Baby Mama Trouble- Will this ever work??

fed_up_fianceJune 24, 2011

Here is my situation... I have been with my fianc� for almost 2 years (we just got engaged 2 weeks ago). He has a 3.5 year old daughter with his ex girlfriend/baby mama. Ever since we got together, she has been causing us nothing but problems. She has threatened to kill me and my dog, to burn our house down, to take their kid and leave the country, etc. She also claims to be sleeping with my fianc�, and then 5 minutes later will say we need to get along for the sake of the kid. She comes from a bipolar family so I am assuming that has something to do with it. My fianc� tells me to just ignore her because when I acknowledge her and argue with her, it is giving her what she wants and it makes it worse. My thought is I am not ok with ANYONE threatening me and my family and lying about us and I do not see why I should pretend that everything is fine when clearly it is not. I know she is jealous because she is not over him (she attempts to get him back regularly) and he was in a relationship with her longer than he has been with me (4 or 5 years) but was never engaged to her (he said he was not happy for most of the time and did not want to have a kid with her- she basically got pregnant on purpose to try to keep him around- she said she thought it would "bring them closer" when they were falling apart.) She is always using their kid against my fianc�, even though they have court ordered joint custody so we have the kid every other week for the full week (she tells me to stay away from her daughter even though her daughter lives in my house half the time and loves me.) She is just crazy. She has been in the nuthut several times, and was involved in several jewelry store robberies last summer. She doesn�t work and lives with her mother (drug dealer) and pregnant sister. She has also physically attacked my fianc� and his car. The whole situation is just not something I ever imagined I would be involved in and certainly is not the life I imagined. That being said, I love my fianc� more than anything in the entire world. I have been told the "baby mama drama" is never going to end and the thought of still dealing with this years from now kills me. She flipped out when she found out we were engaged, so I am assuming she will flip out again when we get married, and again when we have a baby, etc. I wish she would just get out of our lives but I know that will never happen because they have a child together. If she were not such a psycho I don�t think it would be so bad, but we are on such different levels. I am a little older, have a college degree, a good job and a decent family. She is the total opposite of me (people say this is why I am the wife and she is just the baby mama, & this makes me feel better temporarily but not for long.) Can this ever work?

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justmetoo

If this woman is threatening you I will assume you have obtained a RO...even if BF does not take her seriously, better safe than sorry. If not, inquire about getting one, this woman could indeed be very dangerous to you and has expressed desire to harm you.

Were charges filed when she attacked the father and his car?

Don't communicate with this woman. There is no need for you to talk to her or to see her. The child goes back and forth, the father can do the dealing with mom and neutral place can be arranged for exchanges. Dad should also be limiting contact with this woman strictly to child issues. If danger is as present as you state has Dad considered going for full custody? This woman may be a danger to her own child.

As far as your 'future'. Until something changes for the better, I would not hurry into a marriage with this man. Perhaps mandated counseling and possible medications (if BM is indeed bi-polar) would stablize things a bit, but it sounds as if her whole family is dysfunctional (Gma a drug dealer? Is the child safe in the home?) Is this the way you wish to spend the next 15 or more years?

You have some serious thinking to do before you say 'I do', you also have a child of your own to think about. You best be thinking of this child of yours before you make a committment to this man and begin to bring even more children into this environment. While everything may seem all rosy between the boyfriend and you now, if things end up not working he would have access to a new child (yours) and this would mean perhaps the SD's mother would too.

    Bookmark   June 24, 2011 at 10:26AM
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fed_up_fiance

Thank you for the response! I never filed a police report or anything against her because my fiance convinced me not to (stupid, I know. He said it would only cause more problems.) Also, just to clarify, we do not have any children together yet but plan on having them after marriage (don't want to be his 2nd "baby mama".) It's just a really difficult situation. I personally do not believe the child is in a safe environment when she is at her mother's but unfortunately I have no say. It was my idea to have a third party (social worker- she receives state assistance so I'm sure she has one) to arrange the exchanges of the child because I do not feel comfortable with them meeting up somewhere. Just to give you another example of how vindictive this girl is, my fiance's air conditioning in his car is broken and the day they were supposed to meet up (the BM lives an hour & a half away so they meet halfway) he was going to wait for me to get off work to take my car with air conditioning (it was about 100 degrees out). Well she said if he drove my car down there she would break my windows. So he drove an hour in the heat with no air conditioning. I hate this!!

    Bookmark   June 24, 2011 at 11:20AM
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parent_of_one

I wonder if you can still file a police report if she threatens to kill you, I'd file for RO. Also if somebody threatens to break your car window's why not file RO and let police know in case she does break the windows? Please do so.

