What do you think of this??

jennmonkeyMarch 5, 2005

A long time family friend is about to get married. My sis and I just received our invitations. Included with the invite was a computer print-out that included 5 places they are registered with. One of the places was actually highlighted. (Does this mean I am supposed to only buy from that one?) I typed in the email address of the one highlighted registry, it is a cash site, where you pay cash on your credit card and it is deposited into their bank account on their wedding day. Is this really tacky or is it just me? I personally don't like the whole idea of registries, although I know they are commonplace these days. But to actually have 5 places, and to highlight the place you prefer? This couple is extremely materialistic in general which I guess is why it annoys me. What do you guys think of this?

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Nanaof2

Wow! That is one of the tackiest things I've come across since hitting the wedding boards last summer. My daughter got married last weekend so I've been cruising the sites for the last several months.
Registry information should only ever be spread by word of mouth. Some say it is okay to put it into a shower invite, and others say no way on that too. I prefer to not see it at all and to just ask, but it should never ever ever be in a wedding invitation.
I have to say that when I receive something like that, it is an absolute given that I won't be depositing anything into any bride and groom's account, let alone buying highlighted items. I am absolutely dumbfounded at the ill manners this couple displays. They are telling you to put money into their account! In my family when some serious offense occurs that requires a "talking to" about one's actions, we call that a "come to Jesus meeting" - you don't want to be invited to those.
If my daughter and son-in-law would have pulled a stunt like that, we would have had the ultimate "come to Jesus meeting!"
I would shop for them like you would have if you hadn't received their list, and be done.

    Bookmark   March 5, 2005 at 7:22PM
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gellchom

This is the worst yet. Sorry to criticize your old friend, but this is absolutely atrocious. Maybe you can just tell yourself it was the fiance's idea, not your friend's.

I second Nanaof2's advice to "shop for them like you would have if you hadn't received their list" -- although I would have to wait a while to get over their extreme rudeness before I could bring myself to get them anything at all.

I think that the perfect gift for this couple -- on many levels -- is a contribution in their honor to a worthy charity (I would have said "their favorite charity," but I somehow suspect this pair doesn't have one).

    Bookmark   March 7, 2005 at 12:55PM
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mary_md7

Personally, I have no problem with the concept of registering for gifts, as long as (A) nobody is told about the registry unless they ask and (B) the registry is for gifts and not for cash or mortgage companies or wedding expenses like honeymoons or contributing toward the photographer (yes, I actually received a registry card like that!).

To me, sending registry info unsolicitied is like saying "I'm entitled to get what I want and I can't trust you to choose something you think I'd like, so I'm telling you where to shop." But a cash donation site is just beyond the pale. And highlighting it? Where are my smelling salts??

    Bookmark   March 7, 2005 at 12:57PM
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gellchom

jennmonkey, what is the URL of that site where people "register" for cash? This I have got to see to believe.

How do you register for cash, anyway? I picture it looking like this:

Denomination_________Wants_________Received

Twenties_______________10______________3
Fifties_________________30______________8
Hundreds______________25______________0

    Bookmark   March 7, 2005 at 5:06PM
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mary_md7

gellchom, LOL! I can't imaging there would be any limitations on the numbers wanted in a given category. Heaven forbid that someone wanting to cough up a few $100 bills would be dissuaded by seeing that their list had been "fulfilled."

    Bookmark   March 7, 2005 at 6:04PM
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colleenoz

I'm fainting right there next to Mary (hope there's room :-) )! A new level in tacky.

Meanie-me suggests making a $5 (oh, what the hey, make it $10!) deposit at the cash site and leaving it at that. Nice-me thinks Gellchom's suggestion of a charitable donation is a win-win-win situation: you win, by not pandering to naked greed; the charity wins by getting a donation; the greedy-er-happy couple wins by learning that naked greed is not attractive and does not get rewarded.

