I can't beleive this...

froggy05April 25, 2004

I'm supposed to order the bridesmaids dresses tomorrow, and all but one of my bm's has sent me the money and the size they need...I can not get a hold of this girl, i've left emails, messages on her cell and home phone and she has not responded. What do I do? I can not buy her dress, not only do I not know what size she needs, but its not fair to the other girls that just becasue she is a flake i have to cover her share...help. SHould i just count her out or buy her dress and hope its the right size, and she can pay me back??!!

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Does she live in the same town with you or is she in a different town or state? Is there anyone else you can contact to find out if anything is wrong (if she might be ill) to prevent her from responding to your messages? How long have you been trying to contact her without any results? When did you last speak to her? Does she know that tomorrow is the day for ordering the dresses?

The answers to those questions would determine whether or not I would go ahead and order, minus one BM dress. If she knows that tomorrow is the deadline for ordering and if she is not sick in the hospital or something equally serious, I would order the other girls dresses but I wouldn't even try to guess at someone else's size. I certainly wouldn't pay for the dress just hoping to be reimbursed without some kind of indication from her that she still intends to be a part of the wedding!

If she is having money problems and avoiding you because she's embarrassed to tell you that, I would say you don't have a close relationship and why was she asked to be a BM in the first place?

How important to you is it that she be in your wedding party? Maybe the answer to that will help you decide whether to take a chance on ordering a dress that you might have to pay for and that might not fit your friend at all.

Some places will let you add to an order after it's been placed and others won't. I definitely wouldn't let the other girls down by not placing the order for their dresses in plenty of time for them to arrive and allow for alterations if necessary.

Good luck to you.

    Bookmark   April 25, 2004 at 1:21AM
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My next message on her servers would be: today is the deadline for letting me know your size and delivering the money to me. If I don't hear from you, I'll assume you have had second thoughts about participating in my wedding as a bridesmaid. Take care...(your name).
Period. The end. If she is ill, the tone in your voice will be important, as if you're concerned about her. If she did reconsider, this is a way out for both of you.

The suggestions Lindsey gave are perfect, except that a deadline is just that, and she's either deathly ill, afraid to tell you she can't participate, or a creep. Call her parents to find out if she's ill. If not, personally...I'd use my voice message as a BAT!

Good luck!

    Bookmark   April 25, 2004 at 9:13PM
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Aren't you also getting married June 12?
And you have not ordered your BM gowns yet?!
Not to stress you out, but yesterday I picked up my sister's gown which we ordered in DECEMBER! And my other BM who ordered her dress in January, they tell me her's MIGHT get here on time for my wedding. But because she waited so long, they can make no garantee!

    Bookmark   April 25, 2004 at 10:36PM
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LOl, no my wedding is not till next year, but since i'm moving out of state in two months and because the color i chose is being discountinued after may, we had to order the dresess now.
As for flake girl, she lives in another state, i've told her (email, phone, as well as a letter) that yesterday was the deadline. Well I got it extended for a week more, but still....
My Fiance is closer to her than i am, thats why we asked her to be in the wedding, and he got upset when i told him i was considering "dropping" her
So we called her mom, and waiting to hear back.
I'm running out of time and options, I don't want ot lose her, but I need her ot respond. My last resort was the letter, and calling her mom...after that she's out.

    Bookmark   April 26, 2004 at 2:22AM
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good thinking. why don't you explain to your fiance that she has not sent you the money for the dress and her size information. you can't be responsible for someone who won't do her share. if she wants to be in your wedding, she'll let you know something soon and if not, then it's not your fault.

    Bookmark   April 26, 2004 at 10:40AM
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Perhaps she's gone out of town. Wait as long as you can and then try to contact her again, but I don't think it's fair to just "drop her" over something like this.

Andrea :o)

    Bookmark   April 26, 2004 at 11:37AM
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Sorry to disagree, but e-mail, phone and letter- it's more than fair. If she turns up later with a REALLY good story, like she was kidnapped by aliens, maybe she can play some other part in the wedding. "One monkey don't stop the show."

    Bookmark   April 26, 2004 at 12:41PM
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Yeah well I'll give the letter a good three days, and then another three for the response, if i don't hear from her by absolut deadline then i'll figure out what to do. I feel bad though.

