Bad news...BM passed the evaluation!

lovehadleyMay 26, 2009

I don't know how or why but she did.

No treatment recommended.

AUUGHHHHHHH.

I am blown away, and totally upset.

She called DH all smug a couple hours ago and said she passed and it was a waste of time.

I don't get HOW this happened. I mean, with a police report documenting the incident, and a past DWI, how can you pass an alchol eval.

She apparently even TOLD them, all proud, that she has not had anything to drink since April 6th. If that right there doesn't show her indicating she has a problem, then what does?

I am so upset. "Normal" people do not get drunk and attempt to drive off with their child.

What really ticks me off is HER story, HER version in court and now, has been that she was NOT trying to drive but that SS climbed in her car.

I WAS THERE. I WAS SOBER. I KNOW WHAT HAPPENED.

I am so angry that BM waltzed through this. And NOW I am afraid this makes DH look WORSE, like he made a false allegation against her.

I swear on everything, this woman has had a drinking problem as LONG as DH has known her. HOW could they not recognize that at a treatment center? Unless the GAL did not do a good job of relaying all the facts...

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sweeby

Do you have independent verification of this?
Or just BM's gloating?

I'm so, so sorry...

    Bookmark   May 26, 2009 at 4:40PM
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lovehadley

Just BM's gloating, but I believe her.

She talked to DH right before she went in b/c he had to sign the credit card receipt via fax.

Then she called him after, and said she has the report with her indicating no treatment necessary.

I. Do. Not. Understand.

I am not trying to be vindictive here or hope that she failed. It's just that DH and I so badly wanted some sort of documentation regarding her alcoholism.

And now, armed with her new-found confidence, she is saying she IS going to modify the summer schedule AND she is filing a motion to modify school district.

It seems there is NO justice at all.

And what bugs me is that DH has no idea what information the GAL relayed to the treatment center. Did they get the police report? Do they know BM has a past DWI on her record? etc.

Soooo frustrating.

We are waiting to see what our attorney says.

    Bookmark   May 26, 2009 at 4:44PM
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kkny

I am so sorry. As I said originally, I don't know how an alchohol eval works. My prayers are with you (and anyone who gets near her on the road).

    Bookmark   May 26, 2009 at 9:20PM
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ceph

Baffling.

    Bookmark   May 27, 2009 at 12:01AM
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liesbeth

Yes it's baffling, but all too familiar for me. 'My BM' is also an alcoholic and has been known to drink and drive with her kids in the car. There have been plenty incidents where the cops were involved when BM got into a drunken rage and yet...when we ended up in court the court counselor did NOT want to have a bar of it. We were completely blown away by it and I still am, but that is how it was. Police reports have been written...and ignored.
BM walked away from court smiling and even got a compliment on how cooperative she was, grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

I also DO NOT understand how these things happen, but they do, I'm so sorry for you guys.

    Bookmark   May 27, 2009 at 4:41AM
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imamommy

I'm so sorry love... maybe I'm in denial a bit but I'd wait to see what the report says for myself. I wouldn't take HER word for it... she's interpreting it so maybe she only sees what she wants to see. It may say no treatment necessary but it may also indicate a problem.... just not so bad she needs treatment. Maybe it will still serve to document something. If nothing else, she WILL screw up again and when that happens it should discredit the quack that saw her this time.

Just keep documenting and try to let it go... for now. She will relapse and she may have confidence right now, that may actually work in your favor. An alcoholic with confidence will begin to think they can go have 'just one' and eventually PROVE the problem for you. Your husband just needs to be a little more diligent in keeping contact with his son when he's with mom... a nightly call at least. and he needs to act right away if he hears ANYTHING of mom drinking with his son in her care... to do nothing is to accept that it's okay and shows he isn't worried about it so it must not be serious. He needs to do whatever he can to keep his son safe because an alcoholic doesn't have the ability to make good judgments and they do put others in danger... my mom used to take me with her to the bars. I sat outside in front of the bar waiting for her to come out... usually at closing so I could drive her home so she wouldn't get another DUI. I can't remember how old I was but it was before I had a license... looking back now, she had me sitting in the seediest places... the bad part of town at 1 or 2 am... I was a teenage girl sitting alone in front of a bar. At the time, I didn't think of the dangers... I was an invincible teenager. By the grace of God, I survived my life with my alcoholic mother.

