What do you do when you can't bare to be around your Step Son

Holly14June 19, 2011

Okay I know it is terrible for me to say, but I really do not like my step son. I have been married for 5 years to an amazing husband. We have a beautiful son together and he is an outstanding father. He has 2 children from his previous marriage and split custody. His, now 21 year old, was kicked out of our home for assaulting me and I have been seeing his, now 17 year old, turning out like his brother. He is disrespectful, selfish, rude, belligerent, and at times is mean to my pre-schooler.

The majority of his behavior is caused because both my husband and his ex-wife have always treated their children like friends and not had boundaries for them. They are allowed to do whatever, whenever and there are no consequences. I have talked to my husband about this because things have just gotten WAY out of control to the point, I don't want the kid in my home. My husband has been out of the country on business for the past month and a half and I have LOVED the fact that I have not had to deal with his son. He is constantly breaking rules intentionally, cusses at both of us and is only nice when he wants something. It is literally like the child is in charge. I stay in my room when he is at our house or find reasons to leave. Dinner time comes and I find an excuse not to come to the table. I have stopped doing anything for the boy because he has used me and my husband countless times and I just don't know what to do. I don't want to have to kick another one out, but when you have a 17 year old telling his Dad, "Your nothing but a liar and I don't need this s&*t from you." and cussing me up one side and down the other...How much more do you take? After he explodes and has calmed down he expects everyone should get over it because he has, he never apologizes and thinks if I am nice to you then you should just overlook my behavior. In fact he has told his Dad he will not apologize for his behavior and we need to "deal with it." I am dreading my husband coming home next week because I know that I will have to deal with this kid 4 out of 7 days a week until my husband leaves again for business. I want to spend time with my husband, but I just can not be around his son. There is so much more I could tell you all, but I can't type fast enough! :-( I don't want my little one to see this is how you treat people, and it's okay to talk to your Mom and Dad like that. Any suggestions?

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--"Your nothing but a liar and I don't need this s&*t from you." --

Over what and why does SS believe his father is a liar over? Has Dad done something to cause the teen to lose all respect for him? Anything to make teen feel he can't believe or trust anything Dad says/does? Except for you indicate in yor posting that the sons behavior is a direct result of his father and mother you didn't give much backstory.

Don't get me wrong. There is no excuse for being mean to a small child or for assulting anyone, but how'd you all get from point A to point B?

    Bookmark   June 19, 2011 at 3:55AM
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His behavior is outrageous and unacceptable, but same as justmetoo I wonder what happened. Even in the most angry teenage angst DD did not say I am a liar because she wouldn't be able to think of one example when I lied to her. Did dad try to investigate why would his son say such things? Is mom feeding him stories or something? I don't have any advice until I understand what's going on.

    Bookmark   June 19, 2011 at 7:13AM
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@ justmetoo----His now 21 year old son assaulted me, not the one that lives with us now.

His mother does feed him stories and has for years let them in on the finances and done everything in her power to cause trouble and discontent.

To be honest, in my opinion, this all went off the rails with this particular child when WE bought him a car. After my husband and I did this he kept the ca for about 2 months and decided that he didn't want it anymore. I had a truck that we were not using so SS came to me and said he wanted to buy it because, a. he wanted a truck, b. it would teach him what it was like to have financial responsibility. I should have seen through that right there, because I don't know many kids that would say that. I was honestly against it because I saw nothing but trouble, but after all the hounding I got from my husband and SS, I gave in just to shut them up. I stipulated that there would be rules, the vehicle would not be his until he paid it in full, it could not be driven out of the local area further than 50 miles, and since it was in my name and under my insurance he was not to haul all his friends around and he had to let us know where he was going. Keep in mind at the time he was 16, so I don't think I was being to unreasonable. That was fine for about 2 months and suddenly he stopped paying (payments were $50/month), breaking curfew, rude, sassy, etc. He wants to put the vehicle under his mothers insurance, because she doesn't have to know where he goes. Then he decides he doesn't want this vehicle and he wants to sell it and buy something else. Now I have no way of knowing what my husband and his son discussed or concocted, and they are famous for making little deals and leaving me out of the loop. (That's another issue) So, I agreed to allow him to sell it with the stipulation that he only keep what was leftover from what he owed us because I just wanted to be rid of the situation.. Well you would have thought I was asking for his first born, because suddenly he doesn't understand why he has to pay for something that had been given to me in the first place and why did I not just give him the vehicle. So he sells it and when my husband does not turn over the full amount to him, he says, "Mom told me you would not give me what you owed me!" HAHA BINGO! So I told my husband, BM is obviously planting seeds in his head, which you can't reason with this woman she is a nut job, we have tried.
He gets a new car with his mother and adds it to his insurance and in even more attitude, he came over one night to fight with my husband about this entire transaction. Do I know if my husband has lied to him? No, I do not, however that is no excuse to talk to your father that way. In my opinion, bottom line SS is mad because he did not get what he wanted from us. This is the same child that asked his Dad to change the custody agreement so that he could stay with us more because he did not like living at his mothers house because everyone fights there all the time, per him. My husband even gave him $400 to register his new car that he got with his BM with the understanding that he would pay it back because he is working. This was 6 months ago and the boy has yet to make any attempt to give us anything, in fact he told his Dad in the past few weeks, "I don't have any F*&^ing money, so why would I give you any? I'm not paying you back." NICE! My husband left his son OVER $300 for lunch, food, etc whilst he has been away, gives him money to eat when the SS is at work, school, to go out with his friends....but the boy has a job, he is already in college. I feel that we have done so much for him and all he does in expect more and disrespect more. He will walk right past me in my home and look right through me and not say a word. I feel that I have done more for him in the 5 years I have been married than his own mother does for him. Its just a mess and it makes me very sad because it was NOT always like this. We used to do things as a family, have dinner together, go on trips and now I can't stand the sight of him.

