My SS doesn't get a normal childhood

momof3_stepof1May 7, 2011

We put my ss in baseball this year. His bm knew we were doing this. She said nothing about it, just let us do it. He has improved so much this year. He's doing really really well with it. He can almost hit the ball over the fence. So, she is court ordered 8 weeks during the summer. She fought for this, standard is 7 when distance is involved. She really wanted the entire summer but we fought back. (Just a reminder, she moved out of state, a 5 hour drive to be with a new man) Last night she texted my husband asking when school was out because she was going to be getting him as soon as it was done. She says she's putting him in programs at the Y. No offense here but with our experience, the programs at the Y are more for the kids with no abilities, just to have something to do. What he is in with us is competitive. He LOVES it. Anyway, my husband explained to her that if she gets him June 20, she'll have him for the last 8 weeks of the summer. BUT that he will not be able to finish baseball and that he'll miss the tournaments. He also has a GREAT chance at making all stars this year, which he is pretty excited about. He won't be able to do that either. She absolutely doesn't care about what her son wants what so ever. She wants him there. It's NOT because she cares about him, if she did she wouldn't have left him for a man. It's simply to prove a point to us. That she's still mom and still gets to call the shots.

We have 4 boys all together. They all live with us. They all play baseball. We couldn't just sign the other three up and not him. Plus he LOVES it. It'd be mean to not sign him up. She can't sign him up because the season starts practice in April, games in May. School isn't out till end of May. The way it is, he'll NEVER get to play. We can't keep signing him up and not having him finish. It's not fair to his team to do that every year. I just think it's so very very selfish of her to do this to him. She chose to move out of state, she chose to be with this new man over her son, now he has to pay for it. AND she doesn't care. She tells him "oh sweet pea, I love you more then anything, to the moon and back and more then anything in the universe" yet she still chose that man over her son. Her new man also chose her over his daughter. He abandonded his daughter, no longer has anything to do with her.... she's not quite 2 yet. The parenting time guidelines state that we can't keep him from her because of sports, yet it also states that if she wants him during that season, she has to provide something very similar to it. She CAN'T!!!! She CANNOT sign him up for baseball over in that state and allow him to play this. What are your thoughts about this? Do you all think she's being very selfish as well? She could easily come over here and watch him play, spend a few weekends here with him until she can get him for the remainder of the summer but she refuses. She'd rather spend her money on booze. (I also believe she and the new man are doing illegal drugs, but right now I can't prove it.... they look aweful and his sister just got arrested for possesion of heroin)

I also don't want my ss growing up thinking it's ok to have a child and not take care of it like this new guy is doing. They blame the mom... saying the mom won't let him see her. I've talked to the mom. He left and didn't look back. I know there are two sides to every storey but I really believe the mom. ANY man who wants to see his child has resources available to him to be able to see that child, whether the mom likes it or not... therefore I am on her side. (My son's father abandonded him, therefore I have NO simpathy for this sort of behavior).... Anyway.... any thoughts?

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You created this problem:

"The parenting time guidelines state that we can't keep him from her because of sports"

so you knew, going in, that he wouldn't be able to complete the season, & yet you signed him up anyway, & you've pumped his competitive urge up so that he's tremendously excited even though you have known since the onset that his hopes are going to be dashed.

Take a deep breath, get a grip on your own feelings, & tell that child that he's going to have a great summer, that baseball is a fun game that many successful people have played for enjoyment, & that you're proud of him for playing the game with grace, for making good grades, for eating all his peas, for showing kindness to the unfortunate, for sharing his toys, for most of all for being a joy & a blessing in your life.

    Bookmark   May 7, 2011 at 4:02PM
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Telling him he could NOT play would have been down right mean!!!! Especially signing up the other three boys. EVERYTIME she talks to him she says she'll come see him play or that she'll work it out that he can finish playing. Then she trys to tell us we have to tell him he can't. When she had custody last summer we let him finish. He also was only 2 hours away so we went to quite a few games. She moved to this new state with this new man. She created this problem that he has to go there for the summer. Why should he suffer because she decided to leave him for the man? Seriously? How is that fair to the kid? I really don't believe he'll have a good summer. She doesn't do hardly anything with him, plus I just called the Y, the programs are weekly day camps, not competition. He'll be bored out of his mind while she's drunk. My son's dad allows him to be at all of his games. He realizes that he's growing up and has a life outside of him. She still thinks at 10 that his life revolves around her. It doesn't and it's only going to get worse as he gets older. Teenagers never want to leave their friends, he won't be able to EVER play baseball EVER EVER EVER!!!! How is this fair? IT's NOT!!!! He'll never be able to get a summer job, hang out with his high school friends etc etc. I didn't create this, she did by moving to this state with her POS man. They suck as parents, it's all about them. My ss has to suffer because of it.

    Bookmark   May 7, 2011 at 4:20PM
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"ANY man who wants to see his child has resources available to him to be able to see that child, whether the mom likes it or not..."
Amen on that one, totally agree 100%!!!

As about SS, I could see both sides...

basketball is important, but let's face it court order and common sense allows him to be with mom for summer. Mom might be a loser but she deserves summer with her son and he needs his mother. Sports are cool and all that, but sports are just that...sports...not the end of the world. I don't really understand people making sports taking over everything else in life.

I also do not understand why you sign him up if you know he goes to moms for summer?

I understand how you feel, but even though sports are important, she still is his family, even if she likes booze and is a loser. Sports are just that...sports

    Bookmark   May 7, 2011 at 7:29PM
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I feel the same way you do about my DD. I do not sign her up for anything that may go in to the summer or is on her dad's time because he will not allow her to attend. We just had this conversation today. She wants to be in a program at school but it's on BDs night. I told her she would have to ask him. He said no because it's his time and they want to spend time with her not at her school. She is very disappointed. She has never in 5 yrs missed a school program ... If she were very active in school and constantly doing activities on his days I would understand (maybe) but she has not ever been allowed to do anything on his days. So... She can't be in sports ... She can only do activities that are during the school year and nothing on weekends. That consists of dance class, gymnastics and music lessons. Just about everything else has a weekend function. It's so sad because he is so selfish. She is old enough to say, I WANT to do this one thing but his answer is NOPE ... Sorry

I have no advice. We have just had to accept it and I never 'blame' him openly to dd. I always just say 'well it's your dad's weekend and they just want to spend family time together not running around from game to game or practices etc'. And I never assume he will be ok with it either. Because he won't. He will always so no and then eventually when dd is older she is going to say 'I am NOT going because I want my life'.

    Bookmark   May 7, 2011 at 9:48PM
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When we hear on this forum how BM signs up kids for all kind of activities that interfere with dads times and makes kids choose, and then "poor" dad doesn't get to see his kids, then everyone is on mad at evil BM.

Now we see that SM does things that clearly jeopardize kids time with BM, and it suppose to be OK. SM doesn't get to decide if kids are having good times with mom or not.

I think it is unfair to make kids choose between fun activities and time with a parent. I also do not believe that good parenting always means hundred activities for the kids. As long as I am not abusive or neglectful, it is no one's business what I do with DD on my time.

My ex is a type of parent that would do 100 activities and travels with kids, I am not that much. yet DD grew up equally involved with both of us. Parenting is more than running kids form game to game.

    Bookmark   May 8, 2011 at 10:07AM
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I guess I'll sound a bit coldhearted on this one, but parents should have thought about 'normal childhoods', weekend/summer activities ect while parenting plans are being drawn up a perfect world I guess there would not even be divorced and seperated families.

My SGS lives with BM during the school year and spends entire summer (school breals and the whatnot too) with SS. SGS has done it for years and does not feel he is abused nor 'left out of things'. He just turned 14 yrs old.

Last summer was the first summer SGS did not go to SS's. BM got pi$$ed at SS and it was decided SGS would spend the summer at BM's. SS had to travel every weekend (he works 3 dy weeks) to SGS. They still had a great time camping out weekends and pampering themselves in hotels when weather was bad. But the one thing SGS missed was his BFF. BFF and SGS are glued at the hip all summer long normally and do all activities together and just hang out...the boys are very close and met at camp at Dad's long ago.

SS got permission from BFF's family to bring the teen with him to visit SGS several weekends last summer. SGS was so excited over that surprise.

BM lives on a pretty tight budget and does not have to pay for summer activities and entertainment because SGS is not there. The staying home this time was going to make it rough on her and/or put a bored teen on her I sent BM the cash to have fun with SGS not only together but camp and events too just for SGS. Overall the summer went great. BM was able to take a four day mini vacation with SGS for the first time ever...they had a ball and gives them both memories of one great summer together (no money to worry about, no clock to watch, and just the two of them). I'm glad I could provide it for both of them.

Is my SGS's life as 'normal' as some other childrens/teens? No, I guess not, but he loves both parents and I sincerly believe if he had to choose time with one parent/the other and doing this or that for the summer he'd pick doing without the 'fun normal kid' stuff. He enjoys spending time at both houses, he has friends and good times at both houses.

I suppose if 'competing' were a priority for him or he was goaling towards scholarships based in ability in sports, it migh the different. But he's not. He enjoys being with the kids, playing the sports, doing the daily acitivities of camps blah blah. It's merely a part of his life and he does not 'know' he's being what some I guess think of as not normal childhoods or mistreated unfairly.

He's actually looking forward to summer at Dad's house in a couple more years because BFF and he will get to 'work' and get paid for volunteering at camp for the younger kids. So in his case when that happens, he'll still be doing the fun part and also have the ability to earn summer money.

But I must add here that I do understand how myfam feels in her situation. If I recall correctly her DD has to sit through her stepsister's weekend activites as a observer. That would be tough on a child. It's too nad in her case that her Dad/SM can't find something that both girls could partake in together. As far as the evening school program, myfam...could you and dad exchange visitation night during school week? Would Dad be open to that suggestion?

    Bookmark   May 8, 2011 at 11:06AM
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Just so we are clear again here. My ss has been playing baseball for the past three years. He LOVES this game. He WANTS to play. If we had NOT signed him up to play he would have been very very upset at both his parents. Everything was completely FINE with him playing until she cheated on her ex-husband and got a divorce, then met a new man who lived out of state and she CHOSE to move to that state to be with him. SHE CHOSE to be with this new man and therefore only receive one weekend per month visitation and 8 weeks during the summer. EVERYTHING was FINE with him being in sports UNTIL she moved. WHY should he suffer because she moved to this new state to be with her new man? I did NOT chose to sign him up, he asked to play. He then asked his mom what would happen if he were to play and make the All Star team, she said she would figure out how to make it up to him... meaning she'd let him play. Now she's saying she doesn't want him to play even though he's already started and it turns out he's improved drastically since last year. If she hadn't moved he'd get this opportunity. She didn't move for a job, she didn't move for a family member, she moved for a man she met 3 months prior. She gave up custody for this man. She's making her son's life hell to suit her. That's NOT fair!!!!!! Do NOT make me out to be the bad guy here.

