Extremely sad, and just lost

Sea_Sea1984May 11, 2014

My husband and I met 3 years ago and the first part of him that I fell in love with was his little baby, that was about 10 months old. I spent our second date teaching him to walk, and we both just loved each other right away. At the time we met, my son was 7, and we had been a little team for many years, just me and him. He was immediately jealous, but when we were forced to move in with him and his family (mom and step dad) after having only been associated for a month, the boys grew close, and my son grew to adore the baby, same as me.

When we first met, I noticed that my future SS was so very spoiled that he would not even eat! Literally, he was barely skin and bone, and refused to eat for anyone but me, because I would sit and try and try and try to make him eat for as long as it took to get some nourishment into his tiny body. My sister in law and mother in law, whose lives I had just been thrusted into, had taken the job of caring for the child, because my future husband was young and terrified of being a parent, so he buried himself in his job (and drinking). His Mom and sister never put the child down, when he would not eat real food for them, they would give him fruit or junk food (cookies, pudding, koolaid, juice, formula) Now, I know many ppl will say that formula is not bad, but it was around the time where a child should be eating solid food, or at least starting to learn, and he refused. They had him very dependent on the pacifier and bottle. I switched him over to sippie and would distract him for the next few months with toys and singing, to wean him from the paci. They would give him the bottles back, and buy him more pacis! When he started getting used to actually eating for someone other than me, he would still refuse with the two of them and be given treats instead of good foods with vitamins. When I was teaching him to feed himself, they would baby him and feed him every bite (this is as time is passing, we lived there almost a year. I truly believe this child never would have learned to walk at all if my husband and I handn't met!

He was sleeping in our room, and would wake up to every noise, and cry all night. We moved him to his own room after a month or two of us never getting any rest, and everytime he cried, even if being put down for sleep, they would pick him up and scold us. I explained to him that a child of one years old needs to learn to calm himself down and comfort himself, or he will be very codependent his whole life. They would never listen to our wishes and our rules, they allowed him to do dangerous things, such as climb the stairs (I was terrified he would fall down them!) Needless to say, this caused a LOT of conflict between everyone involved. They were holding his growth process back, and I was trying so so hard to love him like my own, having fallen in love with his Dad. I knew I would be raising this child, and we had decided already to get married, so I wanted him to know that I was the mother figure, not the sister or mom of my husband. I know that sounds bad, but he was the person who started telling the boy to call me Mommy in the first place (his bio is never around, never has been, she chose drugs and gave him up)

The child needed a Mommy, and I love him and his Daddy, and them me and my son, so I just kind of took over, you know?

Eventually we were kicked out of his Mom's house, and found a place right away. I was pregnant after having had a miscarriage just before that pregnancy, and was having a lot of complications. My hubby and I worked opposite schedules at the time and never saw eachother. It was very hard, but a short time. The child and I started to have resentment toward one another, and I was working very very early hours. At night he would scream and scream all night long for no reasons that we could ever figure out. We would try everything to figure out what was wrong. I was losing so much sleep that I could barely work, drive, function at all!! I was so fed up that I tried to leave my husband countless times during that first year! Over fighting over his son!! Also, and this is still true today, any time we are around family or friends, he will break every rule he knows, say bad words, even start peeing his pants again! EVERYONE is a bad influence on him, whether they try to be or not.

We decided to move back to the city where we are now, and that was 2 years ago. My SS is now 3, my son 10, and our daughter together is 19 months, and I'm 3 months pregnant again. All the kids' birthdays are coming up, and we are moving to a bigger house. I have no help and never get a break, because now my husband is in the oil field. I've been working on packing and cleaning, while dealing with another difficult pregnancy. Potty training this child has been the bain of my exsistence ever since I first started. He will be trained for months and then poop his pants! It has been a very long time now, but I dread it happening again. He wets the bed because he is too lazy to get up and go in the night, no matter what I do. He knows what he is and is not supposed to do, ei. run in the house, color on walls, play with the soap in the bathroom, etc. He also knows manners, but 9 times out of 10 will NOT use them unless told to many many times.

I have began to hate the child, and I am terrified of having another one, when I cannot control the ones at home already. His family and my family basically have a war against me, because they know I have a hard time getting him to learn new things, try to be good/nice/share, disciplining him, potty training, and getting him to use manners. What do they do??? They undermine our authority with him all the time, make stupid excuses for him and his horrid behavior when they are around, and lie for him when he is caught sneaking junk food, someone else's drink, throwing a fit, saying bad words, or even just demanding something instead of saying please.

