is this normal?

ll77May 30, 2009

so I have a question...maybe its just me, id like to hear what other people think. so my fiance's 15yr old daughter wants to have people over tonight. At first she wanted everyone to sleep over...which would be 6 people at the most. she tells her dad that it will be boys as well as girls, and one of the boys is her boyfriend. ok, dad said no since the girls parents would not allow a sleepover if there's boys. then she goes off on him, and later cools off to call back saying that they'll stay til 2am and only her boyfriend will sleepover. when dad got off the phone with her i asked him why he would allow a boy let alone her boyfriend sleepover??? he said he wants to be fair?? i don't get it. i honestly think i have no say in it, since he made his decision without even talking with me. every sleepover has ended in them going out to the park and getting drunk or them being so loud til early morning. so im just baffled to see he didnt ask me what i thought before telling her yes. its almost like everytime hes scared to say no to her. i obviously live with him. and im pregnant, not sure if thats relevant. any thoughts???

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No, it is not normal for a 15 YO to have her boyfried sleep over. It is not normal for them to go to a park drinking, they could get arrested (are you in the US?).

But for dad to have a live in pregnant GF is not a good idea. We all understand the difference between teens and adults, but given teen hormones, this is not a good idea. IMHO.

    Bookmark   May 30, 2009 at 11:31PM
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I will never understand parents that let their teens have anyone of the opposite sex sleep over or let their teens sleep over at a boyfriend/girlfriends house. I know teens may sneak out or lie about where they are, but it baffles me when a parent KNOWS and allows it... what are they thinking???

But, I agree that dad is setting a bad example by having a live in pregnant GF. Teens may use dad's choices against him to justify theirs. Doesn't leave much for dad to say... except "I'm the adult, you're not." but it doesn't even sound like he's standing his ground at all. Has he considered who's going to be the one to deal with an unplanned pregnancy? Isn't he worried about STD's? or just the thought of some boy laying up with his little girl? If I were having his baby, I'd worry about his ability to parent and make good judgments...

    Bookmark   May 30, 2009 at 11:59PM
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Well, 15 is grade 10, hey?
When I was in grade 10/11/12, a few of my friends lived quite a long distance from most of the rest of us, so there were sometimes co-ed sleepovers. I'm 27 now, so this was 10-12 years ago.
My one friend's mom always had permission slips that our parents had to sign, that they knew it was co-ed, and that there was a swimming pool. We were supervised (parents would come downstairs a few times through the evening to be sure there was no hanky-panky). There were plenty of couples in my group of friends, but no one ever did much more than a little snuggling or a quick makeout - we were all more interested in having fun with our friends!

My BF and I weren't allowed sleepovers, but he came to the cabin with our family, and I went RVing with his when we were 15/16. We wound up sleeping on the pull-out couch in the living room together, but that's a little different than spending an ordinary weekend night in a bedroom.

Another friend had a BF who lived about 90 minutes away. He often stayed with her family for the weekend, and vice verse. They stayed in guest rooms, not in the same room.

So, I guess my point is that it's OK to have coed sleepovers as teens... But that it's not OK to have drunk teenagers sneaking out and unsupervised alone at night.

I also think that since you're an adult in the house, and part of (what I consider) the alpha relationship, you should get a heads-up when one of the kids in the house wants a sleepover or party.

Your DH is her parent and sets the rules, but I understand why you're upset that he didn't bounce it off you.
1) You're pregnant, so you're probably tired and not up to extra stress. The last thing your energy level needs is partying teens in your house! However, SD still needs a social life, so maybe a bit more compromise is in order? Like friends over is OK, but NO drinking, and quiet-ish (like watching a movie) after 1am, and everyone goes home?
2) You likely have a better insight into being a rebellious and horny teenage girl than he does - LOL! Dads sometimes have their heads in the clouds about their daughters. So you're probably thinking "Geez! BF is a naive dumb@ss! Why doesn't he see that his DD having a boy sleep over is a bad idea?! I could have told him that if he'd just asked me."
3) You're pregnant, so you're probably a little hormonal and may be taking things a little personally. It can be hard to adjust to being a part of a stepfamily, and I suspect it's even harder when you're also starting a joint family!

From your brief story, I think you're right that he doesn't want to say no to her. Here are some guesses why:
He might feel like she is responsible enough to make good decisions and doesn't need her to tell him no (ery few 15yos are).
He might feel that she's too old for him to tell no (she's not).
He might feel that he should cut her some slack, since her life is changing because of the pregnancy (doing something awesome and father-daughter-y together is a better option than having her BF sleepover.)
Maybe I'm way off-track, and there's totally a different reason?

I'm rambling now... I'll be quiet.

    Bookmark   May 31, 2009 at 12:32AM
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"only her boyfriend will sleepover"

oh, well, that's *entirely* better than having a bunch of girls sleep over.

bwaa haaaa hahaaaaaa haaaaaa haaaaa.

dad has rocks in his head & his daughter has *no* guidance;
as a friend once said, she's in the driver's seat & she's far too young to drive.