We had him for the WEEKEND... when she TEXTED my husband to let him know she went to the new state and would not be returning to ours. That we could therefore enroll the child in school and have physical custody. I had to sit with my husband and help explain to him that it wasn't his fault and that mom simply believed we could provide the better life. (That was us making it nice for her, she CHOSE to give him up so that she could live with her new man she JUST MET).... Now he's having to give up something he truely loves so that she can live over in the new state. She could easily move back. She chould move back with or without the new man. She's making him chose her over baseball because she chose the man over him. CLEAR here?

How would you tell a 10 year old that "Yes, your 8, 11 and 15 year old brother's can play baseball, but I'm sorry, you have to leave a weak before the tournament is over so you will have to watch from the sidelines while they play"..... That's horrible!! I know how children take not being able to play because my 15 year old son was given a diagnosis on his throwing elbow stating that he'd never be able to play again. It devastated him. He cried and cried and cried. I was able to get the best surgeon in the country to perform surgery on him to fix him and allow him to play again. I'm NOT telling the 10 year old he can't play because his mom sucks. (I wouldn't tell him his mom sucks but that's how I feel about this)

When I was single and dating, I knew that I would NEVER be able to move out of state and keep my son. So, I only dated men that understood that. She made the decision to be with a man out of state with whome she could not be with and still have custody of her son. I would forego him not playing All Stars, he'll be very very upset, but I would understand that.... one more week is really all he needs here. Why couldn't she make arrangements to come stay here and watch his tournament and allow him to finish? Because she's selfish. Heck, as much as I absolutely despise the sight of her, I'd allow her to stay at my home to make this happen. For my ss sake. NOT HERS, for his.

    Bookmark   May 8, 2011 at 11:06AM
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My SD12's BM also moved away & left her to be with a new man four years ago. SD has gone the last four years NOT participating in any sports or activities because in one way or another, some of the activities fall on her mom's weekends or summer which their agreement says we can't schedule on her time. It's doubly unfair to SD because BM's BF has 3 kids that play baseball & when SD goes there on weekends to spend time with mom, she is carted off to watch the other kids play... and BM supposedly coached the first year or two, so BM was in the dugout with BF's kids while SD sat in the bleachers alone. SD's older sister (15) also plays basketball on the HS team. SD wanted to play sports in our town & I paid the registration fees, BM said no so SD didn't play & I lost my money. It sucks for SD & makes me sad/angry, but that's her mom & that's her mom's decision. It will come back to bite her.

As for OP, you signed him up so he wouldn't feel left out. If BM takes him during the tournaments & won't let him participate, that's on BM. Most mom's would want to see their child play. The child will be hurt, but sometimes there's nothing you can do to prevent it. She is the mom & she makes that decision that may impact her relationship with her child. She left her child for a man, another decision that the child will grow up to understand the full impact of that. Dad & you are showing him that you'll sacrifice so he can finish his sport when he's at mom's. You guys are being flexible & thinking about him. She isn't & eventually kids figure that out on their own.

My opinion is for you to let it go. Tell the child that you wish you could watch him in the tournament but it's his mommy's time and she wants to spend it with him. Tell BM that you're very sorry that she is going to miss seeing her son play in the tournament & that you hope he has as much fun at the Y. No, it's not the same & it's not fair to SS. She is being very selfish and perhaps she is also being vindictive. But, there's nothing you can do about that and engaging in battle with her only fuels the fire. If all her decisions are in reaction to the fight with you or your DH, then it will continue to hurt SS. She already makes bad decisions that are all about her. Nobody is going to convince her that she's hurting her son, except maybe her son. My SD is beginning to let her mom know by acting up, lashing out, & being rebellious with her mom. BM focuses on the battle instead of how anything she does makes her daughter feel. She is also so involved with her own life (happiness when she first met BF; Problems now that he feels trapped because they had a baby together) and of course, DH & I are easy targets. I guess my advice would be to be as cooperative with BM as you possibly can. You don't have to agree with her. All you can do is be honest with the kid, without saying anything negative about BM. Even admit to him that you shouldn't have signed him up because it cuts into his mom's time with him but you just didn't want to see him miss out while the other kids played. That's the truth.

    Bookmark   May 8, 2011 at 11:44AM
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I don't think normal childhood is defined but how many sports children get to play.

I don't know what's normal childhood, I worked two jobs and was not available for running DD to different sports, by your standards it is not normal. As my salary got better and DD got older she did horse back riding, that's about it. My ex did a lot of extensive travel with DD including travels that I could not and still cannot afford. Each of us did what we could.

Yes what BM did might be unfair, but I don't think it is up to you to decide, mom and dad made custody agreement and now must follow. You think it is unfair, well, I still think even if mom is a loser, she gets to see her son. Life is not always fair, ideally mom and dad would still be married.

Plenty of men are losers yet if they don't get to see their kids, they blame BM.

    Bookmark   May 8, 2011 at 12:15PM
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I would imagine if your SS BM does cause him to loose out on something this important to him as soon as he is old enough he will choose not to visit his mom. I would absolutely have his mom tell him he must go to visit her and miss out, not your and DH. Sports are not the end all but they are very important to some children and it certainly appears that is the case with your SS.

    Bookmark   May 8, 2011 at 2:21PM
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I'm going to be a little more clear here. Bm just gave up custody in October, she had custody for 10 years before this. My dh and she were never marrid. They were a tiny fling that resulted in my ss. They have never been together as a couple. My husband learned his lesson. They drew up the original agreement when my ss was about 5 months old. She gave my husband over night visits right away. She agreed to allow him EVERY weekend and Wednesday nights every week. From the get go she would give him to us Wed then ask us to keep him till Sunday. Or she'd let us have him for the weekend and ask us to keep him till Wed. We had him all the time. At the age of 9 months my ss called me mama. (My son and he are 7 months apart, therefore he heard my son and learned, especially having been with us so often, I tought him I was my name) He would literally hold on to me like he was holding on for his life whenever I would have to take him back to her. (my dh worked night shift, she knew who was keeping the child and didn't care). I then would call my husband in tears because it tore me up to have to go through that. She obviously wasn't taking care of him the way he needed to be. My dh was so scared that she would take time away from him that he never tried to get custody. He waited. Then when she told him she would be moving to the new state with his son he decided it was time to take action. We had started the custody thing before she just decided to give him up. She had him in one sport a year. It's not because she couldn't afford it. We always paid for half of everything. Now that we have him we haven't even asked that she pay for it. It was just out of pure laziness that she didn't allow him to do more. She only has him, no other children. This past summer she didn't want to pay for a sitter so he was with her mom for weeks at a time or at home alone all day long. Our lawyer told us to just go pick him up from either play, gmas or her home... we didn't want to cause trouble in front of him so we waited it out. He was 9, never should have been left home alone. She ended up getting a visit by a police officer one afternoon and was told she couldn't leave him home alone anymore.

Since she left to go to the new state she has cancelled her time with him everyother month. She didn't pay a dime of support until Feb 5, she didn't send him one piece of clothing home after Christmas (we used to send piles home after Christmas and summertime), she bought him clothes for spring break and didn't bother to send those either. So basically she has quit providing for her son except what the court ordered her to do. When she had him she expected that we help out far more then court ordered and we did.

During court she actually told the judge she didn't believe she should have to pay support. She was ordered $56 per week. I'm fine with that. I just want her to be held responsible. Yet, when you look at facebook or at the pictures she sends to my husband of him on the phone she's wearing all name brand clothing. Her nails are done, she's tan, she's not working, they took a trip to Florida.... so she's obviously doing ok money wise. This is just out of spite and pure laziness. My husband never even raised his voice to her until this past December when she called yelling at him drunk for giving the child medication that she didn't think he needed. (The medication is DDAVP, it's used for bed wetting, again, the kid is 10. We had a sleep over for him to get to know new kids and didn't want him to be embarassed so we used it for that purpose. He actually asked us to get him help for the situation. He had asked her before and she didn't care enough to get him the help)

Yes, I know he needs to spend time with his mother. I know that, I'm just stating that she should care enough about her son to allow him to simply finish his season. She won't even come watch him play. She won't come to our town what so ever. I know all about the dad situation, my oldest son's dad hardly shows to games either, but he allows my son to finish or to stay for his games. He wants him to succeed, he just doesn't care to take the time to watch it. The other son's father disappeared years ago. We have every situation imaginable. The only thing agreed upon by dh and bm was the custody, everything else was decided by a judge who didn't have time to hear the whole storey.

    Bookmark   May 8, 2011 at 3:10PM
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exactly eanddhl!!! Thanks everyone for your support and understanding!!! It's such a difficult situation to be in. I know that my ss will be telling her how he feels. Eventually he will understand exactly what has happened and the truth to it. My son is 15 and he is really coming along with understand the truths to things.

    Bookmark   May 8, 2011 at 3:27PM
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According to our states Parenting Time Rules and Guidelines if the noncustodial parent won't allow the child to do an activity in custodial parents location during their parenting time then they have to provide an equal opportunity for the child in their location during the parenting time. That's only fair to the child if they really want to do something. I'd look into if I were you.

    Bookmark   May 8, 2011 at 3:48PM
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If court order says XYZ and dad thinks it is unfair then he should file to make changes. If he thinks mom is in violation of CO then dad could file for contempt.

Neither mom nor dad nor SM could decide what is fair or unfair here just because they think certain things are more important than others. If kid gets older and doesn't want to visit mom, then be it. It is possible that mom is a loser, she sounds like one, but if a judge allows her 8 weeks for the summer dad has to comply.

We constantly get posts here how BMs sign up their kids for activities and it prevents kids to visit their dads, and when kids get to chose then of course they choose activities over their distant dads. And of course BMs portray their exes as loser dads. Nobody on this board ever says that kids should stay with BMs doing activities because activities are more important than dad. Yet activities are supposed to be more important than mom. Double standards....

If dad prefers that his son plays sports rather than gong to moms, he should address it with his lawyer and a judge.

I think it is irrelevant that mom and dad weren't married or had one night stand.

    Bookmark   May 8, 2011 at 8:09PM
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You have to deal with what is and make the best of it. I agree with everyone else here: the best situation is to not get divorced. It isn't a perfect world or a fair world. The sooner your step son understands that and learns to deal with that the better off he will be. He will take is clue on how to deal with the situation from your attitude. How about being grateful he gets to play at all? Due to my schedule and other issues, my three kids couldn't get involved in these type of activities at all. It's not like he is going to be some baseball star and even if he is, this wouldn't hurt his career. Keep the goal in mind: to have fun, build confidence, etc... Let him love his mother.

