Why am I not surprised by the latest DIL drama?

imamommyMay 23, 2010

Well, got a call at work this morning from DIL... well, it started out as a recording from a corrections institution, letting me know the call was being recorded. Yes, DIL managed to get herself arrested. For what? What else but a DUI? She didn't exactly give me much detail, wanted to know if I would bail her out.

All I wanted to know is "WHERE IS THE BABY?" It is her time to have him & now, I have concrete proof of what she is doing when he's with her. That is not going to happen again. She had left the baby with her friends at her apartment & he was fine. We picked him up and have him now. She won't be keeping him overnight again if I can help it... she will have to take me to court for that to happen.

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she will have to take me to court for that to happen
Good for you, Ima!

And I'm sad to hear that she's not showing any signs of being a half decent mom.

    Bookmark   May 23, 2010 at 8:51PM
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Thank goodness you have the baby.

    Bookmark   May 24, 2010 at 2:08PM
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It's funny that a week ago, she was upset that I took the baby shopping with me & wasn't back by the time she was picking him up. She told my DD to tell me that 'this is MY time!" and proceeded to tell my DD to tell me that I can go f*ck myself. Of course she would not say that to my face...

And a few days later, she needed a battery for her car. I resisted the temptation to tell her I was too busy f*cking myself to go buy her a battery for her car... I got her a battery for her car because I felt she needs to have a car to get around. In some pathological way, I still feel sorry for her. and that was last week.

I just found out this morning how lucky she really is. She actually ROLLED the car. THANK GOD she didn't have DGS with her.. and that she didn't kill anyone, including herself.

Because she is 20, not the legal drinking age, it will be worse for her. She won't need to worry about having a car, she won't have a license. What a mess!

And I got a call from her adoptive mother... the one that refused to come to the baby's first birthday party because I was going to be there (and I was the one throwing it) DIL was telling me nobody would answer their phones for her, and I guess her mom wanted the details so she called me rather than answer her daughter's call.

    Bookmark   May 24, 2010 at 4:29PM
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Very lucky indeed that she didn't manage to kill somebody (I have zero tolerance for drunk drivers), but I'll give her a bit of credit for not having the GS with her. Makes you wonder where he'd of been had her friends not been available though.

There's nothing in the visitation agreement between the DS and DIL that states you'd have to deliver/pick-up GS upon request for the visit/time if she can't do the running herself, is there?

She did this to herself (messed up, and can't blame you) does it maybe mean you can now enroll and take GS Monday through Friday to daycare which would give the GS stabilty and a set schedule and give you some peace of mind?

    Bookmark   May 24, 2010 at 5:07PM
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I don't know what the legal steps should be, but she should not have unsupervised visitations. I hope your son is going to divorce her otherwise your grandson will be in danger 24/7. sorry, what a mess

    Bookmark   May 24, 2010 at 7:23PM
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"she should not have unsupervised visitations"

& make sure her "supervision" really exists.

Years ago, I worked with a woman whose ex was an out-of-control alcoholic.

After he totalled a car while the children were in it (drunk, drove off the road & hit something immobile like a tree if I remember correctly), visitation was limited to times when his mother was present.

Time after time, his mother lied for him.

One night my co-worker got a call from Dallas CPS;
her children were in a shelter.

Her ex had picked the kids up & gone to a bar.

He sat the kids in a booth with some chips & soft drinks, & he played pool for hours, drinking the whole time.

At some point, he accused another player of cheating.

A fight broke out, & the ex was killed in front of his kids.

My co-worker was pretty shattered at the time, but she told me later that it was the best thing that could have happened for the children.

still gives me the shudders.

    Bookmark   May 25, 2010 at 4:11PM
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Well, she went to court yesterday & the Judge released her. She came straight over to my work & asked to see the baby. I asked her who she left the baby with when she went off... she said her friend, tried to tell me it was my son's idea to have that guy living there. I don't think so, like he would have another guy shacking up with his wife while he risks his life to pay the bills! I told her we are going to do supervised visits.... she said that isn't acceptable because her getting a DUI had NOTHING to do with the baby ~he wasn't even with her!~ and stormed out. Then, she called me when she got home & again told me that I can't keep the baby from her. I told her we will have a Judge decide what happens as I don't think she has the judgment needed. She screamed & hung up on me.