    Bookmark   March 8, 2005 at 1:39AM
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gellchom

Colleen, what a good way to put it. The sad irony is that the couple WOULD win if they had a different attitude. People with good values WOULD consider a contribution to charity in their names a great gift. Although you are right, it certainly isn't a reward for greed.

By the way, I googled around and found a couple of sites that have "registries" for cash (as well as other things, including both regular gifts and charitable contributions). At least one of them has the additional awful-ness of charging a surcharge of almost 5%, I think it was -- to the giver, not the couple -- for cash gifts to the couple. And it seems that if you give a charitable contribution through one of these sites, what they do is give a check to the couple, who are then supposed to make the contribution to the charity.

I choose to believe that no couple has or will ever just kept that money or spend it on "topping off" the registry for gifts that were not received -- which would be nothing more than stealing money from a charity, which is about as low as you can get!

Anyway, this way, the couple would get the tax deduction, not the giver, which may or may not be the intention.

    Bookmark   March 8, 2005 at 1:34PM
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talley_sue_nyc

if you want to give cash, wouldn't you just give them cash? Or write a check?

    Bookmark   March 8, 2005 at 5:01PM
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gellchom

I think you're absolutely right, Talley Sue. Just a way for the website to try to make money (by adding the surcharge, as well as by adding to the number of hits on their site so that they can get more advertising).

    Bookmark   March 9, 2005 at 10:00AM
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jennmonkey

The website is www.aperfectweddinggift.com. A perfect wedding gift my a@@. The soon to be bride also just asked my sister to be a bridesmaid at the last minute, due to someone else dropping out. The other bridesmaids already picked out the dress, etc. So my sis got stuck forking out several hundred dollars for an ugly dress, shoes, and handbag for a wedding she didn't even want to be in.
gellchom- My sis had the same idea as you, that we should make a charitable contribution in their names. That would really get their goat, so I think that's what we should do.
According to this stupid website, just having your money deposited into their account is "safer" than writing a check or giving cash. Yeah right. Oh, you can even type in a little message for them along with giving your credit card number. I'm glad I am not the only one appauled by this. I have a feeling they only want people to go to their wedding for the gifts. Maybe I will just get them a plant (I bet they'll love it) hehehe

    Bookmark   March 12, 2005 at 7:35PM
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gellchom

thanks for the URL, jennmonkey. I looked at it, and -- yikes!

But, hey, we can't say it's rude. Right there on the site's FAQ page, it says:

"Is it proper etiquette to ask for money as a wedding gift?

"Money gifts have traditionally been given as wedding gifts. aperfectweddinggift.com is a polite way to ask for money, without having to ask."

I see. By that logic, because, "traditionally," parents and grandparents leave their property to their children and grandchildren, setting up a website hinting for your inheritance, or for that matter going all the way and letting Grandma know that you want the cash, not the car, would be a "polite" thing to do.

Oh, by the way, did you notice, buried deep within the site:

"The bride and groom agrees [sic] to a handling fee of 7 % which is deducted from the gift amount."

Sounds like a polite way to cash in on someone else's wedding.

    Bookmark   March 13, 2005 at 11:34AM
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sweet_pea10

This is the height of tacky. If I even attended the wedding, I would probably take a card and not give a gift at all. My "evil" nature would want to write a note saying "Since you don't need a gift..." but I wouldn't want to be tacky in return. Perhaps the couple didn't read the fine print on the web site. Either that or they are optimistic enough to think that they will get enough contributions to warrant paying a 7% fee. Tacky, tacky, tacky.

    Bookmark   March 13, 2005 at 3:44PM
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mary_md7

So, jennmonkey, I'm curious. Why did your sister agree to participate in this wedding (ugly dress, high cost and all) when she didn't want to? There's nothing wrong with saying "Sorry, but I can't be a member of the wedding party." After all, the request isn't a mandate.

