return of little mommy

thurmanMay 12, 2013

Ok-- my son is having some issues.

But now my wife's daughter wants to insert herself. My wife shares too much about my son's life with her. Empowers her to get's almost spousal in nature. Then I find out my son is sharing things that are very personal in nature with her. Then to top it off, I find out she might be coming home soon. Like she is going to be able to help the situation. I'm ready to vomit. Little Mommy has no place here.


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Well if your son is sharing these private things with SD there's not a whole lot you can say about it is there?

    Bookmark   May 12, 2013 at 11:55PM
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Maybe I just don't know the back story, but I find it odd that you are so against your son sharing his feelings with someone aside from yourself. Shouldn't you be happy that he has someone he feels like he can reach out to? Shouldn't you be happy that he feels close enough to share it with a step-sibling at that? Again, maybe I just don't know the back story, but I really feel that you should take a step back and be thankful that your son is getting his feelings out instead of letting them fester within himself. If you are so concerned about the fact that you aren't the one he is coming to, then maybe you should try to spend a little extra one-on-one time with him. I think it would be a mistake to make him feel guilty or ashamed that he is talking to her.

    Bookmark   May 13, 2013 at 10:57AM
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Thurman, that's what siblings, worry, reach out and support each other. They've been doing it for years, and will still be doing it long after you're gone.

If your son 'has some issues' and chooses to confide in his sister, you're just going to have to buck it up and realize that this is a young man you're talking about. Not a personal robot you can control. Not a child you can send to his room, ground for a week or forbid to handle his own adult affairs.

Yeah, you don't want SD rushing home. You don't want your son leaning on SD and sharing ....but look on the bright side...son could be traveling to 'sis' on his own, leaving you at home to pout and fret about what's going on miles away.

Best wishes to your son. I hope he works out whatever is affecting him.

    Bookmark   May 13, 2013 at 1:15PM
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Seems like life is grand as long as wife's daughter isn't around. I'm so glad that little mommy has grown into a great role model that the son can look up to & confide in. So many times kids that grow up in a toxic household end up with tons of problems.

Your jealousy of your step daughter is just sad. I'd love to hear step daughters side of things.

    Bookmark   May 13, 2013 at 4:12PM
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Your son and his half-sister will in all likelihood be around long after you and your wife are gone. Their bond can be a valuable source of comfort and stability throughout their lives.

IIRC, your son has been away at college. A reasonable person would be grateful he's chosen to confide in family members. There are many less suitable advisors he could have gravitated to.

So far I haven't heard anything about your step-daughter that would justify this entrenched aversion and hostility. I hope somehow you can manage your feelings because otherwise you risk lasting damage to your relationships with your wife and son.

    Bookmark   May 13, 2013 at 9:10PM
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Thurman, you are being terribly unfair to your family and making a fool of yourself on this forum. I know that you realize how ridiculous all this sounds. A young man has some issues, and he talks to his older sister, a doctor, whom he evidently loves and with whom he has a good relationship, about them. And the problem is ... ?

You know what the problem is. The problem is YOU. You are absurdly upset by this perfectly normal and beneficial relationship.

You have an obsession with your stepdaughter that you know is irrational and pathological. How your wife puts up with it is beyond me. And it will surely will affect your relationship with your son if somehow it hasn't already. And given that you hint that you don't like your stepdaughter talking to your wife about your son, it also seems that beyond your demonizing of your stepdaughter, you want complete control over anything regarding your son. Another issue for therapy.

You have posted these "little mommy" posts numerous times. Every time, people take the time and trouble to reply and to advise you to seek therapy already. You always acknowledge that you should and say that you will. And as far as I know, you never do.

Why not, Thurman? Do you really want a happy family? Or do you get some kind of thrill out of posting here and getting responses, notwithstanding that not one of them has ever told you you are right? Surely there are other, better kinds of attention you can get somewhere in life.

Frankly, I think that at this point you owe this forum some explanation about why you keep asking the same questions and ignoring the same advice.

    Bookmark   May 29, 2013 at 1:13PM
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--Frankly, I think that at this point you owe this forum some explanation about why you keep asking the same questions and ignoring the same advice.--

Eternal hope (delusion?) that 'we' are all wrong?

    Bookmark   May 29, 2013 at 4:25PM
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>>Frankly, I think that at this point you owe this forum some explanation about why you keep asking the same questions and ignoring the same advice.He likes the attention.

    Bookmark   May 30, 2013 at 10:37AM
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Maybe it's just fun.

Maybe there's no "Thurman" at all.

no wife, no son, no stepdaughter...

just a keyboard.

This post was edited by sylviatexas on Thu, May 30, 13 at 18:25

    Bookmark   May 30, 2013 at 6:24PM
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Or maybe it's a stepdaughter with a stepfather like Thurman getting the satisfaction of hearing what people would say to him if he did post.

