Getting Tired of Lazy Step-Daughter

blueangel43May 21, 2009

Actually, she is not technically my step-daughter since her father and I are not yet married. We moved in together, partly for financial reasons but mostly because we decided we thought we were ready. I knew going in that his 19-year-old daughter would be living with us.

She is a nice girl, got good grades in high school and is going to college in the fall. The issues I have are that 1)She is lazy, and 2)She makes food disappear really fast.

She has two responsibilities. You heard right, only two! She has to clean up after her cat and she has to put her dirty dishes in the dishwasher. She cannot even do these two things without being reminded most of the time. And if there are clean dishes in the dishwasher, she just leaves her dirty dishes in the sink because she's too lazy to put the clean dishes away first. She cooks herself a meal (thank god she can at least cook for herself) but leaves a huge mess behind and I have to chisel hardened food off of the counters, stove, sink, etc. She keeps using the office as her temporary storage room. I keep having to move her crap out of the way. She doesn't do anything else to help around the house unless I get her dad to ask her to help.

I was laid off and don't have a job, yet, so we are relying on my boyfriend's income to support us. And to top it off, our dog was just diagnosed with lymphoma, so we are paying to treat that. After the bills are paid, I get $100 a week for groceries. Within two days, half of the food is gone because she pigs out on it.

I keep trying to talk to my boyfriend about it, but he just says she's adjusting to living with me better than he thought, so I should quit "rocking the boat." Of course she's adjusting well. She doesn't have to do crap and she gets all the food she wants. Meanwhile, I'm starving and tired from cleaning up after her! If he doesn't tell me to quit rocking the boat, then he says he'll talk to her. But then he doesn't in hopes that I'll forget about it. I'm tired of it! I don't know how else to get this message across to my boyfriend.

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My DD was messy. But she takes care of herself fine now when she lives on her own. It is funny that when i visit her she tells me to stop leaving stuff around LOL who would think? she is still kind of messy but much better. Maybe SD will outgrow it.

as about food, com'n she got to eat. If money is tight, she needs to work and contribute too. she needs to get a job. and hopefully you can find job too. tough nowadays i know

    Bookmark   May 21, 2009 at 9:24PM
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Will she be going away to college? Or living at home?

    Bookmark   May 21, 2009 at 9:30PM
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Easy for him to say if he's not the one cleaning up the messes.

STOP cleaning up after her. Yes, the place might get a little gross for a while until the point is made, but BF will take more notice of the problem once he really sees (and smells) it for himself. At that point he'll either clean up after her and later get pissed about it, or he'll get pissed about it right away.

    Bookmark   May 21, 2009 at 10:19PM
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Agree with serenity. Dont do the cleanup any longer, both will see how nasty it gets.

    Bookmark   May 22, 2009 at 12:20AM
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Still looking for info? Is SD in school now? Will she go away to college?

    Bookmark   May 22, 2009 at 5:49AM
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The reason I keep asking for more info is I suspect BF is going to come home to mess, and say I work all day and come home to this? There is no reason for OP to get walked all over (OR STARVE, I THINK 100 FOR 3 ADULTS IS NOT ENOUGH) -- but I think we need more info to get a picture of psosible solutions that will actually work.

    Bookmark   May 22, 2009 at 8:37AM
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SD needs to find work to help out. Even if it's fast food for the summer, at least she can eat some at work! It's gotta be tough not having work, yourself, and being stuck minding the house. I'm sure SD thinks since you aren't working that you should handle the clean-up. It's easy for these kids to take advantage of the situation without looking at what they are (or aren't) contributing. Blessings to you on finding a job.

    Bookmark   May 22, 2009 at 9:19AM
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I think it is going to be tough to demand SD take a fast food job if Dads GF doesnt. Thats why I would like more details on situation.

What would you say if an unemployed spouse demanded your kid take a fast food job?

    Bookmark   May 22, 2009 at 9:28AM
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That's a good point. If the point is going to be made ---and it's a good one--- that b/c of tighter household expenses *everybody* needs to pitch in with chores and money, than it really should apply to *everybody*. That means Dad should pitch in with clean-up in addition to his job, SD should pitch in with clean-up as well get a job, and SM should pitch in with cleanup (which currently means a decrease in her clean-up duties) as well as get a job.

    Bookmark   May 22, 2009 at 11:11AM
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Serentity, I still dont understand total situation.

