SM says..........

myfampgJune 25, 2011

Dd has lice and she *must* have gotten it from mom because 'I have never even seen lice'. Well DD's been gone for a while to their house and I think if she had it when she left, wouldn't the rest of us have it? Maybe?

So I know nothing about the little creatures so I researched. Still dumb founded. I don't find lice or nits or anything else in dd's hair. After $27 of frantically buying the best over the counter treatment and quickly racing home to get started before anything gets infested here, I find, build up, normal dandruff and a sun burn that is peeling. I ask 'Dd when is the last time you washed your hair?'

'well I wash it every day at the pool when I go swimming...'

'you wash your hair with shampoo at the pool? Cool!'

'no I just get it wet and the chemicals wash it'

'so when is the last time you took a bath and washed your body?'

'I don't know-- it's been like, well it was this week -- I just lost track of what day'

'are you kidding me????'

'what!!!?? Is that bad?!'

' you must wash your body every single day. You must wash your hair at least every other day with shampoo and with soap and wash cloth. In between your toes, and behind your ears and absolutely do not forget your privates and your pits!!'

'well the pool is like a big bath and it's clean because there are no bugs'

Omg. I give up

So ladies-- who has had lice? I've called all of my friends. No one has had lice and can't help me. I had it once at 12 (ironically at BD and SMs house) no offense anyone just ironic to me.

But I do not see what I remember seeing back then. And I remember it was traumatizing. Embarrassing.

Apparently though a medical professional looked at Dd and said yes she has a very bad infestation. It's VERY bad. Dd said yes this is true that did happen. But after washing her hair really good and then drying it, I find nothing. I used the comb and scratched her scalp in certain places and I get white flakes which I am not surprised she actually has always had this kind of 'build up' dander if you scratch the scalp. I do see that she must have scratched her neck and back of head because she has some scratch marks but she says her head does not itch at all. Even after NOT finding anything as I read I would find, I still treated her an did the comb thingy. I got nothing. Nothing came out. The little flakes I was scratch off her scalp were way too small to get pulled out by the comb. So we washed and conditioned again and there is nothing. No flakes. No bugs. No eggs. No nits. I was told she had huge eggs and I see nothing. Am I missing something here? Please help and then laugh with me while I think of a great response to this email I got about how I need to clean my house....

Oh! And if anyone is wondering... The cell phone was turned off, taken away and is not allowed in the home. Even though it was agreed to and court ordered. Apparently she cried two nights because the answer is no we don't know her number. And when she said I know it by heart they said they couldnt allow her to because there was a law that said they could not call my number??? Wtf?

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WooHoo! Sorry about all the other crap...but for just a second I'm going to cheer the fact she's home safe and is basically ok.

Ok, cheering done. Oldest DS had lice from school many many years ago. Small schools hang hats and coats on hooks side by side and if an infested hat hangs there, it just crawls right on over to check out the next guys hat. Fact there was so much in that school that year the offfice did regular head checks all winter.

If I remember right, it was at least a two step treatment with the second coming x number of days after the first and washing items and vaccuming carpeting and furniture blah blah. Incubation period is like 7 to 10 days and it's spread by contact...lice can't fly or jump, it must crawl.

Here's an indea I bet SM did not think of. Where did Dd swim every day? Lice could be on bathing towel shared by children and or tossed next to each other.

I will assume that BM herself did the first treatment and cleaned her home within an inch of it's life in the areas and items lice could survive on. Though your DD says she did go to the doctor, does she say that right afterwards SM treated her hair with the lice products?

Of course you have a right to view daughter's medical record on this drs visit.

I'm actually more concerned with this one : --"The cell phone was turned off, taken away and is not allowed in the home. Even though it was agreed to and court ordered. Apparently she cried two nights because the answer is no we don't know her number. And when she said I know it by heart they said they couldnt allow her to because there was a law that said they could not call my number??? --"

Too bad a mini recorder was not in DD's pocket. The fricking brutes. Listening to a child cry for two days and all the while totally snub the agreement plan which said she could call. Cold hearted *itches!

Take deep breathes now...remain cool and in control, MyFam. You will not loose it, you will follow lawyers advice, exactly as she advices it and you will count to 100 over and over again before you give these people the reaction the are so gleefully and expectantly waiting for. The old MyFam is gone, the new adult mature level headed MyFam is here. They underestimate how far you're come and how hard you've worked to get there...silly fools can no longer push your buttons you will not let them. Your new strong confident self will merely let your lawyer 'hang them'.

    Bookmark   June 25, 2011 at 4:20AM
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DD had lice once about same age your DD is, she brought them from school, lice don't come form unwashed hair or anything (DD was always clean), lice come from using someone else's hair brush, towel or even sitting next to a kid with lice. No, if she had lice you won't necessarily have them, (I didn't get them from DD)she probably brought them from school and went like this to dads. We bought a special lice shampoo, washed and I brushed her hair with special brush, and it was gone and never came back again. Truly not a big deal. I wouldn't worry about it.

I am somewhat concerned with built up dandruff on her scalp, is it from not using shampoo and not rinsing after chlorine in the pool. It does not sound like healthy hair, she is 10?

What I find extremely disturbing is everything else though. I hope you are going to call your lawyer on Monday and ask for the course of action. Right? If they do not allow her to call you and keep the phone off and make her cry, lawyer needs to be consulted ASAP. I find it extremely disturbing, and it is not even my child.

    Bookmark   June 25, 2011 at 9:19AM
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SD has had lice the past 3 years in a row. She always gets it in October in from school. The school even sends out an email stating how many kids had it and what to do to get rid of it. It's really easy. Buy the drugstore stuff and wash all clothes and pillows/blankets in hot water. Put hair accessories and brushes in a ziploc bag in the freezer overnight.

Did you ask DD if they gave her any kind of treatment before they sent her home? That could be why you didn't see anything.

And if I was swimming in a pool daily and not washing the chemicals out of my hair or off my skin with soap I'd have dry flaky skin too!

And as far as the phone....if they are violating a court order I'm sure there's something simple you can do like have your lawyer send them a letter?

