Shower date ideas

kathyg_in_miMay 11, 2007

Hi there,

My DS is getting married on October 27, 2007. I want to have a bridal shower for the bride (her family is out of country), but am having a hard time deciding on a date for the shower. What is causing me this problem is that my nephew is getting married on September 8, 2007.

I don't want to drive all the relatives crazy, so timing of shower is critical. Am thinking about weekend of September 29. Any and all opinions appreciated. I could also do it in early August if need to, but I'm sure there will be a shower for nephew's bride.

Help, Kathy G in MI

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You should not be having a shower for your future DIL....that is up to friends of the bride or groom, or friends of yours to do. It's very bad manners to give a shower for someone to whom you are related.
That said, the best time for a shower is not more than a month before the wedding....and 2 weeks is better. And if you wait a few months, perhaps someone else will plan one and save you from making a faux pas.
Linda C

    Bookmark   May 12, 2007 at 11:46AM
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Nope, I doubt that will happen, besides, I'm not one given to "correct" ways of doing things. This young lady is so very sweet and she will have a shower! End of story, all her family is in Indonesia, I guess I could put the one bridesmaids name on the invites, but since there is only one BM that I know about, that may not work.
Anyways, I'll worry about Miss Manners another day.
Besides, I'm old and can do as I darn well please!
LOL, Kathy G in MI

    Bookmark   May 12, 2007 at 12:01PM
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I must disagree with LindaC. When the mother of the groom lives in the same city as the bride and her family, then she doesn't usually host a shower. However, when the groom's family lives in a different location and the MOG may be the only person the bride knows, it is fine to host a shower for her as a way to introduce her to the groom's family. Obviously, with the bride's family in Indonesia, there should be no conflict.

I also disagree that a shower should be held within two weeks or even a month of the wedding. Circumstances dictate the timing of a shower. It might be two or three months before the wedding or it might be 5 days before the wedding.

To answer Kathy's question, I think that the week-end of Sept. 29th is a good date. That allows your nephew and his bride to have their time in the spotlight and gives the relatives a breather between events. You sound like a very caring mother-in-law to be.

    Bookmark   May 12, 2007 at 5:57PM
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I think thats a good date. I'm having one for my daughter 6 weeks before. I know miss manners says we shouldn't do it cause we look like we're asking for gifts but thats what a shower is & she has too many rules for me. In my family the mom always does it to save the bridesmaids money

    Bookmark   May 12, 2007 at 7:24PM
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I see everyone's points. kathyg wants to give her future DIL, whose family are far away, some traditional bridal fuss and also to introduce her to the family and close friends. lindac doesn't want anyone to laugh at or resent kathyg for, in essence, sending out invitations to give gifts to her own child. You're both right.

Consider giving not a shower, but a party of some other kind -- luncheon, cocktail party, BBQ, whatever suits everyone's style and resources -- in your DIL's honor. That will accomplish kathyg's goals without any unintended greedy or other negative message. People may give gifts anyway, but they won't feel you are telling them to do so. You can also have a recipe or advice "shower," for which you send the guests blank cards with the invitation and which you compile into an album or file when they are returned completed. I still (25 years later) treasure the recipe file and album I received this way as a bride more than any other gifts. But if the wedding will be in Indonesia and your party will be the "main event" for your side of the family, I would lean toward a nice brunch or evening party for the relatives and friends who would attend if the wedding were here.

It is easy and breezy to say things like "I'm not one given to 'correct' ways of doing things ... I'll worry about Miss Manners another day ... she has too many rules for me," and it may make you feel more comfortable right now, but you can't control how your guests will feel about it (and you). You should also consider whether a mom-hosted shower might make your son and future DIL uncomfortable. It's not about "being 'correct'" for the sake of correctness -- those "rules" that people like to think of themselves as being too free and casual to worry about exist for a reason, and that reason is making others comfortable.

If you find yourself feeling that ONLY a gift-giving shower will do, ask yourself why.

As for timing, I don't see why it has to be so very close to the wedding. With brides and grooms so often living far away and not being able to come in for lots of weekends, you time things when you can. I think any time is okay, and I think you are wise to avoid being near your relative's wedding weekend.

    Bookmark   May 13, 2007 at 11:24AM
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let's look to the experts. Is Emily Post expert enough for you?

I happen to have the 15th Edition on my desk.

It says "immediate family...should not, under ordinary circumstances, give showers.....But even then there are extraordinary circumstances. For example, when a bride comes from a foreign country [bingo!], or even from the other side of our own country, and will be married in her groom's hometown but knows no one there, the groom's sisters might well give her a shower. Etiquette is meant to make life easier--not to improse unnecessary or impractical rules, and when the circumstances warrant it, the "almost" can be dropped and "anyone" may give a shower."

Emily says, "Wedding showers should be held from two weeks to two months prior to the wedding. If the shower takes place too close to the wedding date, it may be very inconvenient for the bride...; if too early, their could be a change in the wedding plans."

Sounds like you're good on all counts!

I don't know about Miss Manners, but you can NOW say, "I like to do things correctly; I'm following Emily Post's advice quite carefully."

