step's point of view please

koritsia123May 7, 2009

I need a stepparentÂs point of view. I'm the biological mom. I live with my husband and my 2 daughters, ages 11 and 16. We married last year. I was already having big problems with my 16 yr. old before getting married. After getting married the problems got even worse and have caused a lot of problems in our marriage. We are dealing with her, setting consequences, being consistent, etc. She is about to start going to her fathers house on the weekends because she doesnÂt follow the rules here and I am like a hostage in my own house. The problem I need help with is with my younger daughter and my husband. She is very sweet, follows rules, does fine at school, etc. IÂve never had a problem with her  ever. My husband is a good man, raised 2 nice kids, hard working and loving to me. He is generally nice to my younger daughter, but she wonÂt warm up to him. This makes him angry and he says sheÂs rude for the tiniest things. My daughter is very well behaved and not rude. When sheÂs reprimanded in an unfair way, she becomes sad. He nitpicks for the dumbest things until she finally answers hims and then he says sheÂs rude and shouldnÂt answer back. Because of the problems with my older daughter, we are often in a bad mood and I feel like he takes it out on my younger one. Anytime I try to talk about it with him he blows up and says that I always blame him for my daughters problems. IÂm not blaming him, I just want to let him know how it makes her feel and suggest some alternate ways of communication. IÂm tired of arguing with him. I didnÂt talk to him for almost 2 days until last night when he insisted I tell him what was wrong. All I said was "IÂm just sad about this whole situationÂ" and he started yelling that IÂm blaming him again, bla bla blaÂI understand that itÂs hard for him to live with kids that arenÂt his and that aren't warm with him. I love my husband but I am seriously considering leaving him. I really wanted a heatlhy, 2 parent home for my daughter but she is feeling stressed out too now. I don't know how much of this is because of the problems with my older daugther.

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"We are dealing with her, setting consequences, being consistent, etc."

At this point, ONLY YOU should be dealing with her, setting consequences... and be consistent. Your new DH may be supportive of you but if she resents him (and as a teen, she may even resent you telling her but she will resent it more if he is involved with that stuff this early in your marriage)

"but she wonÂt warm up to him. This makes him angry and he says sheÂs rude"

It sounds as if your DH has unrealistic expectations of an instant family. He should consider himself lucky she shows him respect since that isn't always the case. Love and a close relationship take time and effort to build.

"I really wanted a heatlhy, 2 parent home for my daughter"

This is also another unrealistic expectation. You are a blended family and yes, that's 2 parent home but it will most likely not be just like a nuclear family.

    Bookmark   May 7, 2009 at 7:29PM
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You many need to work on your daughter before you worry about how your husband feels about it. Just because you married you still have to put on your big boy pants when it comes to an out of control teen. You are also going to have to put on your big boy pants were your husband is concerned with your younger daughter. If not younger daughter is going to withdrawal and your going to have round two with her.

Your husband needs to realize that the kids didn't marry him you did and they didn't sign up to love him til death do you part. If he is lucky they will learn to like him then if he is really lucky one day they might love him but being a jerk isn't going to win him any brownies with your girls.

    Bookmark   May 8, 2009 at 4:43PM
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I agree that you need to focus on the problem child. He may think you are not capable of straightening her out and is hyper-critical of the younger girl in an attempt to prevent her from turning out the same way. I am very critical of my wife's 14 year old son, with good reason (at least I think it's a good reason) and have a hard time letting her deal with him, mainly because she doesn't. I don't know but maybe go to him and reassure him that you got this under control and the younger girl is NOT the same as her sister. He probably figures he can take a couple more years with the problem child then she's out the door. I didn't catch how old the younger kid is, but you know where I'm going with this. Men like to fix things whether they're broke or not just to prevent them from getting broke. At least the things we care about. Know what I'm saying? Good luck.

    Bookmark   May 8, 2009 at 11:51PM
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Might I suggest some family counseling.

    Bookmark   May 12, 2009 at 4:00PM
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I'm curious, koritsia...are you greek by any chance?????

anywyas, i think you and your hubby need to sit down and gently put it to him that you are not blaming him, it takes time for someone to warm up...especially at 11...she may be close to menstrating..hormones was an iffy time for my sd...mood swings or just quiet zones at times. I knew it was her hormones. HAd to explain that oneto my husband..he had no clue.
Your hubby maybe also more cautious with her because of the 16 year old. That's a given...its automatic response.
You also need to sit down with 11 yar old daughter and calmly speak to her and tell her not to be sad. He deosn't understand.
I think all of you need some bonding activities. All of you together.

ANd a side note....greeks in their culture tend not to go to psychologists...but to their priest. We've been taught that way. Depends of course on yoru up bringing. i know peope are bringing up counciling but if that root wont do for you then try your local priest or community centre. It did help for in my situ. i tried a councilor...just didn't do...went to 2 helped.

    Bookmark   May 12, 2009 at 5:28PM
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