I know it's hard but try not to reply to the email. It will only show you are as immature as they are. Only productive emails trying to reach agreements or arrangements should be sent. Nasty emails telling someone how to clean their house can be considered just unproductive harrasment. (If you have enough of them that you've received but not sent or replied to.)

And is always telling us stuff that doesn't sound quite right and her stories can change sometimes. She did tell us something the "doctor" said but when we ask her if she heard it straight from the doctor herself it turned out to be something that her "Mom told her the doctor said". Like she said she had asthma and eczema but when we called the doctor he said he never discussed thoes things. But SD told us her Mom told her the doctor said she had thoes things. So I would call the dr. and get the scoop straight from the horses mouth.

    Bookmark   June 25, 2011 at 11:23AM
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Well I would love to contact doctor but apparently this was a doctor of SMs and she basically said 'can you take a look'?
Both girls have it. But dd's is 'much worse'.

No she emailed and said I didn't have time before sending her home so you will have to do it when you get home.

I did see what she was talking about but I would describe it as not washing hair for days. Very oil hair yet very dry scalp.
You know what cradle cap on an infant looks like? Almost like that. So weird. Crusty, flaky

I can't take her to the doctor because she goes back tomorrow. Oh and something else. Sm said doctor said. And I asked Dd if she was standing in front of the doctor when they said 'it's lice' and she said yes.

I am thinking of just telling them thank you for letting me know. Also, please have Dd wash hair daily. And leave it at that. Everything I have read says it has nothing to do with cleaning your house. Although I feel itchy just thinking about it lol!!!

I don't know what to do about everything else. I emailed my attorney.
I'll let y'all know.

Yes she is home! I love her. She is so sweet. We got to spend lots of time treating her hair. It was actually a good way to talk and catch up. Lol then we played 'day spa' and cleaned up her toes and nails. I know SM isn't her 'mother' although she takes much pride in forcing Dd to call her that... But why all of the change in behavior. She used to be such a freak about things and now, like she doesn't care or is doing it on purpose. Dd not washing her hair. Not bathing. Nasty long dirty finger nails and toe nails. Ugh. And the kid is wearing flip flops. At least trim them up. Clean them. She is 10! She still needs to be 'guided' in how to take care of herself. Especially when at dad's

I hate that they are probably telling everyone that she got Lice from my house and that we are nasty trash. I can't change it but It still bothers me.

    Bookmark   June 25, 2011 at 11:46AM
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Never dealt with lice. I think that is really icky that she never got to take a bath/shower or wash her hair!!!! Swimming in the pool does NOT get you clean. YUCK. I had this image of this SM as appearing very put together, fashionable, impeccably that right? So WTF is up with her issues of your DD's hygeine? I don't get it! Is her own DD allowed to bathe?

It is such a bizarre issue to me! I don't understand. It's like this strange form of emotional abuse. In another thread you mentioned something about her punishing her DD through physical exhaustion? What does that mean, dare I ask?

I am so sorry, myfampg. This is just such a frustratingly sick situation. I would never wish ill on anyone...but if there were anyone who I thought the world would be better off would be this SM. I know that's a mean thing to say but she just needs to...go away.

ANY chance your ex-DH will divorce her, do you think?

And at what age can your DD say she doesn't want to go over there anymore?

I'm really sorry. I would let your lawyer know ALL of this.

    Bookmark   June 25, 2011 at 11:49AM
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Are they generally people with poor hygiene? I have met people with poor hygiene, that's how they raise their kids too. Or they only have bad hygiene expectations with DD?

I never had such extreme experiences as you but when DD was with dad she was never AS clean and groomed as at home. She was not dirty or unwashed but it was never the same as with me, you know what I mean? Like little things...But of course it was never that bad. It is just that DD had to pay more attention to things while at home I could remind her.

Also I don't know if your ex does it, but my ex used to send dirty stuff home with DD. DD rode horses at both locations, but I sent him clean equipment/clothes. But he sent it back covered with dirt, her horse back riding garb, boots and bridges, dirty! You know how stuff gets in stables? Manure on them, seriously. When DD got older she took care of it, but before that, goodness. Or he would do her laundry, but then wouldn't dry it completely, so it would come back damp. Really? And what did he say every time things like that happened "oh I am so sorry".

What if you insist that no matter what dad and SM say or do, she MUST wash with soap etc?

    Bookmark   June 25, 2011 at 12:08PM
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"when DD was with dad she was never AS clean and groomed as at home. She was not dirty or unwashed but it was never the same as with me, you know what I mean?"

I think that's a guy thing. Or some guys---I shouldn't stereotype. But my DH is the same way. I am the one reminding the kids to take a shower each night, etc. It's not that DH wouldn't but I really don't think he would think about it every night.

For example, if I weren't around, I think nine pm would roll aorund and DH would say to SS, "Oops, you didn't take a shower, oh well, take one tomorrow." He just wouldn't think about it that much. IMO.

I just think moms tend to be more geared toward THAT aspect of parenting---not saying men cannot be that way, but I think often, they are so used to the woman handling that stuff, that they aren't forced to think about it.

My DH is extremely finicky about his own hygeine, LOL. He loves all of his shower products, his shaving cream, deodorants, etc. He's kind of obsessed with actually. So I don't know. Maybe if he were on his own in parenting, he'd be better than I think.

    Bookmark   June 25, 2011 at 12:24PM
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My SO is obsessed with hygiene too lovehadley, he is a clean freak. LOL

I think it might be different with girls though, dads might not be sure how to address certain things. OSD is very clean and neat like SO but YSD not so much. SO was embarrassed to address certain things and asked OSD to tell YSD. It might be different when you have a boy.

My ex was parenting on his own, when we got divorced DD was 4 and when he met someone DD was 10 already. He stayed with SM for 10 years and it ended when DD was 20. DD got along with her great, they still keep in touch and see each other even though ex and exSM are not together.

But exSM was very hands off, she was on a cold side, never did DD's laundry or worried about hygiene, her position was: I am not the parent, dad is. She never ever interfered with anything. DD actually liked it this way and maybe that's why they get along? LOL

My ex is remarried now and current SM is VERY hands on, but DD is adult, so it it irrelevant. As far as personality goes I like this SM better, she is warmer, but if she was the one helping raising DD I don't know how I would handle it. She wants to be a part of everything. LOL But DD likes them both, that's what matters.

