Out of Town Wedding. Am I rude?

sminnjMarch 25, 2009

So a short back story....I dated my hubby in high school. Broke up and moved to NC for 9 years. And just now moved back to NJ. We've remained close friends over the years and after dating for a year now that I am back in NJ, we did the deed at the courthouse. We had our reasons for doing this. But our family does not know and now I am planning a wedding. We are limited as to the amount we can spend. Here in the NJ/Philadelphia are it is very expensive. So I want to have the wedding at a Mountain Resort in NC. The actual cost of the wedding is much cheaper. But I can't help but feel bad for asking 40 some guests to take time off work and drive 8 hours out of town for us. But I really feel that this is the wedding that I really want. I want to do it in NC.

What is the ettiquite on this subject?

Thanks for all inputs :)

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duckie

It would be rude if you don't tell your friends and family that you have already gotten married. For most people, the act of getting married is central to the concept of 'wedding'. To fail to omit this detail would be considered a falsehood and likely deeply hurt many of your friends and family.

To have your celebration 8 hours away isn't necessarily rude. It won't be rude of your guests to decline due to the distance either. It is to be expected that it will be too much for some of them. Accept those regrets with grace, and you will be fine.

There is a fine line between a potential guest complaining and pointing out difficulties with the plan. With such a small guest list, these people are very close to you and as such probably feel they can speak frankly with you. Whenever possible, give them the benefit of the doubt and look at these concerns as though the speaker loves you and is trying to be helpful, even if he/she is a little tactless in the delivery.

    Bookmark   March 26, 2009 at 8:06AM
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duckie

Whoops! "To fail to omit this detail" should read "To omit this detail". Sorry for the confusion

    Bookmark   March 26, 2009 at 8:10AM
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scarlett2001

The etiquette is - if people "take off from work", drive a total of 16 hours and then find out that this isn't the "real" wedding - you will have some annoyed people, I would think.

    Bookmark   March 27, 2009 at 11:25AM
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newhomebuilder

"We've remained close friends over the years and after dating for a year now that I am back in NJ, [we did the deed] at the courthouse. "

In the above statement, I know you meant that you received your marriage certificate [deed] at the courthouse, but I couldn't help laughing at that statement. Sounds like you consummated the marriage at the courthouse, too! LOL

I am all for a destination wedding for both saving money, and having the wedding that you prefer, but I agree with others that the truth needs to be told. Have you been living together all this time, or apart? If together, I really don't see that people will be too upset to know you are already married. Just don't expect them to travel for your 2nd big day.

    Bookmark   March 27, 2009 at 3:41PM
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sweet_pea10

I agree that you should let family know that you are married, but go ahead with your plans for the wedding in NC. I recently attended a niece's wedding reception held 11 months after the wedding. It was more a combination reception and anniversary celebration. They informed family right after the wedding and told everyone that they would be having a later celebration. They live in the mountains of eastern Oregon. They had 125 people attend from as far away as Illinois. Everyone had a wonderful time in a new, and beautiful, location.

No one cared that they had already "done the deed." We knew that a courthouse wedding was much more in keeping with their personalities.

Good luck and have fun.

    Bookmark   March 27, 2009 at 7:16PM
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mary_md7

If you want to have the event in NC, then do so, but tell people you are already married. To many people, a "wedding" means you are geting married, not already married, and it may be a factor in their decision as to whether to drive 16 hours, pay for a hotel, meals, etc.

    Bookmark   April 1, 2009 at 4:58PM
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camlan

It is not rude to have the wedding where you want. It would be rude to get upset at people who cannot attend the wedding due to distance, time or cost.

If you really want the wedding in NC, have it there. Just be aware that not everyone you invite will be able to attend. Please don't press them for reasons why. If someone tells you they can't go, just reply that you are sorry they can't make it.

And I agree. You should let the guests know that you are already married.

    Bookmark   April 5, 2009 at 7:23PM
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rebeccaroxane

I think you should have the wedding where ever you want it. However, don't get upset or too disappointed if some of your guests are unable to attend. Out of town weddings get expensive when you have to factor in travel (flight or gas), hotel, etc not to mention time off work. Also some of your guests may have children and if they don't bring their kids they may have to find a babysitter. Lots to think about. Good luck.

    Bookmark   April 6, 2009 at 12:24AM
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theroselvr

There are places in NJ that might end up costing about the same by the time you factor in travel & expenses as was mentioned.

Have you looked at any of the public gardens?

NJ Public Gardens

Then you have Brooklyn Botanic Garden - also check out this gallery. He lives close and takes photos of the various plants blooming. The scenery is awesome.

    Bookmark   April 6, 2009 at 8:26AM
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gellchom

I agree with the others on all points. I just want to add one suggestion.

In your original post, you wrote,

"We are limited as to the amount we can spend. Here in the NJ/Philadelphia are it is very expensive. So I want to have the wedding at a Mountain Resort in NC. The actual cost of the wedding is much cheaper."

I wouldn't say anything like this to your guests. It's cheaper for YOU, but it's a lot more expensive for THEM, when you figure in travel, at least one night in a hotel, restaurant meals, and perhaps missing work or using a vacation day. So in addition to being gracious and not asking for reasons if people decline, don't mention the cost factor, to avoid leading them to the conclusion that you are, in effect, shifting the cost to the guests. Just say it will be meaningful to you to have the wedding in NC -- or better yet, don't offer any explanation at all.

    Bookmark   April 23, 2009 at 12:01AM
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