Everyone should pitch in with school, job and/or work. If dad is only one working, then no he shouldnt help clean. And if dad is going to work, and SD is going to school, and SM is not working out side the home or going to school -- then she is going to more of clean up.

If you told me I should do a third of clean up when I as the only one working in the house, I would say no way. If and when spouse gets a job with as many as hours as me, I would help.

I think all 3 need to sit down and agree on kitchen standards. This is frequent problem with teens.

    Bookmark   May 22, 2009 at 11:30AM
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I'm sure Poppingrays is suggesting a fast food job for this 19 year-old because she probably hasn't much work experience if any - you know, entry level job. Surely it wouldn't kill this kid to get some sort of a job, especially since it is summer and she has a few months before she starts school.

Blue - My situation is similar, but SD is 21. It is very frustrating and your BF is being passive just like my DH. They don't want to be the bad guy and it probably won't end until you address things with her yourself - and that's a very, very sticky place. I'd bite my tongue and not do anything as well, but even if your BF gets fed up with the mess and speaks with her, you probably won't get any long term clean-up from his DD. Regarding the food, I would personally address that one immediately. Tell her that you have a limited food budget and please don't eat this or that because it is going to be used for dinner, but if she is hungry she can make eggs or tuna or something that can stretch into more than one meal - but please don't make her feel like she cannot eat. I'm sure you won't.

    Bookmark   May 22, 2009 at 11:38AM
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I agree with kkny , we need more info.
BUt from what the info that was given.
1. I think both GF and SD should get jobs. All live under that roof so all should be chipping in.
2. blueangel if you are complaining about money at the end is too tight and you aer starving...then sorry, to have to say this, I know you love your dog. But he has lymphoma , i dont know how old he is. BUT if he is over 10 years and you are tight with cash, then most people in this case ususally put their pets to sleep. I know its cruel. BUt if you cannot get a job and y ou aer complaining about someone in your household eating too much and you are not having enough food. Reset your priorities.
Stop cleaning up after her and leave it at that.......get yourself a job , this way you wont be forced to make the decision to put your dog to sleep and tell bf that SD is now 19 years of age, she also needs to get a job.
If she is in school full time , then she wont be able to put too many hours.
I put 120 $ every 2 weeks for groceries....and i make things stretch.
How much can a girl eat???? I know boys eat more than friends sons ate him out of house and home...350 a week!

    Bookmark   May 22, 2009 at 11:38AM
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She will be starting college in August and she will be living with us while she goes to school. I'm hoping to find a job that pays a little better than a fast food job, but if I don't find a job in a couple more months then a fast food job might be the only option for me.

Since she is starting full-time school in a couple of months, I figure she needs this time to get her rest so I don't demand that she gets a job. Thankfully, a state program is paying for most of her tuition!

I can try not cleaning the mess up for a while. Although, I don't know if it will work because my boyfriend has "guy sight." He doesn't usually see mess, but will clean up if I ask. So hopefully I won't have to let the mess get to epic proportions before he finally notices.

    Bookmark   May 22, 2009 at 11:40AM
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If she isn't helping to clean now, and she is going to continue to live with you while in college, then you need a long term solution, letting the mess get bigger isn't really going to accomplish that. Perhaps you should talk to your b/f about it.
I get that she is starting school in the fall....what I don't get is why she needs "time to get her rest..."???? You are kidding right???
She should get off her ass and get a job. If she wants extra spending money, who is going to give it to her? Dad? Girls need things.
Who will pay for it?
Not really expenses that it sounds like any of you can afford right now. Not with only 100 a week for groceries for three grown adults.
What would make you think she needs "rest" before she starts college????????

    Bookmark   May 22, 2009 at 12:13PM
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Wild thing, I think blue angel has more common sense and better language thatn to tell Dad SD should get off her *** when SM isnt working.

    Bookmark   May 22, 2009 at 12:21PM
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kkny. it is easier to find a job that requires less skills when you are a high school graduate, then it is to find one in your line of work as a grown adult. She already stated that she is looking for a higher paying job, so that means she is more qualified to work in other areas, than the lazy step daughter.
She has an ass doesn't she? Butt? Rear end? Whatever you want to call it ....she is obviously just sitting on it and one would be inclined to think that she would have to get off of it in order to find a job. Correct???
If it is just semantics you are worried about here than don't know what to tell ya....I use whatever words I like to state my own opinions. You are going to be my language police now? You would rather do that than offer up opinions of your own on what is being posted? Why are you here again?? I never have figured that out. Step parent? Bio mom? what???