    Bookmark   June 25, 2011 at 1:25PM
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--"I hate that they are probably telling everyone that she got Lice from my house and that we are nasty trash. I can't change it but It still bothers me. "--

Pfft...don't let it get to you. Anyone she wags her tongue to that has half a brain knows about lice. For Pete's sake, a waitress leaning over her at a diner with long hair that brushed DD's as she leaned to take the order could have 'gave' it to her. They live on human heads, their little 'claws' shimmy right down the hair and onto the next person. It knows no race, gender, economic status, freshly shampoo'd hair or dirty blah blah...the little guys don't know the difference nor care. It just happened to find your DD somehow somewhere. Not the end of the world. Who's to say Stepsister did not have it first?

We better not hear that *itch of a SM belittles the child over this or jacks her jaw to the child about 'your mother's dirty house did this to us' because that is wrong wrong wrong. By the way, there are kid friendly sites that explain lice in kid terms online in case you need to explain to DD that she did nothing wrong nor did anything to 'invite' her unwanted guest.

I just looked in my DD's student handbook from school and there is an entire page talking about lice...obviously this is not just something that happens to you, her, the neighbor, ect. It's been with this as long as history goes. My DD just told me her school had the classes come down to the office class by class and checked all heads a couple times last fall/winter. The kids think nothing of it, it's routine to them. And she says she has no idea if anyone or not had any. The kids go in one at a time.

    Bookmark   June 25, 2011 at 2:19PM
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didnt read all of the posts so I dont know if someone answered your question yet... but the actual lice are hard to see because those little suckers are fast until they are dead. The nits are the eggs and they should be attached to the actual pieces of hair. They can look white (almost clearish) and sometimes slightly brown. Part the hair, especially behind the ears and near the back of the neck and look closely at the hair itself not the head. (particularly closer to the scalp) Nits will not shake off of the hair... they have a glue like substance that makes it stick to the hair. Lice are attracted to clean heads, so it is not a matter of being dirty but really a contact issue. You also have to wash all bedding in hot water and spray all beds and couches.

Also, there is an issue with lice being resistant to the nix and rid and other such products now. You can use listerine (put in hair and throw on a shower cap for one hour) and then vinegar (put in hair, shower cap, one hour) The listerine kills the lice and the vinegar helps to dissolve the glue that holds the nits. However, if she does have it that comb only gets out the bugs really and not the nits so much... it is an hours upon hours long job of going through the hair strand by strand to pull off the nits. And then you repeat the process again in seven days.

I have had to deal with this with four kids in the past when BM was living with ex bf. Bf's kids would have them, then our kids would get it... it was a never ending cycle for a while.

Oh yeah, dont forget stuffed animals... throw those in the dryer for at least 15 minutes to kill any that might be on there.

    Bookmark   June 25, 2011 at 2:48PM
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SM is very well put together. Very chic hairstyle, I'll dare say she is 'pretty'. She is one of those that has great skin, great hair and is in very good shape. Exercises to the extreme. She isn't a 'name brand' diva by any means. She doesn't carry a fancy purse, she is fashionable in a conservative way. She does drive a very fancy expensive SUV and they live in a very nice home. I've never been in their house but my dad has and says it was very clean, put together, not a piece of dirt to be seen. Dad went in because he was picking up and she wasn't ready so she invited him in. This was a long time ago. She runs with a very high income crowd but they are not high income. She does not work and ex and current Dh make the same income Down to the dollar (kind of weird) I only know this because I was present during child support modification and they listed off his salary. He makes no commissions or anything so I don't think it's actually more for any reason. And we by no means are 'rich' we are on the higher end of middle class..and we have two incomes and child support..

She is very judgemental. She seems to run in cliques of people that have a more luxurious lifestyle. So anything beneath her is trash. Her Dd is very pretty. My Dd is too but they aren't comparable. My Dd is a bit on the healthy chunky side. She isn't chunky in her body as much as she just has chipmunk cheeks which makes her look 'fluffy' in pictures. My Dd was born with fat rolls on her legs, a pudgy belly and big huge cheeks. She was 7lbs. But she was so 'short' she just looked like a butterball on day 1. I get blamed that I don't take care of Dd because she is larger than her Dd but in my defense 1. My Dd was born chunky 2. Dd's BD his always been thick 3. My Dd is very short even still 4. Her Dd is a year younger and not developing like my Dd 5. Her Dd is built like her, very small boned and was a lb. Smaller than my Dd at birth yet 2 inches longer.

They can't compare the two girls. My son is also built very different than Dd. He is very thin and very tall. He eats all day but never sits down. My Dd doesn't eat much but is very much an artist not an outdoor adventurist. She prefers to be inside making things. We have to force bike riding. She gets heat exhaustion very easily. She does not like the sun. She burns easy. She does not like to sweat. So why force it beyond the 'normal' let's go to the park, let's go swimming etc. We don't require her to run a 5k because she doesn't enjoy running. I don't enjoy it either unless I'm pumped up about something. They are preparing her for a marathon run and she is terrified and hates it. But nothin I can do. They say they want her to be healthy. I've told my therapist SMs obsession with food and calories and her constant messing with Dd about her food and what WE eat. As if she really knows what we eat. Lol my therapist says she believes from what I tell her that SM has an eating disorder. She has real insecurities about food and is modeling that for my Dd Which at this age is very unhealthy. Dd loves spegetti but we only have 1 spegetti night a week. We do a little 'italian restaurant' where Dd and DS help cook and then they serve our plates. We all drink out of fancy glasses and on our expensive china. This is a special night we do each week. The kids love it. I asked Dd do you want to do Italian restaurant tonight? She said I do... But we need to make sure the pasta is whole wheat and we should switch to turkey meat instead of beef............. I stood there and looked at my husband and said 'anyone up for big macs at mcdonald's?'
Of course I'm kidding but wtf? We already do those things but I don't discuss it with Dd, I have just always done this. Dd said SM taught her how to chose healthy meals because SM is worried about how much weight Dd has gained ..... She has been 69 lbs for over a year. Her body is changing but she is not gaining any weight at all in a while. Annoys me. SM told Dd that she needs to lose 9 lbs. If she looses 9lbs she will be low on the BMI and percentile charts for her age and height. Why does she worry more about her weight instead of making sure Dd is clean each day? Maybe because she is obsessed. Sm had always been obsessed with my weight. She still tells Dd that I am over weight and unhealthy. That used to really bother me because I was overweight... But also in my defense, I was pregnant with DS. Lol. I guess yeah I was a fat a$$ but come on!!! I was pregnant. Lol
I'm so glad that sm puts so much thought into making sure that I stag healthy so that I can stay on earth and make her life miserable for years and years to come!