    Bookmark   June 2, 2013 at 5:08PM
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Or perhaps Thurman's just a wounded and damaged soul who is doing the best that he can, but can't get out of his own way in spite of getting some wonderful advice here.

    Bookmark   June 2, 2013 at 8:48PM
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Gerina, that was a beautifully kind and generous post. You are right.

Even if that is the case, though, I still feel for his wife, his son, and his stepdaughter. I do think he owes it to them to get some help with this problem and not let his hatred for his stepdaughter be more precious to him than his family's happiness.

    Bookmark   June 3, 2013 at 2:01PM
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And, I agree with you, Gellchom.

    Bookmark   June 3, 2013 at 4:35PM
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Thanks folks.
I have been in counseling-- several times.
I feel like I'm in a Twilight Zone episode where no one can see the truth but me. However, SD has been home for a few days, and true to form, she has inserted herself. And with no coaching or "poisoning" from me-- my son got very angry with her. He's in a tough emotional spot, and the last thing he needs is her interference. Even my wife saw it and spoke to SD about it. But I think she is sick. I'm telling you, this is a real syndrome. She says she's up worrying about her brother. Sounds too maternal to me. She goes up to his boss she sees outside somewhere to introduce herself as his sister? Seems way too wacko. Wife defends her as a great sister, but I think there is something pathological here.

    Bookmark   June 5, 2013 at 10:55AM
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Let Thurman Jr. deal with his sister. He brought SD into whatever is going on all by himself as noted in your original post. Perhaps now that he does have sister home and involved, he simply does not like her opinion or possible solution suggestions she is giving him.

It's ok for him to get angry at her. He is likely to get just as angry with you, mom, or anyone else as he struggles to deal with his current issues and life in general. He's a young man, dealing with many things (some for the first time as an adult). It's a fact of life and growing up. Everybody has problems, has to make hard decisions, experiences many different joys and heartbreaks, sometimes fall on their face and have to pick themselves back up and march on.

Thurman Jr will live and learn. He will survive whatever is currently going on.

    Bookmark   June 5, 2013 at 2:03PM
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But it is the idea that the SD can throw her weight around and no one calls her on it. My wife sees it as "wonderful sibling" instead of a pathological need and insecurity. My SD is lonely, rarely if ever dates, and I think it has created some type of strange desire to be "little Mommy" instead of an older sibling. I can't be the only one experiencing this?

    Bookmark   June 5, 2013 at 3:24PM
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What exactly is she doing?

Is she in his face with her advice? He'll pull away from her.

Is she calling people outside the family to "fix" the problem? He'll stop talking to her (and his mom, too, if she can't be trusted to keep a confidence).

I'm sure it must be frustrating to you, because you can't really choose to avoid her like you would a nosy neighbor, for example.

Maybe she just has poor social skills, and not really a pathological need.

    Bookmark   June 5, 2013 at 5:22PM
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--"SD can throw her weight around and no one calls her on it"--

But, Thurman, SD was 'called' on it. Her brother is angry and her mother acknowledged by speaking to SD.

Exactly what kind of "calls her on it" were you hoping for? The big 'aha' moment where both son and mother go "Thurman has been right all these years. SD is a deeply distrubed and we would not listen to him" ... and then they both toss SD and her bags to the curb?

Not going to happen, Thurman. If and when Thurman Jr has had enough of and/or thinks sis (or you, or mom) has crossed boundaries he will tell her/you/mom to all mind your own business.

    Bookmark   June 5, 2013 at 6:10PM
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Are you the only one?

well, one of the few, anyway.

'it's almost spousal in nature.'

'I'm ready to vomit. Little Mommy has no place here.'

Not many grown men would write something like that.

Most grown men come to grips with the fact that they cannot isolate their mates & offspring from the world, having the wife & kids love only dad.

Most grown men aren't jealous of the relationships between their wives & their/her children.

Most grown men don't obsess over the kinds of nonsense that sends you into orbit, & most grown men don't seethe with rage at a young woman who has made a good career for herself & who still loves her mother & her brother.

I can't think of one single incident that you've been bent out of shape over that has been anything but normal.

Why do you torture yourself with this kind of manufactured misery?

    Bookmark   June 5, 2013 at 6:56PM
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Just when you thought the summer was safe...Little mommy comes back.

Labor Day weekend is a tough time for me. Our son gets ready to go back to college. But I like the ritual of my wife and I getting him ready and taking him back to school.

But wait...just learned that my SD is orchestrating to also come spend the weekend with us. Help him get ready. Drop my son off.

Now, this is not a normal sister. She thinks she is his mother. And is spousal with my wife. It is hard to explain, but it is nauseating.

I tried to tell the wife that it was a bad idea...but to no avail. She blew up. Last time the SD tried to orchestrate this, there was an emergency and she couldn't go. Almost like God intervened! But I can't count on that happening twice in a row.