    Bookmark   May 22, 2009 at 12:36PM
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Many people take part time temporary jobs while looking for full time employment. Where I live it can be easier to find if one is not a college student, as some employers are concerend re turnover.

    Bookmark   May 22, 2009 at 12:41PM
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blueangel, I'm guessing that your boyfriend has a lower cleanliness level and taught that to your stepdaughter while she was growing up. She probably has "guy sight" too, lol...I know I have guy sight. I was actually going to look around on GW for housekeeping tips cause I'm a horrible housekeeper. It's like I just don't see it! I'm good with cleaning up dirty, but both DD and I are just messy! It's awful.

I'm thinking there is still a way to bring up a temporary job to her without sounding bad. It's probably a good time to talk to her about college expenses anyway. Even though she will get financial aid there are going to be things she wants to do and buy while in college. Maybe she can get a summer job to start saving up for expenses while in school.

And the conversation can really be an ok/bonding one. Maybe it can be a family meeting and you all can talk, grown up to grown up. Come up with a family plan, just like you stated here, you can explain your position about getting a job. It could be a great way to get everyone on the same page.

    Bookmark   May 22, 2009 at 12:54PM
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I think a family meeting is needed. The food budget is not enough. I think 19 is old enough to listen to family budget issues. SD may prefer working part time, but she should still pick up after herself.

"guy sight" -- is that related to "teenage sight" ?

I think there is a world of differnce between get off your lazy a**, and lets all try to reach some agreement.

    Bookmark   May 22, 2009 at 12:58PM
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I think this situation is fixable. A family meeting is a very good idea to discuss food budget topic and discussing job oppurtinities for both gf and sd. How about looking for something together???? She can get something for the summer or something part time before she goes to school.
I'm curious blueangel, you do not demand her to get a job because you figure she needs to rest before she begins college. And yet you are stressed with her 'laziness' . How about talking about designated chores for all in the home..including your bf?
Another poster brought up a point, that maybe her father taught her a certain level of cleanliness...i believe that totally.
My husband is 'lazy' from my perspective. I'm theone cleaning always...why? because i cannot wait for him to do it...i've actually refused to wash his clothes once...just to see how long will it take him to realize he has not socks or underwear there was a pair of sock under the couch....its been 3 months..i still have nto picked them...and neither has a whole other topic!!!!!
Nivea said it perfect!!!!

    Bookmark   May 22, 2009 at 2:02PM
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You echo my feelings in so many ways...I have 2 skids that are grown adults (21 and 24) that DO NOT work. They eat, sleep and live at home and I've had to deal and pick my battles. Actually I need to start a post on here soon.

Good luck with the job hunting and I think things will get better for you once you can get out of the house and have more $$ coming in. As far as SD, she is not going to change while in your household. Going to college is great and hopefully she will make something out of it for herself. But the eating, leaving messes etc...I believe you are in for a long fight or a long time of dealing. Unless you can talk to both of them NOW and nip this earlier than later. I've learned that DH sees me as just B*tching about the kids and vice-versa and wants to stay out of the conflict. He too often chooses to overlook or it's just easier to avoid the situation and let whatever continue to happen. If you can be rational with him and really talk about what needs to happen and what you are willing to contribute as well, that's a start. But he's got to be willing to listen and help you stand up and make rules for the house and for the SD.

    Bookmark   May 22, 2009 at 2:05PM
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It's her not helping around the house that I have the biggest problem with. The reason I'm letting her rest now is because she will be going to college full-time and she will be in the marching band, so she will have a performance schedule, trumpet practice, etc. on top of having daily classes and homework. She will actually have to resume trumpet practice soon as she will be expected to know some songs before classes start.

The food thing I can actually let go because I was only really irritated when I just bought groceries and she had already eaten a lot of the food that is supposed to last us a week. She is overweight and gets her unhealthy habits from both parents. I've been trying to buy healthier things for all of us.