Dh and I had a similiar thought. I thought 'they' don't bathe Dd, trim finger nails or wash her hair so they can take her around their friends and whisper, see how nasty? BM does nothing for her! BM is such trash and doesn't take care of this little girl, it's so sad. And now she has LICE!! Yuk! Horrible BM!
Dh actually defended BD and said No... That's a woman thing, Bd probably has no clue. If he is like me, his mind isn't even going in that direction. He is probably the one she is saying it to. Look at how your daughter is being raised. Look how awful her life is.

I do not think that BD and SM will ever divorce. BD has a long history of staying where he is even through misery until the other person makes the first move. The girl he was with before me, he ended up staying with her forever because he didn't want to hurt her but he started a serious relationship with me and kept stringing her along. She was actually a very nice person and didn't deserve that. I know nothing bad about her except her choice in men. I suffered from that as well. Finally he was confronted by both of us. She made the decision to leave and he said ok now I can be with myfam. Well I was pregnant with Dd so of course I stayed. I was so in love!! I never regretted staying though. I think he would have stayed with me forever but his family did not like me and it was very stressful for him. So he filed for divorce. He regretted it a few weeks later. But then I was so glad to be 'put in this situation' that I never went back. I made the decision for us to stay separated and get the divorce. Same with SM, he won't leave until she leaves him. He never ends anything. It has to be
ended for him.

As far as the punishment-- so funny you ask. I do not wan to go in to specifics because it's awful. I'll tell a few things to keep my identity from being exposed.
Swimming laps with no stop- until SM is satisfied.
Push ups until SM is satisfied
Lifting weights
Standing with arms above head until Sm is satisfied
She has slapped her face when she was 6. I've never had a reason to touch my child in such an inappropriate manner.

Making Dd wear panties that have residue from not whipping properly after a bm when she was 6. To teach Dd that what she did was bad and nasty. Instead of showing her how to fix it .
Reasons why SM has not had access to Dd in several years. Charges were dropped because it wasnt a strong enough case to gain a felony conviction. But strong enough to gain a protective order.

So.. That's just some things.

    Bookmark   June 25, 2011 at 2:53PM
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oh, and just read about the phone issue... contact lawyer ASAP that is insane... a little girl crying for two days because she wants to talk to her mom... How cruel can you be?

    Bookmark   June 25, 2011 at 2:59PM
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Just me too - she did tell Dd that this is why you need a clean house and need to clean up food, wash laundry, vacuum ehh I do all that / has nothing to do with any of it except maybe the laundry and vaccum. They can't live without a blood source so they likely won't stay happy in a basket full of dirty clothes.
SM also told me that Dd had it first as hers was worse than stepsister.

I do know what the eggs look like and that they won't fall off of a strand of hair but what do you call it of they do fall off? Lol isn't that flakes? Not lice?

    Bookmark   June 25, 2011 at 3:24PM
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definately not lice then...

    Bookmark   June 25, 2011 at 3:38PM
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"Swimming laps with no stop- until SM is satisfied.
Push ups until SM is satisfied
Lifting weights
Standing with arms above head until Sm is satisfied"

that's abuse.

I assumed it stopped so she is allowed there now or it keeps taking place???? how do you keep your sanity?

also if SM constantly talks about how everything needs to be clean why aren't they making DD to clean herself?

Did I miss the post...did you already contact your lawyer in regards to cell phone issue, crying for 2 days, not washing etc?

    Bookmark   June 25, 2011 at 3:59PM
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My stomach turned reading all that, myfampg.

This woman is seriously mentally ill. Is she super thin? There is a mom at my DD's school (NOT the same woman, she has two boys) BUT from the way you described SM, she reminded me of her. RAIL THIN and excercises compulsively.

Wow. The physical punishment----swimming laps, etc---is abusive, Parent is right. And it sounds like the judge agreed.

God. I'm just so sorry your DD has to be around those people. I cannot believe SM told her she needs to lose 9 lbs???? I don't understnad how all this can go on and still, Dad has visitation.

UGH. Unfortunately, I do. Emotional abuse is sooo difficult to prove. So much of it is subjctive. UGH again. Plus, one really has to HURT one's child before the courts will step in and, even then, they are all about reunification.

It's all so crazy. It's like when BM tried to drive drunk with SS---and I stopped her by calling 911. And what happened? A whole lotta nothing. DH tried to get a protective order on BM on SS's behalf. And it was DENIED. He wasn't even going for a full order, just a temporary 30 day one until they could get into court. Just b/c she was so clearly unable to control her drinking!

It would've been better if I'd let her drive off with him---seriously, she was WASTED, like stumbling down, slurring her words drunk----and she'd gotten pulled over or in an accident. THEN she would have been in serious troiuble.

But, God forbid, then SS would have been in danger. So I'm still glad to have called 911....for HIS sake...but MAD b/c I did that, BM really wasn't held accountable.

    Bookmark   June 25, 2011 at 4:17PM
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Yes it is so hard to proove emotional abuse. If it's not visable or cookie cutter in the form of a serial abuser who is textbook, it's hard to diagnose and hard to proove.
The therapists did see it. They heard it from Dd. So what they thought would help is to 'teach' how to not do this. They gave ideas, advice, told everyone involved of 'how to do this' and everyone said 'ok sounds great' but two people decided as soon as it was over, they would revert back to how they want to do it. I don't know how SM has such a sweet kid honestly. Poor girl. I can't imagine what it is like to have a mom like this.

I have emailed my attorney but I probably won't talk to him until this week. He really does not do anything until he accumulates enough to make an explosion. He won't go in with one or two things. So we wait. But while we wait, guess who is gone for the next month and guess who she is with?