Then, today I get a phone call from a deputy. He is under the impression that I am keeping the baby from her & he starts to give me the what for, about she is the mother & I cannot hide the child and keep him concealed. I told him she knows where I live & he's in daycare. She knows where the daycare is. I explained everything leading up to my decision & he backs down. So, thinking it's over I sent an email to my attorney & finished my day at work. On my way home, another call from a different deputy.. again, he has the impression that she has custody & I am stealing her child. I read him the custody agreement & explain the whole story to him too. He says that's good enough for him & tells me if she pushes it, he will need to actually see the paper. Fine. I think it's over... finish on my way home.

Well, my phone rings & it's her. She asks why she can't take the baby tonight since she usually takes him on Wed. but since I didn't let her have him last night, she wants him tonight. OMG! HELLO! CRAZY GIRL... DON'T YOU REMEMBER THAT THE LAST TIME YOU HAD HIM OVERNIGHT, YOU GOT DRUNK & LEFT HIM WITH WHOEVER WAS THERE, WRECKED YOUR CAR & WERE ARRESTED?????

I mean does she really believe that it's all water under the bridge and we are going to continue per the agreement?? like it never happened? REALLY? So, I tell her that I am going to try to get in front of a Judge tomorrow & she will have her opportunity to sway the Judge to give her custody or unsupervised visits... but it's up to the Judge. She starts out saying "well the agreement says..." and I cut her off & tell her the agreement says 10am-5pm and it's 6:30 now... I am going to the court before 10am and you will just have to wait to see the Judge. She hangs up on me.

So, here we go.... what I have been dreading all along.

    Bookmark   May 27, 2010 at 10:50PM
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Oh Ima, you know that no matter how much it sucks you are doing the right thing. We are all behind you. Keep us posted. . .

    Bookmark   May 28, 2010 at 1:18AM
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oh my, imamommy, I feel terrible for you, but stay strong, you are doing right by the child. You don't know what judge might decide but it is not up to DIL for sure. IMA MAKE SURE YOU TELL THE JUDGE THAT THERE IS A STRANGE MAN LIVING IN THE HOUSE WITH THE BABY. And the baby is left with strangers while she is driving drunk.

good luck, stay strong, hope everything is decided soon

    Bookmark   May 28, 2010 at 6:20AM
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How awful. Thank God the baby is OK.

imamommy, I know the last thing you need to worry about right now is court, but you've got to file for an emergency hearing ASAP. I know that in my state, it's only about 72 hours from the time that the custody agreement is being unilaterally changed until the deadline for filing, or technically then it is you who would be violating it by withholding the baby.

her getting a DUI had NOTHING to do with the baby How sad and frightening if she really thinks that way. She is 20 years old and got drunk and wrecked while the baby was in her care (even if not physically present) and she thinks that has nothing to do with her parenting abilities (or lack thereof)? Let's hope the judge doesn't see it that way.

Good luck to you.

    Bookmark   May 28, 2010 at 7:31AM
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Where's our update?

    Bookmark   June 1, 2010 at 10:42PM
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Well, I let her sit in jail until her court hearing on Wed., so that was 4 days. Apparently, the Judge released her & I have been too busy to go up to the court to look at the file. The jailer told me that she was sentenced to 4 days w/ time served... case closed. I'm sure that's not all, but until I go look to see if she plead guilty... if they reduced any charges... if they gave her probation... fine? I won't know until I go look.

