A bit annoyed....but probably won't do anything about it

ashley1979May 7, 2010

X's GF is annoying the he** out of me right now (more so than usual).

She's really annoying to begin with, anyway, which is why this new thing is pushing me over the edge. Here's a quick run-down of her annoying stuff (aside from her always overstepping):

-laughs too loud. I'm guessing on purpose to get attention or something. Usually I can't hear anything the other person said right before her guffaw.

-copies everything X says and does. If he goes to the restroom, she goes. If he's telling me a story, she copies the last 2 or 3 words he said. It's like talking to Pete and Repeat.

-comes to every game and practice. There's never a break from her copying him or her guffaws! She doesn't even live or work anywhere close, yet she's at every game or practice, sometimes even before I can get there. X picks DS up from my house for practice. Makes sense for HIM to be there. But she drives 20 miles out of her way to be there.

-She talks over me. For example, last night one of the kids wanted DS to hang out. I have custody so I speak up to say no because we have a bunch of stuff to finish at home and she cuts me off and says "We have to go to the grocery store". Huh? Why is she answering for me, and what does that have to do with DS? HE'S WITH HIS MOTHER, LADY!

-She smokes at baseball games and practices. For that matter, X does, too. Now I'm not against smokers, as I do occasionally, but I know (because he's told me) that DS is embarassed by it. DS hasn't seen me smoke in years because I don't smoke in my home or my car and I don't do it around him. But, they do. And DS smells like smoke when he rides with X. Can't they go 2 hours? Can you imagine what other parents have to explain to their kids? It's just rude to whip out the smokes and light one up at a children's event...IMO.

Which brings me to the most annoying thing...her clothes. I'm not judgemental, but she wears the tackiest clothes. She always looks like bad, no matter how much she teases her ratty hair or how many belts she puts on (seriously there was 4 one time). She has big boobs, and lately she's been wearing low-cut tops or tops that should have something underneath them.

Mind you, I only see her at kids baseball games. It's not like I hang out in the club with her.

Last Saturday, she wore a black and white striped top that laced up the front WITH NOTHING ON UNDERNEATH IT. She was all hanging out the entire game! Last night she wore some floral-print satin top with a sweetheart neckline and a shrug. I swear the top was made for 10 year olds.

I, personally, wouldn't have an issue with this if it wasn't for 1 thing....DS is 4'10" tall and she's 5'3" tall. So...when she hugs him (and she's a full-frontal hugger, too) he is right at the height where the girls are in his face.

I notice this because I noticed it with myself a log time ago, but no one else seems to. He's 11 and about to start puberty! Won't that be uncomfortable for him? Who is she trying to be? The sexy SM? This isn't a contest to see who the sexiest mom is (she wouldn't win anyway; she's not even a mom and definitely not sexy; not by a long shot)!

I ALWAYS cover up. I don't want him to be embarassed! I don't want to say anything to DS because I don't want him to start noticing if he hasn't. I think I should say something to X, but I don't know how to say it.

Anyone got any ideas?

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I would address the smoking at the game if it embarasses DS... or maybe encourage DS to express himself in a positive way to dad about it.

I would also not tolerate someone talking over me... it is a huge pet peeve of mine. I hate being interuppted and make sure I apologize when I do it to somone else. I usually use the pointed "excuse me as I was saying" or "about to say"

However, the clothes issue is not really something you can control and will most definately cause problems if you attempt to address.

I know your situation is different but, in my own situation:
I am rather large on top and believe me it is a curse. It is ridiculously hard to find clothes that fit right I almost always have to go a size bigger just to fit the girls. When I wear a regular tank top (thick straps not low cut)... the girls are still very prominent. And I am sorry but I live at the beach in Florida... tank tops are necessary to avoid heat stroke. BM once had the audacity to feel the need to address my clothing to DH... she felt that my shirts showed to much cleavage and that was inappropriate. My first reaction and my continued reaction to this day is my daddy doesnt get to tell me what to wear... my husbands ex wife definately gets no opinion on my clothing attire. And, mind you she had no problem with her friends that wore incredibly short shorts and low cut tank tops... She was just being petty.

My point is whether or not you have a good point it will not go over well. If DS becomes embarassed by it... then it will be time to give him the communication tools to tell GF that it makes me uncomfortable when you do that please stop and then go from there.

    Bookmark   May 7, 2010 at 3:45PM
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"...whether or not you have a good point it will not go over well."


    Bookmark   May 7, 2010 at 4:19PM
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smoking maybe could be addressed, everything else, no. annoying but nothing you could do about it.
just vent here and laugh, she sounds trashy, so just laugh.

