Step son issues

superbugginMay 5, 2013

I normally do not post I usually just read other people's problems, but I need some advice. My husband and I have been together two years now... His son is 9 and is with us full time (mother out of picture, alive, not sure where at) my son is 4 and I switch off with the ex every other week. So for a whole week his son gets my full attention with homework, games, then when my son come I try to mediate but I do miss my son so of course I want to give him some of my time. Now the 9 year old is not diagnosed officially but he is showing symptoms of ADD, he can't sit still, he talks for hours easily distracted, super smart, talks to me and hubby like we are retarded sometimes, ill admit I was never great in school so some of his homework does get me a Lil and he knows so many facts! Anyway I'm having a problem with him listening to me he never gets punished! Never! I put my four year old in time out I correct him... This kid -my husband acts like I'm the devil when I tell him to calm down! Or hold on a minute! Like he does not understand human cues. Ill give my son a look- the mom look -and he knows to stop... His son does not understand personal space let alone stop.... I do not fully blame the 9year old because no one tells him that he is doing something wrong. Lately the 9yrold has been going through some depression so he is always opposite and mood killer. Ex. Hey lets cook hamburgers on grill! Him I hate hamburger.... Ok hotdogs. Him I'm not hungry.... Ugh. Another example so it's not just at home, he was at his grandmothers with his cousin. (I was not there, was told this). She said let's play a card game.... He said ill play solitar... Grandma lets play a go fish. Him I want to play solitaire so grandma and cousin play a game and he sits next to them playing solitaire while yelling at grandma, who is trying to play with cousin, grand ma look over look at this!! Ugh like am I crazy? Why would they do that? Make them play another game or don't give him attention...ugh... At home if Jacobs there. Hey do you want to play Legos with us. Him no I want to play alone in my room... 20 minutes later step mom look at the Lego house I built all by myself.... And he whines like he is three sometimes. Dad treats him either as an equal or a baby! Dad feeds into his every whim and every conversation even if his talking butts into our convo.... Anyway I've been trying different ways to talk to his son but its always wrong or he gets so negative I end the convo... I've been two weeks now only talking to him when needed because he does not listen to me and I have been a Lil irritated with him... I don't like being like this towards a child but dad is not helping when he makes it seem like we are sibling having a silly fight! But my patience is starting to run thin... I do everything for this child sometimes putting my son aside so he hopefully stays in a good mood. I feel trapped and run over by a kid! I want to laugh and be there. But part of me is like why when I say hey can u bring up the trash can for me... Whiny why me I don't want to I'm tired my back hurts... Ugh but 10 Mintues later step mom can you do this or this for me? I've tried turning it around but it does not work I can't my feet hurt... But then I get dad why didn't you get it what's the big deal? Ugh so trapped! I don't want my son to think this is ok but he is already starting to repeat stuff,,, help ideas anyone? I'd like to give this my all, how do I get dad alil more on my side and get step son out of this negative path?

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Ok like right now. Dad just said time for your shower son ok dad turns on shower son has not turned off tv or moved! If that was my son I'd be all over him about listening following directions.... Dad it's no big deal that his son has flat out ignored him and does not care! But if I say something then it's my issue and why am I starting a fight! Sorry had to rant this stuff has been building up and I do not have alot of blended family friends.. So they do not understand only child syndrome mixed with new Lil brother syndrome and no mom to new mom!

    Bookmark   May 5, 2013 at 7:56PM
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The biggest part of your problem as I see it is your husband. As long as he allows his son to behave poorly and objects to anyone else taking a hand the situation will remain the same. And really, you should not have to discipline his son.
Detach. His son, his responsibility. If Dad objects, repeat, your son, your responsibility.
"I've tried turning it around but it does not work I can't my feet hurt... But then I get dad why didn't you get it what's the big deal?" Looks like Dad doesn't have your back, rather he has his son's against you.
You may ultimately end up deciding if living with a husband who is aligned against you with a son who is disrespectful and disruptive is worth it.

    Bookmark   May 6, 2013 at 3:03AM
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I agree the biggest problem is your husband. But Superbuggin . . . I'm not trying to attack you, and I know hindsight is always 20/20, but I see this all the time on these forums and I'm just curious as to why you got married to this guy when you had to have seen some of these problems before hand. This guy has full custody of his son, mom is not in the picture, so you HAD to have spent some time with your DH's son before agreeing to get married. Did you not see how his son acted then? Did you try to talk to your then fiance about his son's behavior?

So you understand where I'm coming from, I dated a man who had a spoiled brat of a son. He only had his son every other weekend and even that was enough time with the kid for me to realize that the relationship was not going to work. To be fair, I also had the benefit of reading others blended family experiences online so maybe that was an extra something that helped me to see the truth about the relationship and realize that it was not going to work.