She has sent the police after me three times. Twice on Friday I was contacted by two different officers (on two different shifts). The first one seemed to be under the impression that I stole DGS and was hiding him. He was surprised when I told him that she knows where I live, she's lived with me before & that she knows where his daycare is... I am at work & he is in daycare. Nobody is hiding him! I told him the whole story of how I ended up with DGS & what has happened to make me want to do supervised visits. I told him that she can go visit him at the daycare as long as she doesn't cause a scene or try to take him. She is not authorized to take him out of daycare. He changed his tune toward me... I thought it was over. After work, I was contacted by another officer who said I can't keep DGS from his mother. I told him the story & showed him the agreement my son & DIL wrote.. they both notarized it. He said that was good enough for him, he went away & I thought it was over. So, next day I am work, an officer shows up and again... I tell my story. He changes his tune when I tell him he is the third officer that has contacted me. He tells me that she is the mother, I am the grandmother... even if he doesn't like it, she has rights, I do not. I show him the power of attorney that my son gave me and he ends up telling her that the power of attorney gives me the right to stand in my son's place, so I am not acting as grandma... I am acting as dad. Without a court order, Mom & Dad are equal & she has no right to take the child until a court makes an order. He tells her to go get an order. The rest of my weekend was peaceful.

Yesterday, my son tells me she is agreeable to supervised visits. She calls me, sounding desperate.. "I just want to see him.. PLEASE. It can be supervised, I haven't seen him in over a week." So, I tell her I will bring him by after work. I take him to her apartment. She lets me in & I sit nearby while she plays with him for a bit. After a few minutes, she starts getting irate & accusatory. She starts yelling at me, asking me why I am doing this to her? I stay calm, tell her I did not come here to talk to her, she is supposed to be seeing & spending the time with her son. She continues to yell at me, blaming my son for her drinking. She says he gave her money to buy the alcohol. I tell her that she is 20 & not old enough to drink.. if he gave her money, it doesn't justify her drinking with DGS in her care & leaving him with a guy. (She claims the guy in not her boyfriend... that he was just there because my son gave her the $20 to perform sex acts with this guy & wanted her to send pictures of it to my son.. which I don't believe for a minute!) I believe he gave her money because she tells him she needs things and I won't give her money... and I haven't given her money in over two weeks... since the week before she got arrested. She tells me that it's none of my business what she does.. I tell her it is when my DGS is involved. She said she didn't even start drinking until he was asleep. Then she starts telling me how she is going through some crap & waking up in the night screaming & my son told her to have someone there every night because her screaming wakes the baby & scares him, and that guy was just there to take care of the baby if she can't in the night. (wait, wasn't he there to take pictures with???) and I tell her I am not going to argue with her, she got drunk & left DGS with this guy... whoever he was & whatever he was doing there is not my concern, she has no business getting drunk at all, let alone when DGS is there. I told her she can get drunk every other night of the week but when he's there, HE needs to be her top priority. She said he is, that is why she had someone there to take care of him in case she couldn't. I was getting frustrated so I tell her I need to go. She grabs the baby & says BYE. She tells DGS "Grandma's crazy!" and I tell her that she only asked me to bring him by. I tell her I am filing for guardianship & if she agrees to allow me to be guardian while she gets help (parenting class & help for substance abuse) then we can continue with the same financial arrangement. Otherwise, I will go to court without her consent and a Judge will either give me guardianship or give her custody. If I get guardianship, she will have to pay me support & she won't get anymore money from my son. If she gets custody, they will set an order of support that isn't going to be enough for her to live on. She says she isn't going to agree & would rather have me write a new schedule for her to see DGS but keep the same money arrangement. She finally gave DGS back to me when I agreed to bring him back to see her again today.

My attorney says the only binding thing we can do is a court order. So, I am going forward with my petition for guardianship. I am not going to place myself in the position again to 'supervise' her time with DGS. I am going to hire someone today (a professional supervisor) to take DGS to see her. The problem with doing that before I have an order for it, is she can grab him like she did and refuse to let him come back and there is no recourse until a court makes an order.

So, I was hoping she had time to reflect & think about it. I guess it was wishful thinking on my part... she is still full of excuses, blaming everyone else & just wants it her way. She has no remorse for what she has done or appreciation for anything I've done.

