SS & GF won't move out

lilo55May 30, 2009

My SS recently moved in after being on his own for 18 mos. I told him only 2 rules: no smoking in the house & the GF could not live here- he agreed to both rules. As far as I know he has not been smoking, but the GF is definitely living here. At first it was just a night here & there & he'd ask me if it was OK, then she was here every night- I started charging him $200/mo after the first mo.- it is now going into the 4th mo. His dad confronted him about the GF but backed down when he threatened to live in his car. I am now the 'wicked stepmother' and have been asked by DH not to speak to my SS. I am the sole breadwinner for this family as my DH is disabled. I have begun to dread my days off & am not comfortable even taking a vacation & leaving them in the house alone- it's like having an unwanted houseguest. My SS is 22 & the GF is 19, she drinks- ALOT, then sleeps all day, wakes up and eats our food- A LOT of it. She does not have a job, and my SS only works part-time. I don't have a problem w/the SS staying a month or 2 longer, but I am tired of supporting this perfectly healthy 19 y/o alcoholic girl!! My husband says I'm going to hurt their feelings if I don't keep my mouth shut. HE is a recovering alcoholic himself & should know he is enabling his son who is enabling this girl-- whom the SS says he doesn't even "like" anymore but can't break up w/her. I feel like my DH is not sympathetic to my feelings at all about this, and that my boundaries are being trampled on. I am ready to consult a lawyer & start divorce proceedings! Am I wrong to want the GF out?? She has family nearby, not like she'd be living on the street!! DH fears that SS will leave too & we'll forever be estranged over this. I need help coping in a healthy way.

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kkny

You need to tell your dh that he is enabling his son to have no purpose in life. If son does not have a trade or a career path, he must get one. The GF must go. Your DH is NOT helping his son. If he wont listen to you, can you get him to go to a counselor with you -- he needs coaching in parenting skills.

A lot of people have problems with young adults and teens, but your dh must sit down and think -- where are you four going to be a year from now if the present path continues.

    Bookmark   May 31, 2009 at 11:33AM
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mom2emall

I agree that he is not helping his son at all in this situation! His son is 22 and only working part-time?? Why would he ever leave your home if he only has to work part-time and his gf can live there too??

"I am now the 'wicked stepmother' and have been asked by DH not to speak to my SS. "

"My husband says I'm going to hurt their feelings if I don't keep my mouth shut."

Your ss agreed to no gf living there and then did what he wanted and your supposed to walk on eggshells?? Your dh is more concerned about enabling his son to do nothing with his life and letting some stranger live in his home and get drunk all the time then your feelings? Not a good sign! Don't become a doormat.

If this continues who knows what is next. Maybe ss and gf will have a baby that you can support too! Your dh will never want to make them leave if they have a baby. And you will be guilted with "well the baby needs diapers...the baby needs food...they have nowhere to go with my grandchild"

It is sad that so many parents let their children guilt them into doing stupid things.

    Bookmark   May 31, 2009 at 12:09PM
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gajopa

If you are the sole breadwinner how is dad going to manage AND support SS and GF if you leave? Has he thought about that? I wouldn't work and buy groceries for a girl that won't work and drinks a lot and I wouldn't put up with a 22 yo SS for long. Who buys her booze? If SS has money to buy it he should have money to buy groceries. Until you can get them out I would suggest eating lunch out at work if possible and buying very few groceries. Maybe she will get tired of nothing to eat and leave. Maybe DH will get tired of no groceries and figure it out. I suppose a lot depends on if he moved into YOUR house or you moved into his or if you bought it together. It would be hard to make SS move out if it's not your house.

My SS lived with us for a short time when his wife divorced him. He was into drinking, lost his job and got a DWI. DH refused to pay the DWI and let him sit in jail for 6 months and think about if that was the life he wanted. He decided it wasn't and straightened up when he got out and hasn't been in any more trouble. He also had to figure out where to live then because moving back with us wasn't an option. My DS moved out on his own as soon as he finished high school and hasn't asked for a penny since, he's 33 now. I have trouble understanding young people who want to keep living at home and being supported unless they are in college and even then they can work some.

No one can take advantage of you without your permission.

    Bookmark   May 31, 2009 at 12:12PM
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sylviatexas1

You need to get these parasites out *now*, immediately, at once, pronto, for legal reasons as well as quality-of-life (*your* life) reasons.

"Tenant" rights can surprise the sh!t out of you, & you may find yourself having to live with people you're suing/evicting.

& if your husband tells the court that they have his permission to live in his home...you'll lose.

    Bookmark   May 31, 2009 at 3:14PM
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kkny

Obama has recently signed legislation tripling the size of Americorps, which offers excellent opporunties for post-HS kids to get into a good routine, accomplish things, perform community service and save money for college.

www.americorps.gov

    Bookmark   May 31, 2009 at 5:30PM
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sue36

I would double the amount of his rent ($200 per month doesn't even cover food) and tell him if she stays there hers will be the same. Your DH is doing them no favors.

    Bookmark   June 2, 2009 at 12:49AM
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wild_thing

I agree on doubling the rent. Also make them buy their own food.

    Bookmark   June 2, 2009 at 4:06PM
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serenity_now_2007

Maybe it shouldn't make a difference (I can see arguments both for and against it making a difference), but I'm of the mind that the main breadwinner gets to call the shots or at least have the final say about these things. In this case, that's you. I admit it: I'd most likely feel different if it was your husband who was the breadwinner and you weren't and you were complaining about the expense HE'D be incurring by housing his kids. But if they're not even your kids AND it's primarily your money and your house, then I say set whatever terms you want, and if they don't like it they can find somewhere else to live. And taking it even another level is having the GF live there who isn't EITHER of your kid. They both REALLY need to be at least actively looking for jobs or doing extra work around the house or SOMETHING to offset the extra expense of the living there. Times are tough and it's not always easy to find a job immediately, but it's true what they say: you have to make finding a job your job. And there is ALWAYS something they could find around the house to do to make themselves useful/helpful.

    Bookmark   June 2, 2009 at 4:35PM
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kkny

If she is truly an alchoholic, she has to go. I am sorry. If you want, call her folks if you want to make certain she has a place to go. You and every other person over 21 can be held accountable if she is drinking in your house. If you have to, call the county and see what facilities thy have for intoxicated teens.

    Bookmark   June 2, 2009 at 4:38PM
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sylviatexas1

"You and every other person over 21 can be held accountable if she is drinking in your house."

Yikes.

Please get these 2 out of your home before some disaster strikes.

I wish you the best.

    Bookmark   June 2, 2009 at 7:59PM
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kkny

Syl -- that may not be the law where you live -- it is where I live -- the police generally only go after situations where its a big party -- or someone drinks themselve into a stupor and you have to call 911.

Where I live you are allowed to give you own kid alchhol and any other kid wehre you have the explicit permission of their parents -- intended to allow for holiday meals, etc.

    Bookmark   June 2, 2009 at 8:14PM
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