The biggest issue is her leaving a mess behind all the time and me cleaning it up. Her father is away on business a lot, so he doesn't see what goes on day-to-day. Her BM is a big lazy slob, so I'm guessing that's where she got it. BM was diagnosed with depression (SD does not have depression). Since I'm not familiar with depression, I don't know if it causing her laziness is legitimate or if she's just milking the diagnosis for all its worth. BM never cleans the house and has a part-time job here and there.

I'm going to try a combination of just leaving the mess for this week (BF returns home on the 28th) and see if he notices that the house isn't as nice as it usually is. Then, I will sit the both of them down and try to work out a long-term plan. That way, BF will see the problem for himself and it won't seem like I'm just nagging him and SD about nothing when we sit down for the talk.

    Bookmark   May 22, 2009 at 4:15PM
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wild thing - I think you expressed yourself perfectly!

kkny - if my spouse was out of work I would absolutely expect the kids to take a fast food job to help with expenses. I would take a second job if needed. I would not let my family go hungry.

If the kids are old enough to legally work, then they should. There is nothing wrong with 15-20 hours a week doing some kind of work and helping pull your own weight. Nobody said the girl needs to get a full-time job, but she does need to keep her mind occupied with more productive things than sleeping, eating or sitting around all day, geesh!(ask any counselor about that...)

blueangel - unless you are independently wealthy, which you obviously aren't, then this girl does not need a break before college. She should appreciate the fact that there are plenty of 19 yr. olds working full-time, paying their own way without their parents help. I agree about the dog comment too. If it was between the family having enough food or medical treatment for the dog.... there is no question the family comes first.

    Bookmark   May 22, 2009 at 4:27PM
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See I just don't "get" the whole needing rest thing. That is ridiculous. If she is going to be in marching band, then she shouldn't be sitting around anyway, especially if she is overweight. It will just give her more problems when the time comes.
She should be practicing all the time anyway if she is serious about playing her instrument.
Lots of things this 19 year old could be doing besides sitting around doing nothing.
Hel* our kids are 16 and 15 and we don't even let them sit around and do nothing. They have to be involved in something. Which is one thing we work with my 16 y/o sd about. Not being lazy.
Too many kids now a days are too lazy. What fun is it to just sit and watch tv all day etc. Get out and enjoy the nice weather, go visit friends, plant a garden, wash the car, mow the lawn, pull the weeds, man the list can go on and on.

    Bookmark   May 22, 2009 at 5:36PM
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Poppin, my guestion was how you feel if your spouse was out of work, and your spouse said your lazy child should get a fast food job.

    Bookmark   May 22, 2009 at 6:01PM
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Maybe part of the difference you and I have, poppin, is that I beleive a parent has an obligation to support a 19year old going to college, but not a spouse, unless the spouse is taking care of a young child. I think OP recognizes the problem.

    Bookmark   May 22, 2009 at 6:15PM
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I also agree that a 19 yr old at home should have the expectation that her basic needs (food, shelter, clothing) will be met by her parent(s). I would do everything in my power as a parent/stepparent to prevent my kids from having to go to work to earn money for household basics.

That's JMO.

Now, since money is obviously tight, I wholeheartedly agree that if SD wants any extras right now (such as more-than-necessary clothing, jewelry, and just basic spending money) she needs a part-time job to pay for those things.

At the very least, I think a family meeting needs to be called to discuss basic expectations for the household members. At 19, SD should contribute more than 1 or 2 chores to the household. She really should be doing her own laundry, helping w/yardwork, etc. And I definitely think 19 is old enough to cook/clean up in the kitchen!

OP, talk to your boyfriend and get him on the same page as you regarding SD contributing to the household.

If SD is going to be living in campus apartments or dorms, she is going to be in for a rude shock if she doesn't bother to clean up after herself, and it won't win her any friends. Not that college kids are the neatest around, but I think now is the time to teach SD the basics of common courtesy/common sense when multiple people are living together. If dishwasher is full and you have dirty dishes to put in---UNLOAD IT. If wet laundry in washer, and you have dirty clothes to put in--toss the wet clothes in the dryer first.


    Bookmark   May 22, 2009 at 7:01PM
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Wow, you all bring up great points. Perhaps a part-time job wouldn't hurt her. At least until college or unless I find a job. (Contacted by a possible employer yesterday. Yay!)

Perhaps I should point out my BF's hypocrisy to him when he says he wants his children to be able to take care of themselves (his other daughter lives in another state and does take care of herself) in case something should happen to him, but then he doesn't make this one do anything around the house.