I am ready to give him to my mom or his mom at this point, or consider adoption for the bb I'm pregnant with, which is breaking my heart to even think of either. For all of our sanity and the well being of all of my children, something has to change!!! I am just exhausted from no sleep, from all the stress, and terribly alone. My husband refuses to accept that the problems have gotten so terribly bad that I am ready to leave with my kids, or give one of ours up. He thinks if he tells me enough times that I'm exaggerating that this will all go away. I'm ready to check myself into a LOONY BIN half of the time!!! I have no family that supports me, or will listen, I have no time for counseling, and my friends are all extremely flakey and untrustworthy. I need some help. What do I do??? I cannot even get him to learn ABC's and 12345!!!! I practice with him all the damn time and he REFUSES to learn!!!

I just cannot take it anymore, I'm too old to run away, and too tired to stay. I love my husband more than life itself, I am so lost....

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It sounds like your husband was content to let his mother and sister raise his son for him, and now that you’ve come along, he has no problem with dumping the lion’s share of parenting on you.

Even though you have been in this boy’s life since infancy, it appears that you have not been given full authority as the mother figure to the boy. The boy has you, his grandma, and aunt all trying to raise him in different ways. This boy doesn't know who his mother is, he's being told different things by the various authority figures in his life, it's no wonder he's acting out.

The primary care taker for this boy needs to be determined. Your husband needs to stand up to his family and tell them you are this boy’s stepmother and are responsible for his rearing.

If MIL and SIL do not follow what you say in regards to SS, then they should not be allowed to take care of him. If family members undermine your authority, then they don’t need to be around SS.

Marriage counseling is needed for you and your husband. The fact that he’s saying you’re exaggerating things and refuses to acknowledge there are problems is NOT a good sign.

A marriage is made up of two people, and BOTH have to contribute to making it work. It's very sad that you are married yet you feel so alone. You are right something has to change, it sounds like you get very little support from your husband.

What is your husband doing about his son’s behavior? What does your husband do when his family undermines what you are trying to do with SS?

What is your husband doing to help you out?

You say you love your husband, but does he show that he loves you?

    Bookmark   May 12, 2014 at 9:51AM
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IMO you need to make two exit plans. One temporary, one permanent.
You need to impress upon your husband that you're serious when you say, " ... the problems have gotten so terribly bad that I am ready to leave with my kids, or give one of ours up. " So let him know that unless you get effective family counselling and that he is fully with the program that you will indeed leave with the kids. If he does not, leave for a temporary destination (with family or friends, for instance) where you can stay for a short while until he sees that you really do mean business. Tell him, "I can't do this any more."

But, in case he won't make the changes (and from what you say there is a real possibility of this happening) you need a plan to move on to a more permanent split. Do not go back, it will only give your husband the message that whatever he and his son do, you'll put up with it. That's a road to the funny farm.

Be strong. As much as you think you love your husband now, if he's not on your side he's not worth standing by. If you put some space between you, you may feel such relief you won't know why you didn't do so earlier.

    Bookmark   May 13, 2014 at 9:25PM
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OMG, you lost me when you said you taught the 10month old to walk -- kids learn to walk, its not about you. If I were dad, and you told me you taught kid to walk, I would be rolling my eyes. Then that he was so spoiled, he didn't eat. He was 10 months old!! Whether you agreed with his feeding or not, he was 10 months old. It is not uncommon for 3 YO boys to have potty training accidents. Unless you adopted the child, you are not the mommy. I am sorry for your hurt, but this saga seems crazy. It seems like you think you get to call all the shots. Please get counseling.

This post was edited by kkny on Sat, May 17, 14 at 18:14

    Bookmark   May 17, 2014 at 6:17AM
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For someone who's only 3, this little guy has been through the mill., & it sounds like nobody's advocating for him.

don't know what the experts would say, but in my mind, ignoring the crying of a small child is neglect, & expecting him to "comfort himself" before he was even 3 years old is abuse, & it reflects a truly breathtaking cluelessness at best.

The fact that you now want to foist him off on somebody, seemingly *anybody*, even the people you first insisted were not taking good care of him, sure sounds like your sense of perspective is wildly distorted.