I am having a really hard time bringing myself to take her back tomorrow. I asked if she wanted to go and she said yes. She says they do fun things. I think she likes doing all the 'disneydad' things. This is not your normal Disney situation though. She is being emotionally abused and alienated from me and at the end of the carrot stick is, FUN activities. Don't you want to go swimming every day? Waterpark, shopping, some more waterpark, anywhere you want to go but only if you cut back your calorie intake and call me MOM all day long. And don't forget, no talking about MYfam or we won't get to do all this stuff. If you want to have fun and not sit at boring old grandma's house, you have to 'respect' me and do what I say ...
It would be one thing if we were talking about cleaning room, minding manners, sharing, going to bed on time but what we are actually talking about is sick, mental, emotional, alienation of my Dd and our family here.

I hate this for her but I can't do anything.

And today I feel spent. Spent like a hundred dollar bill. Dd moaps if I don't jump for her. I'm actually surprised at how go go go she is. She wants to go here and there and everywhere. We made specific plans for today and we did them. But yet all I keep hearing once we were home is 'I'm bored! It's not boring at my dad's'. So I told her 'I'm sorry it's so boring but we were gone all day today, it's time to start getting ready for bed; we spent a lot of money today doing things for you and it kind of bothers me that it isn't enough. 'well what are we doing tomorrow?'. Church, maybe some lunch, I thought we would go swimming. Then I take you to dad's later on.
'oh can we go to the waterpark?' no I thought we would go to our pool. 'I hate our pool, I want to go to the waterpark.' crosses arms, slumps on the couch and puts her fat lip out.
I said Dd come on. You are acting very spoiled right now. It's ridiculous for you to demand so much from us. We have 1 full day and a 1/2 day with you and we can't do everything. She said 'i just want to do something fun!'
I told her fun is so relative. Fun for me is watching the news and taking a nap so be glad it's not my day to choose fun. Lol

I guess she is just trying to manipulate me now and that's ok. At least I know she's paying attention at dad's she's learning from the best.

I miss her so much. I hurt for her. I know she is grouchy because she is pulled right now. She has fun there but she has to put up with so much to have fun. Here it takes no effort to be a part of our family. There are no strings attached but yet we don't have high adrenaline fun nor do we have expensive fun. I can't believe I have to send her back... :(

    Bookmark   June 25, 2011 at 11:31PM
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I wonder if part of DD's attitude 'I'm bored', 'I wanna have fun' has to do with spending two weeks with another little girl about her own age and not about being with Dad/SM so much at all? Dad is hardly home over there, so it can't be she's having a great time spending two weeks with Dad himself. Two little girls can have alot of fun together even if no outside activities are going on. They can relate to each other, talk about preteen crap, giggle, like about the same things age wise blah blah.

Part of the 'tude' could be 'coming down' from two weeks of having a constant female buddy to hang with and not so much the go go go. Seriously doubt at bedtime DD thought you were going to take her anywhere or entertain her. But at the other house DD has a built in long slumber party going on. PJ's on, girls share room and I would bet even when lights go out they don't turn over and start snoring.

I would not take everything quite so personally. You know she loves you, loves her family...and you know as well as I do that the waterpark everyday all day day after day is going to grow old.

Until the last months of last year going into this one, DD has not had to go back and forth between the homes. I think she is likely going through some adjustments that she realy does not know just how to handle. It's like she's suddenly living two different lifes and I think it's pretty normal to see a bit of comparison between the two homes going on. Not so much the go go go but the routines and people in the homes and all that goes with that also.

Your house bathes and washes hair every night as an expected and normal routine. Dad's house, that water, dirty is fine. You get up and go to work every day during the week. Dad's house, nope...the SM is home all day, has nothing to do but entertain the two girls. You have another child to care for and attend to in your home. Dad's house, nope, the focus is solely on the one resident kid with occassionaly another tossed in who is about her age and is also a girl.

What about the stepsister's father. Does this little girl visit and/or see her birth father at all? What if any kind of relationship does SM have with her daughter's father?

Also, does SM treat her own daughter with the food obsession thing(even though this child is naturally thin) and all the punishments that she treats your daughter with? I was horrified to read your post about the laps and holding arms up ect...but is this how she treats both girls, or just yours? I think SM is one sick puppy, but I'm curious as to how she mothers her own child.

    Bookmark   June 26, 2011 at 7:13AM
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i hope your lawyer collects enough documentation on your behalf and this stops.

possibly SM's child appears very sweet because she lives in fear, does not dare to upset her mom or maybe SM treats her nicely and mistreats DD just because she hates her, since she is yours. from whats she does it sounds like she dislikes DD and wants to cause pain.

I know there are sickos abusing their children (my child I do what i want) but DD is not even HER child? she abuses someone else's child and thinks it is OK. DD does not even live there, so she is abusing a child who is coming to visit at their house? Unbelievable. I am nto surprised DD wants to go there though, children are very resilient, and many side with their abusers.

    Bookmark   June 26, 2011 at 10:19AM
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She is an equal opportunity disciplinarian. Lol she hands out the same punishments, expectations ect. The punishment thing no longer happens. That was when Dd was younger and then we had these years of no access. According to Dd she never gets in trouble now which I can imagine is true. Dd is a pretty good kid except for the attitude she sometimes developes with me. I take it as she is comfortable to act up around me because I just talk to her. No physical punishment here. When Dd acts this way towards me I just explain to her how it makes me feel and how we are supposed to act. Etc.

You are right. Its because it's a constant slumber party. I'm sure that it's a lot of fun to be with sister. They get along great. No issues between them at all.

SMs relationship with her ex is very inappropriate in my opinion. She rules his house too. He has never remarried, does not bring a girlfriend around. She takes her daughter over for a few hours on some days. If Dd is there and it's his 'night' they let Dd stay with him and s.sister. I do not like this. Judge does not like it. Lawyer does not like it but nothing can be done.
I think he too is scared of the woman Which is why he sees his daughter when she says it's ok. They have no schedule. S.sister is in tons of activities and Dd tells me he takes her and they go pick her up. But they won't allow me to out Dd in any activities that interfere with their time. Which equals Dd can't do Anything at all. I accept it but for Dd she is jealous of s.sister because she wants to participate not just sit on the sidelies. I told them I Would be ok with putting her on same teams as s.sister. They said no way! This is not dd's time. She is here to support s.sister and cheer her. Wtf? Doesn't make sense does it?