    Bookmark   May 7, 2010 at 4:59PM
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On this site we hear quite a few stepmom "horror" stories where they mistreated the kids, disliked them, hated them, etc. Personally, I'd be thanking my lucky stars that EX made such a great pick because it could be much MUCH worse. At first I was somewhat sympathetic but as the post went on and on and on it just seemed more and more petty. I would find her a bit annoying as well, but as I said, things could be a lot worse. Just remember - YOU are his mom, you don't have to compete or feel threatened.

    Bookmark   May 7, 2010 at 8:57PM
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Ashley, I have similar irritations about my WBSM. They could be worse... and they could be better, right??

Not much you can do but vent, but don't do it to DH!!! You'll only look bad. Oh, and the tata issue, I am willing to bet kids will come to their own opinion on that one. And not a positive one. Most kids want their parents to be modest once they're old enough to understand "indecent exposure". I feel your pain!

    Bookmark   May 7, 2010 at 11:18PM
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Piper, I don't think Ashley feels threatened... Just annoyed.
And I'd like to point out that just because someone else "has it worse" doesn't make your own troubles and less real or irritating. (For example: just because some pregnant women have hyperemesis gravidarum, doesn't mean that a woman with mild morning sickness doesn't have a legitimate complaint.)

Ashley, if you need to vent, then vent away.
It's OK to find her annoying (I recognize than DH's exGF might find things about me irritating, and that's OK!)... The thing is to choose your battles and to leave DS out of it.

I think you can tactfully mention the smoking thing. The rest, unfortunately, you just have to suck up.

    Bookmark   May 7, 2010 at 11:27PM
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I don't know about mentioning the smoking thing. I think it would be better for the kids to be grossed out enough/embarrassed enough to bring it up themselves. If no one from the school functions/sport functions has mentioned it... I'd let it go because it's not illegal yet and you'll just be putting yourself out there for looking like a griper.

    Bookmark   May 8, 2010 at 12:08AM
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I think if they smoke in the car with Ds or smoke in his face (if he smells like smoke it means they smoke in his close proximity) then it is health hazard and needs to be addressed with dad. If they smoke outside or away from the kids then there is nothing you could do, smoking is legal.

    Bookmark   May 8, 2010 at 2:43AM
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@Mom_of_4-Thank you for your perspective! You're right...whether or not I have a good point, it won't be taken that way. I also HATE the talking over me thing! How I handled it was I took both boys aside and finished talked to them. With her, I think I am extra sensitive because I always feel like she's trying to undermind me (like when she told the after-school care she was his SM when 1) she's not and 2) she has NO authority over DS whatsoever).

@Finedreams-yeah...she's trashy, but she loves DS and goes way out of her way to be a part of the stuff he has going on. As far as the smoking thing, when they had their own place (they live with GF's mom right now), they smoked in the house and they smoke in X's car.

@Silversword-LOL! Yeah...she's not as bad as she could be, but yeah...she could be better. I think one of the reasons she's not as bad as she could be (believe me, she has tried) is because I'M not as bad as I could be. I'm not a psycho BM and I respect the court papers and X's rights as a father, unlike many BMs we on this board experience. I'll take your advice and not say anything about the smoking, and let DS get fed up and say something. It will be more effective that way (assuming DS will ever get the nerve up).

@Lonepiper-You have a good point. It DOES sound petty to be annoyed with her boobs hanging out. But it is so hard to keep my son from being oversexualized at such a young age when the sex is everywhere and most of his friends are already obsessed with "hot" girls. The ironic thing is that I only put all that stuff in the post to illustrate that this is a pattern and not just one incident, but it only made me sound pettier.

I'm really not threatened by her. Believe me. But I have to deal with this very thing every Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday and Sunday (and sometimes Monday and/or Friday if the coaches throw in extra practices), and have been since DS was 4. It's always in my face (pardon the pun). I am thankful that she loves my son and he's happy over there, and I tell myself that very thing every time I feel annoyed at her.

@Ceph - THANK YOU for totally getting my perspective!

I don't think her motives are pure. I think she's mostly doing it to, IDK, maybe show X how much she loves his kid or maybe how great of a mother she would be (even though X said he doesn't want anymore kids).

It's weird because she doesn't come around (or even try to) when X isn't going to be there. If it was really about DS, she would come even when X can't (or at least call or something). If she thinks the baseball people are really friends with her (and, believe me, she does), then she shouldn't have any qualms with showing up alone. But she doesn't.

