Is it over?

lmw123June 19, 2014

My soul mate and I met 6 years ago, married for three of the six years. I have three children from a previous marraige, one of hem has already left the nest. He has no children. When we got together he thought he would be able to handle living with me and the children. As we all know children, like ourselves, have issues.
I have to agree my house was not in order when he first moved in but in time rules were established and the children obeyed. There was finally some order in our home.
As time went on I could tell that his frustrations were increasing. He would tell me he loved me, never wanted to be without me, yet as time has gone on he realized he did not want to raise kids. Over time, he has distanced himself from the children. I am fine taking care of my kids, they actually are pretty good kids. He agrees to that. He just doesn't want to be around them. Yet, he doesn't want to lose me.
A few weeks ago, he told me he was going to move back to his home which is an hour away. He wants to stay married and try to salvage our marraige. He believes that we can continue to see each other during the week. He'll come over on the weekends when the kids are with their dad and in a few years when the kids are older and possibly moved out, him and I can share the same household again together.
I thought about it seriously. Yet for some reason, my heart and mind won't entertain it. It feels wrong. I told him, that I thought about it and I disagree. I told him I wanted to get help from an outside professional. I believe him and I need to weather the storm together, separation for three years, not an option for me. Maybe him and I have come to a crossroad, enjoyed our journey together, and now need to go separate ways permanently He said he would seek counseling with me, but doesn't see where it's going to change his mind. For as long as my one child lives in the same house as him, then he must leave till he leaves.

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southernsummer

LMW, I am so sorry for the pain that you must be going through.

This is very serious, and it sounds as though he has made the firm decision
to separate.

Yes, your marriage is in peril, but not hopeless. Counseling is definitely recommended, and he has agreed to it. He has also left the door open to weekends and a future reconciliation.

Counseling on your own would be beneficial, as well. Is he really the partner that you want? I recall the post on another thread..."it's better to be alone than to be with people who make you feel alone." Thinking about the future, how is this going to work long term when kids return from college or come to visit with grandchildren?

    Bookmark   June 19, 2014 at 5:44AM
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sylviatexas1

'they actually are pretty good kids. He agrees to that. He just doesn't want to be around them'

That's downright offensive.

'for some reason, my heart and mind won't entertain it'

Listen to your heart and mind.

I wish you the best.

    Bookmark   June 19, 2014 at 10:18AM
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dotz_gw

lmw, I know as a mom it hurts that he doesn't see the good kids that you love, but he tried...So may people advise Stepmoms to disengage, because we don't love their kids...I admire the fact that he wants to keep the marriage.... I think I would give the living separate living a chance...They grow up and out and you may be left alone if you cant handle this situation.... A double standard for sure...Depends on how much you love this guy without compromising your dreams of a nuclear family...They will be independent someday, and your soul mate may be gone..Counseling for sure.....

    Bookmark   June 19, 2014 at 10:10PM
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sylviatexas1

or the kids will be grown up & estranged from their mother who hung on to a man who didn't want them, & this guy will have built his own separate life, & she'll be alone.

or he'll move back in with their mother, & the children will resent the way he treated them, & they'll be estranged from their mother.

'Disengage' means stay out of the line of fire, between one's spouse & spouse's child, between spouse & ex-spouse, or between one's self & spouse's toxic children.

It doesn't mean telling your spouse that you just don't want to live with spouse's children, moving out of the house, & expecting spouse to put up with it.

(If OP had been the children's father, & his wife had said & done the things that OP's husband has done, would the advice have been the same)

    Bookmark   June 20, 2014 at 12:28AM
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deborah_ps

I call bull$hit.
I would never in a million years agree to what your spouse is suggesting, ever. He knew exactly who he was marrying...tried on the suit and it didn't fit? Then move on not hang on.

How do your kids feel just being tolerated now? Imagine the scenario with his weekend visits...Momma chomping at the bit to get the kids out the door so her "soulmate" can play house again?
It makes me sick thinking about it frankly because some how I can imagine how you'll both justify that this really could work. Not for the kids you can be assured.
Lose the man or lose your kids, your choice.

I'm going to surprise myself and hit post, not edit, not apologize for being harsh.

    Bookmark   June 20, 2014 at 3:52AM
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stepmomofthree

I think that you dig a little deeper into this situation, and that you should definitely get a counsellor involved.

You admit that your house was not "in order" when you met him, but that rules were established after he arrived. You don't say anything about the relationship between him and your kids. You also don't say anything about life in your home.

How do they treat him? Are they warm and welcoming, or do they resent him for setting limits? What is the atmosphere in your house like? Is it a fun and happy place? Are the kids joking around with Step-Dad, or are they sulking and complaining?

This man is willing to live alone for three years to wait for you, so he must have strong feelings about you and your marriage - yet he can't bear to live in the house with the kids anymore.

I am sure that there is more to this story. It would be worthwhile talking to a counsellor so that you understand better what life is like for him.

I must confess that I have some sympathy for your husband here, because my husband is always telling people that his kids are "good" kids. If he wrote a post on this page, all the parents would jump to his defence, But he wouldn't tell the whole story. My stepson has PTSD and ODD and he tantrums just about every day and goes days without taking a shower. My stepdaughter has clinical depression (probably bipolar), OCD and an eating disorder. They are rude, completely miserable and their behaviour made our homellife a living hell. By the end, I didn't want to be around them either. I am a devoted parent, and I spent 7 years doing my best to raise his kids, but there reached a point that life was so unbearable that I needed some respite. Could your husband be in the same situation?

Maybe you need to look for other options with the help of the counsellor. Is there any way to get more respite at home?

    Bookmark   June 20, 2014 at 7:49AM
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dotz_gw

Totally agree with SM of 3...More to the story..You certainly cant force anyone to love your kids...Also think its unfair to bring out the old" You knew what you were getting into"..He tried , he failed..OP did NOT say he was forcing her to choose between her and her children..He left because he couldn't bond with her kids...No where did she accuse him of abuse or cruelty of the kids.Sigh, life s not a fairy tale..OP is between a rock and a hard place...

    Bookmark   June 20, 2014 at 10:13AM
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