Happy Father's Day fiasco

imamommyJune 20, 2011

SD is on Summer vacation. DH gets the 1st three weekends during summer when SD is with BM. Last weekend, SD wanted to stay & go with BM because a friend of theirs rented a house boat for the weekend. Fine. DH let her because she was excited & wanted to go.. it's summer & he said he'd like to make up the weekend on the last weekend of the month. Apparently, they are going to be spending that weekend on the house boat too... so he was told no. He still let her go but said he wanted to see her on Father's day weekend.

So, SD came this weekend. My older sister was planning to cook a dinner for our dad at his house & we all would spend the evening together. SD would have gotten to have dinner there at my dad's before it was time to be picked up. This morning, at the last minute, she canceled so I planned to take my dad out for Father's Day dinner after work... with my younger sister & our brother. Then, DH asked if he could invite his parents so he can treat his dad to dinner too. That was fine. Then SD asked DH if she could use her saved money to take him to dinner. The whole day... the plans evolved from me taking my dad out to dinner to everyone wanting to join so they can have dinner with their dad. I thought it was great... all the dad's being celebrated. The only problem is that SD gets picked up at 6 on Sundays. We worked until 4 so dinner was going to be around 6 or 7. (even if we made it 5, it wouldn't be enough time to get back for SD to be picked up on time). So, all day... SD is calling BM to ask if she can get picked up later so she can go. BM sends grandma to get her & SD called BEFORE grandma left to come get her. BM said she can only go to dinner with us if SD spends the night & grandma can pick her up tomorrow. DH & I both have to work in the morning so that wasn't going to be an option. I leave at 6:45am & DH leaves at 7:30am. So, DH calls his mom to see if SD can spend the night there & the other grandma could pick her up from there tomorrow. I guess she had an appointment or a meeting & couldn't keep her.

Our reservations were for 6pm and grandma was going to pick up SD from the restaurant. (I thought it was insensitive to make her go with us to the restaurant if she can't go in & eat... so I had suggested grandma could pick her up early from our house... was told no) So, BM sends DH a text to tell him that grandma is there, where are we? just as we are pulling up. SD is sniffling & clearly upset that she isn't getting to go to dinner with her daddy for Father's Day. Before we left, I had suggested that DH could invite grandma to stay for dinner so SD could get to go and when we arrived, he immediately invited her to stay. She said no. SD wanted to go say hi to her other grandparents that were already inside waiting for us... and then she left. DH said she was pretty upset.

Technically, the court order says DH gets Father's Day but on holidays, the pick up time is actually 5pm. IMO, it might have been better if SD had been picked up from the house instead of having to be whisked away from the parking lot... especially after going inside & seeing everyone there & she was going to miss out. And I know that it's not fair to plan things on BM's time so that's not the problem... I didn't "expect" BM to be agreeable. However, it wasn't about "her time" because she was perfectly willing to give up the whole night & let grandma come get her the next day... so, it's not like she missed SD & couldn't bear to give up the time with her... and SD hadn't eaten so grandma was going to have to stop & feed her anyway... and it was FATHER'S DAY... and just last week, DH was flexible enough to let SD go do something she wanted to do, but now that she wanted to have dinner with her dad, it's no way.

Oh well, it will probably all somehow become "MY FAULT" because I made the reservations for a time when SD couldn't go... even though the event was originally me taking my dad out to dinner after SD was to be picked up & we both had to work until 4pm so it's not like we could have planned it for breakfast, lunch or brunch with SD. It's times like this that I wonder what SD's thought processes are? She was clearly upset with her grandma because she told DH that the excuses grandma was giving were bull. I kinda wonder if she lets it go or does she give them attitude like she gives me? It really put a damper on what should have been a fun evening with my dad.... because even my dad was upset that it turned out that way for SD.

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When the kids grow up they will remember all of these things and have an "adult" understanding of it. They will then better appriciate the people who were there for them and did the best by them no matter what.

My SD is only 11 and she was telling us last night that her Mom was "acting like a little kid throwing a temper tantrum when she doesn't get her way. And she's only causing a problem because it's Father's day and she doesn't want Daddy to have a good Father's day."

So the kids already know the jig is up wether they verbalize it or not.

    Bookmark   June 20, 2011 at 7:48AM
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clearly there was one smart solution. SD's grandma stays for dinner with everyone else, enjoys her meal, and then drives home with SD. even if she hates everyone there, still it would be nice to stay for the sake of a child. that would be the best, yet same obnoxious grandma said "no" not even thinking twice that she is hurting a child. from what i gathered from your posts she is even worse than BM.