    Bookmark   June 2, 2010 at 10:37AM
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Oh my God. That is just awful. Would it maybe be better to have visitation in your home? If you both currently have equal rights and she is being supervised by someone but in your home might that make it more difficult for her to grab him and leave?

It sounds like she needs a lot more help than just parenting classes and substance abuse. Wow.

    Bookmark   June 2, 2010 at 11:21AM
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i am glad you're filing a petition for guardianship! How long of a process is it?

I think you are absolutely doing the right thing here for your grandson.

Please keep us posted!

    Bookmark   June 2, 2010 at 2:37PM
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I live about 7 miles from her (country roads) and she no longer has a car. She lives in town & I live in the country. The only option is for me to bring him to see her or find a place in town that she can get to. I told her I will pay for & provide transportation to parenting classes & the supervised visits. I think it would be best for me to have nothing to do with the visits because she wants to spend the time arguing with me.

At least if I am not there, she will be forced to focus on the baby. A professional supervisor will not listen to her or allow her to spend the time trying to state her side. That is for the Judge. If she were to pull that with someone else, they would end the visit.

    Bookmark   June 2, 2010 at 4:12PM
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oh my, this is all hideous, terrible. do not go to her house, it is too dangerous. and hurry up with court order.

and honestly I know your son does not need all this but he needs to know about that guy and about the whole "sex pics" story, how hideous. you do not need to pay for her parenting classes or whatever, if you get guardianship do not pay her anything. until people stop enabling her, she won't get any better. she will never take responsibility for her actions.

    Bookmark   June 2, 2010 at 7:59PM
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Amen FD.

    Bookmark   June 2, 2010 at 11:11PM
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This is disgusting! Ima, please take care of that baby! I'll be praying for a favorable outcome! I wouldn't put it past her to hurt the baby just to get at you.

    Bookmark   June 3, 2010 at 10:29AM
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Oh Ashley, You are not the first person (and I mean IRL) that has said that.

    Bookmark   June 3, 2010 at 11:36AM
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Is there anything that can be done now to ensure that she can not be alone with the baby?

It is so horrible; I understand that the courts don't want to make decisions on what people say might happen or could happen but when any rational person would not allow a child to be in a situation it would be nice if the courts would act before something bad happens rather than after, but it unfortunately seems to not always work that way.

    Bookmark   June 3, 2010 at 12:43PM
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Wish me luck!

    Bookmark   June 8, 2010 at 8:44AM
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Good luck! I will say a prayer that all goes well and for the judge to have wisdom and clarity.

    Bookmark   June 8, 2010 at 8:57AM
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I am happy to report that temporary guardianship was granted to me. DIL was given supervised visitation.

She showed up with her mom, stepdad & an attorney. The attorney had the same last name as her mom & stepdad, so maybe a family member. He argued that she only signed the agreement to give my son custody because it was the only way to get money and that constituted "duress". That did not impress the Judge. My attorney pointed out that she signed the agreement six months ago & has lived with it. So, then she started crying and saying that her parents won't get to see the baby... from what she had told me, they never did anyway. She has told me they don't even talk to her, so I was surprised to see them in court with her. Well, the Judge said that they could supervise the visits so then they will be able to see him too.

Now, if it can be proven that they promised to supervise the visit (which includes overnight on Saturday *only at the grandparents house*)and they allow DIL to have him at any time unsupervised, they will have to drag me back to court to get to see him & I will oppose them 'supervising'.

I know quite a few investigators, I may retain one soon.

    Bookmark   June 8, 2010 at 2:21PM
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You did what you had to do and I'm so glad it went in your favor. One night a week at grandma's with BM will be easy enough to keep a close watch on and hopefully GS will have good supervized care and a chance to get to know his other GMa. You gotta give them a chance (with a careful watchful eye on them of course)

I hope DIL does not contact the son and upset him and fill him with her crap and lies about this. She gave you no choice and son should be assured you had his and his son's back the whole time.