It is wrong not to visit your children and it is ok to make that judgment. I agree, everyone should have a relationship with their children. However, you have no business judging individuals who don't because you don't know what the story is. Both my husband and I don't see 4/5 of our children and it has been heartbreaking and we did everything we could.

Take the high road here and don't give the kid more crap to deal with.

    Bookmark   May 8, 2011 at 8:54PM
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I remember when I wanted to put dd on a competition cheer team and my lawyer told me NO. The judge will never make BD take dd to a competition type of event on his time bc apparently the courts do not favor competition sports for children. Wouldn't even let me bring it up. I wanted to put dd in soccer for a spring season which is only about two months... Judge said ok as long as it was only for fun not competition but bd never showed up with dd and dd ended up never getting to play. Judge did nothing to bd even though she originally agreed that it was ok and told him to take her. Dd gets very upset when bd won't let her do things but she spends Thursday nights and Saturday's running around watching same age stepsister do her activities while dd sits and watches. But nothing I can do about it. It's not fair for dd but I found ways around it like putting her in something that doesn't interfere with his time and doesn't interfere during the summer. I'm actually looking forward to having the summer off this year because I'm tired. This school year has been a beating for us. The older they get the more things they have going on and if dd were in something on the weekends, I would probably want to shoot myself. Two classes during the week is enough! I realize if she were in soccer or something like that, it would be twice a week plus the weekend and I just don't know if I could do it right now. Once ds gets old enough to start activities I am going to be a running mess. Lol

I do understand your frustration. Ss wants to do this. You signed him up because he wanted to do it but once you get to that point like I have where you just accept that BM is going to say NO then it makes it easier for you to just say 'I'm sorry' and move on. Not easier on the child but this is a problem between ss and his mom not between you and his mom. He will get older and he will let her know how he feels without you having to do anything. I remember not visiting my dad in high school the few times he wanted to see me because I had drill team on Fridays and he wasn't willing to take me... So i said sorry I can't visit I made a commitment to my team and I have to be there. I have full faith in my dd that one of these days she is going to make that choice and bd is going to be shocked. See right now he thinks it's just ME. That I just want dd in something but honestly I would love to save my money and be home. But the child wants to do something.

And it doesn't matter if you put these things in a parenting plan... The other parent can still say no. You would have to take them to court to enforce and in my opinion -- the cost to enforce vs. Baseball or whatever actually isn't worth it. Unless it becomes a serious problem.

    Bookmark   May 9, 2011 at 12:51AM
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My SD goes to her mom the first three weekends of each month. Most sports practice during the week & have games on weekends. We proposed that BM could pick up SD after the game (hoping she'd come watch & then take her) but BM said no, her mom will continue to pick her up on Fridays. Why? Well, I might guess that if BF's kids are in sports where they live, BM doesn't want to miss their games.... she goes to all of them & drags SD along. SD couldn't play there because she isn't there during the week to practice. It just wouldn't work.

I agree that if it's something that isn't going to affect her time with him very much & it's something he's practiced for all year, she should bring him or come watch him & then take him from there. She should be flexible so he can have a more normal life. But, it does no good to get angry when she says no. Of course, if you're looking for validation that she is being selfish, then yes, she is being selfish. She is denying him. She makes that decision & unless a court decides otherwise, you (and SS) are stuck with it. She is setting herself up for rebellion or resentment (or both) from her son. (and unfortunately it usually costs too much to take it back to court)

    Bookmark   May 9, 2011 at 3:00AM
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I feel badly for all of the kids that miss out on things that they want to do because of visitation schedules and parents who can not or will not work together. I know that even a great parent may just not be able to accommodate an overlapping extracurricular, and I agree that it's not necessary for kids to go, go, go all of the time and never just spend unscheduled time with either parent - but, when you see a kid who misses activities over and over it's very sad.

We have this on our street; one little girl constantly sees her very slightly older step-brother participating in activities, as do the younger sisters. SM will ask BM if little girl can participate in sports, Girl Scouts, etc. and BM will say yes, SM pays the fees, buys the equipment or uniform or whatever, and when it's the weekend BM simply doesn't take the girl. Nor does she spend any time with her; she's dropped off at one or another adult "friend" for a sleepover. It makes ME want to wring the BM's neck - little girl has missed my SS's birthday party for three years straight while her siblings can come, and for three years straight comes home to hear how much fun it was and we find she did nothing.

OP, I think BM is being selfish (well, she moved out of state for a new man and left her kids, so that's pretty much a given). But there's not much you can do about it.

As for the posting about "best thing for the kids if is parents don't divorce", that's a very sweeping statement that is not always true. Maybe it's best for the kids if their normal, reasonable, rational parents do not divorce - but those kids are probably going to come through OK even after divorce. But if one (or both) parents are not reasonable I fail to see how the parents staying together is going to be beneficial to the kids long-term.

    Bookmark   May 9, 2011 at 8:38AM
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This is how the schedule is, she wants him June 20 through till when school starts which is Aug 16. His end of season tournament is June 23 to 25. So, seriously, this is a matter of just a few days. She could easily come here and stay in town and watch him.... since she's promised she'd be at a basketball game.. never showed and probably won't show for baseball. He came to me and asked about fall football. I told him he could do whatever he wants. When he lived with her he always asked her to do stuff and she wouldn't take the initiative to put him in it. Again, just out of laziness. She couldn't come home and start drinking immediately if she had to run him somewhere. I was really suprised he wanted to play football though, he broke his arm playing in the front yard a few years ago and i thought that was it. Yes, he'll probably miss one or two games, that's fine. Tournaments are another storey.

I know he'll tell her he's mad about this and she may just give in. My dh and I are not going to be the ones to tell him though. We are making her do it. My dh is willing to give up his week of Christmas break to her for "make up" time if that's what it takes.

If my husband had made a relationship out of his birth with his mother they'd have been divorced within months. They are nothing alike what so ever and she's impossible to get along with. We've always been very accomodating and helpful. She just demands more more more for her. That situation would NOT have been what was best for my ss. He's never known them to be together so therefore he doesn't know what it's like. He DOES know what it's like to have mom and dad live close and get to do things though. I think when a parent moves so far away from their child it's just selfish.

    Bookmark   May 9, 2011 at 12:52PM
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Not sure who said 'best for kids', but if it is in reply to my statement "in a perfect world'...I never said parents should marry and/or stay together for 'best for kids' or sake of kids or anything of such nature. What I said was "in a perfect world I guess there would not even be divorced and seperated families". Meaning IN A PERFECT WORLD (inwhich we do not live and does not exist) people would meet the lifetime PERFECT mate, life would be blissful for all individual involved and everybody would live happily ever after... you know, like in fairytales. My statement was more in reply to the OP's expression of the melodramatic "Teenagers never want to leave their friends, he won't be able to EVER play baseball EVER EVER EVER!!!! How is this fair? IT's NOT!!!! He'll never be able to get a summer job, hang out with his high school friends etc etc". This child does not live in a PERFECT WORLD and neither do the rest of us. Displays of such emotional out pouring over the fact a child must visit his BM is not going to change the fact that what is is.

Frankly, if I were Dad (Dad not the OP) I would give it one more shot. If child were to leave on the 20th of June but wanted to instead finish ball and leave the evening of the 25th, I would try to bargain with my child's opposite parent. How could we make this work out for all involved type attitude? This is only five hours away, maybe Dad can promise to do all the taking/picking back up if visit delayed. Maybe there can be additional make-up days scheduled at non usual visitation times .

I get OP's frustration...only a few days, but if BM is this bent on being uncooperative there is really nothing she can do about it. This BM will have to answer to her son in time and if this event is so dearly important to him he won't forget about it quickly.

I don't think one can 'judge' the BM's ability to visit area for a week based on nice clothes from photos. Can this woman really afford to put herself up for a week in a different town? I've no clue. Should she have moved away? Not sure. For just a man I'd say no, but then there might be cases where a parent moved for better jobs blah blah so to better themselves and be able to support better. Yeah, I know that is not this BM but just as the marriage or relationship did not work out as planned, how do 'we' get to decide where the opposite parent must live/work? 'We' don't, all that can be done is work with the parent and thrive for arrangements that can now be the best in the situation.

My SS never had a relationship/marriage with SGS's mother, fact it was more a one night stand. SS lives far longer than 5 hours apart from BM...yet they make it work when the son is involved. My SS would 'give' on this OP's baseball case. He could afford to take the week off and he would travel all night (which he has) to get to a special event, do the event and turn around and travel all night again to get back to work...some people are more willing to put the kid first than others and some are in a better position to be able to. Moving away for my SS was not a 'selfish' measure, it was a follow the adavancement in position at corporation and rise the ability to be able to better support child and child's future education funds, health insurance, blah blah.

    Bookmark   May 9, 2011 at 2:52PM
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She moved for a man plain and simple. She had a good job and up and quit at the spur of the moment the weekend she gave us custody. There is no other reason behind her move. I'm not even sure at this moment she has a job. BUT... I do know that she's spending money left and right on EVERYTHING else except her son. I've known her for the past 10 1/2 years. I'm not doing any wild guessing here. They drive to another town here in our state all the time for his son's mom. (He has two kids, one he has custody of and one he abandoned) So.... it's just a matter of want to. She doesn't want to. She doesn't want to for one time put her son's wishes ahead of her own. She's never done it, I doubt she ever will do it. I've already said my husband is willing to offer her the extra week at Christmas for these few days. And just so we are clear here.... I DO NOT speak to her. My dh does it all.... BUT she will ask him to ask me to do things for my ss. She knows who does what. I did used to talk to her until she was very very rude to me. Then I quit speaking to her. I haven't spoken to her personally since October. AND.... my husband and I have a mutual acceptance of each other's children. I do for his as I would mine and he the same. I'm not going to not do something for my ss because I didn't give birth to him. Just the same he won't not do something for my son. If my son needs to go to the doctor and I have to work, my husband takes him... same with my ss. My son's dad is fine with it and my ss bm has always been fine with it. In fact she'll ask me to do it. I get really tired of hearing that I'm just step mom. I "just" the person he comes to every time he's sick, did well in school, etc. This is how our family works. I call him my son most of the time.... my husband also does the same with my son..... Oh and for the record. My 15 year old son's facebook profile shows two moms.... me and his step mom. I didn't force him to take it off because I'm not evil.

    Bookmark   May 9, 2011 at 3:17PM
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You know, you're awfully defensive here and for no reason. You seem to have one heck of a chip on your shoulder. WHERE did I say 'you're just the SM'? What I said was Dad should make the fricking plea to BM. Obviously you're way too hot under the collar to make the call civil and has nothing to do with taking your kid/his kid to a dr. and 'being the just way' blah blah your family is. Bottomline this lady does not have to give you the time of day and if approached with the attitude you currently are showing she might end up not being rational in considering the request. It's much more to do with HE is the one with the parenting agreement, he is the one with a better chance of dealing directly or through lawyers with this BM.

