my stepdaughter never include me on any of her achievements?

mahalkitaMay 6, 2011

Last month before she auditioned for a play, she personally consulted me about how she sound singing the song for the audition. I sing alot so I helped her and point out her flaws and what needs to be perfected. The following week, after she's been practicing the song, and me listening and pointing everything out, she got a part. Not the one she wanted but shes happy that she's able to be on the play. My husband told me that I've been very supportive and he thank me for that too. I would pick her up from her rehearsal. Would help her find stuff she needs. I was there for her a lot. Yesterday, we finally get to see her play and as I was reading the program and saw the casts bios. When I was reading hers, I cried. Her bio says that she thanked her "parents" (just her parents and a teacher) for everything and all the support. I was never included on anything. The other kids bios that have divorced parents have their parents and step-parents name in there. I tried to hide my feelings but my husband noticed that I was crying. I was really hurt. Very hurt. I don't know what to feel.�

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Could it be that she possibly meant you along with "parents"? If not, how old is she?

i think that maybe she needed guidance, adults (like her dad) could tell her what needed to be included on a bio. Kids don't think the same way as we do.

How long have we known each other? Is that a new relationship? Coudl she be generally inattentive person? Didn't want to upset her mother?

I have 100 questions because it is hard to comment not knowing all the details and background. tell us more...

I am sorry you are hurting, people could be insensitive (kids or stepkids or adults)

    Bookmark   May 6, 2011 at 4:21PM
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Sorry for the confusion but my husband and I have been married since she was 7. She is now 13. Here's more detail.

My stepdaughter I think is still in denial of her mom and dads divorce. And no, I wasn't the reason for the divorce. I came to my husbands life after the divorce. I have 2 kids from my previous marriage also. My husband has 2 as well. When I moved in with them, his kids were not as respectful as they are now. I literally turned that around and taught them how to respect and be trusted. Their bio mom appreciated me for that. And she said that she's always been thankful for everything I do with her kids. My stepdaughter listens to me and ask me for advice. She knows that I treat everyone the same, love them all the same. However, when my stepdaughter is around her friends, she introduces me as her aunt or just her dads "gf". Not stepmom or anything. Also when me and herbdad got together she was a "C" student. And because I was an "A" student all my life, I have taught her how to be one. Showed her what she can become if she puts her mind into studying. This goes to all our kids. All 4 of them are straight "A" students. When she was inducted to "Nevada honor society" just couple months ago, she did her speech and pointed at her real mom and gave her all the recognition. I've never seen her mom helped her with anything because they are with us all the time. They get to see her on weekends which she never have homeworks or projects. I help her with her projects most of the time. I don't want to stop helping her to be a better person buy the feedbacks from her and her action of recognizing people hurts me.

    Bookmark   May 6, 2011 at 4:32PM
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--"However, when my stepdaughter is around her friends, she introduces me as her aunt or just her dads "gf". Not stepmom or anything"--

I'm thinking it has very little to do with you. It may be something she has to work out for herself. Seems she may be a bit uneasy with her parents divorce and does not want to acknowledge the fact to others. She obviously related well to you when in the home and it's just family affairs. She also knows exactly who is helping her and supporting her in her studes and also encouraging and assisting with her individual talents.

Sure it hurts, I don't think your feelings should be downplayed at all...I'm just wondering if you've ever talked to her about how proud you are in her? Sure you are, and yes you are doing all you can to help her succeed, but do you tell her in words? She's at an age where so many things are going on with girls and she shuts you off to her friends and in public importance. I can't say why she does this but unless their are rifts between you and she at other times, I'd think it has more to do with her dealing with her parents divorcing and her feelings over that. Does she carry the thought that Dad and Mom might get back together? Some kids carry this thought for a long time. There is also maybe a sense in her that it is important to her mother to give mom lots of credit for being a great mom (whether the great mom is an actuality or not).

    Bookmark   May 6, 2011 at 5:01PM
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that's what I am thinking, she might be having issues with something else-like divorce, loyalty to mom..not you per se.

I do think it is weird to introduce you as aunt though, kind of rude, OK maybe dad's wife, but aunt? Why? I think your DH needs to tell her to stop, it is just weird.