& that cannot end well.
not for you, not for this little one, not for your other children, not for anybody.

On the other hand, the title of your post sounds a lot like depression, which is dangerous and which you cannot cure on your own.

Please spill your guts to your husband (that's what those guys are there for, right?), & get some child care training, take a child development class, & see a good, experienced doctor for some support and/or therapy & maybe some good anti-depressants.

I wish all of you the best.

    Bookmark   May 17, 2014 at 10:41PM
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The thing that struck me in your post was that the bio-mother was/is a drug user. Did she use drugs while pregnant with this boy? There are well known long term effects of illegal drug use, and alcohol abuse, during pregnancy.

Given that he is three, and his history, I would recommend contacting your local school system and having him tested. Some of his behavioral issues maybe due to the effects of his bio-mom's drug use.

I also think you're expecting too much from a three year old at times. Expecting perfect manners from a three year old is unrealistic.

    Bookmark   May 18, 2014 at 10:02AM
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Good grief.

A 3-year-old child who cries & wets his pants doesn't have "behavioral issues".

I'd bet, if he has any "behavioral" problems at all, they're the result of post-traumatic stress stemming from the hellacious expectations, punishments, & chaos to which he's been subjected in his 3 years on the planet.

    Bookmark   May 18, 2014 at 4:32PM
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You took the words right out of my mouth sylviatexas!!!

    Bookmark   July 2, 2014 at 12:04PM
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This post made me cry. You've gotten a lot of good advice from the other posters, I hope you follow it. Please really think about this 3 year old boy and his future. He's been through hell and what he needs most is someone to comfort him, hold him and give him love. When you came into the picture you made a commitment to not only your husband but this baby. Bedwetting does not mean laziness. One of mine was a bedwetter til age 11 and it just had to do with her being a heavy sleeper. We'd sit her on the toilet in the middle of the night and she would go and not even wake up. It's ok, every child is different. Today she is a very successful business woman. I think your expectations for him, based on everything he's been through, are way too high. Just love him and teach him to love you back, the ABCs and all that will come later. And not to be mean or intrusive, but with all this on your plate, I don't understand why you keep getting pregnant?? I wish you the best and will keep all of you, especially your SS, in my prayers.

    Bookmark   July 3, 2014 at 6:20AM
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It's normal for kids to wet the bed from time to time until they are about five... Sometimes later. Get some pull-ups and use them every night. It's normal for a child to have potty training accidents from time to time until they are five and sometimes later. Good kids color on the wall and forget their manners. It happens.

You cannot expect more from a child than a child can do... That is abuse. Get some help.

Girl, it would not be the end of the world to give up a baby for adoption that you are unable to provide for.... Or to terminate a pregnancy. Make a decision and get your tubes tied either way.

    Bookmark   July 3, 2014 at 8:19AM
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You're in a situation that could turn very dangerous, very quickly, and for the safety of the children and yourself I would suggest you enlist in any help available to you. It doesn't matter that you do not have time- MAKE TIME.

Poor decisions are being made here. The environment is toxic- children at home you feel out of control of, then bringing another child into such an environment, and you stated the father already had no interest in raising a child, was disappearing and drinking PRIOR to getting pregnant the first time, let alone the second time. Feeling trapped at home and having nobody to reach out to is a bad situation- find someone, or at least find a hotline to call. They're very available.

As for the three-year old, developmentally he is not CAPABLE of doing all of the things you've listed out of sheer refusal, spite, or disrespect. Please check to be sure you're not taking a certain behavior he is exhibiting, and then assuming malicious intent.

He is the biological son of a drug addict. No stable family life, has had people coming and going for three years. Now, if all he has is you, I am going to use my expertise to say he definitely picks up on your disapproval of him, your angst, and impatience. His anxiety is likely through the roof, which increases behavior like bedwetting.

Finally, please take him to a physician. The biological son of a drug addict means he may face some developmental delays that haven't been recognized yet, but need to be. Also, at 3 years of age, not doing ABC's/123's, while you didn't go into detail about his "refusal" to learn them, might be a result of anything from the anxiety mentioned above, a hearing disorder, a sensory processing disorder, or even Asperger's/Autism.

You need to either advocate for these children, or else consider the adoption route, because they deserve a chance.

    Bookmark   September 6, 2014 at 12:16PM
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