And we are talking about me going out of town with BF for his work since he is often gone weeks at a time, but now we have to make special arrangements because SD doesn't want to be by herself for a couple weeks. He didn't even ask why, just submitted to her.

And now he has the nerve to suggest that her BM come and stay with her at our house while we're away. Ummm...NO! As stated before, her BM is a lazy slob, too. Plus BM has some part-time job and is not looking to upgrade. We're already having problems, I don't need the BM to come squatting in our house. He says he'll make it clear that she has to leave by the time we get back, but I KNOW what is going to happen if she stays here. I'll have four people to feed and clean up after.

No, time to put my foot down and suggest SD take care of herself for a couple weeks while we're gone. (If I end up going. All depends on whether I find a job first or not.) What does he expect if something does happen to him? I'm just the GF, I'm not adopting the SD. She'd have to go back with her BM. Would they survive on BM's part-time job? I doubt it. SD would have to work, too.

Oh, and about the dog. He IS part of the family. He's not an old dog. There's no way we could put him to sleep unless he was really suffering. We're trying a holistic treatment instead of chemo because it's cheaper and has great reviews. It seems to be working, actually.

    Bookmark   May 23, 2009 at 9:55AM
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If the dog treatment is working then its great! as long as you are not in dire straits over that with cash flow. I know alot of people 's pets are family. Mine is as well. BUt i consider age, quality of life and in the end cash. If i cannot afford thousands of dollars and my pet is above a certain age frame, and the prognosis is slim, plus suffering...i put down.
I think 19 years old is way old enough to be by herself! WTF??? And if she doesn't want to be alone tell her to go to moms or a friends house. BM doesn't have to stay in the househodl if you dont want her.
BUt it doens't sound like you guys do not hate one mention you'll have 4 to feed and clean?????
Nothing wrong with her getting a job for the summer. And if she's overweight, then i do not agree with her Resting in any shape way or form. SHe needs to move her butt, get active and shed the pounds !!!
bEsides being physically active also helps keep the mind active. If she wants to memorize all those songs she needs to be fit.
What breed of dog do you have????

    Bookmark   May 23, 2009 at 12:43PM
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Do I think that the stepdaughter should do what she's supposed to do and clean up after herself? Yes, but it's fairly normal behavior at her age that she doesn't do it, especially if she's used to living with just a father who doesn't care as much about it and whose standards aren't as high as the girlfriend's. The stepdaughter is probably just living what, to her, is the status quo in her father's house. I think that when you're coming into a situation like that as a girlfriend when the daughter is 19, you have to recognize that your standards and rules aren't the house's pre-existing standards and rules. You can work towards changing them, but it's probably wiser to start small and not get angry/resentful towards the daughter about things not going your way right away. The person who decided what was okay in the house before was the boyfriend. If you're going to be angry/resentful towards anyone, it ought to be him.

I also think that as an out-of-work live-in girlfriend (not spouse!), Blueangel is out of line to cast aspersions on the guy's daughter for not working and contributing the household. She isn't working either, and as a girlfriend, she has less cause to be supported by the guy than the guy's daughter does. I understand the whole wanting the right job thing, but I think that if you're going to fuss about the guy's kid not working, YOU have to be working first. Even if the kid in question is 19. If a fast food worker's income is what stands between the household being comfortable and being tight, to me, that says that the boyfriend's income would be enough to support him and his daughter. It's adding a third adult to the house that's straining the budget, and the "third adult" in this case is the girlfriend, not his kid. She's not married to him. His supporting her financially shouldn't be a given.

If I had an out-of-work boyfriend who moved in with me and started saying that my 19-year-old needed to clean up, get a job, and start contributing to the house financially or else move out; I would be angry. And not with my kid.

    Bookmark   May 23, 2009 at 1:15PM
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Sovra -- so well said. And I think OP does realize this -- which is why she packbedals from the "Lazy Step-Daughter" start.

Organic, I don't know if you live in the US, but in the US, college is not free. Most parents help, to the extent they can.

My guess is OP would rather be working -- but it could be a stretch. My Xs SO quit work after she moved in with him -- it sets a terrible example for my D, and I do think my X expects SO to do more housework, etc.