Food obsession is the same with both girls. Like I said it's like she has an eating disorder and passes it around to everyone around her. I would be on cloud 9 if I found out she eats twinkles in the closet at night while everyone is sleeping.

    Bookmark   June 26, 2011 at 12:00PM
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OMG this woman is nuts, I also wonder why isn't she working, she is what in her 40s? she is sitting home brewing trouble. i wonder if she gets hefty alimony form her ex. did she ever work? that's just too weird.

    Bookmark   June 26, 2011 at 12:58PM
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--" They said no way! This is not dd's time. She is here to support s.sister and cheer her. Wtf? Doesn't make sense does it?"--

WTF? is right. What is wrong with this lady, it is Dad's time to spend with his daughter...they have stepsister time every fricking day. I'd say Sm has more than a eating disorder going on. Twinkies in the closet Bwahaha.

Well at least SM is consistant in being a *itch. Poor ex husband, shaking in his shoes from her wrath...I imagine he has to jump and ask how high just to see his daughter. Amazing that DD has to go along with Ssister to stay over when SM deems it ex's time for a visit. I can just imagine the uproar SM would sound off if DD invited Ssister to come stay at your house one night. It'd be when *ell froze over...yet she thinks it's perfectly ok to grant DD permission to go spend the night with her ex husband. Sick lady. I could actually understand something like SM's mother's house, kinda like a 2nd Gma and the girls spending time at that Gma's house, but her ex husband?

Small comfort that it might be, at least DD has the other girl with her at Dad's house and that the two girls get along well. That's gotta count for something, she's not along with SM. Except for Dad/Sm objects is there anything from stopping you from signing DD up for some of the same things Ssister does? I mean, would they deny letting her do the stuff... as long as Ssister was there and they were going anyway what would be the big deal? The girls could cheer each other on and both have fun and participate at the same time. Or is it SM is afraid then you and your husband would come and watch too. Can't pretend you don't exist if you were sitting in the stands watching the girls.

    Bookmark   June 26, 2011 at 1:02PM
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They would still say no. Before they were married. Before even living together bd and I agreed to sign Dd up for a comp cheer team at my expense but he agreed to take her to anything that she needed to be in. It was more like a show team not competition. One practice on Saturday's so we Just worked out an odd schedule for visits. As soon as he moved in with her, I get this email that no more would he be taking Dd to cheer or any other sport on his time. Do not even ask the answer is no!

So just a few months ago I emailed Dd wants to sign up for an activity that may fall on Saturday's occasionally. Answer was, you already have her in two activities isn't that enough? I said I was planning to drop those to do just this one. This was dd's choice. They said no she is in enough. We are not driving around taking her from place to place for you.
So I told DD no. Your dad said no.
She literally just asked me 20 minutes ago if she can try out for competition dance. I said you need to talk to your dad but it's a huge commitment and I don't think you will be able to be there. She said it's so unfair! Ssister is in three things and we have to go to them every single day. She is on a swim team and practice is ever day. Meets once a week. Dd goes along. Ssister is on a running team. 5 days a week they go and watch. How is it any different in having her in something every single day and me asking for something an I'm told two days is enough isn't it?
We are going back to court. There is no way around it. They are controlling us from a far. Dd can do nothing because during the school year he has her thursday to Monday every other weekend. I can't put her on a team and then she is the kid that can't be depended on. Ya know?

She did a lot when we had supervised visits. I put her in as much as I could handle just to take advantage of that time. But now literally she has and will never have any life. They tell me she needs more exercise so I say OK let me put her in something. No you can give her exercise without being on a team it's called go do something with your kid. It would be good for your health too! Ugh! I can't win

So Dd told me today she needed to weigh herself because she needs to know if she gained weight this weekend. I allowed out of curiosity what her current weight is. She said nope. On Friday I was 71. Today I am 71.
I measured her. Then went online and used a BMI tool for kids. 74th percentile which is a healthy weight according to the CDC. I looked at her baby book out of curiosity. As a baby she was always in the 95th percentile until 2 and then dropped to 74 and she has stayed there for years. This is normal weight for her. Sm tells her to loose weight I explained to her she is fine. I showed her the article on BMI and how it's calculated explained it says, she is healthy. She would have to gain 10 lbs to go over into the obese or overweight categories. I am emailing the results to BD and copying the therapist and lawyers. And I am going to tell them to stop their sick mental games about weight and health.
She goes back soon and she is clingy. I feel so awful for her.

Po1 as far as I know she has never worked. Not as long as I have known her. She does get money from ex for child support. We live in a no alimony state so no on that. But I have been told he pays for all extras. I wish he would get married to someone like her. She would know misery then and all of a sudden she would loose complete control of everything.

    Bookmark   June 26, 2011 at 4:12PM
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That is awful!! I think you should be able to do something about them not allowing her to be in anything. Can your dd talk to the therapist about this and say exactly what she told you? Then the therapist tell the judge? There has to be something done about this.... it's really not fair. Also, the weight thing has got to stop. I think you and ex dh need to talk, face to face without sm.

    Bookmark   June 26, 2011 at 4:49PM
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No court is over. We have a final order. I'll have to file a new case.

I can't talk to bd he refuses to talk to me. He is ordered to call me once a week and for 5 weeks now not a word.

Therapist and judge already told bd about activities but they do not comply. Also in the order. I have to take him back for enforcement but once that is over they just go back to how it was.

Already talked until I am blue on the weight/health issue. So has therapist but it began immediately when Dd went for summer break. After court was finalized.

I will drag them through court for the next 8 yrs with no results because that is how they are. And the courts do nothing. Contempt is a ridiculous word. They don't do anything. Yes he lost visitation for a few years but he got it back and started this immediately. The courts just wanted us out of there and finalized.

I guess it's good I have an attorney and he is so invested in this, he has made it his mission to be there for me no charge. He had promised to represent me for ever regarding this issue with no more incurring charges. So I'm ready. As soon as we have enough. We are goig back.

