Does this sound weird to you?

ashley1979June 10, 2009

Yesterday, at baseball practice, another mom asked X's GF about the tattoo on her ankle. I had seen it plenty of times so I largely ignored her explanation of it. Until the point where she said "this is a (insert first letter of X's name) for (insert X's name) and this star is for (insert my DS's name)." I was a little shocked!

Why in Heaven's name would a person have anything symbolizing someone's else's kid placed permenantly on their body? She's not even married to X and they don't plan on getting married! WTF?

Is it just me or is this a weird thing to do?

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Ummm, yeah. It is very weird!

    Bookmark   June 10, 2009 at 11:02AM
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Totally bizarre!

    Bookmark   June 10, 2009 at 11:19AM
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I suppose it's a personal choice thing. If she wants to mark her body then it's up to her. If things don't work out in the future, then she could probably just have it covered up or removed. I wouldn't put another person's childs' initial/name on my skin, but that's MPO.

    Bookmark   June 10, 2009 at 11:41AM
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Actually....I am guilty of that also:) I am relatively COVERED in tattoos. They are where I can cover them for work but my back is pretty much muraled out.

I have been mulling over ideas for a tattoo for layla . I figured it would be her name in black and lavendar (we call her little lavendar lou) with vines and flowers intertwined around the name. I am going to have a hummingbird at one of the flowers in honor of my late Grandmother, Layla Junes name sake. Grandma LOVED hummingbirds. There is a very personal story behind it that I'll tell you later. I am also sticking two identical fairies in the mix symbolozing "the sprites" which is what we call the girls. One will be buzzing around another flower and the other lounging on a leaf. I did this not only because i love them but also because I think they would be very hurt if they weren't included.

Of course I am MARRIED to their father and I'm the custodial SM so there is a big difference between teh two family situations. I would fins a short term GF tattooing the name of her BF's child on her odd for sure. If I was you I'd prolly even be a little pissed.

    Bookmark   June 10, 2009 at 12:03PM
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I guess my uncomfortableness about the tattoo is kind of a culmination of a few small things that have been happening. I'm starting to feel like my life is a little single-white-female-ish lately, if you know what I mean.

I told you all about her signing DS's progress report a few months ago. That was creepy enough. I had a talk with the school and X and worked that out.

A couple weeks later, she wrote a note in to the daycare that MY sister would pick DS up from daycare and signed it "Stepmom". I called the daycare that day to tell them that my sister might pick him up and the girl said "Oh, yeah, _____ already told me". What???? That's not her place to speak for my sister or me. And she's NOT a stepmom. I cleared that up right away. Neither the daycare or school should be taking ANY kind of authorization from her.

Then a couple weeks later, at a baseball game, X and GF weren't there. Two of the moms leaned over and asked me what X's GF's name is. I told them and one of them actually said to me "oh well I've just been calling her Mom 2". I said "oh, no, 6 days a month and attendance at baseball functions does not constitute the name "mom". It's like she's trying to take over me!

Don't get me wrong, I love it that she loves my DS and takes good care of him while he's over there.

Would any of you feel a little weird about these things?

    Bookmark   June 10, 2009 at 12:08PM
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That sounds beautiful! I've been wanting to get something for Justin, but I am really reluctant to get a male name on my body for fear that it could be misunderstood. So I thought of getting an anagram. One side would be the Hebrew version of my DS's name, Tzadik. The other side would be the word "Beloved". Of course it would be in scrolling script and very feminine. I also thought of black and purple, since purple is my favorite color.

The other thing that makes your tattoo different from my X's GF is that you have a baby with your SD's father. That permenantly connects the 4 of you together and forever binds your little one to the girls. X's GF doesn't have that. And never will if X has his way. She told me that they decided not to have anymore kids because my DS "is enough" for her.

    Bookmark   June 10, 2009 at 12:15PM
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Well, yes, it does sound wierd to me.

But... She's not even married to X and they don't plan on getting married! WTF? .. would you feel differently about it if they were married? If her answer had been "oh, I got this for my wedding, to symbolize my marriage. See, this S here is for Steve, and this little star here is for Steve Jr, because of course when I married his dad, he became family too."

I don't know why they aren't planning to get married; if they're not ready or not that committed, or if they're just the type of people who don't find meaning or importance in the legality of a marriage license. If it's the second case... if they view themselves as life partners and just don't care about "making it legal" , then you should probably view her as your son's SM, because for all intents and purposes, she is. Although I know some people will disagree with me. Yes I know they might break up. But if they were married, they might get divorced, too.

