Greener Grass?

1d3c1d3m3y3f4t3May 24, 2013

I have a boyfriend who is 25. He has a daughter who is going to be 8 soon.

I met him when I was 16, and we instantly clicked. He taught me a lot, and I fell in love with him. We've been together for 2 years now, and i'll be 19 soon. But he's not really the thing that bothers me... His daughter requires a lot of attention, and recently we've had to spend a lot of time in classes on how to handle children like her. She's been diagnosed as ADHD, and she's using it as a crutch to misbehave. And she never shows any appreciation for what either of us do for her. She can be sweet at times, and she knows how to behave, but we've recently had a run in with dfps over a spanking she got after she'd been misbehaving for over a month at school. We'd tried grounding and taking certain priviliges away but she didn't show any care for it. He even told her he loved her after the spanking and re explained why she got it and hugged her. And she still misbehaved the next day at school. So we've had to deal with the department for the last 6 months and she's back now, with weekly visits from a caseworker.

I'm just trying to paint a picture of how much time i've devoted to this girl, and this man. I love them both.

But i feel like i'm letting life slip by me. I've been living on my own since i was 16, I stayed with my grandparents for a certain time, in a small town, and i met him there. I didn't really want a boyfriend when i met him, but he was really into monogamy when dating someone, and there wasn't really anyone else worthy of talking to in the town any way so we started dating. And he was really cool and tidy, and we clicked really well. Our personalities suit eachother, and i've learned a lot from him.

We moved back to our home state, nothing beats the city, and got an apartment together, where i got a job until the summer when i had to quit to provide care for his daughter. She was so horrible, the way she acted made me think she didn't want me there, and i'm pretty independent, so for me to quit my job to provide care for this kid shows how much i care for this guy.

I'd much rather have a job and my own place, but Its like i can never work long enough to make money to get my own place when we have our rough patches. We've almost broken up like 3 times already because she's become too much to handle. But I've never had the money OR the friends to move out... And we end up making back up with the same old promises and she re promises to be good. I've heard promises of all kinds from her and she never follows through.

I'm tired of being a mommy. I took care of my junior brother of 4 years for basically till he was 13. I took care of my moms other children for the whole time I tried to live with her. Its like everywhere I got I have to provide care for someone.

He's really handsome, and because I cook so well, and lack of exercise other than his job, his body has kind of bulked up without the cut. Call me shallow, but I need physically attraction in a relationship still. I've mentioned a gym membership to him and he doesn't seem to want to keep himself in shape at all... I'm a pretty attractive woman, young and fit. our sex drived haven't always matched, but he IS a god in bed when we do manage. I'm worried about the decline of his sex drive as he gets older...

He's my first real live-with relationship...
I'm wondering If i just think the grass is greener, or if Its ok for me to wonder about whether or not I should be caring for a kid thats not mine because I still feel used. like now, im having to provide care for the summer for her again, and its already off to a rocky start because i have to stay on pins and needles around her.

I have no idea what i'm asking, i just want some feedback. I don't really have any friends.... Its like he's managed to make him and her MY whole world...

I'm a smart, level headed chick who can accomplish so much, and i feel like i'm being held back here....

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You have to ask yourself if you would be better off with him or without him. How long do you think you can go on like this? I have never experienced a child like that, do doctors say she will improve or be the same forever?

    Bookmark   May 24, 2013 at 9:46PM
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Really, I think it's OK to be "shallow" at 19. 19 is still very young.

This is a time in your life when you should be developing career skills, exploring life and relationships, learning how to be an independent person, but instead you're penned in to a situation where your options are getting narrower and narrower.

Meeting the needs of this little girl is "above your pay grade." She presents challenges that would try the patience of a much older and more experienced individual much less a young woman who isn't her parent.

Not only is it unfair to you but it's unfair to her. Many of your expectations (and probably her father's) are unrealistic for an eight-year-old, especially one with ADHD.

I don't know the circumstances or where this little girl's mother is, but quitting your job is not something you should be doing. It's an unreasonable and inappropriate expectation.