No matter how angry you may be, how unfair you may think things are, nor how much of a lazy hussy you think the child's BM is (and she may indeed be) you REALLY think it's best if YOU make the call/plea? If you squeal at her the way you've squealed at us and through out the entire conversation put her down and jaw jack on and on about 'not fair'...just how far do you think you'll get before she slams the phone down and does something else to just be spiteful?

    Bookmark   May 9, 2011 at 3:39PM
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"We've always been very accomodating and helpful."


    Bookmark   May 9, 2011 at 5:34PM
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"We've always been very accomodating and helpful."

The hmmm is kind of crappy here!! I have had this child most of his life, taking care of him while his mother partied and got drunk. I'm a year younger then she is. Yet I'm the responsible mature one. By accommodating and helpful I meant that whenever she asked us for anything, like taking him extra weekends or extra weeks, or asking us to help pay for things, or going all the way to her town for drop off/pick up... we did it. We've never asked for anything from her other then for him to finish his baseball season. If she doesn't get what she wants she throws a fit. My three kids have had to work their lives around her. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of it always being her her her her her. My husband never stood up to her till October. This is the first time he's put his foot down and she's not liking it.

I came here for help and it seems there are only a couple people who really understand. I promise you all, if you knew her and what she's put us through you'd want nothing to do with standing up for her. Our lawyer told us she thought we had a weak case until she met her the first time in the court room. Then she was all excited to help us get what we needed. She did ask for the whole summer, she only got the 8 weeks.

    Bookmark   May 9, 2011 at 7:49PM
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You asked for help people give you advice, pretty much everyone had similar advice. if you don't like it, do what you think is right or don't ask for advice. you come across defensive and difficult to deal with (just because you don't like advice you are getting?) and if that's the case in real life, it only causes more problems.

once again if dad (not you) asks mom to pick SS later and she disagrees, he can file in court for modification, otherwise he has to comply with court order. let judge decide what's the best for the kids.

I always thought the best for DD is to spend as much time with noncustodial dad as possible since she did not get to see him every day like I did. Now at 23, she is as close to dad as to me, and maintains good relationship with both. I didn't make her choose.

Nobody is arguing that BM is not a loser, drunk, stupid, lazy whatever. She might be. But that's neither here nor there. You still don't get to decide. Judge gave her 8 weeks, she gets 8 weeks. She is his mother, loser or not. You don't get to decide that baseball is the best for him versus time with loser mother.

Plenty of women think their exes are losers yet they don't get to decide what's best for the kids.

    Bookmark   May 10, 2011 at 6:08AM
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--"DH was not ordered to pay a ton in support. Just $58 per week. BM would ALWAYS ask for diapers, money for daycare and anything else she could think of. I put my foot down finally and said no more. I NEVER asked my ds's fathers for anything extra."-- (OP Feb 17 2011) Can't help but notice here WHO put their foot down.

Fastward May 2011 --"I have had this child most of his life, taking care of him while his mother partied and got drunk. I'm a year younger then she is. Yet I'm the responsible mature one. By accommodating and helpful I meant that whenever she asked us for anything, like taking him extra weekends or extra weeks, or asking us to help pay for things,or going all the way to her town for drop off/pick up... we did it."--

--"We've never asked for anything from her other then for him to finish his baseball season."--

Well except for the denial of the weekend in Feb because of basketball and the allowing SS to skip Mother's Day because of now the baseball and NOW it's 'give up a week so he can finish his baseball'.

If SS could simply call his BM in February and she said 'fine, don't come this weekend it's ok' (remember the reason she had not had her son since Christmas is she had to work those weekends) and Dad even talked first to BM during that basketball incident telling BM it would be ok to tell SS 'no, he has to come'...why is she being so stubborn this time? It's possible she has saw the pattern of cutting her out and she's taking her stand to preserve her rights to visitation maybe even with a courtroom visit of her own in mind. Perhaps also this is why BM will not 'tell' SS this time but wants Dad/OP to tell him no if he can't come as scheduled. A judge has made it clear that no matter what OP thinks of BM moving away or kid's sports the court has granted set visitation schedules anyway and has no problem with BM moving.

    Bookmark   May 10, 2011 at 8:22AM
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We paid for half of everything. I had to put my foot down back when she was asking for diapers, daycare, etc because we also had two really little children in our home and were making exactly what she was making. She only had the one kid. I wasn't getting my support. I have never gotten regular support for my one child. We couldn't continue to give give give. When it was something extra... not everyday living expenses, like sports, that's when we paid for extra, without a flinch. I even forgot to give her the cash once at drop off and turned around to take it back to her.

Why is it ok for her to skip weekends because she has to work or her man has to work? Why is that ok but it's not ok to skip when my ss has something? By accomodating I have an example.... my husband's dad was dying, he litterally was going to die any minute. My husband went to his parents home to spend his last minutes with his father. My ss bm WOULD NOT change her plans, which included partying and drinking so that my husband could spend that time with him. My ss was still a toddler at this time therefore requiring a lot of attention. So my husband told her that I would have to keep him, he couldn't leave his dad. She was fine with that as long as she got to party. So.... while my husband was spending his last minutes with his father I kept my ss with help from my grandma. That's how much she cares about anyone else but her! When we got married she wouldn't come get my ss from our reception, she made our groomsmen take my ss to her mother's house... because again, it was a weekend and she had plans. When she got married the first time we went all the way to her town.... 2 1/2 hours away and picked him up from the reception. See a pattern yet? It's when it's convenient for her!! If she has plans... no problem, stay with your dad, if ss has plans... you'll have to break them.

She has told my ss she'd come to some of his games... this is the ideal opportunity for her to do it and still get to spend time with him. He has his first game tonight and is seriously upset that I can't make it there. He wants so despirately for a mother to see him play. I have to go with my other son to another activity. Last night my 11 yr old asked for a hug for bed (which he never does) and so I did... then ss asked for a kiss.... I went to kiss him on his forehead... because he's 10, my 8 year old always wipes them off so I didn't think he'd want any other... he snuck one in on me... :) I'm not going to feel bad for any of this. We have an awesome relationship and he's beginning to realize who gives up their life for them.

    Bookmark   May 10, 2011 at 9:13AM
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--" I had to put my foot down back when she was asking for diapers, daycare, etc because we also had two really little children in our home and were making exactly what she was making. She only had the one kid. I wasn't getting my support. I have never gotten regular support for my one child. We couldn't continue to give give give."--

Since when is providing and supporting for your two children (when their father/s does not support and your job is not sufficient) a priority and justification of telling DH he can not provide for his own already existing child? Perhaps you all needed better jobs and/or worried about supporting numberous children prior to assuming the responsibility. How did that work exactly 'no, DH you can not buy diapers for your kid because my kid needs them out of your pocket'?

--"Why is it ok for her to skip weekends because she has to work or her man has to work? Why is that ok but it's not ok to skip when my ss has something?"--

Ask the judge who court ordered the arrangment if he cares what you think is ok or not.

--"She has told my ss she'd come to some of his games... this is the ideal opportunity for her to do it and still get to spend time with him"--

You're still failing to understand that you are not in control and how and what you think in the thick of this does not matter. You have a court ordered plan. Does it actually say 'this is how it works unless the SM decides it is not fair and should be adjusted at will to accommodate a baseball program she went ahead and signed him up for that she knew he would not be able to finish and now wants to guilt trip BM into tweaking the plan'.

I'm really glad that you and your SS have a great relationship and that you both love each other blah blah...but this really has little to do with the issue at hand. As long as there is indeed a BM in the picture that has been awarded 8 weeks in the summer and the visitation schedule has not been adjusted per court and/or mutual agreement I doubt the judge will care if you think this is a perfect time for BM to come to your town and spend a week or not.

Throughout all your posts, I have not read one word about the child not desiring to visit his mother or that child does not have fun at mom's or that anything but sports you keep dangling under his nose is an actual problem with this kid. I've read plenty about what you think of BM and how you think/feel things should be...obviously the judge did not agree with you.

    Bookmark   May 10, 2011 at 11:39AM
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My husband has a child with me as well. He had to support my son as well. We were married, our money went into one account, I worked 2 jobs, he worked one. Honestly back then I made more money. Rent, utilities, water, etc needed to be split between us. I had the only car, we shared it until we bought another car. I was honestly doing just fine till I met my husband and had to start forking out money for my ss. Yes, I loved my husband enough to help him out. That's what people do when they love each other. He felt guilty for not being with her so he went out of his way to spend extra for him. It got to where it was hurting us. It was hurting my children. Again, I made more money. He makes more now, we are better off now but we have custody now as well.

I shouldn't have had to do nothing on my weekends because I was broke while she was out having a blast partying and asking us for lots of extras.

My husband has since adopted my son that I didn't get the support for... so now YES, he is legally responsible for providing for my son. I love my husband, I'm not with him for that support, I'm just stating that she expects everything to go to her son. That's not how it works.

Our court hearing was scheduled for a half hour. Our lawyers prolonged it an extra 45 minutes. Her lawyer wouldn't shut up, they both lied in court. He made the decision right then and there about the eight weeks. If we had had more time to get down to the nitty gritty of things he would have seen more about her. Also, this was the 2nd judge we had, the first judge recused himself because bm lied during court, got caught with printed text messages.... so her lawyer threw a fit, accused judge of "winking" at our lawyer... he was making a gesture at the court reporter... but her lawyer was a drama queen and needed to save her butt. That judge would've probably seen through bm but we had to go to a diff one. We left everything the way it was because our lawyer was double the price of hers, we were already $4500 in in fees. She's not going to take us back to court. She threw a fit the first time having to go there.

My ss does want to visit his mother. We want him to visit her, he just doesn't want to be there so long. He tells her these things. I've actually gasped at hearing the conversations between them. He's not allowed to speak to us the way she allows him to speak to her. He has openly told us he is bored to tears at her house.

He will tell her how he feels, I have no doubt about that. I also have come to the conclusion between what he wants and what my husband has decided to offer her.... more time at Christmas, he'll get to finish.

    Bookmark   May 10, 2011 at 12:02PM
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By the way, I'm not the evil one here. I do way more for him then she ever could. She is one of those people who should've had a license to have a kid before she had him. I'd like to hear you explain to a 10 year old that he cannot be signed up for a sport because his mommy went ahead and moved away, therefore he has to leave before the season is over, he'll have to sit on the sidelines and watch his three brothers play. We've heard over and over and over how it's not fair that other's children have to do that because of their bio parent. So, if I don't sign him up, I'm the one who gets blamed for it. I watch my 15 year old have to sit and watch because of an injury, it sucks bad!! I'm not going to tell him no because she sucks. We will let him know if she decides he really can't finish the tournament that next year it won't be fair to the team to put him on the team and not finish. That he won't be able to play next year. We will see what happens. I'll bet money on it that he throws one of his little fits and gets his way with her. Then next year this will all happen again... even though it'll be her that told him it was ok.