    Bookmark   June 10, 2009 at 12:45PM
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Glad you think it'll be pretty:) I won't get J's name on me BUT J did get a cupcake tattood on his side. LOL. A big girlie one with pink icing, sprinkles and a cherry on top. He calls me cupcake by the way...he always has.

There may come a time when I add a guitar to the mix somewhere to represent J in the family canvas. I too am uncomfortable with getting guy names on me. It isn't very wise. Of course if J ever married someone else he would have a hell of a time explaining that huge @$$ cupcake on his ribcage. HAHAHAHAHA

He also ahs these six shooters on his hip bones....grrrrr. Ok sorry. Next subject!

    Bookmark   June 10, 2009 at 1:42PM
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Well, at least it's a star and not his name or initials. She can give it any meaning she wants, any time she wants. If she were to break up with X, it's very possible (likely even) that the star would 'symbolize' something else completely. If X's initial is common, she can even decide later to change the meaning of that one too.

It sounds as if she is trying to create something, a 'family' to include her, X, and your son, whether it's real or fantasy... who knows? Unfortunately, you have no control over that and there are worse things than 'overstepping', which is what you perceive she is doing. Of course your FDH's ex sees you taking her DD for a pedicure as overstepping and all you are doing is trying to have a relationship with her and fit into a 'blended' situation/family.

I'm not trying to minimize your feelings, but does it really matter who told the daycare your sister is picking him up? Does it really matter if she says she's stepmom or dads girlfriend? The tattoo thing is weird, but at least she didn't put his name on her. If she had (or does), she has to live with it... forever! (even if things don't work out and it could end up as a sour reminder in years to come)

I guess I would focus more on the fact your son has more people to love him and he isn't in a situation where there is lots of conflict and hostility. That's a plus and if she calls herself 'mom2', so what? Your son knows who his mom is and you will always be #1. If she wants to delude herself with a false reality, then that's her problem. My SD calls mom's BF stepdad and BM is still married to her 1st husband. BM is living in a 'fantasy' world, nothing we can do about it. SD will figure it out eventually, or not. There are bigger things to worry about and you don't want to be the one to pressure your son into feeling loyalty conflicts. It sucks, I know but you have to be the bigger person because that's what's best for your son. Now, if she was not nice to him... that changes everything.

and I agree quirk, not everyone feels the need to have a marriage license and make it legal to consider themselves a family. I do think it's important when kids are involved to make it legal but that's just my opinion.

    Bookmark   June 10, 2009 at 1:47PM
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"does this sound weird to you?"

Yes. But don't lose sleep over it. She's probably really immature and is learning how to "play" mommy. As long as she treats your child good... that's the important issue.

As for authorizations... My ex is not on the list for pick up. When he is to pick her up/drop her off I write a note for those specific days/times ONLY. I am the only one authorized to tell them ANYTHING about pick up, drop off, medications, permission slips, etc. I'd go around checking the authorizations (with doctors, etc) to make sure everyone understands the chain of command, for the health and safety of your child.

I would be concerned with her telling the daycare who is picking up as well, because it's hard to know and trust someone. Yes, she was probably just being helpful. But if the daycare starts to see her as a person of authority who knows what safety precautions could lapse. To prevent any issue with her/embarrassment/etc. I wouldn't tell anyone why I'm checking, just say really nicely that I want to make sure everyone has the contact and authorization info updated for my child, and these specific people are authorized to make decisions/notifications.

    Bookmark   June 10, 2009 at 2:22PM
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"She's probably really immature and is learning how to "play" mommy"

Ditto. That was my first thought, too.

I do agree with silversword that the one thing you should be concerned about is GF overstepping her role in regards to authority and making decisions/relaying info, etc.
I would do what silver suggested about contacting the daycare and making sure they understand that any decisions/changes need to be made by either YOU or your son's father.

    Bookmark   June 10, 2009 at 2:44PM
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If DH's GF got my kids Tat I would be mad. If she started calling school or signing report cards I would be PISSED!!

I have one tat and have been wanting to go get something with DH, I have been talking about getting a fairy blowing dust with 5 stars 4 blue and 1 pink, or something along those lines. Also again these are my 3 DS and 2 SC. I am not sure how to tie DH into the picture.

    Bookmark   June 10, 2009 at 2:55PM
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Silver - EXACTLY! They've broken up at least 5 times and DS has been saying his dad wants to break up with her and move in with his friend. If the school or daycare gets used to her and thinks she has authorization, then that would cause a lapse in security.

