I have plans......

helpwiththisJune 17, 2009

So lately my sister who lives with us has been really lazy. She does not clean, I have to harp on her to do so. She does not even always watch her child when she is home. If I ask her to watch our kids or do me a favor it is like pulling teeth. I do 98% of the cleaning. I do all the cooking. I do all the grocery shopping. She eats here but does not even load the dishwasher unless I tell her to.

Last weekend we had family coming over. I asked her Friday to help me clean the house. She immediately came up with plans. I got mad and gave her the cold shoulder and she ended up cleaning a little before leaving to go out. (her child was with her ex for the weekend)

On Saturday during the day my dd and sd had friends coming over to swim. We found out during the week that my dh would have to work that day so I told my sister I would need some help with the party. She said fine, but proceeded to complain for the next few days about how her child would be gone and she had to be here for a kid party. She made comments to my dh about it and he said he had to bite his tongue because many angry comments came to mind for him!

Anyways like I said getting my sister to do anything for us is miserable. I still babysit for her a few days a week for free while she is working. On the days I do not babysit all day I am the one dropping her child off at the sitter and picking her child up because my sister leaves for work at 5 am.

Well next week we are going to be on vacation. My sister was mad because she had to take her week vacation from work that week because she had nobody else to babysit for her.

I told her that I needed either Wed. or Thurs. this week without babysitting too so I could pack for vacation. We leave Friday. Packing and running errands with a 2 year old is not an easy task! Last night I asked her which day she got a babysitter (her regular sitter is on vacation this week so I have her child all the other days). She said she could not find anyone. I told her that is not my problem, that I was not babysitting both days. She began yelling saying what is she supposed to do--call off work? I said I don't care what she does but I am not babysitting both days because I have things to do.

I am just tired of this. When I need things I get an attitude from her or get told no that she has things to do or plans, etc. If she does do anything for us it is not without rude comments. When I finally put my foot down with her she cries about how she has nobody else to help her with her child, bla bla bla.

I am at my end with her. I don't want to babysit anymore at all. I don't even want her to live with us. I am just tired of it all. I feel stuck with her here. She has nowhere else to go and nobody else to babysit. She goes to work too early for anyone to baysit for her. And she is not going to find another job making as much as she currently makes, especially in this economy. She does pay us rent so its not like she gets a total free ride. But I think she has it pretty good here and does not realize it. and I hate being that person that points that out to her, you know!

HELP!!!!! I need advice!

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"I don't even want her to live with us"

I can't say I blame you one bit. It is all well and good to help out family, and even the *right* thing to do---provided the person is appreciative of the help! And your sis sounds everything but! I cannot believe the nerve she has to yell at you, complain and make demands for YOU to do more than you are already doing. You didn't have to help her at all! Letting her LIVE with you is awesome in itself. And then to watch her child part of the time as well? And cook and clean for her? This woman has it GOOD! And she as the audacity to yell at you and expect MORE? And not even do one thing to help out????

To say she feels entitled is not strong enough to describe how badly your sister is taking advantage of you.

I think she needs to go. Haven't you been going through this over and over again? You keep trying to get her to pull her fair share of the housework, and she never will? Didn't you already say you were not going to babysit anymore, yet you are still doing it?

If she will not live by the expectations you put forth, I would tell her she has 30 days to find a new place. I know that sounds harsh, but under the circumstances, what choice do you have?

The lack of babysitter b/c of her work hours is BS, too. She could find someone if she wanted to, particularly in this economy. People are looking for work and I am SURE if she spoke with a nanny agency (like TLC) she could hire someone to come to the house at 5 AM. She is using that as an excuse.

UGH. I know it's tough and she is your sister, but I think you HAVE to be firm here and give her the boot. She sounds disrespectful, whiny and completely unappreciative.

    Bookmark   June 17, 2009 at 11:52AM
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I just have to ask... if she does not watch her own child when she is home, why on earth would you ask her to watch YOUR child ever? I would not have much confidence leaving my child with someone that doesn't even watch her own child.

    Bookmark   June 17, 2009 at 1:04PM
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People, family especially, have a tendency to not communicate well with each other when things are bothering them. First thing you need to do is sit and have a real heart-to-heart with your sis about the way she's making you feel.