(I suspect she knows she's too young to drive, & her outrageous behavior, drinking, sleeping with boyfriend in her dad's house, etc, is the desperate plea of a young girl for *somebody* for heaven's sake to step up & give her some boundaries & show her some love.)

Although kk's perspective is strictly toward the daughter, she made an excellent point;

dad having a pregnant live-in girlfriend is not good for his daughter.

*and* it isn't good for you.
*and* it isn't good for your baby.

You need a husband to support you & your child,
your child needs a committed dad,
your boyfriend's daughter needs a grown up responsible father & a far better example than what she has.

What you need to figure out is whether this guy has anything to offer in the way of support, commitment, & guidance.

His behavior doesn't give any hint that he can fulfill a husband/father role.

I wish you the best.

    Bookmark   May 31, 2009 at 3:29PM
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this dad is crazy and inappropriate letting minor child all these sleepovers.

ceph please tell me you are kiding that you slept with your BF in the same bed (or pull out couch) in your or his parents house/RV at age 15. 15? I hope you get ages confused. 15? same bed? together? parents are there and are OK wiht it? I am a liberal parent so were my parents, but I have never heard of such a thing. just doesn't sound all right to me.

    Bookmark   May 31, 2009 at 3:55PM
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FD asked: "ceph please tell me you are kiding that you slept with your BF in the same bed (or pull out couch) in your or his parents house/RV at age 15."

Nope, I was 15, he was 16. We'd been together nearly a year, our parents knew we weren't having sex and weren't about to start.
We each had our own sleeping bags, and parents were less than 10 feet away.
In the RV, there were 3 beds, each one was double: his parents had one, we had one, and his little brother and his friend had one. We were in the same room as two 9yo boys, and the parents were through an open pocket door, although it was technically a separate room.
In the cabin, there was a bedroom with a double bed and a pullout in the living room. My parents had the bedroom, slept with the door open, and we were in our sleeping bags on the pull-out. The way the rooms were arranged, the beds faced towards each other and were about 8 feet apart, jsut separated by a doorway.
There's no way there could have been any funny business!
When we wanted some action we went for a walk by ourselves to find a quiet secluded bit of woods where we could makeout and get handsy, LOL!

I guess the point is that well-supervised trustworthy teenagers sleeping in the same place isn't a big deal to me... But unsupervised is, and so is sneaking out to drink in the park.

    Bookmark   May 31, 2009 at 4:32PM
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There are some teenage girls who can be trusted in a 'public sleepoever' type of situation, but not many. And there are some situations where that circumstance is more acceptable than others -- camping trips, vacations, school field trips.

But a garden variety sleepover? No Way! Why don't you suggest they just get a motel room? That might open Daddy's eyes.

This girl needs limits and boundaries. Otherwise, it'll be Daddy and his pregnant girlfriend and his pregnant daughter.

    Bookmark   May 31, 2009 at 5:54PM
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well if some people do it, it doesn't make it normal. it is not normal for a 15-year-old to do that. it is not even about sex or funny business. just kind of funny. here is my mom and dad next door and here is me at 15 sleeping in bed with a boy and we are in sleeping bags or skiing suits or diving suits LOl funny picture. and mom and dad checking up if no hanky-panky. it is like a scene from a comedy. never knew anyone would do that. LOL

OP's BF is out of line and need to provide his daughter wiht guidance. it is nice to be friends wiht your children, i am a good friend wiht DD, but this is overdoing it. and if BF thinks that she knows everything at age 15 then he is not mature enough to have children. not only he is raising this one wrong, he is expecting another one. he better does some thinking. even if there is no sex involved, she will grow up and remeber that dad didn't even cared enough to say "no" to stupid decisions she made.

    Bookmark   May 31, 2009 at 6:02PM
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I think FD hit the nail on the head with this one:
"it is nice to be friends wiht your children, i am a good friend wiht DD, but this is overdoing it."

BF might be trying to be her buddy more than he's trying to be her parent. It's a fine-line to walk though.

And this made me chuckle:
"even if there is no sex involved, she will grow up and remeber that dad didn't even cared enough to say "no" to stupid decisions she made."

My dad wasn't very good at parenting - he'd always had my mom to help him along, so when she died, he was a fish out of water. I still remember this conversation:
End of grade 12... I wanted to go camping with my friends for May Long Weekend (I'm Canadian, so that's around May 24)
"Dad, can I go camping for May Long with my friends? I want to leave Friday night after the grad banquet."
"Uh, ok... There will be boys there, including BF?"
"I assumed there would be. Will there be other girls there?"
"Then OK."

I remember being baffled though, because most of my friends got the third degree from their parents about who would be there, if there would be alcohol, to call and check in each day, and so on. Part of me was happy I didn't have to deal with that "crap". The other part went "Huh? Why isn't he asking?"
In hindsight, my dad cared, but I think he just thought I'd made it that far without any major catastrophes, so he considered me a success.
Is it possible that your BF is somewhat like my dad in that?

    Bookmark   May 31, 2009 at 6:38PM
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