IMO the word "Stepmom" implies some sort of authority figure, especially to people unfamiliar with us. There really is a difference in other people's reactions when DS called her "my dad's girlfriend" and when she calls herself "stepmom". It's like they think "oh, well if she's SM then she must know".

The funny thing about her telling the daycare that my sister was picking DS up was that I never told ANYONE that. Not even DS knew. So how could she? It had only been decided the night before. So she just assumed.

But, for the most part, Ima and Quirk are right. I just have to let it go. She lives in her own fantasy world with her own view of how great she is (and she actually thinks it's appropriate to discuss her use of narcotic prescription drugs at the baseball field).

I am very glad and thankful that she loves my son. But I sometimes wonder if this is going to morph into her trying to off me. I mean she and X did actually plan to have drugs planted on me to get custody of DS a few years ago.

As far as them not getting married, that's one of the reasons they broke up a couple years ago. I'm not sure what her stance is, but for X it's all about an easy-out. He was that way with me except that I got pregnant and voided the easy-out clause. But even after that he insisted on separate bills and separate bank accounts. And he hasn't changed much on that, at least not from what I can tell from conversations.

A couple of years ago, right before they had a huge blow-up breakup, I took DS to their apartment and she was reading Brides magazine. X told me he doesn't know why she bought that because he hadn't even proposed.

Then, after they broke up, X told DS that she was not allowed at his games and he was not to go anywhere with her.

    Bookmark   June 10, 2009 at 3:00PM
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well, you could always say the fairy is him! (lol, just kidding!) What about a little bumblebee or a tree or a river at her feet or mountains behind her?

    Bookmark   June 10, 2009 at 3:02PM
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Been There!

When DS's StepMom was still just Ex's GF, she overstepped in a similar way. Well, OK - not the tattoo, but with the school, doctors, activities. Ex was really into the "Look Sonny - I got you a new Mom! Isn't she great!?" deal, and GF's #1-3 all went along with it. #3, who eventually became SM especially, and it became a bone of contention for us.

At some point, you need to have the pee on your trees conversation with her to mark your rightful boundaries, and it sounds like that time may be here. Since you say she takes good care of your son, that she's genuinely fond of and committed to being a 'family' over there, and you're acknowleging that her role in your son's life is a largely positive one, I'd tread kindly but clearly, and state that you're trying to ensure you and she will be able to have a friendly and cooperative relationship in the future and do what is best for DS.

Things to cover:
- Whatever Ex and I had is totally over, and you're welcome to him - we've all moved on.
- Of course, because of Sonny, I'll always be around to some extent.
- You clearly care for Sonny and he cares about you too.
- You seem like a nice person with decent judgement, and it will be best for all of us if you and I can get along.
- And assuming you and I can get along, I promise not to do anything to undermine your relationship with Sonny.
- It's clearly in Sonny's best interests to have all of the adults in his life be able to work together and for him NOT to have to deal with any conflicts of loyalty.
- But I feel some of the things that have happened lately have overstepped your proper role -- specifically, the day care, "Mom 2"
- I'd like for us to agree on some specifics so we don't get into a conflict that's avoidable up front.

Then tell her what you'd consider acceptable and appropriate and ask if she's OK with that. Do be firm (since she's already overstepping), but also be kind and calm, since it really IS in your and Sonny's best interestes to have a good relationship with her. In general, I'd apply the 'favorite aunt' standard to Dad's GF, and the 'grandmother' standard to StepMom. In other words, as long as she's a GF, whatever would be appropriate conduct for a 'favorite aunt' would probably be appropriate for her.

    Bookmark   June 10, 2009 at 3:02PM
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Ooh boy...
While I was posting all about how to deal with the mature and reasonable GF, you were adding information that makes it clear she's not all that mature and reasonable.

Never mind!

In the above 'pee on your trees' outline and subsequent conversation, there's always a delicate balance between the 'play nice' part and the 'or else'.

Given what you've said in your last post, I'd up the 'or else' quotient a little bit, letting her know ever-so-subtly that while you don't want Ex back, it wouldn't be all that hard for you to make her go away. (Either by turning Sonny against her or letting Ex know she's a little bit 'marriage-psycho.)

    Bookmark   June 10, 2009 at 3:11PM
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The fact that X has said in the past "not to go anywhere with her" sends up a huge red flag to me. Combined with everything else... and you've a potential bad situation. Batten down the hatches.

    Bookmark   June 10, 2009 at 3:24PM
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um... I mean she and X did actually plan to have drugs planted on me to get custody of DS a few years ago. plus other info in your last post. Not quite what I was picturing when I gave first answer.