    Bookmark   June 19, 2011 at 6:35PM
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I think you may have more problems than a mouthy rude bratty 17 year old.

So, kid is on third vehicle in a year? Got tired of one so Dad/kid pressured you into giving kid yours. Didn't like your rules and got tired of car #2 so next Dad loans him money (after kid already proved irresponsibility on the truck payments) to set him up in vehicle #3 that BM buys. Kid prefers car #3 because it comes with no rules and probably no expectation of having to 'pay back' BM.

Dad sounds to be at fault for some of the issues here. While I totally understand the frustration and disgust on the obnoxious teen, I think Dad is playing a part in the troubles. Leaves you out of the 'loop' so you basically are guessing on what's going on between father and son...in that situation it leaves you wide open to be the evil stepmom. SS likely sees you as the obstacle standing in the way of totally and completely running over his parents and getting everything he wants exactly how he wants it... if it weren't for busybody SM kid would have it made. You're attempting to cramp his style. No wonder he snubs you in your home as if you don't exist...you're the enemy in his mind.

Speaking of which, what does Dad do/say about the kid's behavior in your home and the way kid treats you? Dad seems to not mind being treated like crap himself, so I suppose Dad does nothing about the treatment kid dishes out to you.

So, if the cars kicked off the trouble with kid #2, may I ask what kicked off the assult on you and the tossing from home with kid#1? Does Dad still see son #1?

    Bookmark   June 19, 2011 at 11:27PM
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@ Justmetoo----I agree with you completely and it just helps to have the validation. Dad really does not do much of anything regarding his behavior and it is a constant argument between the two of us. He "talks to him" about his mouth, which consists of, "I don't like that or I don't agree with the way you are talking." I taught my now 5 year old to tell the kids he plays with, "I don't like that", when took take away his toys at like age 2. And I flat old told my husband, if your self worth is that low that you think it's okay for anyone to treat you like this, you need a counsellor or psychiatrist. Dad says, he is just being a teenager I have to remember he is a child and I need to be the bigger person. Or he says nothing at all, he is quite happy (so it seems to me) if there is a cold war in his own home. I have even asked him, if it is uncomfortable to him the way the atmosphere is when his son is here.

Dad does not see son#1, he lives out of state and refused to talk to his Dad after the assault happened. Son #1 was horrible to me from the start. He was VERY confrontational, would get up in your face, he even has a history of hitting his own mother. He waited until his Dad was deployed to break into our home and hit me. Basically, Son #1 calls when he wants something. Which my husband has gotten much better about not opening his wallet when he calls. He is not my husband's biological child, but he did raise him. BM is not the best example to her children, all 3 of her children have different fathers. She currently lives with baby Daddy #3 and has told her children she will not marry him, because it's to hard to leave when you are finished with the relationship. I am dreading my husband coming home tomorrow, because I know that his son will be making an appearance at some point in the next few days. I have seriously considered going to my doctor for a Valium prescription JUST to make the situation more tolerable, how terrible is that! And what is so devastating is it was not always like this with Son #2. I genuinely have always had his best interest at heart. I have kept him from hurting himself when he has had seizures, due to his diabetes. He has peed all over me and my floor when these things have happened and I never once thought not my kid, not my problem. His mother does not deal with these things, WE do! Her response has always been,"It's too stressful." But now that BM provides you a situation that has NO RULES, it's better at her house. Which I understand, if I was his age and had a choice I would probably take the door with no rules. But the entire situation is De Je Vu all over again. Urggghhh!

    Bookmark   June 20, 2011 at 12:22AM
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So I went to my doctor today, to see about help for this situation. I woke up in an extremely BAD mood because my husband is coming home tonight, which means I will be seeing his son too. He gave me some Klonipin for anxiety after I told him what has been going down. I know some sort of counselling would benefit all parties involved, but I am sure that SS would not be party to this. Hopefully the Klonopin does the trick!

    Bookmark   June 20, 2011 at 4:44PM
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what a nightmare, you are forced to be on meds to keep with these crazy young men and your DH enabling them? do you have kids with DH? not to encourage divorce, but i am wondering what keeps you in this chaos?

    Bookmark   June 20, 2011 at 7:48PM
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@ parent_of_one----as of now this is the only way that I can cope with the situation, barring just walking out. I do have a 5 year old son with DH and leaving is my last resort. I love my husband and I don't want my son to come from a broken home. The light I see at the end of my tunnel is SS will be 18 in 10 months. I have already made it clear when this happens he will have to find else where to live, unless things change drastically for the better.

    Bookmark   June 20, 2011 at 9:21PM
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Thanks for clarification, I thought you don't have kids together then I think I'd rather leave then went on anti-anxiety meds. But if you have a young child, it is not as easy. I hope SS either gets better or gets out on his own. I would encourage dad having relationship with his kids no matter how messed up they are, but you and your little one don't have to put up with this.

    Bookmark   June 20, 2011 at 10:10PM
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