Oh and he does hesitate to go to her.... I've had to have my husband physically put him in the car and slam the door shut, I lock it and quickly drive away.... listening to him sobbing because he doesn't want to go there. I was literally shaking when we got to the meeting point and ready to cry myself. His behaviour gets 10 times worse at our house in anticipation for the visits as well, then when she calls to cancel he returns to his normal self.

    Bookmark   May 10, 2011 at 12:51PM
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You're quite the Drama Queen. Again, where did anyone say you were evil? All that was said is that you set this 'ball' into motion by enrolling child in what you knew he could not/might not be able to finish... you have order plan in front of you, you know what it says you just choose to believe you could ignore it, both you and SS could toss hissy fits and ta-da, no problem. Basketball, now baseball and this fall football already is on the agenda. You told child he can do what he wants as far as football...I hope when you actually look at a calendar that this 'promise' does not interfere with whatever additional time you're planning to offer BM. Maybe you could just tell the judge sports come first, kid hates BM's house and he's a horse's behind if he overrules you. You could try tossing in BM moved blah blah judge will be real impressed.

Good luck to the kid by the way.

    Bookmark   May 10, 2011 at 1:37PM
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you know what, immamommy and myfam and a few others saw what I was getting at. Some of you guys picked on Mrs. P too. This is rediculous. The football is over well before Christmas, the only time it might interfere is with a weekend visit here or there. I already said he may miss one or two games for that. He asked me if he could play, this again is something my sons do. I'm not going to make him sit on the sidelines and do nothing. As other's have said, that's mean. Last summer when my ss was living with bm we let him play his games and if we couldn't make it to one and it was supposed to be our weekend we made it up later. She knew what this child loved to do when she made the choice to move away from him. I'm just saying, she made this choice and now he is suffering for it.

SS wants to visit bm but not for such long lengths of time. Good lord, I saw in previous posts by other people where you were accusing her of nitpicking... I feel like I can say nothing right here because you are nitpicking me.

Eventually if we do go back to court it will be because we have found where she is doing the drugs we suspect her of doing. Then I guarentee she won't be getting all these visits.

    Bookmark   May 10, 2011 at 2:07PM
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Oh for Pete's sake, now big bad JMT is picking on you. Nope, just stating facts as you've presented them.

--" I'm just saying, she made this choice and now he is suffering for it. "--

Which is why it might be best to not sign up for all the never ending activities...I get it, it's fun and kids should get to do these things if they want to and Dad/Mom whatever can afford it and have the schedule to accommodate it all. But you have one child in your home that is not in the same carefree situation that the other children in your home are. This little guy has one more person to think about that the other children do not. Why keep setting up the fall and/or instigating the BM fight.

Until or unless Dad can get a different schedule this is what it is. You're making it harder on the child than need be. Yep, BM made her choice, but for right now she has the backing of the court. Do I think she could wait a week and make it up later? Yeah, I do...but what I think or what you think are not the court ordered plan.

If BM is an unfit parent and should actually be denied visitation (for other reasons than kid would rather play sports of course) than I do hope judge takes it seriously when proof is presented. If drinking abd partying were from years ago, this behavior will not be considered in recent happenings that can and/or will affect her current visitations. If she's drug using/dealing/drinking whatever nowand it can be considered harmful and dangerous to SS's wellbeing and safety being around her, I do hope you can find the proof you need to assure his safety/wellbeing.

Odds may also be in your favor that BM will grow tired of summer tied down to a child... it appears she's never much cared to play mommy 24/7. Who knows. Maybe by this time next summer she'll not want SS 8 weeks if these 8 weeks don't go well. Maybe instead she realize that sports in the summer are more important to child than 8 week visits with her and become more agreeable. You have no way of predicting the future, you just need to focus on now and immediate and deal with what you can control. Which would also include helping child adjust to his 8 week absence from home instead of putting him in a position to have to choose and then set up additional friction between yourself and his mother.

You're not evil. You're not wrong in being frustrated that child is in a different situation than your other kids. This is not about telling SS he can play when you know he might not be able to just because you have no intentions of making him sit out while others play...this is about a court order that says at this point in time you have little choice but to follow and accepting that in making schedules and events that he can partake in without violating the plan. Pitting kid against order to justify the wants and needs of other children in your home is not going to sit well in appearances to judge that you are being cooperative.

I do understand where you are coming from, but I did not make the parental plan nor grant dates and schedules inwhich you must abide by. You can change the fact that you are treating all kids equally without consideration to the fact that one of these children has indeed different 'rules' currently ordered to follow. You're in a power struggle between a judge and your own wishes here it has nothing to do with not understanding or sympathizing with your situation.

    Bookmark   May 10, 2011 at 2:58PM
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I do understand but I never tell my child it's her FATHER's fault. I explain to her that since he doesn't get her much that the summer is his. It tears me up inside but I never let my child see it because if I am anxious she will be anxious ... If you are almost in teArs your ss is going to be in tears. I asked my dd if she understood why she couldn't be in her school program and she said her dad told her it's because they have plans to spend time together on their one day that week. I think he is a jerk but my dd understands and is ok now. I think if you don't make a big deal about it, he won't make a big deal about it. And you can put him in activities that aren't competitive in nature and he will be very well rounded in the end.

    Bookmark   May 10, 2011 at 3:16PM
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How is that you had him for most of his life when he lived with BM and she had custody until October of last year?

    Bookmark   May 10, 2011 at 4:55PM
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hard to keep track of the different stories...

OP, are you really, truly, for real?

    Bookmark   May 10, 2011 at 5:02PM
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I think everyone understands that you might feel upset about the situation, but there is a court agreement and parenting plan that gives mom 8 weeks for summer. Agreement is between mom and dad. If dad is unhappy with court order he could file again. If kids doesn't want to go to his mom, then again maybe dad could talk to a lawyer. If mom is unfit, then again dad should address it in court.

I don't really see what and how we can advise you differently. It doesn't matter how we feel about your situation, we are not a judge. You asked what are our thoughts, I think everyone acknowledged how you feel and told you that court orders cannot be randomly broken just because you think mom is a loser or baseball is more important. I am not sure what else are you asking?

    Bookmark   May 10, 2011 at 5:04PM
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Sylvia, you were rude from the beginning....

po1, I also said that from the beginning she would ask us to keep him most of the time. We were paying child support to her, she was listed as custodial parent but we really did have him most of the time. Every weekend after he started school, every break, all summer... until he started baseball. If you add up overnights, time spent with child, ours would equal way more.

She's just not a normal mom. She gave him up over a text message for heavens sake. Ok, so I get you guys are understanding she's a loser. I'll let you know if she accepts my husbands offer of more time at Christmas for these few days to finish tournament.

I don't know if you read above... I would be willing to let her stay here to watch tournament. I'd hate every last minute of it but I'd be fake nice to her and do it for my ss happiness. She's not working.... she has the time. She is just one of those people who can't be alone and won't go anywhere without her man.

    Bookmark   May 11, 2011 at 11:31AM
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Little miss texas has a history of responding with non-productive, troll-ish commentary.

    Bookmark   May 11, 2011 at 12:17PM
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Glad it's not just me domino!

Just so we're clear here as well.... bm isn't wanting to go by the guidelines either. She's never wanted to. That's why she didn't want to go to court... her exact words were... "no judge will tell me how to raise my son"

our orders states "The Petitioner Mother is granted parenting time with the child fore eight weeks during the child's summer vacation from school, on at least one weekend a month, over the national and religious holidays according to the same schedule that has been the historic practice of the parties; and at all other reasonable times and places as the parties may agree. In the event there should arise a dispute as to parenting time then the terms of the ...... (insert state) Parenting Time Guidelines when distance is a factor shall control."

This is what the guidelines state
"During any extended summer period of more than two (2) consecutive weeks with the non-custodial parent, the custodial parent shall have the benefit of the regular parenting time schedule set forth above, unless impracticable because of distance created by out of town vacations. Similarly, during the summer period when the children are with the custodial parent for more than two (2) consecutive weeks, the non-custodial parent's regular parenting time continues, unless impracticable because of distance created by out of town vacations."

She absolutely refuses to believe she has to give him that one weekend he would be entitled to. So.... you see, we aren't the only ones who have a problem here.

    Bookmark   May 11, 2011 at 1:06PM
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If he leaves after the game on the 25th and comes home on the 15th of August for school on the 16th that is 7 weeks plus a couple days. Maybe if Dad offers like the Labor Day weekend (yeah I know extra traveling sucks but if it's worth it to the SS...) she will more or less get her 8 weeks during summer. Labor Day Weekend is basically thought of as the grand final summer weekend and kids do have it off (school vacation day).

Then if she still wants an extra few days at winter break , give it to her. It's a fair offer and reasonable compromise. If she turns Dad down she gets to pick up the phone and personally explain to son why it just won't work for her.

The language in your agreement is pretty loose. It really does not say must be 8 straight weeks and as it appears to be a loophole use it (can't hurt to try).

Next spring long before baseball season, have Dad phone to make definate summer 8 weeks plan.

While it is considerate of you to offer your home as a landing pad for BM...what ARE you thinking? LOL. I really think that is asking for problems. Picture it now 'BM and BF opening beers and tossing themselves all over your sofa and asking when dinner is served'. I can have the patience of a rcok wall and an ever so pleasant poker face and attitude after years in PR/HR, but even I would lose it after a few days of that.

    Bookmark   May 11, 2011 at 1:39PM
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That's an excellent idea justmetoo!!! It's our year for holidays so if he offers that then she may just budge. Thanks!!!!! I will bring it up to him.

I really don't want her in my home... I work odd hours and wouldn't want her here alone snooping. BUT... like I said, I'd do whatever for my ss. I don't believe she'd really go for it anyway.

    Bookmark   May 11, 2011 at 3:54PM
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sylvia always responds with very to the point comments, never unproductive. I don't even know who dominoswrath is? Don't recall anyone under this name posting on this forum.

I still think that weekends, breaks and summer is not MOST of the time. My ex had DD for that much, I would be surprised if he said he had her most of time, A LOT of time maybe, but not most of the time. And I think it is great that kid was that much with his dad rather than 24/7 with mom.

I think that if mom is willing to accommodate kid's sport schedule, fine. But if she doesn't, I think dad has to follow court order or bring it up in court again. Again if she is good or bad mother or likes to shop or whatever she is beyond the point, either follow CO or file in court.

i have stayed in ex's and his wife's house previously and he stayed in mine. But there is no animosity between any of us. I think it would be a disaster in your circumstances.

