Maid of Honor tantrum

OshkoshBrideMay 24, 2004

Here is my situation...I had asked my best friend of 15 years to be my Maid of Honor, hoping that she would be mature enough to handle the situation. The problem is she used to date a good friend of my fiance, and he also is in the wedding party. Well the two of them got into a big fight and she said she told him that she was not going to be in the wedding. This is on top of her throwing 2 huge fits when I went bridesmaid dress LOOKING with my mother and 2 other BMs without her. I had taken her several times by herself. She is complaining that I will undermine her by choosing ugly dresses (why would I want ugly dresses at my wedding" After the last fit she had, in which she told me that I was making all the decisions (last time I checked it was my wedding) So, I have not talked to her in 5 days, after she told her ex that she was not going to be a part of the wedding...I am just so sick of drama. I am an adult and my life has just all fallen into place since my fiance and I have met. I know she is upset with her single status, but she brings all of this on herself. I have another friend who is married that lives out of town and she can be my Matron of Honor...that friend knows all the drama with the other and had warned me about making the choice to have her as my Maid of Honor, but I thought it would be easier since she lived in town. The deal is, I now have 3 girls standing up, and Scott will have 4 guys. I am not close to any other girls enough to ask them to be in my wedding. And I do not want my side to be all about Scott's friends wives. I already have his sister and his best friends wife, that leaves my out of town friend as my only one.

The advice I am getting is that my ex maid of honor will come around, but I don't want to deal with the stress of her emotions as I plan for my day.

To top it all off, she never called me to drop out, just had the message passed along. UGH.

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Ouch, that's a painful situation from the sound of it. I just went through the wedding/reception last week and I have to say the stress is pretty high before the ceremony so if you're feeling this way now it may be a good thing your 'ex' MOH dropped out. I do think it's pretty tacky of her not to talk to you about it, herself! I can understand her feeling left out or left behind because a good friend has found someone to share her life with, but she's acting out her issues with you and that obviously isn't helping you as you prepare for your big day.

Can you talk to her rationally about what's bothering you regarding her behavior? If so, I'd at least suggest trying and if she's unreasonable, go ask your out of town friend to honor you with her participation in the wedding!

    Bookmark   May 24, 2004 at 1:13PM
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My out of town friend was a bridesmaid anyway, I have just bumped her up to Matron of Honor. I have tried talking to her rationally before she blew up...she is just incapable of putting aside her own issues. I noticed that two months ago when she was her own sister's MOH, she was tantruming then...Oy Vey...but I do believe everything will work out wonderful, with or without her. In my past life I would have freaked out major, but I can't believe how calm I am!

    Bookmark   May 24, 2004 at 1:19PM
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Good for you! It's your day and you should feel calm or as good as you can about it! My DH's BM and a groomsman pulled out (couldn't afford the cross country trip) about 3 wks before our wedding and we got another friend to be a groomsman and his dad was his BM and you was all good and we enjoyed having his dad stand up for him. It was very special! So I think things will work out for you too, you've got the right idea- don't stress too much, just work it out as best you can!

    Bookmark   May 24, 2004 at 2:00PM
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Congratulations on your calmness in the midst of all of this. Have you actually talked to her to ensure that she has dropped out? You'd hate to put yourself in the position of finding a new MOH/BM due to inaccurate rumors.

You can do any number of things about the now missing BM. That person could be a male friend or family member and be a bride's attendant. You could just have odd numbers and let it go at that. You could chose a family member that might be a bit unusal - a dear aunt or even grandmother. And MOST importantly, if your wedding (and need of ordering BM dresses) isn't too very soon, you can give yourself lots of time to figure out what to do. A quick decision in the midst of this turmoil might not be the best decision.

    Bookmark   May 24, 2004 at 4:17PM
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Not to hijack your post, but as a quick note, Duckie have you ever considered becoming a professional advice columnist? I am serious - - you have wonderful, insightful responses and an intelligent yet genteel way of framing them.

To the OP, sorry about the stressful situation and hope all works out for the best.

    Bookmark   May 25, 2004 at 1:14AM
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I second cds22's nomination of duckie. She always gives wonderful advice, and I completely agree with her suggestions, as usual. If you don't worry about matching sexes, numbers, or ages of attendants, you'll know exactly what to do. And definitely make SURE she really has dropped out, and that it wasn't just a second-hand account of a snit!
Good luck!

    Bookmark   May 25, 2004 at 11:28AM
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I agree... talk to her to make sure she's dropped out. Then forget about her. It will only get worse from here (I speak from experience). Do you really want to deal with more of her drama on the day of, let alone from now until then?

Don't worry if you have an odd ratio of girls to guys. I'd rather that than have someone in my wedding party who I don't really like anymore or know that well.

Andrea :o)

    Bookmark   May 25, 2004 at 12:30PM
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When my closest friend got married there were 5 of us in the bridal party and 10 groomsmen! Do what works best for you.

    Bookmark   May 25, 2004 at 12:52PM
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Thanks to everyone who has responded. I did call her but got her answering machine. I left a message. She never called back. I have also seen her online and she has made no attempt to contact me. After talking to my mother, who is the queen of etiquette, she said to just continue my wedding plans as though I never asked her to be in it. It is obvious that she has very strong emotions and issues which will only intensify as the date draws near. My mom just thinks it is very rude that she never dropped out in person, letter or phone call. I tried to explain to my fiance that we can have an odd number of bridesmaids and groomsmen, but he doesn't like that idea. We both think it very rude of us to ask one of his guys to drop out. So I guess I will try to "rent" a
Thanks again!

