Honestly, if I knew I would not have done it.

wallypogJune 8, 2009

I am 5 years into a new marriage that seems to be crumbling. Before entering into this marriage both of us witnessed clear signs of what was to come from the exes and the children. But, we were both adults and felt that we could work around these issues. Needless to say that did not happen.

As I read the various postings here I see so much of the same stuff that people put people through and impose upon their children. The anger and resentment demonstrated and acted out are sad and scary. Many of the things I thought we cold sort and live with are repeated here routinely. I remember taking a long walk one day trying to decide how to react to her rather brazen boys and her near pathologic Ex weighing whether I should accept the challenge. I chose to accept it. Had I read these posts then I would not have done so quite so blithely.

I guess my message is to work diligently to unwind the manipulations placed upon yourselves and families regardless of their source. If you don't they will rot your spousal relationships You must protect your own psyche. I hate to say this but try to keep from investing your entire heart into the deal.

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Sorry you are having such a ruff time:(

I always thought the "You knew what you were getting into" statement was an unfair one since you never really know what you are getting into untill you have lived in it for awhile.

I never imagined we would wind up with the twins. I didn't imagine we would have a baby either since I had been told I had a really slim chance of getting pregnant. We went from thinking it would be just us to having three children living with us! HAHAHAHA. WA-POW! Everything changed with one phone call from the unstable Ex wife and one positive test strip.

I knew he had a nutty Ex. It become apparent pretty quickly when we started dating seriously. Being the great guy he is he had also warned me up front. Not just about the ex but about his rather ruff past as well. I still decided he was worth it. Three years later I am still glad we got hitched. We have all adjusted and are doing good. We have up's and down's whenever BM is in and out but we (J the kids and I) are all doing fantastic together. We have squabbles and issues arise but we come out of them together.

I am lucky the kids have been so loving and excepting. Maybe it's because their mother isn't really in the picture. Maybe it's because they were so young when the divorce and re marriage took place. I'm so lucky to be as close with them as we are. We are like a family. Not a STEP family but a family. BM is the only blip on the radar.

I agree with you 100% that you should think long and hard about deciding to engage in a step situation. It can be really hard and thankless for some. There is also always that possibility you'll get that life altering call from BM saying she's dropping off the kids. It all has to be considered. Theres still really no way of knowing untill you get there though. It's always a bit of a gamble.

Best of luck.

    Bookmark   June 8, 2009 at 10:55AM
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"try to keep from investing your entire heart into the deal."

healthy advice for any relationship.

So many times on this forum the advice can be summed up by
"step back & disengage".

    Bookmark   June 8, 2009 at 11:37AM
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"try to keep from investing your entire heart into the deal."

I'd actually disagree with this --
because making a successful marriage takes everything you've got. You can't hold back a piece of your heart or allow little walls to stand between you. But it also doesn't mean abandoning your self-interest or becoming a doormat. That's not it either. INVEST it all - yes. But don't GIVE IT ALL AWAY for nothing in return.

I guess my best advice for this is to clearly separate the issues that SURROUND you from issues BETWEEN you -- and to not LET the issues that surround you come between you. Use those terms with your spouse to help you both stay clear on the difference --

    Bookmark   June 8, 2009 at 1:53PM
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