I feel like giving up

mom2_1sm2_1June 15, 2011

So it is has been a while since I have been to this forum, over a year and a half. I now have two bio-children and may be pregnant now.

The real trouble started when I found out I was pregnant two summers ago, that is when SD mother started to really be controlling. For two years I was able to pick up SD by myself on Thursday afternoons, and bring her home when DS was napping on Sunday afternoons. But recently, with in the last year or so, a bug crawled up her ass and now it is NOT okay for me to do this. Instead, we have to load two other children (DS4 and DD1) into the hot van (no AC) on 90 degree days and drive 45 minutes north to pick up the entitled pretty pretty princess, and 45 minutes back home.

Then her mother calls here 3 times a day and drill SD6 over what I have been doing and what I said, then the usual... what did you eat, who did you talk to, where are you going, where did you go, what time did you get up, what time will you be home on Sunday?...

SD6 said that her mom calls her all the time when her mother is at work, especially when she just gets into the door from school and when she is just sitting down to eat. Se offered this to me when her mom called when we were eating - no coaxing - she offered me the information and I listened.

I told DBF this and I feel she is looking for relief from being smothered from her mother all the time. He basically told me not to worry about her and we will let SD6 make the decision weather or not to talk to her mother (not so nicely though.) Personally I think SD feels like she will be letting down her mother if she don't talk to her.... Kind of like the weekend SD6 cried the whole time she was here, we had no idea why, she even stopped calling my mother Grandma, and my sister Auntie, and she would hardly even look at me. A couple of days later DBF was talking to SD6's mother and she told him about the talk the she and SD had of how the mother/daughter relationship is sacred and needs to be kept between them, and how it is not okay to call my mom grandma....

I am so frustrated and have a really hard time having a relationship with SD6. I truly, from the bottom of my heart, love this child and want the best for her, but get resistance from her father and mother. Honestly, I feel like giving up. And when he tells me to back the @#$% off, I feel hurt and don't want the pain anymore.

And to think DBF wants me to drive up there and get her on Thursday and watch her Friday and Saturday when he is at work...... really I feel like not doing it....please help me!

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Is there an agreement in writing that only your DBF is allowed to pick her up? Her saying you are not allowed is like him saying she's not allowed to have a certain babysitter. If it's his time and he chooses you to pick her up then that his his decision. She really can't deny that unless she can prove you're a harm to the child.

Maybe she resents that fact that you are handling the "parenting" or visitation responsibilities and she wants him to own up to his own instead of having you do it? Seems to me like he's putting his parenting responsiblities off on you. Perhaps that is what BM is upset about. SD6 is there to spend time with her Dad. Not you.

"nstead, we have to load two other children (DS4 and DD1) into the hot van (no AC) on 90 degree days and drive 45 minutes north to pick up the entitled pretty pretty princess, and 45 minutes back home."

Why can't he pick her up alone? There's no reason to load everyone in the car.

As far as the phone calls just limit them to once a day. Have SD6 call her before bed time. If she doesn't like it she can take you to court but a judge isn't going to say you have to answer every call.

We don't expect my SD11 to call my Mom Grandma. It's not her Grandma. She calls her Nancy. And she calls my brother by name as well. Not uncle. It's not her uncle. If she one day called them by Grandma or Uncle on her own that would be fine, but we would never "tell" her what she needed to call one of MY (not her) family members. From the Mom's side it could be very hurtful to hear her daughter call someone else by thoes names. She should have swallowed her hurt and not said anything for the sake of her daughter but.....she didn't.
We told my SD it doesn't matter what name you call someone by. It's how you feel about them in your heart.

    Bookmark   June 15, 2011 at 9:43AM
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Big (((hugs))) honey, you have a lot on your plate!

When will you know if you are pregnant for sure? You might be feeling just a tad bit emotional and overwhelmed right now.
Take a deep breath!! And relax.

