Strange Wedding Question

cursivesailorJanuary 19, 2009

Some of you who have read my post before will know this, but for those of you who dont.....

My fiance and I decided to use the money that my parents would have spent on a big wedding, and put it towards building our house. We plan on getting married right as the house is finishing up being built. We are going to do a small immediate family only ceremony. But we were planning on having a huge "We Got Married / New House Warming" party at our new house with catered food, open bar w/ bartender and possibly even a live band. Very laid-back, casual party with everyone we know being invited.

So here's the question- should we do a wedding registery? I dont know if we should register for gifts since its going to be so casual. I am torn on whether or not to do it.

The only person I have talked to about it is my mom. She doesnt think I should because she thinks it might be "tacky" to register for such a low-key event. But then she threw in a comment about how she has sent presents to weddings she didnt even attend. So now she's giving me mixed signals.

We are getting married. There will be a reception. Its just going to be a super laid back party that's tied in with our house warming at the same time. What's a girl to do?!

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gellchom

I don't think it's the casual tone of the party that is worrying your mom. People register even when their weddings are beach bbqs. And anyway, you don't exactly register for an "event," as you put it, and it's true that you are getting married just the same as if you were inviting everyone to a big wedding. I think she is concerned that it might make it look to some people like you didn't care about having them at your wedding, but you still feel entitled to gifts.

People to whom you are close probably will still buy you gifts, even without any party at all. But your mom suspects that the existence of a registry suggests that you EXPECT them to do so. I'm inclined to agree.

Give your big party, and don't call it anything at all, just "a party." People will know that you just got married and that you just built a house. If they don't, they aren't close enough to buy a gift anyway, and if they do, they will ask what you would like. I wouldn't worry too much about not being about to buy things that come in patterns; you will probably get more cash gifts if you don't register, and then you can use the cash to buy that stuff.

    Bookmark   January 19, 2009 at 12:42AM
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luckymom_c

I have a slightly different view. The act of registering doesn't send a note to anyone to say "buy me a gift". But it does provide a resource for someone looking for ideas, such as what colors you prefer and what sort of things you're still looking for. So... you might want to register at one or two locations, and IF and when a friend or relative asks you'll be ready with an easy answer.

I re-married in my forties, I told my friends NOT to buy gifts, and even stated it on the invitations. But many people feel the need to show their affection through gift giving. I learned through this experience that having registered some very basic preferences at one or two stores would have been helpful and much appreciated by some.

Some brides today put small notes or cards in the invitations that indicate where they are registered. In your case that WOULD send the wrong message... :-)

Congratulations and best wishes for your future!

    Bookmark   January 19, 2009 at 1:57PM
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sweeby

Definitely register!

And considering that the only proper way to provide registry information is by word of mouth, Only If Asked anyway -- you wouldn't have to change a thing.

    Bookmark   January 19, 2009 at 2:00PM
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sweet_pea10

Your party will actually be a combination reception and housewarming party, so many guests may want to bring gifts. I agree with the suggestion to register but keep the information private unless asked. It is never socially acceptable to include the little cards in your invitation and to do so would really send the wrong message, but to have a place that close family and friends could go to see what you need would be helpful. If you don't abuse the registry idea, your mom might be more accepting of it.

    Bookmark   January 19, 2009 at 5:46PM
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sheilajoyce_gw

If I read your post correctly, the wedding and party will be held on the same day?? So that makes the party your wedding reception, no matter how fancy. Register for gifts. Many will want to bring a wedding or housewarming gift, so do. This is your wedding day, and treat it accordingly.

    Bookmark   January 20, 2009 at 4:44PM
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theroselvr

My fiance and I decided to use the money that my parents would have spent on a big wedding, and put it towards building our house. We plan on getting married right as the house is finishing up being built. We are going to do a small immediate family only ceremony. But we were planning on having a huge "We Got Married / New House Warming" party at our new house with catered food, open bar w/ bartender and possibly even a live band. Very laid-back, casual party with everyone we know being invited.

What is the time line?
What you're describing sounds like it could be an informal reception, and I wonder why you don't call it a reception?

I then wonder if it could be read into more, maybe your mom is upset that after she gave you money towards the house instead of a wedding, you're now doing your own reception. Are you spending near what she gave you?

How does she feel about this party?

So here's the question- should we do a wedding registery? I dont know if we should register for gifts since its going to be so casual. I am torn on whether or not to do it.

The only person I have talked to about it is my mom. She doesnt think I should because she thinks it might be "tacky" to register for such a low-key event. But then she threw in a comment about how she has sent presents to weddings she didnt even attend. So now she's giving me mixed signals.

I would register. People are either going to buy you a wedding gift or something as a housewarming gift, as a guest I'd rather know what you want/need then to guess.

We are getting married. There will be a reception. Its just going to be a super laid back party that's tied in with our house warming at the same time. What's a girl to do?!

I found your post at the building forum, looks like everyone agrees you should register.

I also read some of your building posts and don't doubt you are going to need stuff. Registering will at least give you things you need if they decide to bring a gift.

btw, our build was started in October and was done in March. Pretty sure it didn't take long after drywall. Just looked at my pics, by mid January it was sheetrocked and spackled, by March 16th the real front door lock was on, house was done.

Here is a link that might be useful: same post at building forum

    Bookmark   January 24, 2009 at 7:41AM
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cursivesailor

Rose- We are getting married on friday, sleeping in the new house as husband and wife and then waking up and having the party on saturday.

My mom is all for the party. We are spending everything they gave us towards the house. Actually, its already been spent! And now we are using money from the construction loan. The food at the party is just going to be someone going with one of those giant BBQ pits and bbqing and we will also be having someone out there boiling crawfish. Not sure if you know, but in louisiana a crawfish boil is a pretty good party just on its own.

Our builder said just about 90 more days!

Thanks for the comments guys!

    Bookmark   January 26, 2009 at 4:39PM
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bonelady

By all means, register! It sounds like a super party and since it is only 1 day since the wedding, there is no question about gifts being appropriate. Enjoy yourself and eat those mudbugs!

    Bookmark   January 30, 2009 at 3:40PM
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