Why is my dil so cruel??

SerenitynotFebruary 5, 2013

I would like a wedding coordinators opinion - is the following in bad taste? or am I too sensitive..my son was married a couple of months ago, i was seated in the back table at the reception, by the kitchen, and prevented from being in the photos. When I asked the wedding planner about pictures with the grooms family and the mother of the groom she said, not on the schedule! I was stunned. The night before he told me I was the best mother in the world, of course I had just deposited $10,000.00 in his account. A month before the wedding the bride sent me the dress she wanted me to wear, she got it for $50.00 off Amazon, she wore a $10,000.00 Vera Wang that my son bought for her. I knew she was controlling but i was always tried to see the good in her and accepted her.

Now there are hundreds of pics online with her family - not one of me and mine .. They re indignant that I dare feel bad because I was seated in the back and didn't get my picture taken, They tell me that it was THEIR day and I should just keep my mouth shut..I didn't see it coming, although the bride said before the wedding that she thought me, a single mother, and my sons were too close..well, she's just done a great job of breaking that up. I feel completely shutout and it has been devastating..

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Sadly, it will be this way unless your son steps up and says something. If she is this controlling this marriage will probably end in divorce. I am sorry you are having to go through this.

    Bookmark   February 6, 2013 at 7:42PM
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Your are not senstive, just deeply hurt. It is too bad you gave him the money. At the reception, I would have moved and insisted that I be in some of the pictures, and if all else fails, remind your son that you just gave him 10,000.00 and if you are NOT in some of the pictures just walk out. But stand up for yourself, because sad to say your son didn't. What do your other children say? Don't give any more money and be vocal. Let them know how you feel. Change the locks on the house so they cannot get in to take whatever they want. Be firm!!! Even if your son trys to come to you with whatever excuse, tell him he must bring his wife with an apology. If you see the relatives on the street or???just smile and go on. Just reply, I am sorry, I cannot talk now. See you later and go on. I would be so mad I probably would yell and scream and cry.
But then I can't imagine any of my friends to allow this to happen.

    Bookmark   February 9, 2013 at 8:44PM
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I really disagree very strongly with marie-ndcal's post. The OP is up against a very tough situiation and she has to act with as much maturity and tact as possible.

Yes, by all means have a frank talk with your son and DIL. No "screaming and crying" etc. Tell them factually how you feel and specifically what happened at the wedding that hurt you. It may or may not open their eyes, but it will be out in the open. Changing the locks, cutting the relatives? Not necessary, IMHO. No need to drop the atomic bomb in the first skirmish of the war. Maybe there will not be a war, I hope.

    Bookmark   February 11, 2013 at 3:03AM
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As a wedding planner, the comments made by the bride's wedding planner tell me that she was told by the bride what she was to do regarding your participation in photos and your seating. I am surprised that the photographer agreed not to take any photos with you. Most photographers would have at least taken some of you and your son. You really need to have a talk with your son and let him know how you feel. You were treated very rudely.

If it were me, I would have either given the couple money early on in the planning or waited until after the wedding, then offered something. If you had given it afterward, you would have had the opportunity to gently tell your son that the choices they made were inappropriate and you can't support them.

    Bookmark   February 15, 2013 at 12:50PM
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HERE HERE SWEET PEA!!!!! well said

I totally agree... have a frank open, calm talk with BOTH of them,,,, it may o may not help ( probably not) but t least u have made your feelings known.. I've been in a similar situation...... Afterwards..... smile and be cordial and kill them with kindness, but stand your ground. Do not let them walk all over you.... Accept their invites/ extend invites as u normally would....

    Bookmark   September 9, 2013 at 7:26PM
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thanks to you all for your comments..to the wedding planner, I offered money long before the wedding, they wouldn't take it...a first. I believe now that they planned to cut me out, only took the money the night before because they probably really needed it. As an update, they are determined to blame me for their behavior at the wedding, and they refuse to apologize. As a matter of fact the bride is still insisting that I apologize for feeling bad! Now they're saying they didn't realize the seating would turn out that way, and that their wedding planner was wrong, I should have been in the photos. Shifting the blame. I know that the bride set it up this way, but I wish my son had stood up to her on this. I let it all go because I want my son in my life..I have to admit though that I will never get over it..but what can we do? Accept what we can't change, right?

    Bookmark   September 21, 2013 at 6:51AM
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Although your header is Why is my DIL so Cruel?? your son played a role in this scenario as well.

I can understand your need to drop this issue to keep your son in your life, but I would be very careful not to pay such a high price for his presence that you lose your dignity and they lose their respect for you.

Do not apologize. You have nothing to apologize for. You can't control them, and if they are unwilling to acknowledge wrong, you may have to let that go, but under no circumstances should you ever take unmerited blame.

Always be direct about what you need and what you expect. If necessary, attend a few therapy sessions to learn strategies to maintain appropriate boundaries with this couple.

And don't give them any more money. An important element of maturation and independence is learning to manage with your own resources, not depending upon the generosity of others.

    Bookmark   September 27, 2013 at 3:57AM
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Readinglady is absolutely correct. If you want to keep your son in your life, you have to settle this with him. Forget about the daughter in law. Have a talk with your son, let him know how you feel, how taking your money and then treating you like that is terrible.

And make it clear that he shouldn't come to you with requests for money or other material assistance unless this is settled. Good luck!

    Bookmark   March 13, 2014 at 11:16AM
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Your DIL is terribly insecure which makes her behavior inexplicable cruel. She feels threatened by your relationship to your son/her new husband.

Talk to your son, alone, to make sure he understands how you were made to feel on the wedding day re seating and no photos. Then keep the lines of communication open with them, whether by simple email, occasional phone call, inviting them over for dinner, etc. Be the bigger person; it's really difficult because of the way you've been treated but it will pay off in the long run if they eventually have children - you want to make sure you're involved and not cut-off completely.

Do you have any other grown children (siblings to your son) that could also speak to him - gently - about all this? Or if not, perhaps another relative who he respects? Worth a try.

Speaking from experience, it's also possible DIL might be suffering from a form of bi-polar or some other mental health issue that has not been treated or even diagnosed. In our case once the correct medication was zeroed in on, my SIL became a completely different person and treated the family much, much better and is back in everyone's good books.

Best of luck to you.

    Bookmark   March 13, 2014 at 11:35AM
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