First of all, this is what I would do... No longer will you be picking up sd from BM if you can't leave your children at home. BF needs to go get his child so that your children can nap or stay in the cool, whatever.
Wash your hands of that.
Second, turn your ringer off, get SD6 and go do something to have some fun (park, pool, movies, nature walk, WHATEVER) and keep the phone on silent for a while. We have already had a threa similar to this subject on phone calls. Go read what everyone has to say on constant contact. I believe it is the thread 'so damaging'. I don't think there is anything wrong with sd going Thursday to Sunday with not talking to BM who is grilling her for info, making her feel suffocated, and causing drama between this little 6 yr old and other members of her family.
It boils down to BM is terrified that sd is going to love being with your family and that some how BM will lose SD so she has her momma claws out and she is marking her territory. I think the best thing to 'stop' a BM that acts in this way is to take a little step back and let her realize you aren't taking her place. She may not ever notice ... But you could give it a try. For example, dad needs to be doing drop off and pick ups, all communication needs to be between dad and mom. Let dad be the one to handle situations with sd( sounds like he already does, these are just suggestions). This probably won't work but from a Bm standpoint - what would have made me feel better when my daughter was that age was if I saw BD doing more for his daughter than his girlfriend. (no slap at you promise) his GF did everything and he was never home ( it's still the same way, it just doesn't bother me anymore)
I wonder what had BM so worked up and territorial? How long have you been together? Has she always been this way?

Dont give up yet! Sd is right in the middle and she doesn't know what direction to go in... Comfort her, let her know how much you love her and although I wouldn't allow her to be disrespectful or hurtful, just understand it's because she is trying to be 'loyal' to mom and mom is putting pressure on her and sd is about to explode. One day she will if it doesn't stop.

I also think SD should be able to call anyone anythin she wants. I went through this too but the opposite direction. BD and SM do not want dd calling my dh's parents grandma/grandpa but she is required to call SMs parents grandma/grandpa and SM MOM...
Double standard and honestly I think it's an insecurity and you should tell sd she should do whatever makes her feel comfortable.
I think calling your mom grandma is absolutely acceptable. Especially since there are other children in your home that call her that.

MrsProffitt has kind of the same situation -- same age SD so maybe she will chime in and tell you how she deals with the situation.

Good luck!! Big hugs and Hang in there

    Bookmark   June 15, 2011 at 10:03AM
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Thanks for your input - it has been an issue from the beginning where I felt as though BF was more interested in pleasing BM than me - LOTS of tension. He wont even stand up for me when BM is disrespectful to me.
BF does not have a drivers license, so he relies on others to transport SD6. SD6 was calling my mom grandma on her own as well as my sister Auntie - I remember my sister looking at me like "OK is that OK?" the first time she called her auntie. SD6 started getting my mom's attention by saying, "hey, hey."
I recommended limiting her phone calls to once a day and BF was not for it because he thinks it would get turned around on him. BM is rotten at turning around things on him like that - I think because he has NEVER stood up to her. And when she has a bad day she calls him and puts him in a bad mood.... I hate it.
We have been together for 3.5 years and it has always been this way - just it has been getting progressively worse. She even goes as far as finding an excuse to pick up SD early if she knows we are doing something with my family.
I do agree that he should have to find another way to get SD if BM has limitations on me - I don't feel it is necessary to bring the whole family when I pick up SD, when she is left in my care for hours while her dad is at work. I just don't get it.... I think it is more about BM having control on us than anything.

    Bookmark   June 15, 2011 at 10:51AM
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I read a bit of your older postings as I needed to refresh my memory. Yes, Mom, you certainly have your hands full and very little help from the fathers of both your son and your SD. I'm not sure exactly why all these fathers think it's perfectly ok to either dump the parenting on you and/or have you do all their running/jumping yet tell you how and what you will do it as.

I find the attitudes of both of these men towards your son appalling. I the little guy is doing well these days.