    Bookmark   March 15, 2005 at 4:08PM
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jennmonkey

She felt guilty. I told her to say no, but she couldn't do it, this girl doesn't really have many friends (other bridesmaids are co-workers), so my sis didn't want her standing up there with only 2 bridesmaids, but 3 groomsmen. So, she asked for it in a way. She says the money she spent on the dress is their gift. I would have said no personally.

    Bookmark   March 15, 2005 at 8:23PM
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scarlett2001

The perfect gift for this couple would be an etiquette book!

    Bookmark   March 17, 2005 at 6:18PM
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dian57

If this girl doesn't have many friends, it may tie in with this blatent request for cash. Maybe she wasn't taught how to be socially comfortable; really doesn't know what's proper and what's just downright trashy.

Look to her parents and her background, how was she raised? Despite that, she should be old enough to have learned a few things. As a MOG, I certainly would discuss what a bad idea this cash thing is with my FDIL.

    Bookmark   March 18, 2005 at 6:35AM
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gellchom

dian57, I wouldn't talk to my future DIL about it -- too emotional a time to criticize her, and anyway, her parents, not I, would be responsible for her upbringing.

But my SON sure would get an earful!! They'd hear it from here to Timbuktu. After all, no matter whose idea this was -- we can't tell from the post -- they are both equally responsible.

    Bookmark   March 25, 2005 at 5:26PM
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froggy05

thats the rudest thing I've heard of, Not the first time I've seen this tho...my friend had a link on her registry that allowed people to make cash payments towards the couple's new car that they bought together. Sadly peope actually thought that was so cute...I didn't think it was cute at all.

We ended up not putting the registry list in our invitation, instead we put a link to our web page, which has a small note on the bottom of where we are registered at, so people really have to read the whole webpage before they get that info. I thought that was the best way to do it without it seeming like a "gift solicitation".

I'm sorry about your friend, hope your sister ends up enjoying herself somewhat.

    Bookmark   March 26, 2005 at 11:45AM
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cali4dawn

That doesn't seem as bad to me, as long as your web page was really about your life together. I'm assuming it was pictures and stories and such.

    Bookmark   March 28, 2005 at 10:10AM
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jennmonkey

The tackiness continues, my sis just received her invite to the bridal shower, and there was another list of gift ideas for the shower, and a note that says "if you need more ideas for gifts, just call me and ask". I really wish I didn't have to go to the wedding at all, but I feel like I am somewhat obligated.

    Bookmark   March 29, 2005 at 7:51PM
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scarlett2001

My name is Scarlett and I'm a codependent...and it takes one to know one. Now you say your sister feels "guilty" and you feel "obligated"... Why? Did the bride donate an organ to either of you? Did the groom come up with the mortgage payment that saved your farm?

The boundaries of a "long term family friendship" do not include being a patsy for anybody. I feel that you two are enabling this outrageous behavior on their part by being too, too agreeable.

If you like, here is a codependent yardstick that comes in handy for measurig an action:
1. Will doing this make me act against my best instincts/ values or beliefs?
2. Will doing this cause any type of loss to me? Financial, ethical/major inconvenience, etc?
3. Would the other person extend the same action to me if the situation were reversed?

You have expressed your disapproval here and we all agree - so stand up for yourself.

    Bookmark   March 31, 2005 at 7:38PM
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talley_sue_nyc

Hmmm, I'm not sure I agree w/ you about the shower invite. After all, a shower is ABOUT the presents--if I were hosting a wedding for my cousin or good friend, and you didn't want to buy them a present, I would want you to decline the invite.

Sure, there's bonding, etc., that happens at a shower that matters very much. But if you won't spring $2.99 for a kitchen towel, are you going to have the emotional frame of mind for that?

So, for the hostess to say, "here are some ideas some of you might like, and call me if none of these are interesting to you," on a SHOWER invitation is not rude, in my opinion.

(brides shouldn't be issuing shower invites and saying "ask me for ideas about gifts for me")

They are IDEAS, after all; you are free to choose some other gift for a shower.

    Bookmark   April 1, 2005 at 3:02PM
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