Lies and Abuse

mmae33May 22, 2010

Hmm, as I see the subject of my post I think I have my answer...but I would still like to hear all opinions!

Back in March, I posted about my SS abusing my DS. The boys have both been through psychological testing and it's been determined that SS has some serious issues, sexual in nature and also wanting to hurt others. DH still somewhat in denial and has not gotten his son into counseling yet. We separated due to all this over a month ago, simply because I wanted to keep all of my children safe. DH thinks I'm over-reacting, of course, to everything. He is the only one who does not think his son has a problem (as far as me and the counselors and psychologists go).

Since our separation, we've continued to see each other thinking we could maintain our marriage but live in separate homes. We've kept our money together and paid bills, bought groceries, etc., together. BUT I have twice caught DH in lies. He gave his son his cell phone back (which was the catalyst to this whole situation and he SWORE his son would never have a phone again), and lied to me about SS use of it. He said he only gave it to him so when he was home by himself he'd have a way to call if he needed something. In the three weeks SS had the phone, he had about 700 minutes in calls and 1200 texts. He had it early in the morning, during school, and late at night. The way I know this is because SS phone is on my cell phone account and I was able to check his usage online. When I asked DH about it, he continued to say that SS only had it at home for an emergency. He said he had the phone on his desk at work and I was like, really? Then how was he using it at school today??

Second thing my DH did, while not technically a lie, it certainly sent up a red flag to me. We've always shared everything, but he does have his own cell phone account because the cell phone company will only allow 5 lines per account (we have 4 children). I've always known his passwords, user ids, etc., and I check the bill online to make sure the payments go through. When I checked it yesterday, he's changed the password! He also changed the password on his email account, which he's had for years.

We've been married for 9 years and have been through some very difficult times, but nothing has compared to these last few months. Now I feel betrayed on top of everything else! I feel like he's hiding something from me. He cheated on his first wife and I've had suspicions in the past about him cheating on me too. I hate to give everything up, but it just keeps mounting and it's almost more than I can handle. I can't think of any other reason for him changing his passwords. Any thoughts???

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Just that I'm thinking you should go with your gut here.

    Bookmark   May 22, 2010 at 5:46PM
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My only thought is get out of this marriage, no matter if cheats or not, just get out, it might be tough at first, but you'll be OK. Good luck.

    Bookmark   May 22, 2010 at 6:18PM
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Did he change the password AFTER you checked the cell phone usage/account online? I'm thinking so and that explains him changing the password.

BUT I agree with the other posters that it probably would be best for you to leave the marriage. I think deep down in your heart you may know this and are *looking* for reasons to do so...but honestly, you don't need anymore than what you already have! This man's son abused your son. And while he very well may have his own psychological problems and need therapy, and does deserve some empathy...that doesn't change the fact that he ABUSED your son. And so long as you are married to this kid's father, he is going to be on the perimeters of your life AND your son's life. This kid is STILL, at the end of the day, your husband's SON and your husband loves him. I'm not even saying he shouldn't. As parents, we do love our children unconditionally. I think about what I would do and how I would feel if my daughter hurt someone....and I know without a doubt, I would still love her with every part of my heart, would still give my life up for her, etc. NOTHING she could do could take away my love for her.

So--that is probably where your DH is coming from. And the problem is, you don't need that. You need someone who is 100% on your side and who will do EVERYTHING to cut this kid out of your son's life--your son deserves that! But your DH can't (and really shouldn't) do that. So I think you need to be the one to do it.

Protect your son and file for divorce. I know it sucks and I am sad for you. But I think you know in your heart this is what needs to be done.

    Bookmark   May 22, 2010 at 7:13PM
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Be sure to do something about your bank accounts, etc. soon.

    Bookmark   May 22, 2010 at 9:17PM
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