With additional info, she sounds more wacky-delusional than simply overstepping from trying a little too hard. You still can't do much about whatever ink she chooses to put on her body, but yah, definitely draw some firm boundaries and stick to them.

    Bookmark   June 10, 2009 at 3:28PM
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I keep thinking that the more I let things go, the more out-of-hand things are gonna get.

And I guess I've been letting things build up for so long that something small and petty (like a star symbolizing my DS) is about to cause me to break.

It's been 6+ years and I've never had the "pee on your tree" conversation. LOL!

If she's going to be Mom2, she should start shelling out some cash for all these things she takes advantage of, huh?

    Bookmark   June 10, 2009 at 3:31PM
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How weird is it that the woman who said that to you "Mom2" wouldn't A. ask her what her name is or B. that the GF wouldn't correct her. It sounds like she's getting her jollies from being MOM2. And calling attention to her "status" as MOM2 whenever possible.
With all of the addn'l info, I'd be worried. I don't think the star is petty at all, given the circumstances. I think it's a good indicator of who she is. Not up front enough to say, HI, My name is ___________ and I'm the significant other of __________'s dad. I love them so much, here's the tattoo I had made of them.

My mother warned me that when a person plays with kids and sends the kids to ask mom something, s/he's not a good wo/man. A good wo/man will walk up, and forge a relationship with the parent first.

This isn't exactly the same, but similar. A person on the up-and-up would not allow other adults to call her MOM2. She might laugh at it, but say, call me Sheila. She likes the attention she's getting. That scares me.

    Bookmark   June 10, 2009 at 3:38PM
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Yep, very weird. She sounds desperate and people like that give me the willies. The tatto, yeah whatever, just plain weird but nothing you can do. Stating she is Mom2 and calling daycares and stuff, I would be all over it.

Personally, if ANYONE had plotted against me in ANY fashion to take my child away from me...well, lets just say we would have major problems. There would be no way in h e double hockey sticks they would be around my child again, period. That kind of person does NOT have the best interests of your child in mind and does NOT love your child, because if they did they would never cook up a plot to take the child away from a competent and loving mother, which you are Ashley.

Ashley, I've said it to you before but I think you are way too nice to your Ex and his girlfriend. You are probably a very nice and loyal person in general, I bet you are one heck of a friend and mother. But this is one of those situations where nice people get played and manipulated. If I were you, I'd start putting my mean game face on and have one heck of a come to jesus talk with this woman and not let her slide again. How long ago did they plot to take your son? If it was fairly recent, I'd start with some legal stuff now. Was it documented, do you have proof? I would take that to court pronto.

But that's just me and I may just be a nutty BioMom ;) lol

    Bookmark   June 10, 2009 at 4:08PM
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I passionatelly dislike tatoos. I have my own opinion of them, but that's besides the point, tatooing names of boyfriends or someone else's children on one's body is double crazy. she is crazy. she lives in a lala land.

i would not care if a school thinks of someone as a stepmom but I sure would care if a child thinks of some woman who miight not be there tomorrow as a stepmom. why confusing a young child? I would talk to her.

    Bookmark   June 10, 2009 at 4:43PM
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"If I were you, I'd start putting my mean game face on and have one heck of a come to jesus talk with this woman..."

Agreed. Bio-Moms are nutty for a reason: God gives out a mommy-danger-sense along with the baby. Our behavior and protection instinct may seem crazy to some but it keeps our babies safe.

    Bookmark   June 10, 2009 at 4:47PM
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"God gives out a mommy-danger-sense along with the baby."

Good point Silver.
When I had my "pee or your trees" talk with DS's SM, it was pure territoriality. I knew it -- and admitted as much to myself and to her. But IMO, a Mamma's territory is something to be respected by all - period.

But if it's your danger sensers that are activating, then listen to them. You've got enough 'evidence' to not rationalize them away.

I'd call the school and daycare and tell them GF is not authorized to pick up Sonny unless You or Dad says so specifically. Let the daycare know there have been some 'psycho signals' surrounding a possible breakup, and that while you don't want to over-react since things are OK at the moment, but that you sure as anything don't want to UNDER-react and need to let them know. Tell them that they need to call you or Dad before releasing Sonny to GF every time. (This might be a conversation you should have in person.)

Good Luck --

    Bookmark   June 10, 2009 at 5:35PM
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You all are right....I have learn to trust my instincts as a mother. Isn't that the definition of a b*tch? A mother dog? Mother dogs are b*tches because they are protecting their babies.