I also think that enough time passed at least come to terms with divorce? If you married when she was 7, then they were divorced when she was 6 at most? 7 years passed? How much does she remember of them as a couple...

What does dad say? Does he understand how you feel?

    Bookmark   May 6, 2011 at 7:00PM
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My bio dad used to get so upset because I would say 'my parents' meaning my mom and stepdad. I didn't mean anything by it but they were my parents ... The ones I lived with and well... My parents. But my dd thinks of all 4 of us as her parents. When at either house, these are my parents. Maybe your sd means parents by ALL of you are her parents. She could have pointed out SM is the one that should get all the credit and my parents were supportive too... But... That may have put her in an awkward position with mom so she opted to say 'parents' and include you all in one word ... Maybe??

    Bookmark   May 6, 2011 at 9:03PM
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Thanks for all your responses. I have been a good stepmom from day 1. I give all the kids gifts when they do good at school. When she said that she thank her parents, she was being specific because she put their name there. When she tell her friends about her dad and my decisions, shed say "my dad wants me to..." not me, it's just either her mom or dad. I do tell her that I am proud of her all the time. We never had issues before because from the very beginning and every now and then I would tell her "I'm trying or will ever try to replace your mom" because I am a mother too". My husband and I have been talking about this all day today and he believes that we should talk to her. I can talk and she trusts me.

    Bookmark   May 6, 2011 at 9:35PM
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So she's giving credit where credit is not due & the people to whom she's giving it are...not correcting her?

It's not polite to call your stepmother/dad's wife an aunt or a girlfriend, & it's both impolite & dishonest to give someone credit for someone else's contribution or achievement.

Since her parents are willing to keep taking the credit & to allow the misrepresentations to stand, you can disengage & opt out of the mess;
tell her and her parents that you no longer can bear to give your utmost & get treated badly for your trouble & that you will no longer be exerting yourself.

She can get all the help she needs from her dad & her mom.

    Bookmark   May 7, 2011 at 4:31PM
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I would talk to her and ask, I believe dad had to talk to her long time ago. I could somewhat understand just saying "parents" in her bio but I think it is incredibly rude and just dumb to refer to stepmom as "aunt".

By this dumb logic if it is OK to call stepmom "aunt" it should be OK to call aunt "stepmom". Then my niece should introduce me as "stepmom". Just dumb! I think dad needs to ask what is going on.

    Bookmark   May 7, 2011 at 7:16PM
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I can TOTALLY sympathize with you!! I have 3 SD's - ages 29, 21 and 20. Two youngest live with DH and I. Their mother committed suicide in 2005 and I came into their life in 2006, married their dad in late 2007. Since I have been part of their lives I have done everything for them - taking them places, making sure they had updated shots for college, got them enrolled, made sure everything they needed was acquired and paid for, paid a lot of my own money for things they have needed or wanted. Taken them to many places, dried tears, stood up for them, took them on trip to NYC for a week, you name it. And after all this, I found out that the 20 year old and the married with 2 kids 29 year old have been talking horribly about me behind my back for god knows how long. Saying I was a lazy ass because I slept late on a Saturday morning, saying I wasn't a responsible adult because I apparently didn't do something they thought I should have done. They have never said thank you or given me credit for ANYTHING. On Mother's Day I didn't even get a hug or a smile - nothing. Instead the 20 year old moped around and then she and her sisters all went out to dinner together to "be together" in honor of their mother. I have NO problem with the girls missing their mom, but they act like BM was absolutely perfect and I'm horrible. My own BD, their SS, doesn't like them either and I feel like I have 2 separate families. My BD is married, lives an hour away and works full-time. I feel like I neglect her a lot in favor of the SD's who don't give a damn about me. Husband knows my feelings have been hurt by his daughters but he doesn't want me to talk about it or ever bring it up. I have lost that loving feeling for these girls and about to lose it with their dad. Don't want to, but it's hard to even look at them now. They don't know that I found out what they have been saying....should I confront them or just ask them "why?" I really would like to know, but don't want to start a war.

    Bookmark   May 10, 2011 at 1:10PM
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elizabeth, maybe you should start a new thread describing or even copying from here your situation, I think you will get more comments and possibly valuable advice. Your situation sounds very sad, i am so sorry.

    Bookmark   May 10, 2011 at 5:10PM
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