As to this current posting...please don't take your hopelessness and anger out on the little girl as you called her the 'entitled pretty pretty princeness. It's not the child's fault she has a controlling, smothering, manipulative mother. She does not at 6 realize what is happening and how abiding by what Mom says/does affects everyone else. Poor babe is just following orders (demands) of her birthmother. Think of it as she is being programed, rather like a robot, to do what and how her mother is directing her to do. She is as much a 'victim' in this all you and your own children. Too young to really know what's what yet.

Not to dismiss Dad's time with his daughter, it's time Dad figures out how to pick up and drop off his own child. It's just not working for you anymore. Maybe Mom and your BF can work out a better plan...agreements can sometimes be reached and if all else fails, modifications to arrangements can be persued. Normally I'd say taking your two little ones to get the SD is not the courts problem, but the 'rules' seemed to have changed on you part way through the process. Where you could do it on one day suddenly BM has decided 'no, not gonna happen anymore'. So it's time to have BF and Mom figure out what is going to work. It's not your problem that the parents changed the agenda...it's theirs.

What is up with the 'back the %ell up' attitude coming from BF? Not to be mean or deliberately negative, but he sounds like he can be a jerk. Picking up his child is not your problem. Feeding his child to her personal likes and dislikes is not your problem. I don't like the sounds of what I hear here 'do do do and do it my fricking way'. It's the way your posting are coming across to me, I'm sorry if I'm 'reading' them wrong but it is the impression I get from them.

It sounds like you now have a number of children (both yours, his and ours) that you seem to be responsible for while everyone else goes about their merry ways.

You certainly have to make up your own mind and what you are willing to continue doing and putting up with, but you're posting sound so unhappy to me. Maybe it is time to rethink what you want in your future. Maybe it's time to seriously sit down with BF and tell him how you feel and that this set up is just not working anymore.

No child needs to call/talk to their mother 3 times a day over the course of a few days. Quick good mornings and goodnights would be one thing...but three calls to drill the child is an intrusion into your home and your homelife, a pure means of controlling the opposite household. But it seems Dad is fine with it. Well, of course he is because he is not the one there putting up with it nor handling the outfall it can cause.

I really have no advice for you other than talk and than standback and think real hard about your life, your feelings for this man and your future.

You do need a hug this morning, that I can offer as Myfam has. Come back and talk to us, I think you need some support and understanding.

    Bookmark   June 15, 2011 at 11:08AM
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ds4 is doing much better these days, we have went almost 2 years w/o him being hospitalized! He went through an intensive feeding program where he leared how to eat. He still can only eat pureed foods and thickened milk, but he is still eating.
I was in the process of haveing DS's BD overnight visits taken away since I had solid proof that he was loosing weight while a BD's, but when it came down to it, the doctor was not willing to stand up for me in court to acknowledge this. Things are not so bad now that it was required for BD to attend half of the 8 weeks of intensive treatment, but sometimes he still comes home constipated and wheezing.
I did a lot of work on my relationsip with DS with the help of a professional since I was not able to bond with DS when he was born, now he is the light of my eye and I have more than just a medical nurse type of relationship with him.
As for the current delima, I am not sure what I am going to do, but it is clear to me that BF will do anything to make SD6's BM happy, and will do little to make me happy. I did some thinking on the way home from class tonight and I think it is time for me to stand up for myself, as hard as it may be. I know that I will get some resistence and I know BF will be really upset, but at the same time, so am I ALL the time. My SF is going to be out of town this weekend and I want to go out to eat with him for father's day on Thursday evening, so if BM wont let me get SD6 w/o BF thursday afternoon then I guess she can just wait until Friday when BF gets out of work. I just fell like I need to do this or I will keep getting pushed around and I have had about as much as I can take. To be honest - this will be my second night sleeping on the couch, and I am prepared to sleep there tomorrow and the next night too.

    Bookmark   June 15, 2011 at 11:57PM
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The couch is sometimes more comfortable than the bed ;)

    Bookmark   June 16, 2011 at 12:48PM
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Yeah, and I don't have to listen to his snoring...hehehe

    Bookmark   June 16, 2011 at 6:08PM
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So last weekend went well, better than most, but I sort of put my foot down. I called BM since BF would not and gave her two options of when I could pick up SD6, she ended up letting me pick her up w/out BF, which was nice. I was able to visit w/ my step father for father's day. I also ignored the phone when BM called, especially when SD6 was outside having fun.