It's been about 5 years since the whole drug planting thing happened. She used to date my best friend's brother's best friend and he would read her online journal (long before Facebook or MySpace came around). He got concerned when he read the entry on how they were going to get custody from me so he called to warn me. He gave me the site and the password so I could read for myself.

THANK GOD I DID! There was so much more stuff that made my skin crawl! Most of it none of my business (sexual exploits and such), but A LOT of stuff about DS and I like calling me all kinds of disgusting names (like c*nt), plots and plans to make DS hate me, and even drug use. I printed the whole thing out and gave it to my attorney. We never had to use it, though, but I still have copies in my files in case I ever do need it.

Thanks for being supportive. A lot of times I feel like I'm overreacting and consider stuff like this harmless. But, all of these things add up to a bigger picture that I'm now seeing is more dangerous than ever.

    Bookmark   June 11, 2009 at 4:51PM
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"But, all of these things add up to a bigger picture that I'm now seeing is more dangerous than ever."

You're right Ashley -- And wise to not forget this stuff. A lot of us women tend to rationalize things away and sugar coat stuff that's actually pretty scary. Don't allow yourself to forget what she's capable of.

    Bookmark   June 11, 2009 at 7:43PM
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Just a thought - but could she be full of sh!t? A star could symbolize anything - or it could just be a star. Could she have just told your DS it was 'for him' to make him feel included? Or, more to the point, could she be saying that within your earshot just to get your goat?

    Bookmark   June 12, 2009 at 2:14AM
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JNM - you's definitely possible. She likes to do stuff to intentionally irritate me. After seeing that journal, I realized that she was a catalyst for most of the arguements that X and I had in the first couple years after divorce. I was trying to be fair to all of us, even at my own inconvenience, but she had convinced him that I was trying to screw him over (anyone could read our divorce papers and see that I am the one who got screwed over).

One of her posts was about the trip to the hospital we had to make when DS was 4. I had signed him up for t-ball because X wouldn't let me see him the entire month of June (long story). So I figured that if I signed him up for t-ball then I'd at least get a few hours a week at games and practices.

The first practice just so happened to be on the day of my sister's baby shower. I figured that he'd have plenty of practices, but my sister wouldn't have anymore babies after this one. So I went to the shower and got a call that DS had been hit in the face with a bat. I drove over to X's parent's house and they followed me to the ER. We waited quite a while to have an x-ray of his face to see if anything was broken. He ended up being fine, just really swollen.

She wrote on that site that I was trying to seduce X the whole time and he was sickened by the site of me. That every time they walked outside to smoke he would say how much he hated me and how he wished I would leave. She said she's a better mother than me even though she's a year younger and never had kids. She accused me of trying to show my "nasty" breasts to X the entire time.

So, see, she definitely would do something like that to get at me.

Now that I think about it, she got her tattoo the same week as he got his motorcycle. And he got his motorcycle while they were broken up. I remember that because she had sent me a message on MySpace asking if he had ever put his hands on me in a threatening way or made me think he would. That was Jan. 2007 and he got the bike a couple months later. They didn't get back together until later that summer, or so he said. June actually. So maybe it really doesn't stand for them and she just made it up.

Hmmmm......thanks JNM for getting me thinking. But I still think I need to pee on my tree, so to speak. LMAO!

    Bookmark   June 12, 2009 at 11:00AM
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Based on your most recent post I would say she is as full of poo as a septic tank and I wouldn't even wastany more time sweatin her.

She is a nut.

    Bookmark   June 12, 2009 at 11:06AM
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I think you should pee on your tree. I should have peed on mine a long time ago too. My X's wife crosses all sorts of boundaries, I've tried the let it roll approach, I've tried asking my daughter to stand up for herself, for example, if her SM wants to change her physically (haircuts, shaving her legs, lip waxing...) that she should say she wants to ask her mom. I've taken it up with X -he's an idiot and is just as much a part of SM "playinhg house" drives me nuts! I really hoped that when they had a baby of their own she'd remove her claws from mine a so much....6 years later I wish I'd have peed on my tree a really long time ago. I didn't because I'm non confrontational by nature, and she was young and immature, I thought she'd grow out of it..wrong.

He had a 2nd wife between me and the current- she was nutso and tried to pick up DD from school when they were going through their divorce...who knows what she would have done.

I say Pee on your tree.

    Bookmark   June 13, 2009 at 1:26AM
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I think you should not borrow trouble and torture yourself with what might or might not be, it's easy to go crazy trying to second-guess yourself.

    Bookmark   June 13, 2009 at 3:26AM
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