My step sons are so negative and one of them might turn violent
Ive been married for a little over 3 years. My wife and I still live in 2 homes. We never consolidated our homes because we live 70 miles apart her in S. Cal. and because the housing boom over the last few years made it impossible to buy a home together. We spend all weekends together and some days during the week. Lots of driving and lots of effort. We are now looking for a home together but I have many, many reservations.
I have an 11 year old daughter from a past relationship and my wife has a 9 year old adopted daughter, 14 year old boy, and a 16 year old boy from her past marriage. One of her sons died over 10 years ago from SIDS. Her 16 year old son was very close to his brother. Hes never really gotten over the death. The 16 year old is also very small for his age. Hes maybe 4'-10' or even smaller and maybe is 50-60 lbs. Hes still very angry and sad over his brothers death, still angry over his mom and dads divorce, mad cause hes short, and finally he hates his sister because she was adopted right after his brother died. And now he hates me simply because Im there and I dont take any BS from any kids. I love them and do my part, but, Im very upfront and expect certain standards of behavior and respect.
Since the day I met his mom and her kids weve had to deal with angry outburts from her 16 year old, constant lying from the 2 boys, never wanting to help with chores, a total of lack of respect for their own mother, etc Her 16 year old needs to dominate every aspect of our lifes and if everyone doesnt basically bow down to him, he really gets mad and all hell breaks loose. His dad is finally starting to see what his mom has been begging him to acknowledge. Because of this ongoing situation his 14 year old brother is now this non-social very scared of everthing sorta kid and he to is now a bully to anyone he considers weaker than him and just a total pain to be around. Together and individually they are both very negative and hateful towards almost everything. They constantly bully their 9 year old sister and have even tried to do the same to my daughter. I of course have warned them to not go there with my daughter and for the most part they leave her alone. My daughter feels the need to help defend her step sister and is sick of watching them verbally and even sometimes physically abuse her. Ive even threatened to call the cops to have a talk with them if they continue to put their hands on their sister.
Now the sadness has really turned into real anger and we are faced with the real possiblity of violence. The 16 year old is starting to talk about wanting to kill his family, wanting us all dead, etc...We cant go anywhere with him unless he gets his way and he can speak to any of us in anyway he wants to. Over the last year or so I had to give my wife the ultimatum to either help fix this problem or if she continues to tolerate his behavior and doesnt get him help, I have to leave her and move on. I have to give her kudos and say she is making real strides, is waking up and facing the problem head on. In the recent past my wife had the tendency to want to defend her sons (mostly the 16 year old)actions by trying to convince me my daugters behavior is no different in many ways and is still very threatened by me and my daughters relationship. These are all defense mechanisms because of what shes faced with. She is really working on having a better relationship with my daughter and realizes that they all need help. Without kids my wife and I are best friends and all is perfect. Even with just the girls we get along great and she and my daughter have a healthy relationship. They are still working on it, but its getting there. If it was just the 4 of us our lifes would truly be drama free. She trys to remind my daughter that she loves her and trys to remember her when she shops, etc..
So...here I am. What can I do? Im now considering keeping my daughter away from her sons because of the threats, the constant negativity, the bullying, etc..Ive even considered a divorce. Now I have to live my life around her sons once again dominating our lifes over and over again. Because im the step dad I can only do and say so much and their dad is to busy being in denial to really do anything. He sorta trys, but not really. My daughter cant stand her sons and doesnt want to be around them. How can I blame her?
My wife is working on getting therapy for herself and claims she will be seeking the same for both her sons. Unless her 16 year gets the help he needs he is nothing more than a ticking time bomb.
My daughter and I talk about how we love her sons and our family but how we are at the point where something has to give or else I will have to decide to move on. We do not want to live with them full time. At least not now. I dont think we could handle it at all. How could we?
Any thoughts? I could sure use some!