If you're dissatisfied today, try to imagine how bad it's going to feel in 5 years or so when you're feeling truly trapped with a man who no longer appeals and struggling to deal with a 13-year-old whose issues present even more of a challenge than they do now.

You've taken on responsibilities that are not your burden. I would encourage you to do whatever you can to move out and re-enter the work force. If you have relatives who can provide housing until you're able to live on your own, take advantage of the opportunity and move on.

As painful as leaving is now, it will only get worse later, especially if other children enter the picture.

    Bookmark   May 25, 2013 at 4:08AM
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I have been reading this thread and some of the older ones. There are so many sad situations and I wish some of the original posters would give us an update on their home situation. It is very sad to think they are not still so unhappy.

    Bookmark   May 25, 2013 at 8:20PM
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To me, based on what you've typed in OP, there are more 'issues' than just the child/playing mommy.

My 2 cents are hearing that you love this guy, but you are not in-love with him. You were lonely, stuck out in the middle of nowhere, he showed you kindness, companionship, and perhaps a way back to the city. You grabbed the chance, warts and all...but now you realize that perhaps there is more out there that you need and desire. Is this really how you want to live? Always peeking over the fence, but afraid to climb it ?

Do you really want to go through life with someone that does does physically attract you? That is A-okay with having you dump your job (or any additional future education) every summer?

Seriously, if DCFS is involved, I'm surprised they have not lead you to info on summer daycare centers. Inquire about alternative babysitting arrangements. If you intend to stay in this relationship daycare would be in both the best interest of you and the child. You could continue to work or go to school and the child would be in a stable constructive atmosphere. ADHD requires structure, routine, consistent rules and guidelines. Regular contact with other children during the summer months would not leave the two/three month gap she'd be getting currently.

Good luck to you.

    Bookmark   May 26, 2013 at 11:17AM
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I'm so sorry.

Really, if you read your own post as though it had been written by someone else, you'll realize that the answers are right there:

"I didn't really want a boyfriend when i met him, but he was really into monogamy "

"quit my job to provide care for this kid"

"we end up making back up with the same old promises and she re promises to be good. I've heard promises of all kinds from her and she never follows through."

(This one really bothers me. The promises, followed by the same-old-same-old, are between you & this guy, not between you & an 8-year-old; somehow your concept of the relationship has gotten turned sideways, making the little girl responsible for things for which she cannot possibly take responsibility, & I wonder who convinced you that she could/should.)

"I don't really have any friends.... Its like he's managed to make him and her MY whole world... "

If another person had written that, you'd say, "Whoa! This girl has been bamboozled into turning into a domestic servant/scapegoat! Get outta there, girl!"

& as for "I'm tired of being a mommy", you aren't a mommy.
You've been pushed (bullied? shamed?) into taking on the role, but it isn't yours.

This poor child has an absent "mommy" & a manipulative "daddy" (who, at the age of 23, started dating a 16-year-old & pressured her into a role that fits his own needs & not hers).

time to go get a job, hold onto it *no matter what*, save your money, & get out of there, or maybe call your grandparents if they can send you the money to get back to them.

Do not let this guy guilt you into sacrificing your own health, safety, welfare, whatever, for his convenience.

Take care of yourself, & keep it in the very front of your mind that these responsibilities belong to someone who will do whatever it takes to get you to take them off his back.

Disengage from these problems;
they do not belong to you.

Repeat as often as needed:

"Not my circus, not my monkeys."

I wish you the best.

    Bookmark   May 26, 2013 at 5:52PM
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Honestly, I feel like he's manipulated you into taking care of his child. You're young. You should be discovering so many new things. College maybe? Working for yourself. Friends. Deciding what type of career you want for yourself. Etc. I think you know what you should do. Please don't make your boyfriends issues YOUR issues. I would do whatever I could to get myself out of this situation. Even if it meant moving away from the city again.

    Bookmark   May 28, 2013 at 4:07PM
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"quit my job to provide care for this kid"

Wow when I think of an 18 year old doing something like this, I am speechless. At 18 you should be having fun with friends, dating, maybe in college or just in general figuring out what you want to do with your life. You really should re-think this. You are being held back. Stay in this mess and you will regret it, I (and everyone else here) can pretty much guarantee you that.