Saturday, she wore the same black and white lace-up shirt and even added a chain-mail necklace. I was a good girl, though, and even chatted her up a little. LOL!

They didn't even bother coming to the game yesterday (which was okay for me, but DS was upset). About 20 minutes into it, DS yelled to me from the dugout and asked me to call X and find out if he was coming, so I did. He answered, but he was still asleep. LOL! Oh well!

    Bookmark   May 10, 2010 at 1:24PM
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" I am thankful that she loves my son and he's happy over there, and I tell myself that very thing every time I feel annoyed at her."

You said it!!!

And I would be irritated too. Funny how some people's clothing, speech patterns, habits etc. are irritating as heck but on another person we wouldn't even notice. GRRRR!!!!

    Bookmark   May 10, 2010 at 2:32PM
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It's weird because she doesn't come around (or even try to) when X isn't going to be there.
She might feel like she's "treading on your turf" if Ex isn't there? If he is there, then it's his turf too, and since they are a couple, it is hers by extension... If that makes sense?

I would go to something that SS was doing if DH couldn't go, unless BM was going, in which case I would consider it her event and I would stay away. If SS specifically asked me to attend, I would.

    Bookmark   May 10, 2010 at 8:05PM
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If these are new behaviors in the GF, is it possible that there are problems in her relationship with your ex? To me, some of the things she's doing sound like someone who's afraid of losing her guy to another woman. It sounds like she doesn't trust him to be off on his own, even at a kids' ballgame or for for as long as it takes to go to the restroom in a public place. It also sounds like she's trying to prove that she's SO fun (the laughing), SO sexy (the dressing), and OUGHT to be the only focus (the talking over others).

    Bookmark   May 13, 2010 at 11:42PM
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It's entirely possible that she's just nervous as all get out because you're sitting there glaring at her and being all judgmental. I'm much happier for BM to ignore me than glare at me.

    Bookmark   April 28, 2011 at 4:35PM
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almitchell, you are replying to very old posts...

    Bookmark   April 28, 2011 at 5:41PM
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I wasn't aware that was against the rules, but thank you for setting me straight.

    Bookmark   April 29, 2011 at 8:31AM
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It's not against the rules Almitchell, it just brings old posts up to the top and often the situation is so far gone it's not an issue anymore.

Respond away- everyone can see when the thread was originally started and make their own choice if they want to dive back in or not :)

    Bookmark   April 29, 2011 at 10:03AM
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Almitchell - I would agree with you if 1) she didn't intentionally invade every situation she possibly could, 2) hadn't been dating X for nearly 9 years, and 3) I really was "glaring" at her.

This is her personality. She has to make herself seen and heard everywhere she goes. It annoys me, but I would do nothing about it. DS hates it, too. He says she is rude and opinionated and disregards people's feelings. Plus she always has to be with them so he gets very little, if any, alone time with his father.

I'm a BM and an SM so I live on both sides of the mother coin. I really do know what it feels like to be scrutinized (or feel like I'm being scrutinized) over every little thing. My SD's BM would take any little nugget of anything she may not agree with and use it against DH for whatever reason she wants. Mostly we never know what she is using against him, because SD and BM hide and lie about everything. So I try to watch any and every action I make so as not to be another reason for BM to inject more poision into SD against DH. But really even the slightest thing sets her off so there's no avoiding it.

I am thankful that X's GF is at least a what-you-see-is-what-you-get type of person. It's kind of like "the devil you know" cliche.

You should know that X's GF has overstepped quite a few times and has caused lots of problems. Like devising a plan to plant drugs on me so X could get custody of DS. Also, she has signed him in and out of daycare and "stepmother," which she is not (which wouldn't give her rights anyway.) And she signed his report card. Would you want someone doing those things?

Hmmm....really didn't mean for this to be this long. He he he!

    Bookmark   May 10, 2011 at 4:11PM
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No it is not against the law to post on year old threads, just some issues aren't as relevant a year later, or some issues do not even exist anymore or initial poster is long gone from this forum. Sometimes the way people reply to the most innocent comments (aggressively or in a defensive mode) explains why they cannot get along with people in real life.

ashley, nice to see you here, haven't seen you here for awhile.

    Bookmark   May 10, 2011 at 4:21PM
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I agree with that one Ashley. My dd's father does nothing. SM does everything and I would prefer if he isn't going to make te effort than just let me do it. He hasn't picked up dd in 18 Thursday's and 9 Friday's. Sm does all of the picking up of dd but refuses to allow me to be her mom and I have custody. She signs her folder, signs and keeps her report card ... It always goes home on Thursday's so I have to go get a copy from the school to see how my child is doing. I am the custodial parent and I believe I should receive a copy of the report card not have to go hunting for it because it already was sent home. That annoys me the most!! But what can I do? Nada. Except... Just accept it.