    Bookmark   May 23, 2009 at 1:38PM
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Is she a freshman in college or has she already been going??
Around here if you are a freshman you have to live in the dorms. Most of the students have jobs too or least the ones the college provides. Work study.
I didn't know many college students who didn't work when I was in college. Not many at all.
Because most have bills to pay for themselves, like their car, their personal stuff etc. Most of them didn't expect their parents to pay all of that.
This girl isn't even keeping up with practicing her instrument though. Lazy.

    Bookmark   May 23, 2009 at 2:59PM
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Many colleges don't have dorms, or only very limted spaces, like CUNY. Dorms are more expensive than living at home, and many kids wnat to keep debt down. Work study is generally only available to students based on fiancial ability to pay. They will look at parents income, but ther are other jobs available.

The girl may or may not be lazy, but not for the girlfriend to say.

    Bookmark   May 23, 2009 at 3:15PM
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whatever kkny.
OP already said sd was getting assistance...usually that would mean she would qualify for work study.
Anything else you want to argue about, lets do it.

    Bookmark   May 23, 2009 at 3:18PM
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SD is getting state aid -- in a lot of states aid is based on merit (e.g. grades) not finanical need -- and even if need-based, the state may have different standards than federal, which determines work study rules. But in any event, my guess is that Dad is proud that his daughter qualified for the state program.

It really doesnt matter what you or I think -- it matters what OP and her SO think. My guess is she realizes calling the SD lazy wont be productive. Lets see -- SD received aid for college and what's dad's SO doing?

    Bookmark   May 23, 2009 at 3:40PM
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For those of you who think I'm just the evil SO complaining about the sweet SD while I sit on my lazy butt, you couldn't be further from the truth. Up until recently I had been working. I was laid off and am actively searching for a job. A fast food job will not be enough to support us as I am getting more from unemployment benefits than I would working a fast food job. It would make no sense to take a job that doesn't pay enough to pay my share of the bills unless I absolutely had to.

Second of all, the lease is in my name and up until I lost my job I was paying the rent. These two moved in with me, not the other way around. BF was generous enough to take over paying part of the rent when I lost my job.

The good grades that SD got prove that she is only lazy because her dad is letting her be lazy right now. When they lived together at their last place, BF was the one to push SD and BM to do their share so their home wasn't nasty. Obviously, this girl has the ability to work hard when she wants to. So, why is it suddenly so hard for her to clean a spill off the counter or empty her cat's litter box?

I finally broke down and told BF over the phone today what I thought of her leaving a big mess and he finally agreed that it is a reasonable request that she clean up after herself. He admits that she got it from her mother and he just doesn't say anything because he got tired of having to push everyone to do their part in his previous living situation. He agrees that should do her part to keep the house from looking like it did when they lived with BM. I don't expect it to be sparkly clean all the time, but at least clean the spills off the counter when you make food and throw the wrappers in the garbage, yeesh! So, he said when he gets home we're all going to sit down and agree on what is expected of everybody.

That's all I wanted to begin with. For everyone to clean up after themself. And, no, I don't think I should have to live with someone's lazy behavior that was established before they moved into what was MY house. Leave your mess at the door, thank you.

    Bookmark   May 23, 2009 at 4:07PM
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I always love how the stories here morph. First is starts with "we moved in togethor" and "our house", now its my house. Only the OP knows

    Bookmark   May 23, 2009 at 4:23PM
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It is her apartment. And that is exactly why your sd is not cleaning up because its your place, therefore its your responsibility.
And no where in the world is college or university free. No where!
Yah, she is just plain lazy and that is her personality. and the only way for her to snap out of that is when she finally gets a place of her own when she is older Or when she moves into a dormatory and her roomate tells her off. Happen to my own brother:) And he was a slob!

    Bookmark   May 23, 2009 at 6:32PM
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It WAS my house and now it is OUR house, so why should I be the only one who has to adapt to allow everyone else to mess the place up? It is OUR house, WE should keep it clean. Not just I should keep it clean or I should allow it to be messy because that's just how the new people are.

And just because I lost my job due to the crappy economy does not mean that I should not have a say in what happens in this house. I may not be at work 9-5 every day, but there is still money coming in due to the fact that I did work everyday and will again, hopefully very soon.

Since I have the advice that I originally came to get, I'm not going to post about this particular subject anymore. The more I explain my situation, the more the trolls take it out of context. I hope a certain troll finally snaps and attacks someone so that he/she may be banned from this forum.