    Bookmark   May 11, 2011 at 4:50PM
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po1.... We had him so often before he started school that he called me mama until I tought him differently, I never tought him to call me mama, we just had him so much I guess it confused him. I toght him to walk, tie his shoe, write his name, ride his bike, the list goes on. Her mother even made comments that we had him more then she did. If that weren't the truth he wouldn't have fought me so hard EVERYTIME I had to give him back. You know how infants and toddlers hang on to you when they don't want to go to someone? That's what he did to me when I would take him back to her. Again....i had to take him back cause my hubby worked nights. We had him that much till he started school..... Then we still had him every single weekend and anytime he had a break. There were even times she'd have us keep him from school cause she had something going on. So, add up all the hours we have spent with him and add up hers.... I guarantee ours accounts for many more. I think now you are just trying to be argumentative. Justmetoo was helpful.

    Bookmark   May 11, 2011 at 6:23PM
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I don't argue with you that he was with dad very often, I just don't see how it is wrong or how it is most of the time when it was weekends and breaks. But even if it was most of the time, I see nothing wrong with child being with his father so often, how is that bad or that unusual? My DD was with her father very often as well. I think it is good, it is a foundation of good relationship in the future. Even a child is with dad more than with mom, I see nothing wrong with that. Plenty of SMs here have their SKs 50/50 or more. Maybe because your own child was abandoned by his father you might think that fathers having their kids with them a lot is somehting unique. There is nothing to be argumentative about. It is normal.

I still think that unless mom is willing to be flexible and take him a week late, dad has to follow CO. If mom truly drinks all the time then dad should file for no unsupervised visitations for her. Child should not be exposed to this nonsense. But I would not go against judge's decision just because BM is not up to my standard.

    Bookmark   May 11, 2011 at 7:28PM
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No she's not arguementative I think your defensive to anyone that questions what you say. Who cares how many hours more you've had. You have custody now so what different does it make. She's still his mom. Loser or not. You cannot dictate what she does with her 8 weeks. I agree that she could wait a few days but maybe they already have plans? Who knows. I tried to get exdh to take dd to a July 4th parade several yrs ago that she was participating in... He got her July 1-31. It was on the 4th. He wouldn't budge. I learned then to not fight his time. It's his time, not mine and even though I've had her more than he ever will be ever to make up for... I cant use against him that in the past he didn't have her so NOW h shouldn't be able to exercise his rights. Won't fly. And that's just how I deal with it. I sure hope she let's your ss stay a few days so he can finish the season.

    Bookmark   May 11, 2011 at 7:34PM
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Exactly, myfampg. It would be nice if mom picks him up later, but if not well that's how it is. Noncustodial parents have legal rights to see their children, and courts recognize that. The fact that kids was staying with the other parent a lot or noncustodial parent is a loser is not relevant here. Plenty of people think their exes are losers, not good enough reason to go against judge's decision. I never had CO yet I think it is there for a reason. If mom is unfit (by legal standards not SM's standards), then it is entirely different issue.

    Bookmark   May 11, 2011 at 9:11PM
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Dominoeswrath, who on earth are you?

I wouldn't call OP's claims of superiority "standards".

She's just manipulating the situation so that the mother can't win & OP can blast the child's mother while patting her own self on the back;

OP &/or her husband signed the child up for competitive sports although they knew that
the child wouldn't be able to complete the season at his mother's & that
they couldn't keep him from his mother because of sports.

I'd bet a Coke that, if this mother agreed to "wait a few days", it still wouldn't be good enough.
OP would blast her for not caring enough to "be there for him".

Every post has focused on what a bad mother the mother is & what a good mother OP is & not on the boy.

This boy is being used so his stepmother can feel superior to his mother.

    Bookmark   May 12, 2011 at 11:52AM
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amen sylvia

    Bookmark   May 12, 2011 at 1:22PM
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Why would you ask "Dominoeswrath, who on earth are you?"
Really??? She is another poster that does not agree with you so your question who she is. What kind of explanation are you looking for?

Momof3- I think it it terribly selfish of BM to not give up a few days so SS can finish baseball. My SS11 plays competitive baseball so I understand how important it is to the kid and his team. Should you have signed him up? Well that seems to be up for question. I say when you have 4 boys it would be very difficult to tell one "sorry but your Mom does not support you in this activity so you will have just go to everyone else's games and watch them play". Some of these ladies may want to think they would have made the "right" decision but I dont they even they would have had the heart to tell the kid that. We are super busy with my Sk's. We run from activities to church and back all the time. Sure its not a stay at home relaxing weekend all the time my my kids are having fun and enjoying their childhood. Thankfully for them we all fully support them. I say dont listen to the harsh comments form these ladies. PO1 raised 1 kid, that she said did not play sports and obviously her opinion of sports differs, so I dont think has a clue of your situation. I dont know about Sylvia but I cant remember her saying anything helpful or nice on here. Too bad there is not a button to ignore user on this forum. Anyway, I just had to say something becasue I have been reading all the ugle things they are saying, it does not take much for some people on here to form their opinion and start analysing you and then they can even start just making things up. So just pretend you have that IGNORE on. Good luck, I really do hope that BM will give in and you can make up that time with her the JMT suggested.

    Bookmark   May 12, 2011 at 5:32PM
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Well, who *is* dominoeswrath?
no answer yet.

While I do try to be helpful, I am not "nice" about the mistreatment of children or the use of children as weapons in battles between adults.

    Bookmark   May 12, 2011 at 7:00PM
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Sylvia, I thought your first post (first response to Op's post up the top) was spot on and after reading all other posts (pfew...) I still think that is the best post.

    Bookmark   May 12, 2011 at 8:02PM
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I think the reason for asking who domino is is because the opinion was do strong towards someone who is a consistent poster where none of us have ever seen a dominoeswrath post before. I think that was the only reason to ask. Just my opinion of course

    Bookmark   May 12, 2011 at 8:12PM
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jess, maybe I raised one kid who isn't into sports but you didn't raise any kids! So I don't see how it is even relevant who raised how many kids and what their kids did. By your logic you shouldn't be posting on anything kids related due to having zero experience on the issue.

My DD is into other things, there is more to life than sports but in any case she was never made to choose between her parents and activities and she was not put in the middle of any adults disagreements by neither me nor her father.

jess, you misunderstood the whole point, this is not about importance of sport activities, but about importance to not put children in the middle of adult issues.

Also well rounded upbringing involves more than taking kids to play baseball. There is art, music, books, travel, and old fashioned discussing life with them. And don't forget about being a role model with good values (this one is the most important and beats any baseball games). It is naive to assume that running kids to games and arguing with the kid's parent is the best parenting.

"my kids"? You don't have kids.
Yes i agree with yabber, the first sylvia's post on this thread is the best and pretty much addresses the issue 100%

    Bookmark   May 12, 2011 at 8:24PM
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Bright side ... he got to play most of the season...

    Bookmark   May 13, 2011 at 12:47AM
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okay, I feel like mom3 is getting a little to much harshness floated her way. I realize that she is frustrated... I mean why can't Bm just arrange things a few more days? Why can't she just come to town one time to see him play? And really, can I just say these kids can play a sport but you can't?

I can understand her frustration... I don't care where you are at or what circumstances... a text message to say you can have our kid full time shows little to no caring... moving without consideration of your own childs feelings and how things will actually work out is infuriating.

I think mom3 has a lot of pent up anger at the way BM dismissed all of the considerations of just moving away and saying you take the kid...

I mean I would fight heaven and earth for my kid.. but to just randomly say whatever... doesnt show the kind of caring most of us are used to or think about...

If nothing else I think she should say talk to your mom... who cares if he doesnt finish the season... it is not life or death... it is not college or even high school level... this will not effect the rest of his life. The only thing this will effect is parents being frustrated. And, I am sorry who cares if the team is dissappointed... in this day in age parents are divorced...things are complicated...but the important thing is he had fun and learned teamwork... heck tell the coach ahead of time custody arrangements say x and we hope for y but just in case you are aware.

And always always make kids talk to BM... if she doesnt want to help or handle certain things let her explain it. It is her decision ... let it be her decision.

    Bookmark   May 13, 2011 at 1:28AM
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Wow. It's hot in here....

Domino has probably been lurking. I lurked here for over a year before I said anything.

I didn't hear OP say anything about "I" signed him up. I heard "We, we, we, we, we" so to say she started this and it's all her fault seems to be stretching it a bit. Surely dad wouldn't stand by idly while this evil SM pumped his kid's hopes and dreams up in anticipation of them falling to the ground.

There are so many lifestyles. Some regions are completely centered around sports, and for them, "normal" is baseball. Slap some Apple pie in the kid's hand and you have an icon. Her SS won't have a "normal" childhood because the other children in the house (what we are using to judge the "norm") play baseball, and he loves baseball, but he can't play baseball... So, in their house that's abnormal.

I agree the best situation is to downplay it with the kid, talk to mom about switching some days and hope for the best. It is hard when one kid can't do what the others do. I had a stepsister and sometimes it was really hard because one of us would get to do something and the other wouldn't... simply because we had different parents.

    Bookmark   May 13, 2011 at 1:49AM
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"I think mom3 has a lot of pent up anger at the way BM dismissed all of the considerations of just moving away and saying you take the kid..."

yes but it seems she was angry even when kid lived with BM 2 hours away: the kid was staying with dad on the weekends and school breaks (how is that bad or most of the time?) and then mom was getting $58.00 a week CS and dared to ask for help with diapers while SM never asked her deadbeat ex for anything (nothing to be proud about). And now SM thinks BM is doing illegal drugs because she looks awful. Gee..It seems that SM just dislikes BM. And I don't even think this anger has anything to do with SS.

Also nobody denied SS playing baseball, BM wanted to sign him for summer at her location but SM says it is not competitive enough.

    Bookmark   May 13, 2011 at 4:40AM
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First, Jess, Mof4 and Silversword, thank you very much for understanding!!! You get it!! I was very very angry at his bm when she had custody of my ss po1 because she didn't really EVER take care of him. While she was asking for all of the extras, diapers and such she was also smoking like a chimney, drinking like a fish... going out EVERY weekend to the bars, tanning, etc. During the 4 months my ss was alive and my husband and I were not together he was giving her cash before the court order... she was doing all these things yet he was living with a friend barely eating to provide for his son... yet she's living it up. She continued to live it up.... heck, she's still doing it. She puts herself first ALWAYS, and again.... I had him way more when he was an infant/toddler then she did. I've explained this.

