Ex-wife is coming back?

luck36June 24, 2009

My husband and I have been married for 15 years. His ex wife had an affair with her co-worder 17 years ago and moved out leaving 3 children (11, 15 & 17 then)and has been living with the same guy. At the time of the divorce, she took a half of my husband's asset and 2 years of alimony ($2,500 per month). My husband and I have raised the children while the ex was not involved in the children's life at all. She attended 2 weddings, but missed births of her 2 grandchildren.

Relationship between the ex and I has been almost none. When I was raising her children, I had to communicate with her basically to keep her in the know. However, she avoided to be involved in anything negative/problematic. After the children are all grown up and educated, she spread lies amoung her side of family that I was the cause of their divorce! (I did not even know my husband when she moved out with her boyfriend.)

Since last fall, we started to hear that the ex and her boyfriend were not getting along very well. They are basically separate under the same roof. (Of course, her family says that the guy is crazy and she is a victim.) Then, she visited her son's family over last Christmas for the first time and sent HER pictures (changed to a new blonde hair-do from greyish brunette) to my husband via e-mail.

Recently, the ex's brother invited my husband over dinner. (My husband happened to be in the town on business.) All my husband had to hear was how miserable his sister's (ex) life had been. After all, the brother insisted that my husband should come back and visit whenever he is in town.

Last week, the ex sent her olderst daughter an e-mail to pass the message to my husband. The topic was that she had heard that my husband's old neighbour was selling their farms. The strange thing was that the ex did not even know the neighbours at all. My husband left the farming town when he was 17 years old!

My husband has not acknowledged her e-mails so far. He has not visited the ex-brother's house since then. He says that he does not have any bitter feeling toward the ex any more and that he has made peace in his mind. After all, the ex is the mother to his 3 children.

I do not want her back in the picture of our marrige. Now that all children are doing well in society, we do not have anything to discuss with her. She might as well try hard to communicate with her children and grandchildren more than with my husband. Am I over reacting?

Another thought. We heard that the only reason the ex does not leave the boyfriend was that she would have difficulty getting anything from him. He has his own shady business going and nothing has her name on her. Can she still be after our money? She did not pay a penny in raising the children. In the mean time, I paid for the youngest daughter's private high school and even the legal fees when she was in trouble. What do you think?

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It's a 'no brainer' here. Yep, the X is fishing to be back in the family in some manner. You should be able to take confidence that the kids and the DH recognize and appreciate what you accomplished for them in place of an absent BM. But, how they deal with her is up to them. You should be able to confer with DH about the situation(s) and find him supportive of your concerns.

    Bookmark   June 24, 2009 at 10:50AM
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children are grown, and it is up to her and them what relationships she has with them. unless she is trying to get back wiht your husband as to have romantic relationship or is speaking poorly of you to other people, i wouldn't bother with it.

I doubt she could be after your money. she's been divorced for 17 years. long enough.

if your husband doesn't want to talk to her, he could just not answer to emails, she'll stop eventually.

but her sending pictures of herself sounds strange though.

    Bookmark   June 24, 2009 at 11:35AM
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Thank you so much for responding to my comment, ladies.

Wallypog, I think that my gut feeling was not wrong. I have talked about how I felt over the incidents to my husband. He says that he cannot totally relate to me and does not believe his ex is attempting to do anything personal to him. He does not trust her but hate her, either. He says that how the ex is behaving is kind of strange, though. I merely addressed that I did not appreicate to have her back between my husband and me.

Firedreams, I hope this will fade away. To add one more note, the ex has sent some very personal letters "as confidential" to my husband a few times during last several years. She even used fancy, flower designed stationeries. The contents never made sense to us, like, "Thank you for HELPING ME raising our children", "Happy Father's Day!", and so forth. She never thanked me for doing anything even about organizing children's weddings on our beach...

I know, this is a no win situation.

    Bookmark   June 24, 2009 at 12:02PM
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The "our children" is a phrase that my hubs EX loves to use with emphasis on the "our" part. This goes double if I am anywhere within ear shot.

You will never get a thank you from the Ex for anything you do for her children. Even if you are RAISING them for her....I can totally vouche for that.

If hubs just doesn't respond she'lleventually get the hint.

    Bookmark   June 24, 2009 at 12:35PM
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Doodleboo, thanks for your comment. Yes, you are 100% right.

I personally never understand the fact that someone claims the children as HERS when she does not pay any attention to them. Children are not her belongings. Where is her guilt? Wouldn't she feel the more guilty, the more she insists her position ignoring the reality? Why can't she just be happy about what her children have achieved in life? Do I not relate her as I have no children on my own?

Anyhow, being raised in a very similar split family myself, I know better not to expect any appreciation or reward from anyone involved. I chose to get involved in this family, so I live with it. Just another project in life, right?

    Bookmark   June 24, 2009 at 1:25PM
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"I know, this is a no win situation."

No it's not, Luck -- You've already won!
You've got the great guy, the great kids, the happy successful relationship.
Just don't forget that. And don't let your husband forget it either -- that the family you two have built together is a wonderful and happy thing that you fully appreciate and don't take for granted.
Just keep your marriage strong, and you won't have anything to fear from her.

    Bookmark   June 24, 2009 at 1:44PM
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Hi, Sweeby.
I posted my thnak you comment hours ago. However, for some reason, it disappeared.
In case you have not seen it, thank you so much. You cheered me up.

    Bookmark   June 24, 2009 at 6:35PM
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