Grrr! Best man and groomsman back out at last minute

SnapdragonApril 27, 2004

I'm really unhappy about this and mostly because it hurts my fiance. His 'best friend' and another 'really good friend' live in another state (where my fiance lived up til two years ago when he moved out to be with me) and they agreed almost a year ago to be best man and groomsman in our wedding.

We made sure to keep in touch and we sent out the invitations (which included hotels and costs for the area) two months ago. Our wedding is in three weeks and as of 2 weeks ago neither had sent back their rsvp with meal choices so my my fiance called and talked to them several times. He found out then that they hadn't made air or hotel reservations either so my fiance was reminding them by phone and email to get on the ball and do that. He also called them several times about getting measured for tuxes.

Just this past Friday we told them by phone that the deadline for our block of hotel rooms was that day and were told by the 'best friend' that he would make reservations that night and the other buddy (who is a travel agent) was supposedly booking tickets at that time. They said they'd get measured for the tuxes too.

Well, 2 days later (on Sunday) my fiance calls his friends to confirm their arrival times and see what hotel they are going to be in so we can arrange transportation for them to the rehearsal. That's when we got hit with the info that one wasn't coming because he couldn't afford it and the other backed out because he had planned to share hotel costs with the first one. We were pretty blown away by the news, but I have to admit, I've wondered all along how serious they were, especially when they wouldn't even choose an entree (when I needed to do a preliminary count for the caterer).

My fiance was really hurt- these guys were his best friends for years and he honestly didn't see it coming. :( I'm really angry because they obviously knew they weren't coming and didn't bother to tell us, WE had to call them! And now the 'best friend' isn't even answering his phone. He lamely said he'd been looking for hotels that were cheaper so he could come but when we tried to call him back to offer to find one for him (since we're local and know more places than we sent in the invitations) he wasn't picking up the phone. GRRR!

Needless to say I did some serious damage control right away and we have a friend (husband of one of my bm's and brother of my MOH, so I have known him for ages) who was going to help by doing the video for us and will now be a groomsman. He's even going to come down here to be measured (a 3 hr trip) AND pay extra for his tux because he'll be needing to make it a rush order! Now that's friendship!

I suggested to my fiance that he ask his dad to stand up for him as best man and his dad agreed and was quite honored! So in the long run, I think this will be much better- my fiance is very pleased about having his dad there for him. But it hurts, no doubt about it, to have friends you trust and believed in, not take something like your wedding seriously.

I suspect it was on purpose, mainly as the 'best friend' didn't want him to move and they fought about it but made up just before my fiance left the state. This guy is just plain high maintenance as a friend and he has a wife and three kids but didn't want his supposed best buddy to have a chance at marriage and happiness? geez! I kept quiet all along because they ARE/were my fiance's friends and it wasn't my place to trash talk them but I seriously wonder if this isn't their way of protesting his leaving? Or, as my MOH suggests, maybe they are just so irresponsible and immature that they didn't think it through or plan to save for coming out here when they accepted positions in the wedding party. I really don't know, but I thank God for my sweetie's dad and our friend stepping in to help out! Guess family and good friends do shine forth in need!

Of course we're going to have 7 instead of 8 at the head table now, since we want my fiance's dad to sit at the parent's table with his wife. But I got the florist straight on who's coming and who isn't and we think we've covered it all.

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I know where you are coming from!! I don't understand what people think when they tell you they will be in your wedding.

My fiance's BROTHER was supposed to be a groomsman and had said yes a year and a half ago. Not too long ago, my fiance called him (as he does all of the time) just to tell him where to go and get fitted. It wasn't until the VERY END of the conversation that the BROTHER said he wasn't going to "be able to fully focus on the wedding" and that he wouldn't be in the wedding. He said that he just couldn't give it his all---WHAT WOULD HE HAVE TO GIVE??!!?? We were both VERY upset especially because this is my fiance's older and ONLY REAL BROTHER!! He had known about it for a year and a half and couldn't have told us sooner??!!?? Luckily, a brother-in-law said he would stand in his place instead of being an usher.

