New to this Forum

ZenShaktiJune 17, 2013

Good morning to all, I am new to this Forum although I have been reading some of you for the last few months.

I am recently in a relationship with a man who has two daughters, one of which is his step-daughter and the other is bio daughter. Both are 23 years old. He was married to the bio daughter's mom for 10 years and the divorce happened over 20 years ago and he was married to his step daughter's mom for 16 years until she passed away 1.5 ago. I came into the pictures 6 months ago. We met online and I sold everything I own left my job and moved with him in a different state. We are doing fantastic and are very much in love and happy. Now, is the situation, the step-daughter lives in the basement and the bio daughter lives on her own, goes to college with dad paying for everything. Having been in Al-Anon for several years I understand that I have to mind my own business when it comes to the way he raised them and is co-signing for their behaviors. But, last night I wanted to scream. The daughter came to the house on Tuesday to pick up some money that dad was giving her. He asked me In the morning if I would to the ATM to get the money and give it to her. She texted me around noon "hey, are you home?" I said no and asked her if she could meet me at the house at 1pm, she was 20 minutes late. I asked her if she had anything planned for Sunday and she said " No, why?" I said well, it's Father's Day, she replied I will give it some though and get back to you on Thursday. I never heard from her on Thursday and I did not contact her either. Saturday I get a text from her, "hey is my dad grilling tomorrow?" I replied no and she then said, "Great cause I would love to cook for him" I said great. On Sunday, he went to the movies with SD, I let them go alone and stayed behind. When he came back we watch a little TV and though that his BioD would be around shortly to cook for him, but by 5pm nothing, so he texted her " are you coming?" She replied "Dad be patient, you are not supposed to contact me I am suppose to do that, oh well Happy Father's Day!" We did not hear from her until 7:45pm when she barged in the house with bags of groceries to cook for him. She came in apologizing for being so late, but she had to go visit Jay (her bother) and it looked to me as though she had spent the day with her mother's family. Now, I was furious. My boyfriend was hurt and kept looking at his watch or the window to see if she was coming. At one point he even asked me to check my cell phone as he though maybe she was trying to communicate via me, unfortunately nothing. I could tell the disappointment and hurt in his eyes. I kept feeding him small things to keep him going but, by 7:30pm I told him we need to not wait for her anymore. She seemed surprise when she open the door and saw he was eating. He said "You are planning on cooking now? She said; " Yes, Dad I never eat until 10pm, so I though I was doing good. He said; " I go to bed at 9pm and she insisted she did not know that to which I say BS. Every time we have went to eat with her it has always been between 5-6pm.

When we went to bed last night I told him how uncomfortable the whole situation was for me and that I understand the girls must feel a sense of lost since I came into the picture and that I feel a little guilty, but also know that not of it is my fault. But, it is getting past the feeling of guilt knowing that my presence, indirectly caused them pain. They do all the things most of you talk about, laundry left in the washer/dryer until I go used them and have to finish the process because they left it there or laundry basket for days/weeks in the hallway, using our food, using our laundry detergent, asking dad for money all the time. Yesterday, when she cooked she used a pan and tried cleaning it, but it was a poor job and simply put it back in the cabinet. I had to scrub it myself this morning. All of these little annoyance are getting to me. last month we went on Vacation and his SD brought a boy in the house, we found the condoms in the garbage bag. He was very mad and told her she had to move...I can guarantee you that she will still be here at Christmas. She was supposed to be gone when I moved here in January.

Where do I stand in all of this? I am not his wife and it has only been a few months. I am going above and beyond for them to like me and now I want to detach even more since what happened yesterday. I realize it will always be a challenge and I really don't want to get caught in the spiral. I can feel the dynamic that already exist from their prior Stepfamily issues. The stepdaughter lived with the father but not the bio daughter so I can feel the energy between them two every time they are in the same room. I have also noticed how his daughter pretend to be all sweet with his step daughter when he is around, but when he is not, her behaviors is totally different and she does the same thing with me. When he is around she always want to hug me and when I am at the house alone and she needs me to meet her so she can do laundry she barely talks to me.

Talk you for letting me vent and I would appreciate any and all suggestions.

Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
ZenShakti

I am disappointed that no one offer any suggestions or even some support. Is there anyway I can delete the post?

    Bookmark   June 18, 2013 at 10:28AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
ZenShakti

Would someone be kind enough to help me delete this post and delete the account.

    Bookmark   June 18, 2013 at 10:32AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
mkroopy

Hi ZenShakti, I think if your opening post was not so long, you might have had a better chance of people taking the time to read it.

I know its tough to describe a complex situation in a few sentances, but I know personally that when I open a new post and see it goes on and on and on....I just pass on reading it, just my choice.

I think an alternate approach is to discribe the general situation in the opening post, in a readable paragraph or so, then go into details as people reply and get drawn into the conversation....just an idea.

    Bookmark   June 18, 2013 at 11:59AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
colleenoz

Wow, a little impatient aren't you? The board's been a little slow of late so I'm not surprised you hadn't got any replies after only two hours.
To be honest, from all the past experiences of the various posters here over the years, I would be on fairly solid ground if I said, this is what it will always be like. I would bet serious money that if you remain in this relationship you will be posting the same story a year, five years, ten years from now. Unless you posted, "I've finally left him".
I suggest writing out a list of the pros and cons of staying in this relationship. Consider each point carefully and decide for yourself whether this is the way you want to spend the rest of your life.
Quitting your job and selling all your stuff was possibly not the wisest thing you could have done, but hopefully you are young enough to get back to that place again in the not too distant future.
In your shoes I'd save myself a load of grief and leave now.

    Bookmark   June 18, 2013 at 12:39PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
emma

I am sorry I don't read long posts.

    Bookmark   June 19, 2013 at 4:48PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
Amber3902

What really annoys me is when these new people make these posts and then don't even bother to come back and say thanks or post any kind of reply after people DO offer some advice.

But then again, I guess that's what we can expect from someone who makes the knee jerk decision to quit their job and move in with someone they've only dated for six months online.

    Bookmark   June 20, 2013 at 4:20PM
Sign Up to comment
More Discussions
grown adult stepchildren
I married my husband 2 years ago, his wife had died...
yvonne1969
Trying to figure out how to be a good adult stepdaughter...
My mother died eight years ago, and my dad remarried...
LindaLou22
if I could tell stepmothers of adult children anything
My dad remarried last year, a year after my mother...
lilysuzanne40
Step son not interested in moving out... Please help!!!
My husband and I have been married for just over 2...
hdghnurse
Too much?? advice please
Hi. I am a Mum of 2- one being a step child, I am 27...
mummykim
People viewed this after searching for:
© 2015 Houzz Inc. Houzz® The new way to design your home™