    Bookmark   June 26, 2011 at 5:23PM
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well... the way I see it then... no contempt means no contempt.......for you either. Don't let her go. Just once... if they tell you they are taking you back then bring up all this and put your foot down. I know it may not be "right" but you may have to. A friend of mine did it and now the courts have sided with her and she has sole custody.

    Bookmark   June 26, 2011 at 5:43PM
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I wonder if you can prevent her from going based on danger to her health: she is not washed for a week, washes hair in chlorine with no shampoo, has lice and severe dandruff, phone taken away, lied to they don't know mom's phone number, cried for 2 days...Isn't it enough for keeping child at home?

    Bookmark   June 26, 2011 at 5:56PM
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Wonder if since it seems to go no where on violating court parenting plan if lawyer can instead gather enough to file criminal charges...against SM (verbal assult, child neglect, mental anguish, harassment of you via emails), he's a lawyer surely he can figure something that can stick and would take the case out of family court?

    Bookmark   June 26, 2011 at 6:38PM
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SMs an A$$ dad's a bigger A$$ with that being said.

Here's a "lice" story for ya!

DD is in Daycare they call me at work telling me I have to come get her immediately she is "infested with head lice" ... so I tell my boss have to go ... get to the daycare look to my left there she is devastated sitting in her little coat with the fur hood crying because she has "lice" ... I go over start looking through her head ... I see nothing not one nit anything ... but I do see "FLEAS" jumping from her fur hoody into her hair.

I said to the nurse and the teachers who were standing there looking down their noses at me ... "can't you tell the difference between head lice and fleas" She'll be back in tomorrow flea free!!! DD and I walk out giggling!! she runs in the house to tell her dad ... daddy daddy I have fleas!

family joke used to be ... she never had lice only fleas!

But when she was about 15 I took her in for a haircut and they wouldn't cut her hair because it had mold in it ... from tying it up all the time wet ... and it never drying completely that was gross we had to clean it with vinegar and bleach her hair ... that was a mess to clean up.

    Bookmark   June 26, 2011 at 7:26PM
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I don't think charges for neglect could be filed against SM, she is not obligated to take care of DD like washing and cleaning, dad does. but I totally agree with harassment and assaults, maybe something could be done. is there enough evidence?

i have hard time understanding why all of this takes place...i have no experience with this and it terrifies me that stuff like this goes unpunished? she isn't a parent.

this woman does and says offensive things to a child WHO IS NOT HERS and nothing happens? i keep hearing how moms are fighting for nice SMs stay away form their children but here nasty SM does whatever she wants? why is she even allowed to watch DD all summer.

    Bookmark   June 26, 2011 at 7:45PM
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Myfam......holy cow girl. Jeez.

We used to have issues with outside activities. We get SD every other weekend but BM signed her up for "Mommy and Me" Karate on Sunday mornings at 9am. Without asking us. And signed a year commitment. Ummmmmm??? lol She just wasted all her money for every other week.

So now in DH's court papers it says SD must be allowed to do at least 2 activities during the school year if she chooses. All activities must be discussed before being signed up and all parents involved must take her to such activities. If one parent cannot take her, he/she must let the other parent take her. And, can't believe we had to have this added in there but no one can sign her up for "gender specific" activities that exclude one parent or the other.


I feel so bad for your daughter. If they can violate court orders all day long and have no repercussions why can't you? What does your lawyer say about just not sending her over there?

    Bookmark   June 26, 2011 at 7:47PM
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I can't violate court orders. Then I am not a worthy source. If I am 'perfect' then I can stand 'clean' and point fingers.

I struggled with the decision all day but I decided to be the better person.
All of these things were going on before and she wasn't allowed near Dd by protective order. Then bd kept taking her over there and breaking the PO so the judge took his rights away, hince the supervised visits, all of the therapists, and a 4 year long modification case.
But she seemed to 'get it' when we were in therapy (kind of)
All of this was brought up and the therapists told her the damage she would cause. So she said it would stop. A year of therapy and I literally had nothing to stand on. Because the therapists said both Bd and Sm understand and have acknowledged this. All through the supervised visits with them two, DD and therapists they were on their very best behavior. As soon as we agreed to finalize and move forward, they changed. They have broken every single order that was put into place. In a two week period, every single paragraph has been violated.

There is nothing criminal that we can pursue. Since Dd is still in therapy we just have to wait until she tells her therapist and then I guess she can do something. Not sure what. Sm was arrested or child endangerment but they dropped the case because the evidence was not strong enough. Even with all the witness testimony.
The police officers that arrested her were completely confused and told me after much questioning, that woman is nuts. She screamed, kicked, and threw herself around all the way to the police station and she was 100% sober. She kept telling them that Dd was her daughter. That's my daughter that's my daughter!! When they questioned me I said she is MY daughter, I have custody, I gave birth to her, no other way to describe that she is my daughter. So they asked her, is she your stepdaughter? No she is my daughter.
Omg! They finally gave up and sent in a psychologist. Then she straightened up and acted completely sane. I thought maybe she was having a mental break down but nope, they said she was fine. Completely coherent.
They dropped charges and PO later on (several months) but family courts maintained no access no contact.

All I can do is use the legal system to help Dd. Now I feel like they failed her.

I really don't know what to do at this point.

    Bookmark   June 26, 2011 at 8:23PM
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You know the other day when we were discussing welfare and there was an application for Medicaid at the bottom? Well now its an ad for getting rid of lice..... how ironic. I think they're watching. Lol!

My friend was scared for her childrens safety. She kept them from their dad. He had contempt charges filed on her but they were dropped. Now she has sole custody and dad gets supervised visits. It worked for her. Also... sperm donor charged mom #2 with contempt for not letting him see the kids and it was also dropped..... he just ended up with a higher support payment. You should seriously think about not sending her back.

    Bookmark   June 26, 2011 at 8:29PM
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"no contempt means no contempt.......for you either. Don't let her go. Just once... if they tell you they are taking you back then bring up all this and put your foot down. I know it may not be "right" but you may have to."

I am beginning to think this may wind up being your only option. I am soooo soooo sorry, myfam. All of this stuff is just beyond sick. It really is. (((HUGS))) to you and DD.

I think I already asked this but what is the age in your state in which DD can say she does not want to go to her dad's anymore?