Maybe it's just me... but it pisses me off to the point of being infuriated to hear that she is throwing the blame on her son by saying HE tried getting in the car! He's a six year old little boy and she has the gall to twist it around and blame HIM to save her own ass? I can't say the words on here that are in my head... to tell you what I think of her because my post would be rejected... but that's the lowest form of life and NOT something a loving mother would do. That poor little boy is going to have to grow up with a mom that would do that to him... that breaks my heart.

    Bookmark   May 27, 2009 at 9:05AM
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nikemama

I would almost have to wait for the real report to come out. My Ex would lie like a rug about stuff. What is said and what she thinks she heard might not be true. Did they tell her that she was "Free to go, we had a positive meeting" and she thought that means no treatment or did they give her a clearence letter? She seems mentally ill so I really don't know what to think about all that. I hope it isn't true or that at least there is more to it then just that. SURELY!! Don't give up, it isn't over till Judge says so.

    Bookmark   May 27, 2009 at 9:14AM
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quirk

I was about to say something similar to ima... definitely see what the report says. I'm wondering if no treatment needed is what BM says but if it could say there should be follow-up? Or even if they say she's fine, but that is based on incomplete information and you can demonstrate she lied, or if it's based on her self-report that she has stopped drinking the first time your husband can document that she's drunk, there can be basis for reevaluation? I wonder how much information your husband will have access to? I know there are privacy issues on her side, but court-ordered based on custody and the child's well-being seems like he might get more info than simply whatever the recommendations are?

    Bookmark   May 27, 2009 at 9:18AM
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lovehadley

"Your husband just needs to be a little more diligent in keeping contact with his son when he's with mom... a nightly call at least."

He does call his son every night like clockwork to say goodnight. The problem is, he tries to avoid a conversation with BM so he rarely talks to HER. Sometimes she will jump on the phone, and she almost always calls back AFTER SS is in bed, but DH is better about screening those calls.

Sigh.

Thanks everyone. I am interested to see what the letter/report says. DH will get a copy of it soon, as the results are going to be open to the attorneys and all parties involved.

I do think that *maybe* she had her psychiatrist write a letter on her behalf stating that he is treating her. She was talking about doing that before. So it is possible that this treatment center decided that it is okay for her to receive care elsewhere. Who knows.

She claims at the eval. they did not even ask her if she's ever had a DWI? I was blown away by that. She had a DWI three yrs ago and blew so high on the breathalyzer that she was recommended (by the courts) for a weekend lock-down at a hotel as part of her sentence. They only use this for people who were extremely intoxicated---I guess b/c the courts realize there IS a difference between someone who has one glass of wine at dinner and gets pulled over versus someone who is out at a bar for hours getting hammered and then drives--like BM. When she got her DWI, it was around 2 AM and she got caught pulling out of a bar parking lot.

I am blown away that this did not even come up (supposedly) at her eval.

    Bookmark   May 27, 2009 at 9:31AM
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wrychoice1

Love,
Like the others, I would wait for the report. Most reputable substance abuse treatment facilities have moved to an evidenced-based model of treatment based on the Transtheoretical Model of Change, also known as the Stages of Change model. In this model, it is theorized there are five stages of change (with respect to altering one's behavior). Those stages are: Precontemplation, Contemplation, Preparation, Action, and Maintenance & Relapse Prevention.

The key characteristic of the Precontemplation stage is DENIAL; the individual does not believe the issue applies to them; they have a belief consequences are not serious.

When someone presents for a substance abuse evaluation and they are judged to be in the precontemplation stage of change, the report will often reflect no recommendation for treatment because the individual is not ready. At this point, the primary goal of therapeutic intervention would be to move the person to the contemplation stage. This would be done by asking the person questions such as, "What would have to happen for you to know this is a problem?" Or, "What warning signs would let you know this is a problem?" When someone presents in the precontemplation stage, the more you try to convince them they have a problem & need to change, the more likely they are to resist and become more entrenched in defending their belief they have no problem.