So we were then down to 3 ushers--my cousin and my fiance's 2 step-brothers. Then we got the news that the two step-brothers decided that they didn't want to come in for the wedding either!!! I couldn't believe it!!

My fiance was really hurt when he found out that the only guys in HIS family didn't want to come in for his wedding because he has always been there for them!! But now that we have had to deal with it, we have come to realize that not everyone is like us and that the wedding will go on and most likely be even better without them there--if this was how they were going to act anyways.

Know that you aren't the only one out there that knows CRAPPY people!!

Goodluck!! Springbride04

    Bookmark   April 27, 2004 at 9:15PM
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Yep, crappy gals know about my bm who is not responding, its not like she's a MOH or anything, but it still hurts, she cried when i asked her to be in the wedding, and she couldn't stop talking about it, and now....nothing. I've called and called, and sent emails and letters, and nothing. This is not the first time that she has not responded but the dress ordering deadline is approaching and as much as i don't want to drop her, it looks like that may have to be the sucks, you hope that ppl want to share the joy wiht you and then there are thise who decide that its not important to them..i hate that.

    Bookmark   April 28, 2004 at 2:02AM
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Springbride and froggy, I think you hit the nail on the head...the toughest thing for my fiance is knowing that someone he's always been there for (introduced the guy to his wife, went to parties for their kids, was over anytime they needed help or just to be supportive, etc) doesn't have the same response when it comes to my fiance and a really big thing happening in his life.

Now the only people from my fiance's invitation list that are coming are his parents...that's the part that is hard for him, but he's coping. We knew that it was a long way for them all to travel and that many wouldn't be able to make it. That's why we told them a year ago when the date was and sent out the invitations early. And it's why my fiance was so thrilled his two buddies said yes they'd attend and be in the wedding! If they'd been 'iffy' about it or said they'd have to see, he wouldn't have counted so much on having them here. But they were very positive and very definite that they'd come when they were asked and for several months afterwards!

And the only thing that got me wondering at all was the lack of reply cards and they didnt' make reservations or go get measured etc when DF told them where to go. I'm just glad that DF and I kept calling them to find out what was going on, because I hate to say it, but I think they'd have waited til the last minute, quite literally, to tell us they weren't coming. :(

    Bookmark   April 28, 2004 at 8:40AM
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Sorry to hear of these awful letdowns. But every disappointment has a brighter side and at least you found out "who your friends are", which is always good, if painful, to know.

I think these situations also point up how we should always look at what people "do" versus what they "say" - a sure way to see what is true and what is false. From candidates for president to wedding party members, look at their actions, not their words and you will have a clearer shot at the truth.

    Bookmark   April 28, 2004 at 1:41PM
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Very true, Scarlett! If we'd stopped to really question why his buddies weren't responding and why my fiance was always having to call and not getting answers or only vague ones, we'd have been less surprised. I can certainly understand a lack of funds, but those two never mentioned it until just now! I've got good friends who told me they were having financial difficulties and couldn't make the trip (out of state) even before I sent the invitations, so it's not impossible to be thoughtful even in those circumstances!

Other friends in the wedding party made their reservations and sent their reply cards right away. Heck, even some guests are going out of their way to be here and to let us know they were happy to be coming, so I guess we should have seen the signs earlier with those two. I don't really know, but I'm guessing they never took the wedding and their part in it very seriously and just never bothered to do what was necessary to be able to come. Oh well, live and learn...and my poor fiance learned a lesson, that's for sure!

    Bookmark   April 28, 2004 at 2:54PM
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I feel for you both, I mean it sucks, you invite the special people and then it turns out they are not so special after all, infact they are a big dissapointment. I'm sure your fiance's dad will make a great best man, at least there will be someone to stand at the altar with him...
My only question to the people who do theses things, is why not tell us early when we can literally do something about it and not have stress and dissapointment, i sucks thats all.

    Bookmark   April 28, 2004 at 11:05PM
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DF is still very unhappy about it. Mostly because he feels his 'friends' should have told him sooner and on their own, without him having to keep asking about their plans. I think we did ok, bringing his dad on as Best man and I'm very glad we did, but you're right, froggy, it would be nice if people were more considerate!