To clear up my son's father.... I did fight for child support. I've been fighting for my back support for 11 years. No... I didn't ask for EXTRAS!!! What point is there to ask for extras if I can't get my court ordered $51.41 per week? He owes me $12,000 in back support right now. Yes... at times he paid here and there, that's why $51.41 x 52 weeks per year x 11 years doesn't add up to $12,000..... we seem to be getting a little picky here so I'll explain that. I've gotten one tax check from him, one lump sum of $1500 and a few months of payments here and there. My last payment of $75 was made May 5 this year... that was to keep him out of jail... didn't work.... for the first time.... he was sentenced to serve an actual 9 months in jail for nonsupport of a dependent. Yes, he is reporting to jail on May 19 to serve. I fought very very hard for that but I cannot ask for him to give my son extras when I can't get what's court ordered. As far as my oldest son...... his dad does pay his support, I didn't ask for extras because I thought that's what I get support for. As he's gotten older I have never even bothered to get my support raised... he's doing what he's supposed to do therefore I don't want to rock the boat. The guy that hasn't paid me calls me a money hungry b word for simply wanting what he owes... it's not like I'm ordered thousands a month, I just wanted him to take care of his responsibility.

Back to the originial topic.... Bm did NOT want to sign my ss up for baseball at her home. She couldn't, baseball games start in May.... she didn't even want him till June 20.... like I said that's the last full week of baseball. She wants to sign him up for daycamps at the Y. It's not even close to the same thing. Also... bm has NEVER looked this bad. She has sores around her mouth, big black circles around her eyes, she's slurring her words on the phone to dh, when we went to court her hair was a mess, looked like it hadn't even been brushed. I've know her for 10 years, I can tell something is definately up. Also, her new bf or husband whatever he is... his sister just got arrested for heroin posession. I've spoken to the mother of the child he abandonded and she said that he and his brother smoke pot all the time. Both the bf and bm's teeth are horrible now. These are all reasons to believe that she's doing something. I just don't have to absolute proof in my hands... which is what you have to have to go to court.

Honestly I can say that I HATE what she's done to my ss. Him throwing huge fits to go back to her, her calling my dh at all hours because she can't get him to do anything for her, her leaving him alone 8 hours a day at the age of 9, him begging me to find him something to do... even when bm had custody.... at her location cause she wouldn't, him outright being afraid of alcohol, the look on his face when we told him she decided not to come back for him, the things she told him before she moved, the fact that she tought him to lie to us so she wouldn't get in trouble... I still think that's going on. There's plenty more. It's not just because she wanted us to basically provide everything for him while she spent all her money on her. At one point... my husband was between jobs, I had the money (from my job!!!) so I went ahead and paid her support really far in advance so that would be out of the way till my husband could get another job. When I saw her next, I asked if she understood that that was payment in advance and we wouldn't be paying again for awhile... she said "Yep, and I was so excited, I got to go out and buy my pink razer"... that's when that phone was cool. Anyway, that really upset me. I understand that sometimes the support may not get used directly for the child, just so long as the child has everything he/she needs. BUT... she still asked for extras for the child cause she ran out of money. She knew I paid that..... if that's what you do with the money, whatever but seriously keep it to yourself!!!

She also recently picked a fight by text message with my husband. She demanded to begin having my ss every other weekend (we knew she wouldn't follow through... but she was fighting)....the court order obviously states one weekend per month. At 4 plus dollars a gallon there is no way to go every other..... anyway, my husband told her he couldn't afford that.... she then said "Don't tell me you can't afford it, you got a pretty good deal in this whole custody thing.... not only do you Not have to pay me anymore but I pay you.... that should be an extra $500 per month in your pocket." We paid $58, she pays $56... it's the same money she was getting. Then my dh said "If I meet you eow it'll cost me over $400 in gas, there goes the support"... she then said "just for the record, $58 per week for 10 years didn't cover *&$#" Ok.... so, when she had him she was poor and it didn't cover anything.... when we have him this support makes us rich!!! Hardly... the kid eats like a horse and like I said, we are including him in activities. I also make sure he has clothes that fit him nicely. She NEVER did that. He looked like an orphan with her unless we provided the clothing. He was getting bullied at his old school, he's very popular and a leader here. His grades went from all B's to 4 A's and 2 B's. He NEVER turned in homework there.... he's always turning it in here. She had one child, she couldn't help him get his homework done.... we have 4... they all get it done. So..... am I upset that my ss has to have a pos for a bm, YEP!!! Do I despise her... YEP!!!! Is it because of any bad reason? I don't think so.

And you know..... at one point she had us believing she was getting physically abused at home. I called her myself because my husband didn't want to. I called her and offered her a place to go if she really needed it. Come to find out... yes, they got in a physical fight, but she fought just as hard and it was because she cheated on her ex-husband and got caught by her ex-mother-in-law.

I've tried to be nice to her in everyway possible. When you see a child getting treated the way she treats him.... and only wants to see him when it's convenient for HER, why should I have compassion for her? Yes, I get we have to follow the court order and we are prepared to do so. I just know that in my situation with my oldest son, his dad would let him finish because it means so much to my son. BM again, just wants to see him when it's convenient to her. BOTH times she's had him for a week or two since the custody change, she's called us and asked us to come get him early. SO.... if that's going to happen and she's going to give up days anyway, can't we make it at the beginning for his sake? No... that's not convenient for HER. No.... this isn't High school or college, this isn't life or death. BUT... it is something in my area that if you don't play at a young age and become great in it, you won't get to play at those levels. You have to start young cause everyone does.

Also, I have had to force him to call his mom... by dialing and handing him the phone. For her birthday, holidays, etc. He always says "I will" then doesn't. I force him to speak to her. It usually only lasts a couple minutes, but once he's on the phone I can't control how long the conversation lasts.

    Bookmark   May 13, 2011 at 7:35AM
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Mom of 3.... just a nugget of advice. You don't need to hash out every detail. People will pick at your story until you're running in circles defending yourself.

There are two ways this could go. Either you're dogging BM or she's really a crackpot.

"Nobody on this board ever says that kids should stay with BMs doing activities because activities are more important than dad. Yet activities are supposed to be more important than mom. Double standards...."

It's true. My SD's BM makes SD choose all the time. Fun activity or Dad. But this is one week. This is not a sleepover or Dad's house this weekend etc. story. And actually, BM last time let SD miss a day of her reading program so she could stay longer with us and go to a family gathering... that was pretty generous, I thought.

This is a long-term activity that overlaps the time another parent is entitled to. My ex and I work it out so that DD can finish the activities she started during the year before she goes to see him for the summer. It's only going to hurt/help the kid if they get to finish. If Ex said "no, DD can't participate in the play because she needs to leave the day after school gets out... I would be upset too.

But I should anticipate that when DD goes to try out for the play and I realize it's going a week into summer. That's the time to say, DD, you'll be with dad during that time. And if DD really wants to do it we can try to work something out. If you can't... well, sorry kid. It sucks. But there will be other things for her to do. What is really disturbing in this is that the BM doesn't appear to have anything pressing going on, she just doesn't want SS to do what you want him to do. So instead of looking at what is best for the child, she's looking at even-steven.

Why has no one brought up the police coming to the house because a 9 year old was left alone? Why are we harping on conjecture like SM never asked deadbeat dad for anything... etc? What does that have to do with anything?

Like Myfam said... sometimes the other parent just doesn't want to budge. And the kid is the one who doesn't get to do what they want. And at that time it's the other parent's job to say "oh well, I'm sure you'll have a great time with your mom/dad". And not rub it in their face that they can't do whatever fun thing it is they're missing.

The kid will be fine if he doesn't play baseball, I'm sure. But that's not OP's point.

    Bookmark   May 13, 2011 at 10:28AM
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"jess, maybe I raised one kid who isn't into sports but you didn't raise any kids! So I don't see how it is even relevant who raised how many kids and what their kids did. By your logic you shouldn't be posting on anything kids related due to having zero experience on the issue.


"my kids"? You don't have kids."

Wow. And you're running around crying foul because I said your relationship to the SM role is different than others because you met your Skids after they were raised?

It's my understanding Jess has been helping to raise three kids for the past two years (that she's been legally married at least, who knows how long before that).

All Jess was saying that perhaps, because your child was not interested in sports and it wasn't a big deal in your family that you don't understand the importance. That's it. And you come back with this?

How dare you?

    Bookmark   May 13, 2011 at 11:06AM
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Thank you for understanding Silversword!!!! I feel better just knowing some people understand.

I also promise you, I'm not just dogging bm. I was not home when my dh got the text to keep my ss and enroll him in school. He called me, I immedietly burst into tears. 1) Because I was happy for my dh 2) I was sad for my ss 3) I never believed she'd stoop that low and I just couldn't believe what was happening. Yes, she's his mom and he gets to spend time with her. When the kids are grown.... really, who's going to be more damaged? My son who was abandonded early and didn't have to go through all this drama.... or my ss who will have to live with what she does to him forever. I guess in the end I'm glad my son's dad just left and never came back. He now gets a dad that loves him uncondionally and doesn't give him all this crap.

    Bookmark   May 13, 2011 at 11:25AM
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You know, waaaaaay back in the original posting, dated May 7, Mom Of 3 said "We put my ss in baseball this year. His bm knew we were doing this. She said nothing about it, just let us do it... Last night she texted my husband asking when school was out because she was going to be getting him as soon as it was done...."

BM obviously did not have immediate plans for SS - she didn't even know when SS's summer vacation began! It sounds like BM is entitled to most of the summer, by CO, so one could assume that a reasonable person would be picking SS up within a certain time frame. But then, a reasonable person doesn't just announce that they're moving out of state with a new BF and leaving their child behind either.

Our BM is entitled to one week of summer vacation this year with SS. She has not even mentioned it yet. We have no idea when or if she is planning to do so. By the "Mom has the right to custodial time according to CO and no interfering with it" argument, we are unable to sign SS up for anything this summer - until such time as BM chooses to let us know if and when she might deign to see him. Makes child care arrangements just a bit difficult, don't ya think?

To me, it's a huge difference between Mom of 3's SS being signed up for something that they knew, without a doubt, that he would be unable to complete - and his being signed up months ago for something that they did not, at that time, know whether he'd be able to finish or not. The latter is a very poor situation - it becomes a guessing game for all of them as to whether or not SS can sign up for, and complete, activities - or whether he sits them out and then it ends up that he would have been able to play.

    Bookmark   May 13, 2011 at 11:42AM
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Agreed Mattie.

Proactive, involved, child-centered parents would do their best to make sure the children have an even "ride" between the different homes. Children need stability.

A lot of parents would rather play out their personal vendettas against the other parent rather than do what is best for the child.

Mom3 said that any man who wants to see his child has the resources to do so regardless of BM. That may be true. I know personally as a child that my mother made it next to impossible for my dad to see me. Looking back it's really obvious. My dad choose not to fight her but to be there when he could. I have more respect for him for not dragging the whole relationship through the mud. It could have been ugly.