    Bookmark   June 20, 2011 at 9:52AM
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My mom would have said no because she hates BD and often makes things worse by not thinking things through. I would have allowed dd to stay a couple more hours. Granted the drive isn't far. Not a big deal. Honestly from a BM perspective, I think mom's who make it impossible for a child to have extra time or impossible to agree to changes is really showing that they are jealous that they don't want their child participating with 'the other' families. I felt this way a long time ago. Lol I remember the first weekend of our seperation was devastating. It was a Thursday and the judge allowed BD to have dd Friday night- Sunday night because his parents had come in to town to support him through 'this rough time'. I did not get along with my ex inlaws. So when I found out the ENTIRE family was in town... I flipped. I stormed over there, demanded my dd back (not my time to have her) but then when BD was bringing her out, she was bawling (she was 4) I don't want to leave mommy my cousins are here!! I miss them! We're going swimming! Mommy!! I just broke down, I sat in the drive way crying (feeling sorry for me). I didn't want to go home alone. I didn't want to get divorced. He filed on a Tuesday, the following week we were in court on Thursday, this was Friday or Saturday. I had no idea BD wanted a divorce so I was just in complete shock. I let her stay. I felt like such a fool. So embarrassed how I acted. It only proved to his family how right they were about me. And that ate me up even more. I was so 'jealous' they were having family fun and I was no longer included.
I changed quickly. I still sometimes feel a 'pang' of jealousy but it never goes further than a stab at the gut and I move on. So being in those same shoes I can see what people (mom's and dad's alike are guilty of this) are doing it and identify it. I don't think it's healthy. It's the most unhealthy thing for a person to walk around like that. And what neither grandma nor BM realize is they are hurting SD. She probably sulked all the way home.
I often wonder if DD treats dad and SM the same as she treats me when she doesn't get her way or what she wants... I know I say yes more than they do. I hope she does though. I sometimes hate how they get 'special' treatment by dd just because she isn't around them much. It's ok to disrespect me and to whine an yell at me when she doesnt get what she wants ... But towards them she accepts their answer and says nothing back to them... But I deep down know it's because she isn't comfortable with them. I guess I'm ok with that.

I actually enjoyed sharing that story because it reminds me how much I've grown in 6 1/2 years :)

    Bookmark   June 20, 2011 at 2:10PM
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"It's ok to disrespect me and to whine an yell at me when she doesnt get what she wants ... But towards them she accepts their answer and says nothing back to them"

I so hear you on this! DD once had a surgery and had to deal with great amount of pain and discomfort afterwards, we were all there and she was whiney and actually pretty rude to me and very dismissive with her dad several days after that (which we understood totally), yet she was polite and patient with SM.

She did apologize later and said she was in so much discomfort that she had no energy to pretend for mom or dad but simply must pretend for other people because they aren't mom and dad and only later she realized how it appeared to others.

You know like being yourself and vulnerable with loved ones especially when you are in pain and pretend for others. I could understand that.

    Bookmark   June 20, 2011 at 3:34PM
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Hmmmm...makes me think b/c BM calls DH up all the time asking for help with her daughter because she is being bad/unruly/disrespectful. We have little to no problems like that at our house.

Gives me something to think about. I always just thought she behaved because she knows we will 100% punish her and follow through whereas Mom does not.

I'll have to ask her.

Thanks for the food for thought Myfam.

    Bookmark   June 20, 2011 at 3:47PM
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Yes I used to share with Bd how she would act and behave and he would say she doesn't do that with me. And they think I don't discipline her, hence their critisizm of my parenting.. But I do and it works but because they don't see her much, she is always sweet and kind and then tells me she is scared of SM... Lol I don't get it. I should be scary!!

    Bookmark   June 20, 2011 at 7:31PM
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myfamp, I am scared of your DD's SM and I haven't met her LOL

    Bookmark   June 20, 2011 at 7:42PM
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Haha PO1 that made me laugh literally. The mediator and paralegal we worked with also told me she was very scary to them... Lol

    Bookmark   June 20, 2011 at 10:15PM
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You should do some research on it to get a better grasp on that situation.

I actually came across an article today on it (by accident).
I was researching defiant 3 yr olds... Lol
And ended up reading an article about how children will act out at home and with the people they love and care for the most because they know that the consequences will not be 'no love'. They are comfortable and know they are loved and that their parent will never leave them so they tend to act out, get angry, behave badly, talk back etc around the people they are close to and comfortable with.

I had been told this by our therapist but it still annoys me that my daughter takes advantage of my love and treats me badly when she is in a bad mood... It doesn't change how I love her, I just wish she could see how much she can Hurt me sometimes. But ... When she is 30 she'll be like me and tell me how right I was and how much she regrets being a brat. Lol

    Bookmark   June 21, 2011 at 11:26PM
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so true myfampg, DD was a true angel throughout her whole school career, I did not get as much as one negative comment or disciplinary issue or any form of complain about her in all 13 years of schooling, yet we wish we could say the same about her at home in teenage years. LOL She was no angel

    Bookmark   June 22, 2011 at 10:30AM
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