    Bookmark   April 27, 2004 at 2:01AM
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I went through the exact same thing with my MOH...it was coming down to time to order the dresses and she wouldn't call me back. I left message after message, called her mother's house, went by her house, emailed her and I have yet to hear from her!!!! I didn't know what to do so I decided just to drop her. It broke my heart to have to do it because we were supposed to be "Best Friends"!! But here it is 4 months later and I still haven't heard from her. I just wish she would call!!!


    Bookmark   April 27, 2004 at 11:45AM
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Man, that gives "passive aggressive" a whole new dimension! Your MOH is "telling" you something that she can't bring herself to communicate in a mature and direct way.

    Bookmark   April 27, 2004 at 12:35PM
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Got to agree about letting her go if you don't get the response! I'm posting my story separately but I very much sympathize with you!

    Bookmark   April 27, 2004 at 1:17PM
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So I saw her, my non-rsponding BM, online today, and just as I sent my "hi how are you?" instant message she logged off and never returned. Should I take that as a hint that I am not a person she wants to talk to?
My fiancee made it clear not to drop her until we find out what is wrong, but the deadline for the dresses is fast approaching. DF got really upset when I assumed the reasons she is not responding, snice they were HS best friends its hard for him to let her go...plus her whole family is invited to the wedding and knows that she is a BM, it might look bad. I'm not sure what to do, still...please help (again).

    Bookmark   May 2, 2004 at 11:32PM
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Sweetie, you've hung on longer than most of us would have! I'd suggest one more call/email/letter to her and her dear Mom, stating flatly, that, having tried X number of times to reach her without success, IF she doesn't respond by such and such a date, with the money, you're ONLY recourse is to assume that to be the difinitive sign that she chooses not to be in the wedding party. I'd also save a copy for your DF. Then, proceed with the ordering for the gals why have complied with your requests and are diligent in their duties and responsibilities. If your DF is so 'upset' with your decision, or, HER decision, perhaps he'll be willing to fork out for the dress himself. Obviously he wants her there and trusts that she'll be there...so what's the harm in him paying for her dress? HAH! Maybe he'll change his tune!
END of SAGA. Finito! Fini! Wash your hands of her, explain to anyone who'll listen from her side of the family what happened. She's probably pulled stunts like this on them, too!

Enjoy the rest of the process without her!
Good luck!

    Bookmark   May 2, 2004 at 11:53PM
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I think your greatest problem is not between the bm and you, but your fiance and you. That is where you need to concentrate. If you cut her out of your wedding, when he doesn't want to cut her out of his wedding, you will have bigger issues than dresses.

You two have a problem facing you. You want to deal with it using "A", he wants to deal with it using "B". You will find that sort of thing happen all the time during your marriage. And many of those issues will be more significant than bm dresses. How are you two going to work out your problem? What social, relationship, and communication tools will the two of you use? Then try it out. How well did that method work? Were you both relativley happy in the end?

That ultimately seems more important to me than who is your bm and what does she wear.

    Bookmark   May 3, 2004 at 6:18AM
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I agree with Duckie. If this woman were your friend only, I'd cut her out, no problem. As she is his friend, I would ask him to take over dealing with her. Explain to him that you have tried to contact her by phone, e-mail, and by talking to her mother numerous times, and have no other ideas what to do. Tell him when the dress order - with money - is due, and let him figure things out.

Make sure he's very clear on the latest date for ordering the dress. Tell him about the experiences of those on this board, who have tried to order dresses only a few days or a week after the rest of the bridesmaids ordered, but were unable to get them in time for the wedding.

Also be clear that it matters to you that the girls wear the dresses you've all chosen, so you won't want her to be a bridesmaid in a different dress.

Good luck - what a difficult situation.

    Bookmark   May 3, 2004 at 8:47AM
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Duckie and joann, as usual, have given very wise advice. Take it. I agree completely: this is about something much more important than dresses. This is your fiance's close friend, and he wants her in his wedding. Explain that you are in a tight spot with the other bridesmaids, and ask him to deal with her. He (and she) might not understand why you feel urgency, because the wedding isn't soon. We get your reasoning, but they may not, or they may feel it isn't that important. Anyway, let HIM deal with it, and let the chips fall where they may. If she ends up in a non-matching dress, I know you will feel frustrated and annoyed, but really, what is that compared to how your fiance might feel if you cut one of his best friends out of his wedding over a particular color of a particular dress? I know that's NOT what you're doing, but can you see how it might look that way to him?