Since then, however, I have been feeling lonely and unhappy in my relationship w/BF. I told him that I feel like he does not take my feelings into consideration (I have asked him over and over again to get a parenting time schedule through the courts. It has been 3 years and still not done,) and that he does not tell me I am beautiful, that I feel like what I do is never enough, that when I ask for help he thinks I do not appreciate the things he does for me, and that I am beginning to wonder if the grass is greener on the other side. I feel like I have done so much for the sake of our family, and it seems like I am the only one trying. I am exhausted with this and feel like walking away. He has even begun to drink heavier (still only 2-3 drinks per night, but more often per week.)
BF told me that he thinks that SD6 is an inconvenience because of her mother, and that he does not want to have SD6 here more often because it is hard to hear from both BM that he HAS to do A, B, and C and from me that I feel like I am being pushed around, and that it is unnecessary to take the whole family to pick up SD6. He said he would take the time off of work to get a parenting time order, but he wants me to lay off a bit. I then told him that I would not be providing the transportation then if he was not willing to stand up for our family, that he would have to find another way to get SD6 here. I am so tired of feeling like he is more interested in making BM happy than me. She does nothing but cause problems over here, and I do everything for my family......Well I am almost ready to walk away, especially if something does not give.

    Bookmark   June 24, 2011 at 11:49AM
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I think you have your hands full with your children, I hate to advice this but maybe you are right an walking away is a smart thing to do. Life is too short to be unhappy. But wait a minute is DD this BF's child? How is he with her? Is he a good father?

    Bookmark   June 24, 2011 at 12:09PM
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Yikes - have we gone a little too far with the acronyms maybe? Okay most people know "BF" is boyfriend...but is it "biological father" here? Then I suppose BM is "biological mom"...but jeez SD6, BS4, DBF, DS4, DD1, DS, SF....I feel like I'm in chemistry class or something....need a glass of H2O...

    Bookmark   June 24, 2011 at 12:39PM
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I know something that should help, if your BF can stick with it. BF needs to take the time to go to court and get a very, very detailed parenting plan - not just a schedule, but every detail he can think of that has caused an issue before (and then some): who can pick SD up, where pick ups are, who is driving, do holidays override vacation time override regular weekends, how many times per day/week/month and at what times can parents call? Everything. The courts prefer when parents can work with each other, but they also understand that sometimes that does not happen, and that one or both parents will try to control the other's parenting time.

So, now BF has this order in hand - and he has nothing to talk to BM about. Neither do you. Anything important that relates to SD, BM or BF can email. There is nothing for BM to argue about, or try to control anymore - it is all spelled out.

BF may not be standing up to BM because he is afraid. If she's controlling and manipulative it can be very difficult because BF may have been "trained" that his life will be made a living hell if he disagrees with her. Right now he's got two options; keep caving in to BM, nothing will change on that front and he will spend the next 12 years, at least, like a puppet dancing to her strings. Or get an order and stick to it. BM won't be happy - but she can't do anything about it either. If she doesn't follow the order take her to court for contempt.

    Bookmark   June 24, 2011 at 1:07PM
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I don't think the issue is BM or lack of parenting plan if you read her last post.

    Bookmark   June 24, 2011 at 2:43PM
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Mom, have you ever tried a bit of counseling for yourself? You have so much going on and I think a professional may help you sort it all out in your mind. It really might help you see your options and if this is really what you want. And you might be pregnant again?