It's really not fair for your sis to guilt you about anything since she's living under your roof. If she's not willing to talk through it, then it's time for her to move on. Realistically, do you expect to support/help her forever? I'm guessing not, so perhaps now is the time to do something about it.

    Bookmark   June 17, 2009 at 1:30PM
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Ima, I think OP wanted help with the party -- as in she would be there, but wanted an extra set of hands. I think that is entirely reasonable.

Sis clearly has issues. I think it is time to talk to her and find out what her game plan is. And tell her that the rent isnt covering the child care etc and you think she has it preetyy good. Good luck.

    Bookmark   June 17, 2009 at 1:38PM
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In the first paragraph, I thought she was complaining about how lazy the sister is... my mistake.

    Bookmark   June 17, 2009 at 2:27PM
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Clearly you're being taken advantage of --
but either your sister is unaware of how badly she is taking advantage of you,
or she doesn't care.

I'd reduce everything to numbers -- the actual cash value of the services you provide for her that she's probably lumping in mentally with 'rent' --

- Room and board. I'd use $1,000 per month for her (that's about what most private colleges charge), and maybe $600 per month for her child if the child.
eats 'regular people food' and shares a room with Sis.

- Babysitting services. Minimum wage is around $7.25/hr, so that's what I'd use, even though it's possible to pay less and undoubtedly worth more.

- Maid service. Again, I'd use $7.25/hour for anything you'd do above cooking and the 'basic once a week' type cleaning that would be covered by a college room & board amount.

- Driving and errands? Probably a $10.00/hr job, plus $0.50/mile for gas.

Now what are you up to per month? Bet it's a lot more than Sis is paying you. Now subtract the fair value for her services. (Well, OK - not the 'fair' value, but the same rates used.) I'm betting things have gotten pretty out of balance --

I'd show her your calculations and tell her she needs to even things up a bit, and that you'd like her to think about how she can do that. Then see what she has to say --

    Bookmark   June 17, 2009 at 2:27PM
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I do not think I could put my sister on the street with a child. But I sure as heck could sit her down and develop some ground rules and expectations. If she does not live up to her end then do not babysit for her!

(If it were me and she left her child with me when I tell her not to then I would bring the child to her at work and leave the child there with her!)

    Bookmark   June 17, 2009 at 4:47PM
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Well here is the deal.

I used to bbsit 5 days a week for my sisters child. I got tired of my sisters laziness so I told her I was only doing 3 days a week. I told her this was because she was not helping me around the house and I just could not keep up on it with her child around all the time and no help.

So today she told me she is having a friend keep her child overnight and bbsit tomorrow.

Me and dh have decided that in a few weeks I will talk to my sister when we have not been arguing and tell her that since my kids are in school all day that I will not be available to bbsit next school year. I will tell her that this summer is the end of my babysitting. She is welcome to stay here and pay rent but my babysitting is over.

I am also going to sit down with her soon and have a talk about housework and what I expect her to do as part of this household. My girls clean up and do chores so she should too! No reason why 11 and 12 year olds should do more than a 20 something year old!

    Bookmark   June 17, 2009 at 6:36PM
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Maybe you need to set up a chore chart --

    Bookmark   June 17, 2009 at 7:50PM
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lol... I am sorry but that was hilarious kk... I can just imagine how well a chore chart would go over with a 20 something year old. :-)

    Bookmark   June 18, 2009 at 1:42PM
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Have your girls say "why do I have to do x y z if your sister doesn't" its not fair she doesn't have to do any chores.

    Bookmark   June 18, 2009 at 4:33PM
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a thought just occured to me... when we were kids my cousin came to live with us (yet again long story) but he was 20 something and simply not getting his act together. We were in a cramped house as it was so they were doing him a huge favor letting him come back... well my mom got sick of him not helping out and taking advantage so she set up the entire house like a store. Every item in the fridge had a price ta,g the washer and dryer had a fee there was a fee for detergent ... everything used had fees attached to it. He paid for a while but then saw the wisdom of getting his act together and getting his own place. I'll never forget the price list tacked onto the front of the fridge. My mom told me at the time... I raise you kids to be self sufficient there is no reason your cousin cant be.

    Bookmark   June 18, 2009 at 9:17PM
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