    Bookmark   April 29, 2004 at 9:54AM
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We are in the same situation. The wedding is in my hometown which is about 10 from where most of my fiance's family is. They have known about the wedding for ALONG time!! We blocked off 10 hotel rooms 4 months ago and there are only 3 of them taken---the MOG, SOG, and the BMan. We have to cancel the rooms by this weekend. There is a HUGE concert the same weekend as our wedding (we live in a small town so there are only like 3 hotels). If they haven't gotten a room thru us, they will have to stay an hour and a half from the wedding. It has really hurt my fiance as well. People don't think about all of the planning that has to go into a wedding where one of the families isn't from. Not to mention the food for the reception and everything else. When DF's sister got married they had 30 people RSVP and not show up--they had a full sit down catered $30/person meal!! That's alot of $$ to be out!! We aren't having that kind of meal but STILL it all adds up!! But I'm in the same boat you are in. Goodluck!! Springbride04

    Bookmark   April 29, 2004 at 11:39AM
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Ouch, Springbride that's awful (your DF's sister's no-shows)! Ours is $55/person plus the tax and gratuities but we had to guarantee a certain minimum so we'll be ok unless large numbers do what they did to that poor woman and her husband!

In our case, we knew that all or most of his family wouldn't make it (we're on the east coast and they are all on the west coast) so it is sad for my DF but he was expecting it for the majority of them...just not for the two who bailed out this weekend.

It's so hard having family far away, I agree! I hope your guests find rooms!

    Bookmark   April 29, 2004 at 1:38PM
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holy cow! ours is only $21 /person and is a gourmet dinner too! where did you gals find the caterer? WOW

    Bookmark   April 30, 2004 at 1:25AM
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When I married my ex 11 years ago (very small wedding), I asked an old friend to be my MOH. Since she was going through rough financial times I got 2 dresses from my sister who is the same size. This "friend" couldn't even try them on. It got to the point where I wanted help picking out flowers. She always had an excuse & when I asked a few weeks before the wedding if she tried the dresses on, she said no, I decided to give the position to another friend who was helping me with flowers etc. Friend #1 stopped speaking to me for years but finally came around telling me she was so strung up on drugs she couldn't focus on anything else.

When I got married almost 3 years ago, she expected to stand in that MOH spot. I decided that I didn't want a repeat (she lives about an hour from me- giving her another excuse) so we went to FL to be married. We invited 1 family member, hubby's grown son as well as his wife. Hubby paid for their plane tickets & was going to pay for their room. They got into a fight about who's car to take to the airport. She won, they took the old car which broke down. After us arranging them to get on the next flight, they fought so much that hubby told them not to come. She was afraid to get on a plane after 911. Hubby ended up fixing their plane tickets so that they could use them for something else, but they never did. It hurt not having his son there especially since he was the only family member invited. Thankfully we had internet friends coming that stood up for us.

Good luck with both of your weddings. Thankfully you had enough time to make other arrangements. I don't know what is wrong with people these days, some are so hung up on themselves they just don't care about anyone else. Weddings are stressful enough, you don't need this on top of everything else.

    Bookmark   April 30, 2004 at 6:59AM
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Thanks! I'm glad you had your friends show up for yours! I guess we all have a story or two about our weddings! I'm finding it informative and fascinating!


We're having our reception at a major hotel and our price was based on the cost of the most expensive main dish we chose which is prime rib. We could have had it cost about $40/person if we had only gone with the chicken and fish options. The total package also includes our room for the night, open bar the first hour and champagne toasts along with a full 4 course meal that includes wine service and full table service.

My DF and I looked into separate halls and caterers and even though it looked less expensive at first glance, we quickly saw it was going to cost nearly as much and we would need to coordinate things ourselves or find someone to do it. This way, the hotel staff does everything and we can breathe a little easier. If it weren't for my parents offering to pay for the reception as part of their gift to us, I think we'd be doing a much simpler reception by far!

    Bookmark   April 30, 2004 at 10:32AM
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