How to deal with my sister??? Sorry its long

mom2emallMay 15, 2010

My 22 year old sister is either losing her mind or just plain desperate to hold onto her bf. She has always had a difficult time in social situations. She does not keep female friends and goes through boyfriends quickly because she is jealous and insecure. She pretty much smothers them! I blame my mom for her behaviors. My mom had an affair and my sister was the result. My mom remarried another man, not my sisters father. My sister never knew her father. My mother had issues I will not even get into and was pretty much in bed from the time my sister was school age on.

Anyways me and my two other sisters always try to help her. She has lived with us all at different points and it always ended up in us making her move out because she is just a difficult person. She lived with us for about 6 months. We did everything to try to help her. We cosigned on a car for her and helped her with the downpayment. We offered to let her live here rent free if she would go to college. I told her she would just need a part time job to take care of her car payment, car insurance, and whatever spending money she would need. I filled out the financial aid paperwork for her. Because my mother is on disability and the father listed on her birth certificate is retired with little money she would qualify for lots of financial assistance. When it came time to register for classes she began fighting with me and telling me I am not in charge of her life and its her business.

So I said well if you don't want to go to school you will continue to pay rent to live here (which she disliked because we made her share a room with oldest sd.) I expected her to do chores around my house which she threw fits about. My feeling was that she was a part of the household. Her rent was minimal and I cooked all her meals and she packed our food for lunches at work. She used our detergent for laundry, our soaps and shampoo and conditioner for showers, etc.

After a few months of her just being a witch to me and throwing hissy fits anytime I asked her to help out I told her it was not working and she had 3o days to move. She did move within that time frame.

Now my problem is that she met some new guy at her work. Within a few weeks they were "roomates" because she wanted to get out of her friends home that she was currently living with. Now they have been "roomates" for 2 months and are talking marriage and kids. This guy is still married and has 2 kids. He has been seperated for about 6 months from his wife and his wife is also living with someone else now. Their marriage is over.

But now my sister was at my house for dinner last week with this guy and tells me they want to have a kid! She told me she has been off birth control and they have been actively trying to get pregnant!!! I tried to hold my feelings in, but could not do it. As nicely as I could I told her what a mistake that would be. I pointed out that their jobs don't pay much and that they are barely paying their bills as is. I pointed out that they should wait till his divorce was done and they were married! I told her she is young and should be traveling and furthering her education and buying a house, etc. She said she is grown up and ready to be a mom!! Then she pointed out that I had a kid at 19 and everything worked out.

I know thats true, but I am different than her. She will have this kid and do nothing with her life but sit on welfare. She has always lacked motivation to do anything with her life. The only good thing is that she has kept the same job for 3 years. She of course got upset with me and did not listen. My other 2 sisters have told her the same things I did when she talked to them about it.

But her thoughts have not changed and she is actively trying to get pregnant by her 28 year old married boyfriend!!!

I just do not know what to do!! I am so sad for her. I just know this will not turn out well. She barely knows this guy. Any ideas girls????????

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kkny

She sounds to me like she has self-esteem problems. I am sorry for her. It sounds like you have done your best. Has she tried counseling.

    Bookmark   May 15, 2010 at 8:17PM
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finedreams

agree, self-esteem issue, did she ever go to Alanon (because of your mother)? counseling? I would advice her to do that, if counseling is too expensive then Alanon, it is free. is she the same sister that has weight issues?
maybe get her some literature on self-esteem issues and how not to need a man all the time?

seems you tried very hard with her...

    Bookmark   May 15, 2010 at 11:11PM
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mom2emall

This sister is not the one with weight issues. In fact she is a beautiful girl. But I know she has some self esteem issues. She is on meds for anxiety because she has social anxiety. And she gets mad real quick. She is always mad at at least one sister. Her latest is that she is mad at one of my sisters for being friends with her bf on facebook. Even though her and her bf hung around my other sis and her bf everyday for weeks and they all became friends my sister was mad at her sis and bf for being on eachothers friend list! Its insane.

    Bookmark   May 16, 2010 at 10:26AM
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finedreams

...facebook again, how many more relationships and marriages does it have to damage? what's the sister's need to chat up other sister's BF on facebook? I remember you had problems with someone's wife over FB chats with her husband. Frankly if it hurts someone especially your own sister, got to stop FB right there. too much drama with Internet social sites.

    Bookmark   May 16, 2010 at 4:05PM
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lovehadley

UGH. What a mess.

Unfortunately, aside from voicing your opinion, there is not much you can do. :( Your sister is going to do what she's going to do.

I think it definitely sounds like Al-Anon would be good for her. Is your mom an alcoholic? Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACOA) would be good, as well, but sometimes those meetings are harder to find.

    Bookmark   May 17, 2010 at 12:17PM
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