I'm thinking of asking my son to step in, but he's pretty much above this stuff...and I don't want him to get in the middle of it and hurt his relationship with his mother.

I'm thinking of writing to the SD to tell her to stay home, but I think that could end my marriage. "Grin and bear it" is probably my only option, but it is such a poor one.

    Bookmark   August 4, 2013 at 9:33PM
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You are so petty and jealous, Thurman. You have it fixed in your head that only you are allowed to do certain things with particular family members, no one else may encroach on "your" territory. Guess what? There are few fixed roles in anything, anywhere. The rest of the family must be so tired of your attitude, chucking a sad every time you don't get to be the one who sits in the front seat. Have you never heard, "many hands make light work"?
Why can you not be glad you son has a loving, caring sister who will be there after you and your wife are long gone? Or would you prefer your son be as alone and isolated as you are, with no one to turn to after you are dead?
Clearly you are not interested in pursuing therapy or in growing up and acting like an adult.

    Bookmark   August 4, 2013 at 11:57PM
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I am confused why you are so jealous of your step daughter. Most parents love it when their older children want to help the younger sibling do things like move back to school. Believe me, your son is probably thrilled.

I suspect "little mommy" was given a lot of responsibility when your son was younger. Did she babysit for him a lot? Let me guess, he was the kid to her and not brother. Any older sibling can tell you that parents love it when you help when they are younger but once the oldest becomes an adult and starts telling you how you should parent it is no longer fun. It is worse for a half sibling because for some stupid reason parents say they have the half sibling for the older child. Young kids think it is a gift. I think you are asking your step daughter to step aside from behavior that you and your wife nurtured in her.

I politely say this - move on. The problem is you.

    Bookmark   August 5, 2013 at 9:15PM
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Thurman, thanks for answering about the therapy. I would wonder what the therapists had to say about all this, but I can see that your very next sentence gives the answer:

"I have been in counseling-- several times.
I feel like I'm in a Twilight Zone episode where no one can see the truth but me."

Several therapists (and apparently everyone else you know) tell you you are seeing something that isn't there. Have you considered believing them?

Or are you just too addicted to your bitterness? Is it more important than your wife, your son, your marriage?

    Bookmark   August 8, 2013 at 3:33PM
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Gellchom nailed it.

Sorry Thurman, either your view or your approach is way off. Highly unlikely that every professional you have seen is inept.

    Bookmark   August 9, 2013 at 1:22PM
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I'm so sorry.

This is a little roundabout, but please bear with me:

Last autumn & winter, I took care of an elderly friend in her last illness.

I was surprised to learn that agitation is the most destructive, & maybe the most common, problem that people must deal with at the end of life.

& therefore I, ever the skeptic when it comes to drugs, learned to appreciate the ease that anti-agitation meds can give to someone who just can't stop fretting/worrying/obsessing/"wanting to vomit".

My friend remained herself, she was lively, alert, & funny, she didn't turn into a zombie, she just was able to enjoy life instead of working herself into a dither.

I don't know if your counseling involved a medical doctor, but please do yourself a kindness & consult one.

I wish you the best.

    Bookmark   August 10, 2013 at 4:57PM
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Especially given that SD is in medical school (or a doctor, whatever I forget). She would seem to be an excellent roll model, and can help her younger sibling navigate college.

    Bookmark   August 11, 2013 at 9:17AM
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Oh, that's right. It's THAT time of year where everyone wants to escort Little Thurman off to college. You know, Thurman, you could have just searched for last year's post on the same topic and reread those replies.

Oh, well, it is what it is I guess. You'll manage to survive this event just like you always have every other event/issue you stress over here.

Here's hoping Little Thurman has a great school year!

    Bookmark   August 11, 2013 at 10:07PM
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I guess the grass is always greener ... consider yourself lucky to have a SD that wants to be a part of the family and events and have a relationship with her SB. I have stepchildren who are selfish and wouldn't waste their time to help anyone else. I personally think you have a good thing and perhaps all she needs is for her mom to give her some boundaries.

    Bookmark   August 12, 2013 at 6:28AM
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The phrase insert herself had not struck me until I re-read this thread. Thinking genetically, as both daughter and half-sister, "little mommy" has a greater biological connection with the family than Thurman does.

I'm not sure how she inserts herself when she already belongs.

There's a disputed passage from the Greek tragedy Antigone in which she argues that despite the risk of the death penalty, her obligation to bury her brother is greater even than that of a husband because a brother can never be replaced while a husband can.

Perhaps that is the source of Thurman's fear.

    Bookmark   August 12, 2013 at 4:13PM
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We can use our analytical left brains to argue all day long, & it may make us all understand the situation better, but it won't help Thurman.

The thing that will help a malfunction of the metabolism or imbalances in the brain is *medicine*.

& it does work;
I've seen it.

    Bookmark   August 13, 2013 at 2:24PM
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