Do I have the right to say no (Bridesmaid)

Qtebaby786January 20, 2011

A friend of mine recently got engaged and made me her bridesmaid. I've only known her for about year and a half but became really close to her. Her MOH planned a "get away bachelorette" bash with the 5 bridesmaids and the bride and 4 other close friends. She wants to "wild out" one last time. They plan to go to Vagas and do the whole strip club, clubbing, site seeing experience. I really wanted to go but i'm not comfortable with going to strip club AT ALL. I also am not so excited to leave my husband and go when he and I wanted to go to Vagas together (we've never been). I told the MOH I can't go and my husband is not comfortable about it but she wouldn't take no for an answer. That only just made my husband look like a controlling freak which he isn't.

I don't have a CLUE how to get out of this but I also know that my friend who is getting married will also be upset because when she made me her bridesmaid she specifically told me she wants me only because I'm not like the others where I will judge her and that she is comfortable with me and can share everything. If I dont go, she might think I am judging her and the rest of the girls on what they are doing (which I'm not) and may also think that she made a mistake in choosing me. I don't want to loose her as a friend. I am totally stuck in the middle between choosing my and my husband's feelings and my friend's feelings. Is there a way to get out of this? Please help!

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duckie

Is going to the bachelorette party a requirement of being a BM for this bride? Generally it isn't, but some brides become overly controling of such things. Tell her you won't be going to Vegas, but that you hope she and the others have lots of fun. If she seems to want you to step down, then you can. But I dont' think it will come to that. Sounds to me like the MOH may have more riding on the bachelorette party than the bride has.

Don't put too much emphasis on the idea that your DH is uncomfortable with it. You are uncomfortable with it. People in general will support your refusal due to your feelings much better than the notion of your refusal due to your DHs. Depending upon lots of circumstances, that will come across as controlling and not healthy.

    Bookmark   January 20, 2011 at 6:23PM
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asolo

"I don't have a CLUE how to get out of this...."

Umm......and how old are you?

Years ago I was invited to a number of "bachelor parties" sorta maybe along the lines you're fearful of. If I knew what was happening and wasn't comfortable with it, I refused. If it seemed OK but turned out to be something else, I left when things turned seedy.

Be yourself. You can turn it off in the beginning or anywhere along the way. Friendship doesn't cover this ground. You need to know who you are. Whether others respect your boundaries or not is up to them. You're the one who defines who you are and what your limits are. Everybody else can go fish.

    Bookmark   January 20, 2011 at 8:48PM
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talley_sue_nyc

Tell her you can't afford it? Money is pretty hard to argue with, which makes it useful.

Or, tell her that it doesn't sound like something you'd enjoy enough to spend that sort of money on. It's just not to your taste.

And if you have to, then use the bride's comments against her--tell her that YOU value her friendship because SHE doesn't judge YOU. That she lets you be yourself, and "yourself" isn't comfortable with spending that much money for a trip that will involve things you won't enjoy very much and might even feel uncomfortable about.

It's completely unfair for anybody to pressure you into going on a trip, especially an out-of-town one.

    Bookmark   January 20, 2011 at 11:08PM
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gellchom

I hear you. I've been in similar situations. Although I completely agree that you don't have to go, if you're sure you don't want to, I know what you mean about it being hard to decline without fearing it will make you look stuck-up or judgmental.

I'm not sure you can completely make it fine, but you can make it good enough, if you know what I mean.

I agree: don't blame it on your husband. At most you can say, "Cuthbert and I have never been to Las Vegas, and we promised to go together the first time," although she might take that as sort of petty (if she even believes it!). I like Talley_sue's idea about money. That's the easiest way in and out of it, unless you think they will offer to treat you. But then you could just say you'd be uncomfortable with that.

I think the key is to get past your decision not to come and on to "But you guys have a GREAT time!" as quickly as possible.

If you have a suspicion that they are going to feel like you are being stuck-up or judgmental, consider sending flowers or a bottle of champagne to their suite as a surprise. Then you are definitely not being a killjoy.

    Bookmark   January 24, 2011 at 2:05PM
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scarlett2001

From the Book of Assertive Rights:

#1. You have the right to say NO.
#2. You have the right to be the judge of your own behavior, assuming your behavior does not take away the rights of another.

    Bookmark   January 29, 2011 at 3:27AM
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sheilajoyce_gw

Bridesmaids spend a bundle these days for the privilege of being in a wedding. (gown, shoes, jewelry, hairdo, makeup artist, shower, gifts, parties and bachelorette party) This is one expensive bachelorette party with hotel rooms, transportation, and lots of meals out. I would not spend money like that for something I do not want to do. Tally Sue gives excellent advice. Take it.

    Bookmark   February 21, 2011 at 9:22PM
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suzieque

Qtebaby, perhaps you could come back and acknowledge the answers you've been given and give us an update?

FWIW, I'm not one for making up excuses - tell the truth. If she doesn't accept it, apparently you 2 aren't that close, after all.

    Bookmark   February 25, 2011 at 4:19PM
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sweet_pea10

Why make excuses? Simply say that you regret that you will be unable to attend. The reasons are your business, not the MOH's. Since this is a bachelorette party, it is probable that you would be asked to cover a portion of the bride's expenses, which could then make the trip really spendy. Just say no.

    Bookmark   February 28, 2011 at 12:24PM
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