I don't think you need to worry too much about seeming greedy--you know your family. In my MIL's family, people were insulted not to be invited. The moment they heard we were engaged, they were plotting what to give us for engagement presents, shower gifts, wedding presents. They had their presents picked out before anybody even *mentioned* a shower, so they really wouldn't have cared who invited them.

My MIL threw my shower, bcs my family was half a continent away, and bcs she felt she should bear the expense of the 75 people who felt they should be invited. If she hadn't hosted the shower, there might have been people wondering if she didn't approve of me, or something.

You probably have a good handle on your family circle. So if you think all the aunts and cousins will think it's just fine that you're hosting (in my family, nobody looks to see who's hosting except to call them for the RSVP), then go w/ the "extraordinary" circumstances ruling by Emily Post.

    Bookmark   May 14, 2007 at 1:34PM
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I still don't see why it has to be a shower, not some other kind of party.

The only difference is that a shower asks for gifts; that's why immediate family members don't usually give showers.

Talley Sue, in your family, the "Aunt Mafia" (I love that) has very definite expectations, including, evidently, that There Shall Be A Shower. In that case, for sure, you're right, your MIL giving you a shower for that group made total sense. But where there is no "requirement" that there be a gift shower, or in case of doubt about how some guests would view the invitation (and the OP appears to have some uneasiness on that score), isn't the obvious solution just to give a different kind of party?

If the OP can't answer that in a way that doesn't make her feel uneasy, then that should tell her something.

(Oh, and by the way: your DIL may actually get MORE gifts with some other kind of party, because the guests may well bring gifts anyway, and you can invite more people if you aren't going to make them all sit through unwrapping the gifts, which you really must do at a shower but don't do at any other kind of party.)

    Bookmark   May 18, 2007 at 10:56AM
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LOL, I love the "Aunt Mafia". My DH has 5 sisters and that is them for sure!
Well, I'm about 175 miles from the restuarant that the shower will be at. There will be about 30 to 35 people. Not fancy, but warm and friendly. We moved out of the area, and we are in the middle of no where, I've had DD's shower there and one DIL's shower there all ready.
NOW the newest glitch in all of it.......#2 DIL and my #3 son just announced to us that they are expecting a baby in January. They live out of state and won't be able to come to MI for a shower (baby) after Thanksgiving (work issues). So now I'm thinking I may need to move wedding shower up so baby shower can be in early October or Sept. 29th weekend. BUT still need to avoid nephews wedding (and shower the Aunt Mafia is going to give his FDW).! Kathy G in MI

    Bookmark   May 19, 2007 at 12:50AM
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I would just let their friends give them a baby shower where they live.

Congratulations to your big, lucky family! What a wonderful year. It sounds like so much fun. May your worst problem always be difficulty scheduling so many happy occasions!

    Bookmark   May 19, 2007 at 5:03PM
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I still don't see why it has to be a shower, not some other kind of party.
The only difference is that a shower asks for gift

That's exactly why it should be a shower, I bet--bcs my MIL's family is not alone in wanting to go to a shower, and wanting to give a shower gift.

I think nearly EVERY family believes that There Should Be a Shower. Certainly most brides who don't receive one will feel a bit hurt--that no one cares enough to throw one? That's a huge part of what Kathy G is trying to avoid.

Kathy G doesn't sound like she has ANY qualms about whether a gift-giving occasion is appropriate or necessary in her family's dynamic.

And baby showers are not necessarily a "friend" sort of thing--in BOTH my families, a baby shower is a family event.

(sounds like lots of happy occasions--I might try my hardest to get the parents-to-be to agree to a baby shower closer to the date, to keep the gift-giving occasions from tiring out the generous family members)

    Bookmark   May 21, 2007 at 12:51PM
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I want to talk to the Aunt Mafia about moving the wedding shower up into August, so I can do the baby shower late September, BUT DIL who is preggers doesn't want to tell the extended family just yet. She would like to give it a couple more weeks to make sure everything is okay with her pregnancy. I have to respect her wishes, tho it is driving me crazy to not tell anyone who might tell the Mafia! I'm a "loud and proud grandma"!
LOL, Kathy g in MI

    Bookmark   May 23, 2007 at 9:33AM
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I definitely don't think that it matters who gives the bridal shower, as long as the bride and families are happy. It seems kind of arbitrary to me that the bride's family who loves her can't plan her bridal shower.

As far as dates go, technically the bridal shower should be about a month before the wedding, but sometimes that just isn't convenient. When I planned a bridal shower for a friend's wedding (who lived across the country from me), we just picked a convenient time a few months before. The whole point of a bridal shower is to celebrate the upcoming wedding. Who cares when it is? If you do want more help planning the shower, there's some good advice and ideas at...

Here is a link that might be useful: Bridal Shower Advice

    Bookmark   April 1, 2008 at 10:54AM
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I've never heard of a bridal shower a month or closer to the wedding. Eight to ten weeks out is the norm here (New England).

    Bookmark   April 1, 2008 at 6:30PM
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