"I do not feel comfortable with them meeting up somewhere." Why not? they meet for kid's exchange not like they go on a date. I'd rather they meet elsewhere since she is dangerous.

"he said he was not happy for most of the time and did not want to have a kid with her- she basically got pregnant on purpose to try to keep him around- she said she thought it would "bring them closer" when they were falling apart."

I would take this confession with a grain of salt. Just ask on this forum every other woman's DH supposedly has kids with their previous wives/GFs because: she got pregnant on purpose, she thought it would bring them closer or even they broke up and she still managed to get pregnant. LOL Seems like some men like to tell these stories, do they think it makes them look better? It certainly doesn't. I wouldn't pay much attention to his story but I would pay attention to the fact that she is violent and dangerous, please protect yourself.

    Bookmark   June 24, 2011 at 12:02PM
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fed_up_fiance

Thank you! The reason I don't feel comfortable with them meeting somewhere is because she has physically attacked my fiance previously and I am literally afraid she is going to try something crazy. I worry the whole time he is gone. Maybe I will try to file a report.. I do have the threats in writing.

    Bookmark   June 24, 2011 at 12:38PM
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parent_of_one

YOU have threats in writing, oh my, go tot the police station ASAP before somehting happened! I also think if mom is so violent dad might want to talk to his attorney if it is safe for a child to be there.

    Bookmark   June 24, 2011 at 2:44PM
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sweeby

"The whole situation is just not something I ever imagined I would be involved in and certainly is not the life I imagined. That being said, I love my fianc� more than anything in the entire world. I have been told the "baby mama drama" is never going to end and the thought of still dealing with this years from now kills me."

Marry this guy and you will be dealing with psycho BioMom for the rest of the little girl's childhood.

That part of the equation really is that simple.

And your predictions about future freak-outs also sound very realistic. But there are a few key predictions you did not make, and may not have considered. Please consider them very carefully, because they're pretty-near certainties... Right now the little girl is cute and affectionate and probably likes you very much. A very few years from now, BioMom will ensure that changes. She will tell her little sweetie pie that she doesn't have to listen to anything you say, that you are NOT her mother, and that she shouldn't like you because you are evil, rotten, stole Daddy, whatever... And then the little sweetie will try to please her volatile mother by being absolutely horrible to you -- really horrible. Expect that, because it will happen, guaranteed.

This next part is a little less certain. Dad *may* step up and straighten out Little Sweetie, letting her know that any nasty behavior toward you will not be tolerated, that she *absolutely does* need to listen to you, that you are a really nice person who loves her very much, and that BioMom is saying nasty things, not because they're true, but because BioMom is angry, and that sometimes angry people say things that aren't true. Then maybe a few years of therapy can help Little Sweetie reach some well-grounded conclusions about the mess that is her family and the choices she can make in her life. Maybe. OR (and sadly, this happens much more often), Dad will explain to reasonable you that BioMom is irrational and volatile and that Sweetie is just a little girl who is caught in the middle. He'll volunteer to take over all of the parenting (except for the hours you act as an unpaid baby sitter) and handle all of the discipline (yeah, right - what discipline?) and in a nutshell, waffle and avoid conflict and try to 'keep the peace' by letting psycho BioMom run the show with her tantrums and rages...

Of course, there's also the very real possibility that BioMom will fall apart (drugs, jail, psych ward), and that then you will become a custodial StepMom. Best case, that happens really soon while Little Sweetie is still little and sweet. Worst case, it's after she already hates you and Dad has enabled her uncontrollable behavior to the point where it's unlikely to be fixed.

And then there are the teenage years... If Sweetie's not listening to you (almost a given), she'll almost certainly be an uncontrollable teen. And with BioMom and Grandma's wonderful examples to follow, well -- an early pregnancy or drug habit are more likely than not. (So maybe she won't be your problem for long?...)

Sound like fun? Does that sound like the life you want? the one you would choose for yourself?

-------------------------

Believe it or not (why would you believe this?) -- I'm actually *not* a cynical person. Truly, I'm an optimist. And if BioMom were a mature and reasonable person, the future I'd predict for you could be a very rewarding and enriching one. But with BioMom being volatile and very possibly mentally ill, well...

There are more than a few Moms here (Bio and Step) whose 'other mother' sounds a lot like this BioMom. And sadly, their stories ALL (yes, ALL) read a lot like the horrible one I outlined above.

Ask them.

So take off your romantic rose-colored glasses and smell the coffee. Your guy may be wonderful, but your life with his psycho Ex won't be...