Sorry hon, you say these issues have been building up and you don't have a lot of blended family friends to talk to about these things. So it sounds like you might have been holding a lot in for a while now. Did you bite your tongue the entire time the two of you were dating and now find yourself about to explode?

    Bookmark   May 6, 2013 at 12:52PM
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It has only been a couple months that I've been feeling irritated with his son, last summer we had a great time together we had some hiccups here and there, but that is normal, this year I am not sure how summer will go... Yes the spoiled child syndrome I saw that while we were dating but I don't think I realized how much his son stayed with grandma and that its not just dad letting him walk all over him, I am realizing this now as I spend more time with his family and see the way he talks to grandma and cousins! Lately his son has become more negative and more withdrawn, it might be him realizing these intruders are not going anywhere or maybe just jealousy setting in big time... That's why I'm looking for ideas I love them both very much and any ideas on how to try some new ways to turn things around. He is only 9 so I'm sure he will come out of this funk, and also better tacks on bringing things up to dad would be helpful too. Thanks
Side note- dad not being on my side does get frustrating! I think my positive side and knowing there are other families that have made it work keep my head up.

    Bookmark   May 7, 2013 at 8:04AM
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"I don't think I realized how much his son stayed with grandma and that its not just dad letting him walk all over him"

So SS stayed with his grandma a lot?

If your DH is not willing to parent his son, and gives you a hard time when you try to correct him, I'd tell DH that SS has to stay with his grandma. If that's been the case all along, why change it? You need to focus on your son.

"Dad feeds into his every whim and every conversation even if his talking butts into our convo" OMG, my exBF's son would do that ALL the time and it drove me crazy! I'm used to kids not interrupting and interjecting into adult conversations. But it never changes. I talked to BF about it, and he started correcting his son when he would butt in. Then after a while, he got lax about correcting him. After we broke up, I had to stop by his house to pick up some mail. I was talking to exBF about this and that, and his son butts into our conversation and exBF did NOTHING to stop him. They might change, but only for a while, and then it's like they regress.

People don't change unless they want to and even then it's hard for them to break old habits.

    Bookmark   May 7, 2013 at 11:01AM
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Hon, other families have made it work because both adults are on the same side. You are in "a house divided" and it cannot stand. You need to decide if you are willing to put up with this situation forever, because as long as your husband does not parent his son that's how long it will last (and get worse).
If you are not, you then need to decide what you will do if it looks like nothing will change. Then have a serious talk with your husband and let him know what will happen if things do not change. He is not doing his son any favours allowing him to grow up so undersocialised and this lad will struggle as an adult.

    Bookmark   May 7, 2013 at 11:42AM
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I just wanted to say things have been going a lot better, me and dad sat down had a talk about some of the things I've been holding in for awhile. It feels like a weight has been lifted alil. I am more in control of situations, I speak up before I sit an stew on it, I think part of it was I was holding in, in fear dad was going to hate me/ be mad at me, but I am home all day with kids, so why should i hold a grudge to a child? I should not, I've been looking up lots of chore charts, behavior charts and dinner menu charts since my SS is alwAys telling me what he wants to eat, well he can plan the meals lol, what helps is me opening up and dad really getting behind me :). We still have situations where we don't agree but at least we talk about it. I still have situations where his son does some annoying habits but I walk away, or I tell him, "I'm not mad, I don't hate you, but right now I'm cooking dinner/cleaning, and in 10-30 minutes you can have my full attention, if you want to help me and not be in the way I'd appreciate it." I tried to explain to him about his talking/ and standing in my way is like him trying to watch tv or play his favorite game and me blocking the tv and talking to him, annoying right? Lol. I just have to find ways to say things with out hurting his feelings he does not realize its rude. My own son has been kind of an issue lately. He is realizing saying "you hate me" gets him what he want with my ex! It's hard hearing "you hate me mommy". At 7:30am cause he wants candy and I say NO. Well anyway. Things are looking up and I'm glad I opened up!

    Bookmark   October 3, 2013 at 9:21AM
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Thanks for the update, Superbuggin. Glad you were able to talk things over with DH and ya'll are working it out. When SS is blocking the TV, just tell him to get out the way. You can say it in a firm but not mean way. I think SS is just used to getting attention all the time and doesn't understand the world does not revolve around him. It'll take time but hopefully he'll start to adjust.

By the way, if your bio son says he hates you because you refuse to give him candy, congrats, you're doing your job! I think all kids say that about their parents sooner or later. I bet he's saying that to guilt you into giving him candy. Just let him know it's not going to work.

I would tell my girls, you are free to feel however you want about me, that does not change my decision. :)

    Bookmark   October 4, 2013 at 3:58PM
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