And also...spanking an 8 year old (or any age for that matter), really? And then being surprised that she had the nerve to "misbehave again the next day"?

Parenthood ain't that simple, cookie.....

    Bookmark   May 29, 2013 at 8:26AM
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I am concerned that the OP has not returned to post. I hope she has had an opportunity to reflect and consider what's been said and is not under any duress.

It is worrying that a 23-year-old man established a relationship with a 16-year-old. I'm wondering if he chose her specifically because of her youth and has been "grooming" her for this role. After all, we are talking about statutory rape.

    Bookmark   May 30, 2013 at 6:36PM
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I have a brother in law who advised their sons to marry young women so they can train them and then they will be less trouble. That is exactly what he did by marrying my younger sister. The amazing thing is she has put up with him. Most women would have kick him out when he stuck 25 watt bulbs in the lamp and fixed them so she couldn't put a higher wattage in. Or when he boarded up the window unit in the summer or made her turn off the central air until he got home from work. That is the short list.

    Bookmark   May 30, 2013 at 10:19PM
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Emma, this is more than an aggravating personality;
it's a typical, classical pattern for an abuser.

Please get in touch with your sister, & stay in touch with her *even if she isn't very nice to you*.

One of the best ways to isolate a person is to convince her that friends & family are all "against" her...
& then she'll alienate them herself.

I wish you the best.

    Bookmark   June 4, 2013 at 5:12PM
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I will not go around anyone who is intentional rude to me. She will never change, she has such a smart mouth both of her husbands hit her. Things are so bad in that family that one grand daughter in law won't let anyone in the family touch her baby and I wouldn't either if I was her. Believe me the baby would grow up with habits you wouldn't allow in your family. Racism, gay jokes in public, they don't care who hears them. When they go to Christmases get together, no one will sit with the younger generation not even my sister, their mother/grandmother.

    Bookmark   June 5, 2013 at 1:12PM
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she has such a smart mouth both of her husbands hit her

There is nothing a woman could say that would cause my husband, my son, my brother, my father, or my father-in-law to hit a woman, no matter what a smart-mouth she was.

    Bookmark   June 5, 2013 at 1:36PM
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That was true with my husband also, if he did I would call the police and have him arrested. There is no reason to hit a woman except in self defense.

    Bookmark   June 5, 2013 at 3:04PM
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Very true daisyinga and EmmaR. That's how I was raised and that's how I am raising my son, and that's what I am telling my daughter too. If a girl comes at you with a knife or gun, sure you have to defend yourself....but short of something crazy like that, no excuse to ever hit a woman.

And trust me the fact that I didn't B-slap my ex, with all the sh*t she pulled on me over the years, proves that I actually live up to that code....

    Bookmark   June 6, 2013 at 8:53AM
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Good for you MK. Sometimes we forget there are good guys and gals out there because the bad is what we always see on the news. I am good at staying positive, mainly because it is my nature. I smile at everyone My friends said, "you were flirting with that guy, you do it all the time." All I did was smile at a man. My reply was "I smile at every one if eye contact is made. I think it is rude and cold to look away."

    Bookmark   June 6, 2013 at 11:05AM
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I am impressed by the empathy & advice given on this post. everyone has valid points & pretty much feels the same way. I have an 18 year old daughter who just graduated HS. If a guy like this came into her life I would lock her in a closet! You only have a short time to be young b4 all the grow up stuff comes knocking at your door. Don't waste a second of your youth being unhappy. Work, get an education no matter what it takes! Make a good happy life for yourself because if you don't no one else will. From what I've read especially not a 23 year old man who has manipulated a 16 year old girl. I agree with a previous post, call grandparents ask for help & go home! There will be plenty of time for you to move back to the city when you can get yourself established with some money & security. Right now this is not secure just go & don't look back no matter how hard it may be. Good luck to you & I hope you come back here to read the great words so many have given you.

    Bookmark   June 7, 2013 at 2:08PM
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I hope you come back and let us know. I will be thinking of you and hoping for the best.

    Bookmark   June 7, 2013 at 3:26PM
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