SO's DDs don't get along -it is draining

finedreamsJune 12, 2009

I don't know how to handle it. i am emotionally exausted.

here is the issue.

SO's DDs do not get along wiht each other. By that i mean they either sulking not talking to each other or openly argue or make cynical sarcastic comments to each other, like nonstop. Petty stuff like critisizing each other clothes or more serious stuff.

DD27 visited for the weekend last week (pick up wedding dress) and DD20 also came from college (she stays there over summer working and going to school) I guess because dad told her to come. the entire time they alternated between sulking not talking arguing over petty stuff. Like sitting at a dinner table and not talking or start arguing, or making annoying commenst to each other. They act like they hate each other's guts.

More so they speak poorly of each other to me. Like complain and complain and who am I to listen? They also complain about their mom to me. They also complain about their dad to me.

From the day one when they met me they started complain to me about each other, their mom (DD27 makes very bad comments, don't even want to go into that), mom's BF, their gradnparents (on mom's side). i find it beyond inappropriate and constantly change subjects (am I right that it is inappropriate?).

SO always wants me around when they visit. More so they also want me around 24/7 when they visit (to listen to their complaints?). so i have hard time doing my own stuff because they get offended.

I only have one DD and do not have expereince wiht sibling problems. me and my brother fought as children but as adults we always got along. i have no exprerience dealing wiht this. and DD does not complain about dad or other relatives to outsiders. (if she would i would tell her to stop, SO doesn't tell them to stop)

By the end of the weekend I was emotionally exausted and and tired and was happy for them to leave (I know it sounds bad).

i grew up wiht a difficult father (he mellowed with age) who had a tendency to periodaclly not talking to people, get grumpy or argue at a dinner table. I don't do well wiht this as an adult. i feel like a child when people do it in front of me. I cannot do this.

I am trying my best to constantly navigate between them two and apeace them and change subjects and I am doing OK but it wears me out.

SO knows they don't get along but why do i have to put up wiht it? Why do they talk poorly of their mother to ME,of all people ME, dad's GF? why don't they pretend and put apperances in front of me? i had to give DD27 a ride and she talked about her younger sister how immature she is and how she is this and that for 30 minutes. I would not talk like this about my brother to a stranger!!! I would talk to my best friend if I must, but probably not even that!

It's been on my mind since last weekend. i don't want to go into details what excatly they say or do, but it is draining. I feel like there is a heavy cloud on my chest because of this. Like I am surrounded by difficult people that i have to apease and keep happy. It feels fake and unnatural to me.

I don't think there is anything to advice, but anyone has SKs that don't get along? also DD27 doesn't get along wiht mom (complains to me about mom) but DD20 doesn't get along wiht dad (so she constantly complains to me about dad).

I am in the middle of this. It seriously got to me last weekend, i couldn't sleep and saw bad dreams, I felt like my emotional energy was sucked out of me. do I have to put up with this? or disengage, but how?

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liesbeth

Wow, imagine they were a bit younger and you'd have them EOW... then you'd actually have a reason to be on this board...

    Bookmark   June 12, 2009 at 2:25AM
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liesbeth

Jeez, Liesbeth's got an edge today, pfff.. what's her problem?

    Bookmark   June 12, 2009 at 2:31AM
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ceph

No, it's weird. At 20 and 27, they won't get along perfectly all the time, and may need a vent once in a while... But to be constantly complaining to you about each other/their mom/their dad is strange.
Just keep changing the subject, I guess.

    Bookmark   June 12, 2009 at 9:29AM
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sweeby

Wonder if they might get the message if you vented to one of them about a "friend of yours" who constantly gripes about her boyfriend. How your friend's constant griping gets on your nerves and makes you wonder if it's really her that's difficult - or whatever. Whatever your problems are with her, pin them on your imaginary friend and let her draw her own conclusions.

Most people aren't so astute that they'll immediately grasp that it's them you're talking about -- but if she does, you can backpeddle a bit with "Oh, I imagine ALL brothers and sisters gripe about each other once in a while" or something.

Then change the subject again --

    Bookmark   June 12, 2009 at 10:26AM
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finedreams

oh great idea sweeby, I have been changing a subject but never thought of giving them a hint about someone else complaining all the time. ha I would have a problem though keeping straight face hahah.

Yeah ceph I think eventually they will get it. exactly, once in a while is OK, but that often espcially complaining about their mom and dad, they seem to old for that. LOL

    Bookmark   June 12, 2009 at 3:01PM
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lovehadley

Hmm, seems weird to me at 20 and 27 that they would not get along. That seems like a big enough age gap to not have any sibling issues. I could be wrong, but I always thought the larger the age gap, the better kids get along---just because they are usually in different places in their lives, and have less competition.

I think it's weird they complain and talk badly about people behind their backs to you--they sound kind of petty and maybe a little gossipy.

I would just try to change the subject everytime and hope they get the hint.

    Bookmark   June 12, 2009 at 10:29PM
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