I had a person come to my office once, told me the most they had drank at one sitting was 2 liters of vodka. They had just been drinking the week before our initial appointment and they reported they "just flipped out." They couldn't remember exactly what happened but ended up arrested for assault and disorderly conduct. Of course, their inability to remember was not the result of a blackout and that they "flipped out" had nothing to do with the fact they were drunk out of their mind...I declined to take them on as a client and referred them for a substance abuse evaluation. Their response was they'd be back soon because they "knew" they didn't have a problem with alcohol.

Alcoholism, chemical dependency....they are insidious diseases....difficult to treat....infuriating, really. As a mental health provider, I find it the most frustrating issue to try to work with, so I stay far away from these patients....for my own mental health.

    Bookmark   May 27, 2009 at 10:03AM
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wild_thing

Agree with others. Wait for the report yourself. She may think she sailed through it but may not have the way she thinks.
Great post by wry too. Very informative.

    Bookmark   May 27, 2009 at 11:37AM
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wild_thing

Oh, I also wanted to add that if she is a true alcoholic then give it time. You give em' enough rope, they eventually hang themselves. It is just the waiting process that is tedious and frustrating. Hang in there!

    Bookmark   May 27, 2009 at 11:59AM
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doodleboo

How frustrating! Don't worry though. Like Wild thing said, she's gonna hang herself sooner or later. It took BM 10 years to finally get a record as a drug user. Once she was on the the radar she really went for the gold.

    Bookmark   May 27, 2009 at 12:22PM
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finedreams

if she passed it she would stop being careful and will get in trouble again, keep documenting everything, every day and every minute.

    Bookmark   May 27, 2009 at 12:42PM
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lovehadley

Thanks for all the input, everyone.

I talked to our attorney yesterday. She was shocked that BM passed.

She is waiting to get a copy of the report. Then she is going to talk to the guardian to find out what information he conveyed (if any) to the treatment facility. Then she is going to get an idea of what (if anything) he wants to do now.

She did warn me that the case is pretty much over. BM passing the eval. is very bad for DH's argument. Plus, BM has been having custody of SS as usual for the last 6 weeks, and things have been going smoothly. So DH really has no more arguments to make in regards to concerns for SS's safety. He brought his concerns up, BM did the eval. and now she has been "cleared."

So chances are---the case will be dismissed in early July for the next court date.

All we can do is, like finedreams said, keep documenting and hope that one of two things happens---either this WAS BM's wake-up call and she will stop, OR she will screw up again and DH will have more evidence to take her back to court.

The attorney did point out that we, no matter what, should not look at this as a waste. We sent BM a message, loud and clear, that that behavior will NOT fly with us. DH will do WHATEVER he has to do to protect his son, and our family. We gave her legal consequences for her actions and held her accountable. I did feel better after the attorney pointed all that out.

So....we shall see...on the bright side, BM is moaning about summer arrangements and our attorney went through their court papers, and it clearly states that there is no ROFR. YEAH! We are going to Michigan for 10 days in July and BM is threatening that she won't let that happen---but the attorney reminded me that technically DH has 6 weeks in the summer, and BM has 6 weeks in the summer, to be divided into 2 week increments. They will not really use all of that, BUT it's nice to know that we legally have that. So if BM makes a big deal out of our vacation, then DH can "threaten" her with doing the 2-week arrangement in the summer. There is no way she will want to go 2 weeks without seeing her son, so she will give in to Michigan.

It's crazy how this is how custody stuff works. Most people tend to work things out on their own, no matter what the court papers say--the court papers are more of a "worst case, back-up, if we can't agree" plan. Good to know.

    Bookmark   May 28, 2009 at 9:40AM
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finedreams

where are you going in Michigan? Up North?

    Bookmark   May 28, 2009 at 1:07PM
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lovehadley

FD, last summer my dad rented a house in Frankfort, MI on Lower Lake Herring.

We loved the location, not totally wild about the house itself, though. This year he found a place on Crystal Lake--Leland is the name of the town, I think? It will be a whole gang of us---the four of us, my dad, probably his GF, her kids, and my brother, and then a couple my dad is friends with.

We are so excited.

    Bookmark   May 30, 2009 at 6:23PM
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