The new approach

liesbethMay 1, 2009

FDH suggested to go to a footie game with the skids. Skids excited. Skids go back to BM. Next time skids tell us that BM was very angry about the footie game. BM has been meaning to take them for years so she should be the one taking them!!....

We say: Why does BM get so angry? There is no need. She can take you if she wants that is fine.

SD12's birthday coming up. FDH suggested it might be nice to go bowling. Skids excited. Skids go back to BM. Next time skids tell us that BM was very angry about the bowling. BM has been planning to take them bowling herself and we are just trying to copy her!!

We say; No need to get angry. If you'd rather go bowling with BM that's fine, no probs.

We bought a plasma tv. Skids very excited. Skids go back to BM. Next time skids tell us that BM is very angry about the plasma. FDH doesn't pay her enough for looking after the skids and he spends it all on himself and me.

We think: Now she'll need to go and get a plasma as well.. bigger and better, of course. Hahahahahahaha

Sometimes it's better to just be grateful that we don't have all that anger bottled up inside us, and giving is better than taking. And will BM go bowling and to the footie game? That is where she comes unstuck eventually. We just have to sit back and take a deep breath.

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stargazzer

I don't understand how anyone can be that petty. They must be a little mentally disturbed.

    Bookmark   May 1, 2009 at 11:30PM
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imamommy

So, are you going to let BM's anger stop or derail your plans with the kids? As long as it works for her to get angry and stop you from your plans, she will get angry ANY time you want to do something.

DH & I got season passes to Six Flags. We took SD to discovery Kingdom last weekend. SD was SOOOO excited because she had never been there before. She told BM and her sister. Her sister actually tried to convince her that she had been there before. We were in the car and SD wanted to call her sister and said, "no I haven't."... "oh, I did?" and when she got off the phone, she said started telling us all the stuff she did the last time she was there. It's some sort of demented mentality where someone is SO insecure that they have to be the FIRST to do something.

I don't mean to offend anyone, but when my kids were little.. all their 'firsts' were a big deal to me. I worked and was always worried I would miss a 'first' and really, it was a silly thing to worry about. Of course, my answer was to tell my babysitter that I didn't want to be told about any of my kids' firsts. I wanted to experience it for the first time when I was home... and I didn't want to know it was the fifth time he said mama, to me it was his first time. So, I can understand wanting to experience those firsts.... but when you are in a two household situation, there is no way to avoid missing something when your kids are with the other parent, especially when the kid is running between homes playing it.

I'd be tempted to tell the kids... sorry, we can't plan anything because you run to tell your mom and she gets angry.. and if they are over 6-7, they know it makes her angry. But, then I'd also be tempted to tell BM... sorry, we have plans and we aren't canceling them. If you have been planning to do this with them, go ahead. They are entitled to have fun at both homes.

    Bookmark   May 2, 2009 at 12:00AM
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dotz_gw

Liesbeth, Dont tell the kids in advance where you re going...Just hop in the car on Friday or Saturday and say we have a surprise!! We re going to football, bowling, whatever..They can tell BM when they get home what they did, and when she says I wanted to do that, it will occur to them, then WHY didnt you......

    Bookmark   May 2, 2009 at 11:13AM
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sweeby

I certainly agree that BM is being petty --
but if I'm being completely honest, I can understand where she's coming from.

When older DS was little, we lived in a different city from Ex, and I had him all during the school week and Dad had him for the weekends. Pre-divorce, Dad was never involved -- he simply didn't know what to do with a baby or toddler. So post-divorce, he scrambled to find activities to completely fill the days: zoo, toy store, Six Flags, Astroworld, toy store, baseball, football, basketball games, toy store, restaurants, park, toy store... You get the picture.

So Mom was all "bedtime" and "Eat your vegetables" and Dad was all "Want to go to the toy store?"
It can makes you feel petty...

Just make sure Dad is not ALL Disneyland and hot dogs and ignore her petty outbursts. I also agree with the advice about not tipping off the kids in advance so BM doesn't cancel things.

    Bookmark   May 2, 2009 at 6:30PM
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mom2emall

I do agree with Sweeby that sometimes being the custodial parent can be difficult if the other parent is ALWAYS (not saying you are) the one taking the kids to do fun things. Even my son tells me how much more fun dads house is. I know it is because there is no responsibility there...no homework or bedtimes or school.

But bm does sound kind of petty for making comments about everything you do/buy.

Just take the kids places and enjoy it. Don't let bm guilt you into not doing things with the kids.

    Bookmark   May 2, 2009 at 9:03PM
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liesbeth

FDh is not the Disneyland/Mc Donalds parent, BM is! And that is the strange thing really. She's got the kids 10 days and we 4, yet she's the Disney-parent. She's always 'bought' the kids. And the fact that she feels she needs to do that just goes to show how insecure she is. These kids love her and always will love her. Instead of 'buying them' she'd be better off cooking a meal or playing a board game on Saturday night, but anyway..

Ima, I think that in a way we now let BM interfere with our plans, you are right. BM is always angry, no matter what, so if it's not about us planning something, it's something else, but always something (again, that's the personality disorder rearing it's ugly head). But even though it might interfere with our plans, the kids don't feel torn as it is right now. As long as they still want to please their mum and go with her we think this is better.

Remember before when we did try to stick to the rules, do our own thing on our own days, the skids bought into BM's crap about how we forced them to come to our place and keep them away from her when she needs them. They were not happy skids. Now at least they don't have to stress out over that.

It's good advise to not tell the kids about certain activities in advance. Less stressfull for them if they don't have to see BM get all worked up over it.

And usually we are regarded as the 'boring' couple who never go anywhere. And also then BM gets angry!! We don't want to spend any money when the skids are with us do we??And she'll ring or text them and tell them about all the fun stuff they are missing..

BM will be angry no matter what..

    Bookmark   May 3, 2009 at 3:47AM
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organic_maria

wow..sounds liek our bm...she has them 12 days and us 2......so..yeha the advice people gave u is a good one. i did the same thing, i would never tell the kids what we were up to after bm wold always sabatage it...this is in their younger years. now they are older...and they themselves will sabatage it for their mom...so i'm not saying any activities now for the summer.....
bm will get angry regardless...she feels she is in competition with you...she must have a low self esteem of herself forthat...too bad...
yah, we do not carry cell phones on purpose so bm doesn't call or use any excuse saying she's worried about ehr babies. I refuse to open that door for her to use.

    Bookmark   May 4, 2009 at 6:53AM
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