Out of my hands... Frustrated. (Long)
I need a ramble. Please bear with me.
Remember back when BM got pregnant and I saw it playing out two ways??
1) She'd get so wrapped up new baby and her BF that A__ would get the cold shoulder.
2) She'd try so hard to make them all into a family that she'd pull A__ away from us.
Well, it's more scenario 2.
She no longer calls to see if we want to have A__ (she's very self-centred, so if she doesn't need us to "babysit", then she doesn't bother maintaining the A__/Us relationship) but she badmouths us to A__ saying "I guess your dad doesn't want you, because he didn't call to see if he could have you"
And, well, I see her point. I encouraged DH to call to see if we could have A__, and he didn't... But she still shouldn't say something like that to A__! And I'm not about to call anymore (we'll get into that later).
A__ needs a good relationship with his mom's BF. But BM is cultivating her BF as A__'s new dad and it makes me angry. She's said stuff like "Your dad won't need to put you in soccer next year because my BF is going to teach you to skate and will put you on a hockey team."
Now that she doesn't think she needs my DH to be A__'s dad anymore, DH is dog's breakfast. F--k.
And I can only do so much. I can encourage DH to call to see if we can have A__, but I can't MAKE him. I even said the other day, point blank, "If you want to continue being A__'s dad, you have to put some effort into it. Kids start growing away from their parents at his age, and BM doesn't need you to watch him now that she has BF and will be going on mat-leave for a year, so she's not going to push it anymore." OK, so maybe that was snotty of me, or a little too harsh-reality, but DH just got pissy.
And, as for what I said I'd come to later:
I've seen BM pulling A__ away for months now, and realized that to not get MY heart broken, I had to disengage a little from A__. That was sad and hard for me too, but I can't pour my heart and soul into him to have him taken away bit-by-bit.
I also got fed up with DH who expects me to do the majority of A__'s care, while he either sits on his tooshie and ignores us OR criticizes how I do it. "Look buddy, if you're not going to take care of your kid yourself, then don't b17ch about how I do it!" So I now leave most of the A__ care to DH. Which I know is hard for all of us, but it's better than when DH and I are fighting about A__, and I wind up mad at A__ because that's easier than being mad at DH. Since it's not poor A__'s fault, I try VERY VERY hard not to take it out on him, but sometimes that's hard.
This was all definitely exacerbated when BM still needed us. She'd call last minute and demand that we take A__; DH would just volunteer me to drive/watch him/etc and then would be grouchy if I had other plans. I suppose the bright side is that now that she's pulling A__ away, that part's not an issue.
Long story short: I'm not instigating anymore.
Anyhow... I'm so frustrated!
I can't make BM not be a twit.
I can't make DH be accountable for his relationship with A__.
I swear I'm the only person who sees that they both make bad decisions out of laziness and that a confused 10yo is caught in the middle of it.
**Runs around house screaming and tearing out hair, before collapsing on couch in tears**
Phew! I feel better for getting that off my chest.
Any suggestions on what I can do? I've accepted that I can't change the situation, but how do I cope with it?