    Bookmark   June 24, 2011 at 3:01PM
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fed_up_fiance

Thanks for your response. I have heard soooo many horror stories about life with a man with a child/crazy ex. For some reason they did not keep me from getting engaged to him because I love him and I do want everything to work (although my first wish would be for it to just be us but I know that's impossible.) Why do these ex girlfriends want to cause problems for everyone who may come into their ex's life? I don't understand. I know she is jealous but this is just EXTREME! I mean I was in a relationship with a man and we lived together (prior to my fiance) and now I have nothing to do with him. I don't see him, talk to him, I don't even have his phone number. He certinly doesn't stalk me and threaten my fiance! I guess it's different when children are involved but she is setting a terrible example for her daughter.

    Bookmark   June 24, 2011 at 3:30PM
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parent_of_one

"Why do these ex girlfriends want to cause problems for everyone who may come into their ex's life? I know she is jealous but this is just EXTREME! "

Don't know how to put it nicely but could it be just wrong crowd to begin with? I don't know anyone in real life who threatens to kill anyone else or breaks car windows. I don't think it is jealousy per se it could be, generally speaking, trashy people doing their regular routine. Heck that's how some people speak. She might be treating others the same way, she probably has issues with people at work and family members, not just you and your BF. The fact that BF does not want you to file police report is also telling...

    Bookmark   June 24, 2011 at 3:40PM
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fed_up_fiance

Oh yeah, she is definitely trash. She is the stereotypical "baby mama" all the way. I kind of understand why BF doesn't want to file a police report and I kind of don't.. I know that he just wants everything to run smoothly but that just isn't going to happen because he has a child with a psychopath! He thinks doing anything about her will make the problems worse. I think the whole thing is ridiculous. And you are absolutely right, she can't hold a job and is always back and forth between living places. I think BF knows she is getting to me because the other night he asked me if I ever wish I never got involved with him :(

    Bookmark   June 24, 2011 at 4:08PM
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sweeby

"I kind of understand why BF doesn't want to file a police report and I kind of don't.. I know that he just wants everything to run smoothly but that just isn't going to happen because he has a child with a psychopath! He thinks doing anything about her will make the problems worse."

Oh dear... So he's going to lie down and ask you to do the same to avoid ticking off Baby Mama. Sorry, but this keeps getting worse and worse.

Ever heard the saying "If you lie down with dogs, you'll get up with fleas"?
Definitely applies here. Only much worse than fleas.

Why would you want to sign up for *this* life?
Can't you do any better? (Of course you can.) I'm assuming you are still young and will have many, many other opportunities for True Love with wonderful young men without permanent psycho baggage. I know you love this guy. But there will be another. One without permanent psycho baggage. (I know I said that twice...)

Read more of the posts on this site about Mama Drama and crazy Ex's. Ask yourself if those posters seem happy...

    Bookmark   June 24, 2011 at 4:22PM
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pseudo_mom

SD used to be Little Sweetie ... and BM was the psycho ha ... now SD is the psycho and BM is the little sweetie! hahaha

listen to sweeby ... wish I had !!!

    Bookmark   June 24, 2011 at 4:31PM
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sweeby

For some reason, I just can't shake this post.

I've just seen so many bright, capable young women sign up for lives of drama and misery with only *miniscule* chances for happiness. There just seems to be something about the *hopeless cause* that brings out the *hopeless romantic* in even the most sensible young women.

Sadly, I wasn't immune to this, and married a 'fixer-upper' myself the first time around. Sadly, I couldn't fix him up and he stayed broken and dysfunctional. And of course, my older son has a broken and dysfunctional father and I have a broken and dysfunctional Ex.

But you haven't done that yet.
And just because you said you would, doesn't mean you have to actually go through with it. Slow things down!

Think about this:
Mr. Wonderful, when faced with a choice between a raving lunatic who is dead-wrong and a reasonable an understanding mate who has vowed to support him -- this Mr. Wonderful chooses to placate the lunatic and disappoint the mate.

Under what circumstances would this pattern change?
Lunatic BioMom certainly won't change it -- SHE'S winning! Her craziness works very well for her.
Maybe YOU could change it by turning into an even raving'er lunatic -- but do you want to do that? Because being reasonable sure isn't working for you...
Mr. Wonderful may or may not be able to change it, but finding out will be painful, very painful, and require a lot of courage -- maybe more than he has. It is *possible* that by steadfastly NOT giving in to crazy tactics that eventually Dad can somehow teach BioMom that drama and craziness are not a good strategy for dealing with him. This is likely to take years, of course, and lots of courage.

Find out if he has that kind of courage before you marry him.