    Bookmark   May 25, 2004 at 10:44PM
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Hey, where do you live, one of us will gladly step in! I've been a bridesmaid 5 times, so I know the drill by heart.

Your friend needs to grow up. People who keep babying her and accepting her behavior are not helping her grow. Since she is acting like a child, those interacting with her, including you, need to make rules and stick to them and she has to learn to see and accept the consequences of her behavior. (This is good training for when you become a mother!)

I also think this is a blessing in disguise for you because by her dropping out- and please make her stick to that - you are being spared a lot of unnecessary grief at a time when you need to have lots of cooperation and support. You don't have to be the "heavy" - you can still be friendly but firm and remind her that this was her decision and now she has to bear the result of it, "no hard feelings".

    Bookmark   May 26, 2004 at 12:39PM
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You are so right on! I have informed everyone else in the wedding party that she will no longer be a part of it. Under no circumstances will I let her back in. At this point I don't even know if she will be invited! Incidently, I am a mom and know how to stick to my guns.
All of my other bridesmaids are very supportive, in fact one saw this coming for a while.
Thanks again!

    Bookmark   May 26, 2004 at 12:44PM
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Glad to hear you worked this out. I agree with your mom. Your "best friend" was and is rude for the way she is behaving. Sounds self centered and immature too. You don't need all the drama she is causing. If you do invite her to the wedding, have you thought of someone to keep watch over her just in case she decides to have another tantrum?! Best wishes for your wedding day! NancyLouise

    Bookmark   May 27, 2004 at 12:25PM
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If she's your best friend of 15 years, I would think very carefully before deciding not to invite her at all. But I do like NancyLouise's suggestion of having someone keep an eye on her. One of my attendants was sort of a loose cannon, so I asked another one (a psychologist, as a matter of fact!) to SECRETLY "babysit" her and keep her from disrupting anything. It worked perfectly -- to this day, she has no idea.

    Bookmark   May 27, 2004 at 2:36PM
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If you invite her, she WILL cause a ruckus at the wedding, don't do it... just call the friendship quits, and if later on in the future (after the wedding) she decides to approach you and give you your well deserved apology, then that would be great.

    Bookmark   June 7, 2004 at 10:51AM
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The situation as it stands is that she will not be an invited guest. I have already asked my married friend to be the Matron of Honor and asked another friend to be a bridesmaid. We had most of the weding party over for a BBQ on Memorial Day and all were relieved that the ex friend will not be a part of the wedding. One said that now everyone can relax and have fun instead of catering to the drama queens needs!
As far as I am concerned the friendship is over and it is time to move on. I have enabled her enough over the years and my focus is on my new wonderful almost married life!
Thanks again to all who have responded!

    Bookmark   June 7, 2004 at 12:26PM
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I'm glad that the situation worked out for the you can have fun planning your wedding.

This is totally off topic, but Oshkosh Bride, I noticed that you responded that you are a mom. I was wondering how old your kid(s) is/are and what you plan on doing with them for the wedding. Are they old enoughto be a part of it?

I have three boys (one son, two stepsons...I'm the SAHM to them all though). They'll be 5, 6, and 7 when we get married and I was thinking about doing the family medallion thing and maybe a sand ceremony.

    Bookmark   June 18, 2004 at 12:40AM
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Yes, now I can have fun planning my wedding! Argh
Yes, I do have a son, he will be 11 when we get married. My son wants to be the ring bearer, I want him to stand up at the alter with my fiance and my mother wants him to walk with her and I down the aisle. So at this point I have no idea how that will play out.
Back to the MOH tantrum. On the last day of school (our kids go to the same school) she cornered my son and tried to pump him for wedding information, like who replaced her and asking other questions too. Evan didn't giver her much info. When he told me what she did my fiance and I sent her an email telling her how inappropriate it was to involve a child in her antics and that we are holding her to her decision to back out of the wedding and to basically mind her own business. It was not in a malicious tone, just to the point. We have not heard back from her since.
Good luck with your wedding plans...keep me posted as to what you will do with your children. By the way, what does SAHM mean?

    Bookmark   June 18, 2004 at 2:00AM
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stay at home mom (not that they actually STAY at home; they're busier than most working moms)

    Bookmark   June 18, 2004 at 11:20AM
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How awful of her to drag your son into it. I guess you should be relieved that it happend now with enough time to replace her.

And Talley Sue already answered the SAHM question ;0)

    Bookmark   June 18, 2004 at 11:44AM
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Oh, I am a SAHM! Thanks again for everyones replies. This forum is a great place for me to "vent", that way I can't drive my poor fiance even crazier!

    Bookmark   June 20, 2004 at 11:07PM
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What a B**ch! Tha woman was never your friend than...She was probably being fake.Forget her she acts like you need to kiss her A** for her being in your wedding.She should be honored.Whens your wedding anyways???Mine was last saturday and I was 2 hours late:(

    Bookmark   September 12, 2004 at 4:50AM
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