You really have lots on your plate, the kids, the bio-mom, the kid's fathers and the personal issues in your relationship. Do you have parents or a good friend near by that you could perhaps stay a couple days with so you think clearly without other things clouding your thoughts? You could just tell him it's a mini break/vacation...you need a bit of time to yourself. You're overwhelmed and you might find a bit of space helpful in sorting out your feeling and/or discovering what your options really are. You've tried honestly talking with BF and he just is not understanding the depth of your feelings and concerns...or it is what it is and this is the best this relationship is ever going to be. Lots of thinks for you to think about. At some point you may decide you need to think about yourself and what's best for your child/children, only you can make those types of decisions. There's nothing wrong in reaching out and admitting you need someone to help you sort it all out or even to help you if you decide leaving is what you need to do. You sound so very depressed and pretty at your limit now...maybe call your social services in your area and see if there is referrals they can point you towards.

    Bookmark   June 24, 2011 at 5:25PM
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Big hugggs!!

I too hope your BF can get a parenting plan soon and will do something to move it faster. Your lives, your family time will be much more relaxing if he does.
Your story sounds too familiar. This too happened to my brother at about age 6 of his daughter. BM was so controlling. There was no parenting plan, but of course a child support order. His wife was at her wits end. He didn't want to set clear boundaries with BM in fear that she would take his child away. He let her tell him when he could see his daughter, on her terms, which ended up almost being never. She refused to allow his wife, my SIL who actually was never a threat to their daughter at all. Only a threat to BM in BMs mind. She would call and call. She demanded this and that. So finally he gave up. He just decided his daughter was not worth all of the fighting and the turmoil from BM. He didn't stand up to her and my SIL was do fed up with HIM allowing this woman to control him and his family just to see his child a few times a year. Now she is 15 and she is a bitter teen who thinks her dad walked out on her. No doubt thanks to her mom. She was alienated from our entire family. He had no means to fight for parental rights. He regrets it but until she is older and maybe the bitterness has worn off, he is not in her life except for the occassional medical bill and a text needing to ask a question about something.
I hope for your BF and SDs sake that he sets clear boundaries. Gets a parenting plan in place and enforces it. She can't do anything to him that she isn't already doing. She is already making him and you miserable. She is winning! Your SD is worth it for him to take off work to fight for his rights!

I also think counseling for you would be beneficial. Especially since you may be pregnant. Remember during pregnancy your hormones are going crazy directions and you may be overly emotional about sensitive subjects. Or even not so sensitive subjects ... Counseling is a wonderful resource for me. A lot of people think I am wack for even talking about therapy. 'only crazy people go to therapy'. Absolutely not true. I'm more sane than anyone I know because I did what I needed to do. I sought help. I fixed my inner issues that weren't brought on by me. I learned to forgive, which is a very powerful tool. And to relax. To thank my blessings big or small. To see a different perspective. It helped me so much and it's a great release. It's confidential and I don't have to worry about being judged if I show a weakness. Check it out. At least it may help to clear up anything inside your head that you can't deal with with anyone else.

Good luck! Don't give up, take care of you and those babies. If your BF is interested try couples therapy. Maybe hearing from someone else what a disservice he is doing to you as his partner, that might make him realize what he needs to do. Giving up on his daughter should not be an option for him though.

    Bookmark   June 26, 2011 at 2:12AM
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Since I have talked to BF about my feeling he has been making an effort to make things right. He called and asked BM if we could keep SD6 for the 4th and she agreed, she is even going to pick her up the following day after she gets out of work. BF has started to help me more around the house, or at the least keeps me company while I do the dishes - it is nice to actually carry on casual conversations with him. I hope all this is genuine and will continue this way.
I have taken part in counseling in the past and still do today I told BF that I think it would be beneficial to get into couples counseling- actually if not that was a deal breaker for our relationship. I didn't tell him this was a deal breaker until after he agreed to it. I have not yet set something up, but I do have a session scheduled with my counselor for both of us and hopefully she can help direct us to where the best fit would be.
I also failed to mention last week that I am not pregnant - my period was just a week late - which is not too normal. Now is not a good time for a baby anyway.
Thank you to everyone for your kind words - it is awesome to have a place like this for support when times are tough, and to lend support when they are not so tough.

    Bookmark   June 28, 2011 at 8:43AM
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