There's one other really important thing I've learned about marriage over the years. It's that choosing a spouse is a lot like picking teams in sports. You want to pick someone who will be a good teammate. Someone who plays well, and who has a well-developed sense of fairness and a similar degree of competitive spirit you have, whether that's a lot or a little. Someone who will respect your efforts and contributions, someone who will encourage and never belittle you. Someone who brings good things to the playing field -- a positive attitude, sense of humor, the right tools.

Think back to grade school. Would you choose your hopelessly-uncoordinated best friend to be your main team mate for the rest of your entire life? Or would you tell her that you value your friendship too much to put it under this particular kind of strain?

You can love this man and help him with his daughter without making him (and his Ex and her drama) your partners-for-life.

    Bookmark   June 24, 2011 at 7:28PM
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parent_of_one

I don't care what BF says or what his reason are, someone, anyone threatens to kill you, normal reaction is to file a police report and RO. everything else is just ridiculous. It is not even about your relationship or him or his child, you are threatened, you take actions ASAP. Think about romance later.

    Bookmark   June 24, 2011 at 11:43PM
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parent_of_one

I don't care what BF says or what his reason are, someone, anyone threatens to kill you, normal reaction is to file a police report and RO. everything else is just ridiculous. It is not even about your relationship or him or his child, you are threatened, you take actions ASAP. Think about romance later.

    Bookmark   June 24, 2011 at 11:44PM
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myfampg

*psychopath*babymamadrama*got pregnant on purpose*no job* on welfare* trashy * psychotic* violent* dangerous * not safe * scared something will happen to fianc� * jealous *

Sounds like myfampg.. She has been called ALL of these things. Lol

But.. The truth came out eventually and everyone knows, divorce/break up is like a pancake -- there are two sides.

    Bookmark   June 25, 2011 at 1:29AM
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parent_of_one

hahaha Myfam, hilarious. And now apparently you nhave lice too

I don't even think it matters who was your partner's ex and what she does, when relationship sucks it is easier to blame crazy ex rather than place blame where it belongs: on the loser BF.

and still no police report, nice.

    Bookmark   June 25, 2011 at 9:26AM
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everett_24_gmail_com

What if BM was BF.....and BF was BM....
same concept goes?

    Bookmark   June 26, 2011 at 5:20PM
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justmetoo

Exactly what's your point, Everett? Why would it matter if BM was BF or BF was BM? When is it ok for either a BM or a BF to go off the wall and threaten and/or actually physically attack people? Burn their house down? Kill?

    Bookmark   June 26, 2011 at 6:29PM
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momof3_stepof1

sperm donor threatened me on the phone when I was pregnant with our son. I filed a police report immediately. I seriously think you should take the advice on here and do so. That way if something happens to you or your house or your car the police will have a suspect right away.

My dh didn't stand up to bm until this past year. That was 9 years in the making... and she's psycho but not nearly what this baby mama is. She's never threatened our lives. Are you willing to wait this long?

    Bookmark   June 27, 2011 at 8:05AM
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mattie_gt

Fed Up Fiancee, listen to Sweeby. That will be your future.

Another thing to consider is that you cannot keep the trashiness out of your house as well. It is horrible. DH has primary custody and BM has very limited visitation - still, SS has come home with lice. SS has come home with fleas and covered with flea bites. SS has come home with all of his clothes reeking of animal urine. SS has come home explaining to us details of what prison is like (courtesy of BM's BF, who is currently a guest of the state). SS knows what food stamps are, has watched incredibly inappropriate R rated movies, has picked up slang and manners of speaking that make us cringe. BM will not bat an eye at behaving badly in public, in front of our house, during pick-ups. (Fortunately the neighbors know the situation - but still.)

Our BM is nowhere near the craziest, nor the trashiest, nor the most violent one of posters here. We are incredibly lucky because DH has had primary custody and now has sole legal, again, unlike many of the posters here. And it is still very, very tough at times. I am probably a good bit older than you are, and I knew and still know that DH is the man I want to grow old with. That is the only thing that gets us through sometimes - the knowledge that in nine more years at the very most, we're done with her. SS will be able to communicate with her or not as he chooses, but we will never, ever, have to deal with this again. It is a horrible feeling because we are aware that that is also wishing away SS's childhood - but sometimes we'd take it if we could fast-forward to happy, healthy, eighteen year old heading off to college.

Your original question was "Can this work?" Well, BM is not going to change for the better. That just won't happen so if that hope is any part of your plans scratch it off. You and your fiance could make this work - but at what cost? To be honest, I wouldn't want to be married to a man who was willing to allow me to be threatened or assaulted in order to keep the peace.

    Bookmark   June 27, 2011 at 9:45AM
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fed_up_fiance

Thank you all for your responses & support! I will keep you updated.

    Bookmark   June 27, 2011 at 1:01PM
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