    Bookmark   June 26, 2011 at 10:05PM
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There is no age. At 12 they can ask for a GAL and talk to the judge and it can be taken in to consideration. By that age if I can't get her out the door, I can't get her out.
The only problem is he had access from school and he would just get her out of school on his days. I can't hide her or keep him from taking her.

Thanks ladies. It's been a rough night. I'm going to bed early.

    Bookmark   June 26, 2011 at 10:53PM
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Myfampg, I'm late here. I'm so sorry. This is just awful and it infuriates me that this just goes on, and on, and on.

Have you talked to the attorney? When can you file contempt charges? (I mean, I know that you can file them immediately but what does the attorney say?) I've got to hope that the judges will come down hard on them; I cannot imagine that they'll be impressed by the blatant violations on the very first visitation. (Judges don't seem to care much how badly behaved a (step) parent is until they feel like they have been disrespected!)

    Bookmark   June 27, 2011 at 9:52AM
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I also have the lice killer thing at the bottom of my screen. HA.

"Judges don't seem to care much how badly behaved a (step) parent is until they feel like they have been disrespected!"

I second Mattie's question....I think it's unbelievable how BD and SM have, right out of the starting gate, started violating court orders. They were on their best behavior during the restricted/supervised visitation and SM clearly played the therapist like a violin---and now that they're "on their own" they've just gone right back to the way they were.

I can't imagine the judge would be pleased!

Does DD want to go now? I mean, if she, at 10 yrs old, flat out refused to go....what could you do? KWIM?

    Bookmark   June 27, 2011 at 11:58AM
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I think the point is that DD does want to go...

I still hope you can collect more documentation and address their behavior in court again, refusal to let her call you and keeping her phone away. not washing is not as bad as this.

Is DD telling therapist about SM's comments in regards to losing weight and not letting her use the phone and stuff like that? she has to tell therapist

    Bookmark   June 27, 2011 at 12:16PM
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I hope Little MyFam has a goodtime and does ok these next three weeks.

Curious what Little MyFam's actual dr. says about her weight and children dieting ect. I'd be attempted to take DD in for a complete physical, blood work-up, the whole deal. Talk to him/her about the opinion coming from the opposite home, put it out on the table and get his/her's professional opinion. SM is not a dr and not a children's health specialist...her personal opinion and thoughts mean nothing.

Once the dr. does the check up and clears DD is healthy and just fine (or not) you'd have more room to put a stop to SM's crap. No children should be told they must lose 9 pounds and fear gaining an ounce especially without a drs opinion...obviously DD's well aware SM will be putting her on the scale as soon as she gets back. No child of this age should be put on a diet without the supervision, guidence and approval of their dr. MyFam has sole medical decisions...Sm has no rights nor is it necessary for Sm to control this issue.

Once you have a dr advise you then dr's recommendations and opinion should be the course to take. If it comes back she's fine, weight is normal, blah blah...I'd have lawyer send a letter to Dad of the fact (backed up with documentation) and inform them that they are not to persue the topic with daughter again. That DD's dr and you are quite capable of monitoring daughter's health and well being and if they continue to harp on this issue that it is unhealthy and detrimental to daughter.

What the heck is wrong with Dd's father that he would side with Sm over a professional dr, or force Sm'd eating disorder and obsession onto his daughter... but somehow I think he would. He allowed the early years punishments and I think he's willing to believe Sm knows best and better than a dr.

    Bookmark   June 27, 2011 at 1:34PM
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Hello -- we are going back to court. Got confirmation today.

The thing about BD is he is a follower. I couldn't get him to 'follow' me ever but he is known to be one. SM has put her eating disorder on him. He is 5'10ish and while married to him he was always about 200lbs. Healthy or not, that's just where he stayed. Now he is about 160 and looks sick! (although this is a healthy weight for him) Some people I know have run in to him and didn't recognize him.
He hangs his head like eyore and walks behind sm or she walks beside him holding his arm as if having to 'protect' him from horrible mean abusive myfam.

So it doesn't really surprise me he doesn't see it. Dd tells me that she hasn't talked to, heard from or seen her grandparents at all so I'm curious if they finally figured it out. They were right in the front row in the beginning of this starting with the divorce and then slowly backed off. Then they never sent anything to my house for Dd, started sending things again and now have stopped all together. I sure wish I knew cause I'm nosey like that lol

    Bookmark   June 27, 2011 at 2:56PM
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I know it's hard MyFam, but I think you're doing exactly the right ting by listening to your lawyer. So far, the legal system has been reasonably good to you, so it sounds like he/she is doing an excellent job. Don't risk sabotaging that by violating the judge's orders yourself.

I'd agree that getting your DD to talk to the therapists would be important. Now you don't want to push your DD -- and perhaps you don't even want to discuss the subject with her -- but there may be a way to get the therapists to ask DD about it. Again, I'd ask your lawyer for advice and follow it.

Sounds like it may also be time soon to have a concerned and honest talk with DD about how neurotic and misguided some people can be about certain subjects -- like SM about diet and thinness. DD needs to be able to judge for herself what her body looks like and whether or not she's healthy, and protect her own self-image against SM's poisoning. I like the suggestion to bring her to her regular doctor and ask him/her about healthy weight ranges for your DD's age, height and body type. Let her doctor tell DD what a healthy weight range is...

Hang in there MyFam, and keep up the calming self-talks and sanity tactics.
I have a feeling this will end well for you and DD...

    Bookmark   June 27, 2011 at 3:27PM
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good luck!!! i am glad you are going back to court, and yes you are being smart by following orders and sending DD to dad as per order, let them hang themselves.

and how telling that his parents are not around DD at all, wow, they must be messed up too, big time!

wow, so he is really obedient with her, she is older right? perhaps he is happy with a woman like that who bosses him aorund, some sick people love this kind of stuff...

keep us posted, keep collecting information, all emails, make some phone calls to dad maybe and politely leave a message for DD to call you back and then document that she didn't call. and hopefully DD says things to her therapist. Fingers crossed...

    Bookmark   June 27, 2011 at 4:13PM
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Is the new court date based on them being in contempt of court?

    Bookmark   June 27, 2011 at 5:11PM
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