I respectfully disagree with Glitter's advice, because it sort of just goes to proving to your fiance and others that you are right. The problem is that where feelings are involved, being "right" just doesn't matter. I definitely would not "explain to anyone who'll listen from her side of the family what happened." No matter how right you are (and I agree -- you are), not only will it not accomplish anything, it will backfire: YOU are the one who will end up looking petty and bad (and maybe even jealous). It's not fair, but that's the way it always works out.

Would it help somehow to have her be one of his attendants instead of yours (which makes sense as she is his friend anyway)? If you don't want just one "nonmatching" attendant, maybe you can regroup the attendants so that the men who are your relatives and friends stand on your side and the women who are your fiance's stand on his. I always like that much better anyway. It makes me think that the couple must have very mature values to have a wedding party that includes the people who are closest to them, regardless of age, sex, or attractiveness. (I don't think badly of couples who don't do this; I just think it adds an extra, special dimension when they do.) Anyway, maybe a problem like this one could have been avoided if she were his attendant instead of yours.

Good luck!

    Bookmark   May 3, 2004 at 10:32AM
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I'd tell FI that you probably won't be able to get her a dress since you don't know her size; and I'd ask him to contact her and ask her to wear a black dress to match the groomsmen (assuming they are wearing black), and she can stand on his side. If the groomsmen are wearing vests or something in a particular color, get her a corsage in that color and she will match perfectly.

If she is more his friend anyway, she might as well stand on his side, and this way she doesn't have to buy the dress.

    Bookmark   May 3, 2004 at 2:34PM
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I think Anita's idea is an interesting one. However, if it doesn't fit your vision of the bridal party, and if seeing her dressed differently is just going to remind you of this whole frustrating situation, I'd recommend doing what you suggested in your first post, try to estimate her size (or call her mother and ask what size she wears) and order the dress anyway. If your wedding isn't til next year, you have a lot of time to get paid back. If she eventually drops out (which I doubt she will if her whole family is attending the wedding), you'll probably need another bridesmaid to match the number of groomsmen, and you'll already have the dress. An experienced alterations person can usually alter a size up or down.

Good luck!

    Bookmark   May 3, 2004 at 3:12PM
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Sounds to me like she's doing all she can to avoid you. I would order all the dresses EXCEPT HERS. She'll be glad you did it.

    Bookmark   May 3, 2004 at 4:39PM
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I would be having a serious problem if my DF was more worried about his friend's feelings than mine. You should have those closest to you in your wedding party. He should not be telling you who to have on your side of the party as you shouldn't be telling him who he should have.

Order the dresses for the other BMs as they have done what they are supposed to do and have done it on time. As I said, your feelings should come ahead of anyone else's and if they don't, now is the time to know it.

Good luck.

    Bookmark   May 3, 2004 at 11:01PM
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You all make very good suggestions. Lindsey7 I'd like to say that there is no problem between me and my finace, he has every right to insist that his good friend from HS be in our wedding, and he does put my feelings first, i told him how upset and frustrated i was, and he took it upon himself to call her and her mom...she is still not responding tho.

Ultimately it doesn't bother me what color dress she wears, its not really about the dress, what bothers me is her lack of consideration...and just utter flakyness, I don't want to go through this again, that she just doesn't show up at the wedding or something...
It feels weird thinking about dropping her, i think it would cause more trouble than its worth...i'm thinking to just wait and have her deal with the consequences of not responding in time...let her make her own judgement.
I'll keep you all posted, and thanks again for all your advice, its all been very helpful.

    Bookmark   May 4, 2004 at 1:32AM
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Yes, it's hard to do, but sometimes just letting people go all the way with their behavior then reap the consequences is the best way for them to learn. (But then it's hard when its your wedding that's their training ground.) Well, what more can you do? Seems that you have exhuasted all avenues, so the ball is in her court.

    Bookmark   May 4, 2004 at 6:31PM
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