    Bookmark   June 8, 2010 at 2:38PM
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In the process of getting ready for the hearing, the court required me to contact ALL grandparents & let them know about the hearing.

I left a message for DIL's mom. A short time later, I got a call from DIL yelling at me to leave her family alone & stop harassing them. Her mom never called me back.

I left a message for DIL's dad. Her stepmom called me back and filled me in on why they have very little to do with DIL. According to her, it is DIL that refuses to call or see them, not the other way around. Seems DIL has burned her bridges. She even told me of an incident where DIL sat and watched her half sister (her mom's bio daughter with SD) almost drown. She had fallen into water & DIL (a teenager at the time) did nothing to help her & after that, the mom sent DIL to dad. Dad put DIL into what she called "discipline" schools. She told me that DIL told them my son was an illegal drug user. She told me that her dad was racist & didn't like my son because he's Mexican. She also told me how DIL uses sex to manipulate men (I already knew this) and seemed very supportive of my petition for guardianship.

and then I got a call from my son's father. I had left a message with my son's aunt. THAT was fun!!! [dripping with sarcasm!!!] The aunt got on the phone and tried to negotiate me giving my son's father every other weekend with the baby. Then he got on the phone & said he wants to be able to see my DGS. I told him that it's been a few years since I've been to the town where he lives, but if he wants to come up here... I have no problem letting him see DGS. He has been in & out of prison over the years & stopped seeing DS for several years, isn't working, has no car & the chances of him showing up is pretty safe to say 'nil'... so I humored him & said 'whatever'. Then he agreed to not object to my petition but said he couldn't make it because he has no way to get here. Talking to him almost made me physically ill. That was pretty much to hardest thing I have had to do.

Glad THAT is over.

We have a hearing for permanent guardianship on July 8th & the court investigator will be doing a report for that. My son & I have been discussing all of it & he knows this is what needs to be done. Now if she calls him, he can say that he has no authority either. Guardianship suspends BOTH parent's rights.. so my son has no say. Of course, as long as what they want is in my DGS's best interests.. I am inclined to do what both parents want. Just that right now, it's not best for him to be with her while she is out getting drunk, bringing home guys, & leaving DGS with strangers... especially when she told me that the only reason the guy was there was to take pictures of her having sex with him!

    Bookmark   June 8, 2010 at 5:15PM
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good news, but wouldn't your son want custody at some point? what's his take on permanent guardianship by you?

    Bookmark   June 8, 2010 at 5:40PM
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when he returns from Afghanistan, if he is able to take custody of his son (he will be stationed in Georgia, I am in California) then he may petition the court to remove the guardianship. I would not contest it... he hasn't done anything that would make him unfit.

    Bookmark   June 8, 2010 at 6:19PM
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I know he is not unfit..I just hope he divorces her. I wondered if the decision could be reversed, it is good to know he has the rights to reapply.. Certainly under the circumstances you should be the guardian since he is deployed. Hope everything works for the best for everybody, especially the little one.

    Bookmark   June 8, 2010 at 6:44PM
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You Go Girl!
It's a good thing you know the court system. Good for DGS and sanity-saving for you.

    Bookmark   June 8, 2010 at 8:00PM
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I'm proud of you, Ima!
And I bet your son is too.

    Bookmark   June 8, 2010 at 8:10PM
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I think the only thing that may keep me from giving up the guardianship to my son would be if he reconciles with her. He can do what he wants, but they would have to fight me to get the baby back into that situation.

and I have been on cloud nine today... such a relief.

    Bookmark   June 8, 2010 at 9:00PM
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I found it ridiculous that you were required to call your son's father who is not even in the picture, like he cares all of a sudden...

    Bookmark   June 8, 2010 at 10:15PM
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That's such good news. Try to get some rest today now that the worst of the stress and worry is over; take care of yourself.

    Bookmark   June 9, 2010 at 8:19AM
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Wow I just read the whole story, what a nightmare! But congrats on the good outcome!! Good on ya >

    Bookmark   June 9, 2010 at 11:17PM
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