    Bookmark   May 23, 2009 at 6:33PM
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organic, you are completely wrong here. Just because it is her place DOES NOT mean that the sd does not have to clean up after herself. WTF?!!!!!
So you are telling me when you go over to someone elses house you just leave a big ole mess for them to clean up???? NICE!
I don't think so.
When I go somewhere else for dinner etc...I always ask if there is anything I can do to HELP....normally there is something I can do. I wouldn't feel comfortable leaving it all to the host anyway. AND this situation is only if I am a guest for Pete sake!
If I lived with someone, then you bet your as* I will be EXPECTED to clean up after myself and not think, oh well its your apartment , house, whatever, so you do it! That is the most stupid thing I have ever read!
You can get grants for college, and scholarships to help pay. You can get the courses, tuition, and books paid for sometimes, but your cost of living is most certainly not free.
I don't buy the whole lazy being a personality trait....that is learned behavior, but from the sounds of it, not even that it sounds like she is just being lazy for the sake of it, and should be told off now IMO. She is 19 and a freakin' adult, I think she can handle it lol.

....and blue angel, don't sweat it, SOME of the people who post here have some nutty ideas but sometimes they have some good advice. Just not when they get a bug up their butt about something. Then all bets are off lol. Your job situation I picked up on when you said you were looking for a higher paying does not take a rocket scientist to figure out that one. Something will come along....hang in there....I have a friend who lost her Higher paying job also, and it took her 3 months to find another job that paid as well. She was getting unemployment also and taking a fast food job made no damn sense either.
Some of us know exactly where you are coming from.
Your sd needs to clean up after herself, she is after all 19 and a young adult she should start acting like one.

    Bookmark   May 24, 2009 at 2:20PM
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"It is her apartment. And that is exactly why your sd is not cleaning up because its your place, therefore its your responsibility."

Maybe I am wrong, but I got the impression that Organic Maria was being sarcastic when she made this statement. I think she is saying that the SD doesn't clean up because SHE feels it's not her responsibility--organic maria was not saying this is RIGHT, she was just saying this is SD's (faulty) attitude regarding the house and cleaning up.

In the next paragraph she goes on to say she is just plain lazy.

So I don't think organic maria was defending the SD at all here.

    Bookmark   May 24, 2009 at 3:50PM
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Wild thing. RELAX!! You are WAY OFF! Look at lovehadley posts. SHE COMPLETELY UNDERSTOOD EXACTLY WHAT I SAID.
I am not defending SD at all. I stated she is lazy and in my opinion i think in her mind she FEELS its YOUR apartment and its not an OUR situation.
I'm trying to give my opinion blueangel that i think you sd doesn't clean becuase she feels its your apartment and wont lift a finger.
Thank You lovehadley for defending me:) See..posting on sites and blogs is not a clear thing at times and can be misinterpreted:)
And no wildthing i'm not a nut. Alot of my posts are sound times sarcastic and blunt...but still sound jump the gun on me.
And no blueangel i'm not a troll and i think its quite disgusting that you come her to post , get advice, jump the gun on me and then insinuate i'm a troll? know what....we all give advice here, its up to you if you want to take it or not. BUt i'm thoroughly insulted here because you misunderstood what i was saying. I state again: your SD is probably not cleaing up because she feels its your place. You may say its ours...but she probalby deosnt' see it that way and uses that as an excuse in her mind that she doesn't have to. I'm not saying that is right...i'm saying...she's lazy.
So dont be quick to pounce on someone...then insult and call them a nut a troll. I have read many posts here and i do understand some people are way too quick to attack at times.

    Bookmark   May 25, 2009 at 7:48AM
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Organic, I don't think you're the "troll" referred to...
FWIW, I think that in a shared household everyone should be contributing what they can, financially and by doing housework. So OP's doing housework, what's SD doing besides making messes for OP to clean up? OP has every right to complain.

    Bookmark   May 25, 2009 at 11:57AM
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Of courese everyone should pitch in. I am still confused. OP says her DH "gives" her $100 for groceries and pays the rent. So where is her unemployment $$ going to?

    Bookmark   May 25, 2009 at 12:09PM
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I think we are all in agreement that they all should pitch in...thats the main theme.
Good question....UI is cash coming in.....