My DH chooses to let SD finish out her activities, do her projects, and not battle her BM for his "due". I sincerely believe he is doing the right thing in his situation. We are here for SD, she knows she is always invited.

So yes, my DH could see his DD more. But it would drastically increase the stress on DD. I'm not sure that would be better....

    Bookmark   May 13, 2011 at 12:15PM
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That's another GREAT point Mattie!!! I keep a record of everything... so here it is...

Bm gave child up Oct 24, had him for Holloween weekend so that we could then go to her old home and grab all of his stuff. She saw him next for Thanksgiving, all 4 days. Then she saw him Dec 23 to January 1, she was supposed to keep him till January 2.... but asked us to come get him early. She said she wanted him for her January weekend January 15, she cancelled then said it'd be the next weekend, she again cancelled, same with the next. She said she'd just get him Feb 19. That's when my ss asked his mom if he could stay with us. She allowed it, she then said herself that she'd wait to get him for spring break. He went for Spring break from March 19 to April 1, yes, she made him miss a week of school to make up for her back outs, they did not leave for Florida till Mar 24, so there were a few days there that ss missed school but sat at her home doing nothing. I'm against that but whatever. (She DID NOT have him do his homework that was sent either... we made that up with him during the week we had him after this).... She was supposed to keep him till April 2 but again asked us to pick him up a day early. (Do you see a pattern? She likes Saturday nights to herself... I wonder why?!?!) He then went with her April 22 and she wanted us to pick him up at 2:00 on April 25. Fine with us, our Holiday.... but still 2:00?!?! Now she doesn't want him again till he comes for the summer. SO... it's always only when convenient for her. There's no rhyme or reason to any of the visits. We cannot plan anything because heaven forbid we "deny" her her visit when she wants it. I've asked my dh to please please please get it as a set weekend every month so that we and he can plan our life. Our state guidelines also state that bm has to tell dh what dates she wants him by April 1, she DID NOT do that! So.... by law, he's supposed to be able to decide. Yes, I know she still is entitled to her court ordered 8 weeks. I'll bet money on it we get him back early though!

    Bookmark   May 13, 2011 at 12:30PM
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I forgot to add, she wanted him last weekend for Mother's Day, he asked to stay. AND.. everytime he asks her to stay with us.... I have had NOTHING to do with that. My husband informs me after the fact that he's asked her to stay with us and she's allowing it.

    Bookmark   May 13, 2011 at 12:37PM
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"at one point she had us believing she was getting physically abused at home."
I called her myself because my husband didn't want to. I called her and offered her a place to go if she really needed it.
Come to find out... yes, they got in a physical fight, but she fought just as hard and it was because she cheated on her ex-husband and got caught by her ex-mother-in-law."

So this woman got hit but it doesn't count?
she was asking for it?
she deserved it?

Maybe you could find a hobby that doesn't involve obsessing about this woman...

    Bookmark   May 13, 2011 at 1:56PM
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PO1: "jess, maybe I raised one kid who isn't into sports but you didn't raise any kids! So I don't see how it is even relevant who raised how many kids and what their kids did. By your logic you shouldn't be posting on anything kids related due to having zero experience on the issue.

"my kids"? You don't have kids."

By the same logic you should not be posting here. I am helping to raise "my kids" along with my husband and their mother. My point was that you do not understand having a kid in sports and what that means to the kid.

I believe it is relevant. You have never been in a situation of having more than one child nor have you ever had to try to please 4 kids, a BM, and a DH all at the same time. YOu have no clue how OP feels, you just like to be ugly to people to make yourself feel better. You had a little fit when you thought Silver told you that you dont belong here because YOU are NOT a stepmom. You have been told that several time on here because its TRUE. You can act like whatever you want to but legally your not. You have complained about your SO's adult daughters, stealing your stuff, not taking care of your house,being selfish and spoiled, and about BM being drunk at Her own daughters wedding and how you saved the day. Wow seems you have some BM bashing in your history. I think you want to be SM but for some reason you still are not married to your SO. I think you even moved out for some time and moved back in not too long ago. Now you want all of us to think your SO's kids love you, and its all great and full of sunshine and butterflies. We are not fools and can see through you Miss PO1.

PO1 "Also well rounded upbringing involves more than taking kids to play baseball. There is art, music, books, travel, and old fashioned discussing life with them. And don't forget about being a role model with good values (this one is the most important and beats any baseball games). It is naive to assume that running kids to games and arguing with the kid's parent is the best parenting."

You are so narrow minded. So you think that kids that play sports (its not just baseball) know nothing about, art, music, and dont read books and that they are not receiving a well rounded upbringing. Really??? We do not put our kids in the middle, we all make sure they get to start and finish whatever activity its is. Momof3 is not putting her SS in the middle either she just wants whats best for him and is willing to fight for him, while his BM is won't.

Thanks Silver, I had not had a chance to read the post and respond.

    Bookmark   May 13, 2011 at 2:07PM
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Some people are physical. My DH used to get abused by his wife. It's a matter of public record.

All women who cry domestic abuse are not abused... BM in our case tried to tell the police that DH was hitting her and the police took one look at DH's defensive wounds and laughed. They could tell she had self-injured and was the initiator.

Domestic abuse is no laughing matter, no one ever deserves to get hit, and it always counts. But the woman is not always the victim.

    Bookmark   May 13, 2011 at 2:21PM
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I am absolutely NOT saying she deserved to be hit. I'm saying she started it. She threw punches as well. She's my size, about 5'7" and 130lbs, her ex-husband is NOT even 5' tall. Yes, he's still a strong man but if she was hitting him too they are both at fault. Maybe you should do something over decide how to argue with me next. Just stop answering my posts.

Thank you Jess for understanding!!! And just to throw this in there.... My 8 year old LOVES art, that's what he says he's going to be when he grows up... an artist. But... he plays baseball so I guess he probably won't get to. Ha! That was sarcasm!! He even has a picture framed and hung up at the school.

    Bookmark   May 13, 2011 at 2:27PM
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$58 a week doesn't cover the cost of afterschool child care for my dd10.... During the school year, summer care is double the cost it is now...
Just saying

    Bookmark   May 13, 2011 at 3:33PM
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I understand that... but we only get $56 now!!!!!!!!!!!! It's all the same!! It's the same either way! We have to pay for what she was paying for before! Yet now with her $56 we are rich but when she got the $58 She was poor. That DOES NOT make sense!! Plus, we always bought him clothes, paid for sports etc. BM has not paid for any sports since we have had him nor has she sent one piece of clothing home with him.... to include Christmas time.

    Bookmark   May 13, 2011 at 3:38PM
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Mom3S1, what's the 'plan' for your SS if things turn out badly at his BM's? Does he have a cellphone that he'll be able to keep and carry? Has there been a discusion on what and how to reaction if something unexpected and/or worse happens?

While you certainly don't want to scare him or do an 'anti' speech, with this BM under suspect of serious drugs and lots of drinking ...does he know what to do if (heaven forbid) she left him for extreme lengths of time or was so drugged up/drunk that he was on his own? This is like the first extended stay in the new state and with the BF. How does BF and SS get along?

While the posting have basically been baseball, baseball, baseball for the majority of this thread, there has been things in your own postings giving concern about actual safety and well being. Not what BM did years ago or even last a year ago (all that is over and past and can't be currently used)...I'm talking since the move in October. How has the visits been for SS since this move and this new BF?

    Bookmark   May 13, 2011 at 4:39PM
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I never said my child was not into sports I said she was not running to many different sports and it certainly wasn't baseball, she was in equestrian sports competitively. But it is really beyond the point.

And jess you seem to have difficulty with understanding logic "You have never been in a situation of having more than one child", yes it is true I have one, but I don't understand your argument? I understand one child is not that many, I wasn't able to have more, but with all due respect it is still more than none. So what is your argument?

You seem to be very angry about something and need to release it here, it is fine with me if it helps you. I really do not know what you are screaming about. As everyone here I have my struggles but I certainly have never slept with anyone's husbands, and just a recently you weren't allowed around SKs because how disturbed they are over dad's affair with you. I never slept with other people's spouses and I was never not allowed around anyone's children.

It is true we aren't married yet as many others on this post we decide to live together first, we are taking our time in deciding to marry, but really it is neither here nor there. No matter what we do it is better than sleeping with other people's spouses. No taking kids to sports and watch them play games will ever fix that. I raised only one child but I taught her values by being an example. You can take three of them to sports it is fine, but it is not what is important in life. I wish your stepkids the best.

    Bookmark   May 13, 2011 at 5:36PM
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I recall that just a year ago your SD plotted to suffocate or kill you with a knife, to all honesty I will take my not real not legal (since I am not married LOL) SD, who leaves a mess in the kitchen over your situation(she is here now since last night and already used a roll of toilet paper LOL). I was never hated like this by anyone, I never gave anyone a reason, but you did. It doesn't matter if you think i belong here or not. I think you need to do more reflection on your life, possibly therapy could help, good luck.

    Bookmark   May 13, 2011 at 5:53PM
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Momof3 you take my post as a slap at you. Please stop being so defensive. MYBAD!! I meant $56/week. Sheesh!!

    Bookmark   May 13, 2011 at 6:01PM
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justmetoo... He has a cellphone. He is really bad about having it on him or charged though, he also loses it all the time. His mom got the phone for him when she was leaving him home alone. I really don't think he's old enough for it. He's far too irresponsible but.... Ohh well, and I will be glad he has it there. I am really really afraid she's going to leave him home alone again or home with her mans kid. He's 11 but even more immature then my ss. He's a brat and I don't trust him at all. My ss has videos of him blowing up pop bottles and knocking over furniture by running and jumping on it. Yes, I'm also afraid he will be around the drugs. I'm trying to speak to him about them now but randomly and kinda sneaky so he doesn't think I'm attacking his mom. For ex: I met a boyss mom that goes to school with my 11 yr old yesterday.... I thought she looked like a crack head, I actually said to my ss that I thought she looked "rough".... He thought I meant physically abused. So I mentioned the DARE program. He got it. I've also shown the boys pics of people who haad been on meth. We will get it figured out before he goess. I am very very nervous though. I think he gets along ok right now with the new man but he has never spent this much time with him. I know he finds the kid annoying. So that should be interesting if they get into fights.

tonight he mentioned something about how he used to get bullied at his old school. He then said it doesn't matter cause he's in a much better place now. He said he never wanted to go back to that life again. My dh was trying to get him to elaborate but he kinda dropped it. He even mentioned calling me mommy again. I told him he doesn't call me that. He said he could call me step mommy. I just laughed. He can call me whatever he likes when he gets older but right now I think he should stick to my first name so his bm doesn't have a hissy.

    Bookmark   May 13, 2011 at 10:44PM
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