Snubbed by In-Laws

froggy_growFebruary 12, 2008

My husband and I got married in June in a very small ceremony in front of a judge. My brother- and sister-in-law were invited of course, but they did not show up. They live in another state and they only had a few weeks of notice. I sent them an announcement and an invitation to a party a friend threw in our honor, but no acknowledgment.

I also sent an expensive gift for Christmas. Again, no acknowledgement. I would have appreciated a phone call to let me know the gift had arrived.

My husband speaks to both his brother and sister-in-law many times a week, so it is not as though they are estranged. I'm very frustrated by this. It's not as though I'm angling for a gift, but I feel as though we've been completely ignored.

My question is: How should I handle this? I would like them to know how I feel, but I do not want to appear pouty or overly sensitive.

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let your husband handle it.

or, let it go.

    Bookmark   February 12, 2008 at 12:26PM
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This time, Talley Sue is TWO hundred percent right.

I only want to add that I understand why you are hurt, and I know it isn't easy advice to take. But believe me, it's the only way that isn't going to make you feel even worse.

    Bookmark   February 12, 2008 at 3:52PM
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I agree as well. My question is, have you discussed this with your husband, does he know how you feel? Since your husband speaks to both his brother and sister-in-law many times a week, he clearly has a good enough relationship with them to at least broach the subject if he feels as you do, that it needs to be discussed. It's really up to him to clear the air.

    Bookmark   February 12, 2008 at 6:01PM
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They may also have said to him, "hey, congratulations!" and even "hey, thanks for the gift" and feel that's enough, assuming that he'd pass it on to you.

Also, if they only had a few weeks notice of their brother's wedding--one they are close enough to talk to several times a week--they may be just a little bit hurt.

Or, they may be sort of clueless, thinking that they should only sent some sort of acknowledgment if they actually ATTEND the wedding. And they're not the first relatively ordinary people to not say thank-you for a Christmas present.

Don't make things worse. Try to let it go.

I suppose, next time DH is on the phone w/ them, you could say, "hey, sweetie, ask them if they liked the Christmas present, I was anxious to know."

    Bookmark   February 12, 2008 at 11:32PM
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Thank you for the advice. I know I should let it go. For the record, my husband is aware that I'm hurt. He mentioned the situation to his brother, who replied, "Well, we're not that close." They do speak frequently and we took care of two of their children for ten days(without a word of thanks), but they're "not that close". Maybe there's something I don't know about, but the whole thing seems like a slap in the face. I know it's not directed at me.

    Bookmark   February 13, 2008 at 8:25AM
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So, they didn't even send a (wedding congrats) card? How crappy. Been there, done that.

Relatives / Christmas.. gifts, cards.. nothing. Been there.

You can't change their behavior but you can change yours. Mental note.. stop sending gifts if they can't thank you either by phone or card. It's that easy.

Next, give it time. Over the next few years you may get closer, you may not. Some families are this way.. trust me, I know. Do not lose sleep over it because it's probably them and not you.

I hate to say this but the real test might come years down the line. Say your hubby gets hurt. If you call them (which is the right thing to do) they sound like the type that won't call you to see how he is doing, will call his cell instead or call the hospital directly and settle for the little info they can get :( Yeah, I've been there and done that too.

I don't have time for people like that in my life. I don't even send the holiday cards any more. I do the bulk of card sending, to some of his relatives that I do have a relationship with; the others, well he writes out if he gets time. We've been married for 6 years now, together for 9. It used to eat me up. You have to let it go in what ever way you can or it will eventually interfere with your relationship.

Good luck

    Bookmark   February 13, 2008 at 9:11AM
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Frankly, they sound like people I don't want to be 'close' with -- let DH deal with them and keep quiet about how you feel - although I suspect he knows..

    Bookmark   February 13, 2008 at 4:46PM
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I was surprised when we got married - my husband has a lot of sibs and we are on good terms with all of them - some sent cards and gifts, some just called or emailed, a few totally ignored the entire thing! My own brother, to whom I have sent gifts and traveled across the country to attend both his weddings, never said a word. All I can say is, the current level of manners in our society is just sadly lacking. Without making a fuss, I have simply stopped sending cards and gifts to those who do not reciprocate or acknowledge. I'm still perfectly friendly toward them but they have set the stage for a reduced relationship so let it be. In the end, it's easier on you, anyway.

    Bookmark   February 21, 2008 at 12:52PM
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Hi . . .it's me again. No word from in-laws. A friend of ours is having a party in our honor and, of course, I invited the in-laws. They haven't responded (there was an RSVP with a number). I'm just about to give up on these people! Trouble is, my husband wants to give their kids money for college, and I'm having a little issue with that now.

    Bookmark   March 7, 2008 at 11:53AM
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I would have a lot of trouble w/ giving the kids money for college. I don't know if you'll ever have your own kids, but I think that your financial strength should not be siphoned off in this manner.

Even if what you do w/ that money is fund your own retirement., or cushion yourselves for big financial disasters.

If he wants to give them money for birthdays, small amounts, w/ the intent that they'd save it for college, that's one thing. But a big financial present needs to be something you both sign off on, because it's both of yours money.

Suggest that he set the money aside, and that ownership of it stay w/ the two of you. Insist that he say nothing to anyone about it being for the kids. Then later, you can together decide what to do with it. Your relationship is new; new to the two of you, and new to his family. What the relationships will be like is still forming.

But he can certainly tell his brother that he'd like them to be a little more polite to his wife.

    Bookmark   March 10, 2008 at 4:00PM
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Are you sure they even received your invite? Perhaps you can get your husband to tell them that you were worried they didn't even get the invite and were upset because you hadn't heard anything. If they did receive it and haven't replied then all you can do is just accept it. Your husband can ask if they were offended but, but you might as well stay out of it.

If they're well off a gift would be nice, but, you should never expect one.

Oh... Don't continue sending off expensive gifts hoping for a thank you or because you feel guilty.

Here is a link that might be useful: K.i.s.s Wedding Etiquette Advice

    Bookmark   March 17, 2008 at 6:35PM
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