    Bookmark   May 25, 2009 at 6:02PM
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Yes, but to clarify, I count going to school as my D's job -- ie equivalent to contributing. As to summer, we dont know what Dad/SD have agreed on -- many many parents say if you get good enough grades to get state aid program and go to state school, you will be rewarded.

    Bookmark   May 25, 2009 at 6:45PM
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"OP says her DH "gives" her $100 for groceries and pays the rent. So where is her unemployment $$ going to?"

She didn't say her DH gives her $100. She said after the bills are paid, she gets $100 for groceries.

Maybe it wasn't worded clearly but I took that to mean $100 is what's budgeted for food after everything has been paid. I am assuming her unemployment cash, along with BF's income, goes towards all the bills/rent.

    Bookmark   May 25, 2009 at 11:09PM
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You may be write, OP writes that her BF is supporting her.

    Bookmark   May 25, 2009 at 11:19PM
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does it bother anyone that OP is complaining about a 19 year old eating all the groceries ($100 a week is NOTHING...) but they are spending money on treating the dog? Now, I'm not knocking animal lovers, but c'mon.

First, they are not even married... if you don't like how he does things with his child, you are one step ahead of anyone that didn't figure it out BEFORE they married the guy. He isn't going to change... unless he wants to change. She may or may not change... depends on how she matures or not. She's 19 so their relationship dynamics are pretty established. He's giving you a red flag when he says "she's adjusting to living with me better than he thought, so I should quit "rocking the boat."" He is saying this is as good as it gets, he doesn't see this as a big problem. Secondly, she's 19. College or not, she isn't ready to be on her own and it does sound like she's working toward that... she gets good grades and is going to college in the fall. IMO, she is still a dependent child and as long as she is respectful and working on the goal of becoming a responsible adult. If she were a drop out, going out partying all night and sleeping all day... etc, my answer would definitely be different.

    Bookmark   May 26, 2009 at 2:11AM
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I have a gut feeling its not so much about money or food...yah sure those can piss someone off...but maybe deep inside, blueangel , in your mind sd is 19 and should fly the coup soon???? Correct me if i'm wrong...but at that age i would expect her to start wanting her own place and not to stick to daddy's hip. You are in a relationship with him and 3 is a crowd at her age.....maybe i'm wrong. Maybe you do not feel that way and you truly expect her to stay for a while. She does sound like a nice a person. Just doesn't want to clean. I think open communication with everyone here is the key. But you bf doesn't want to rock the boat???? yah...that sounds odd to me if she's fine.

    Bookmark   May 26, 2009 at 6:17AM
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I totally understand why BlueAngel uses money to treat her dog even if there's not enough food for SD to pig out. People who love their animals take on the responsibility for life to take care of them ~ not just until they get sick. I would give up all but the bare necessities to make sure mine were taken care of. People who have never loved an animal like it was a child won't understand this. Mine have the best I can give them. Maybe BlueAngel feels the same way.

    Bookmark   May 26, 2009 at 10:05AM
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Organics sarcasm was lost on me. Wasn't coming across at all IMO. :::::::shrugs::::::
I never called you a troll lol...where did that come from?
Or was that simply to imply that I could be one???
Nice try.
I don't have to agree with everything you say. I can have a separate opinion. That is after all what a forum is.
I didn't call anyone a nut or anything of the sort, I did say that some who post here have some hair-brained ideas sometimes but that was not pointing a finger at anyone in particular, I will apologize if you took that to mean that I was referring to you. I was not. It was merely a general statement meant for the OP to take some posts with a grain of salt, or read here and take what you need and leave the rest.

    Bookmark   May 26, 2009 at 1:56PM
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Apology accepted...i did feel like it was pointing at me... and i'm sorry if i said anythign to offend you as well.
But i was basically stating what i think the sd is thinking. Her place, not my responsibility. Why? Cause i was 24 when i moved in to my sm place to please my grandfather ..for abotu a year then moved otu again. And i felt it was her place and didn't lift a finger to clean her house. Just my room and any mess i made in the kitchen. Cause that is how i felt. I didn't do any honestly never occurred to me at the time...but i would help when she asked.
I think SD is not doing it on purpose...

    Bookmark   May 27, 2009 at 8:00AM
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No worries. I think you are a very smart woman, and I do like what you have to say. I have indicated that in a number of postings. There are several ladies here who have some awesome advice.

    Bookmark   May 27, 2009 at 11:39AM
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