    Bookmark   May 10, 2011 at 4:24PM
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Ashley, I totally understand what you mean about the clothes.... even if it is petty. My 15 year old son's step mom wears super short dresses or shorts with really low cut tops. I'm 32.... she's like 50. FOR REAL! My son's father is 35. Kinda gross if you think about it... she's as much older then him as I am (almost) my son. Yuck! I make comments to other people but never to my son. He makes them to me though, I just laugh. She also tries to tell me what to do with him since she's so much older then me. I yelled at my son's father once about it, since then I've just ignored her.

My son's father is aging quite quickly being married to her. We went to his surgery in December and the nurses were all set to take dad back to the room but didn't want to let me.... cause they thought I was my son's sister. Dad didn't like that so much. I LOVED IT!!!! At my son's second surgery his dad was unable to make it but they again thought I was the sister. I didn't bother to tell dad. He knows he looks old. If he had brought his wife I'd never have been believed that I'm mom. HAHA!!

They also still smoke around my son but recently decided to stop smoking in the home. That's so much nicer cause before I'd have to wash everything, clean or not. Now if she's washed it I just put it away.

    Bookmark   May 11, 2011 at 11:25AM
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I have to agree with Mom of 4 about the boobs. I am large busted, and it IS difficult to find clothing designed for large busted women.

However, I'd like to point something out. Just because we wear the same clothing any other small busted women wears, say a tank top in the heat of summer, and we have "cleavage" and the small busted women don't, it doesn't mean we are wearing it to show anything off. They are there. It's like trying to ask a woman with a large behind to "hide" her derriere behind jeans. It isn't going to happen.

Further, to effectively "hide" our boobs, we'd have to wear blouses that are wide at the waste, in which case would be completely oversized, in retrospect. I don't want to walk around looking like I have no waist just because I have a large chest. That's how god made me (mine are very real), and I'm going to embrace it, not try to hide it or be embarassed about it.

We're no more at fault for having cleavage than small busted women are for not. I can't help the fact that you can see my cleavage when I bend over (within reason), and I'm not going to wear clothing up to my neck in the heat of summer because you (not you personally) don't like what god gave me.

And, let's face it, Victorias Secret is a multi million dollar industry for a reason - not to hide the fact that we have breasts. I'm not wearing clothing that is too small for my body.

The point I'm trying to get across, is the common perception of other women with large breasts is often misconstrued. It can be a curse. I've been accused of "sticking my chest out" and other nonsense throughout my life, and in fact in high school I went from a b cup to a d cup over the summer, and I was extremely self conscious until my grandfather, of all people, told me to embrace it. Go figure.


In terms of the smoking, you are the parent, I'd specifically ask that they NOT smoke in the car with my children.

Establish boundaries with her when she interrupts - with a simple hand gesture, put your hand up and continue talking. She'll get the hint.

Everything else that's annoying, you just have to deal with it unfortunately.

Good luck!

    Bookmark   May 11, 2011 at 12:58PM
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I agree about breasts, both I and DD have enormous size breasts on rather small body. Especially DD, she shops in specialty stores, don't even sell such sizes for thin body. In order to hide our breasts we have to wear baggy clothes otherwise it is either too much cleavage or looks like clothes is too tight. Yeap sometimes we look like we stick our chests out, like we show off what large breasts we got, when in reality that's just our size!!! Like you can't hide shoe size. It is a curse!

    Bookmark   May 11, 2011 at 5:05PM
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I am not small chested, so I totally agree with those saying it's impossible to cover up big boobs. I'm what I like to call "cleavagy." LOL! It has to do more with the shape than the size. Does that make sense? I understand the clothing dilemma. The clothes I was referring to were more appropriate for a club or adult gathering.....not kids baseball games.

She is letting X have less alone-time with DS than when I posted this last year.

For example: X picked up DS to take him to baseball practice. GF drove over there after work and they *decided* to go out to dinner with another family. X informed me DS would be home by 8:30 PM (bed time is 9 PM). It started storming really bad. Lightning, thunder, driving rain and 60mph winds. She followed X to my house (remember they were in separate cars), got out of her car, ran with X and DS to my door..DURING A THUNDERSTORM to say a 1/2 second goodbye, and ran back out to their separate cars. Oh, yeah, and this was at 9:30 PM

Now what was the purpose of all that? If she was in her own car, why would she feel the need to come to MY house to drop MY son off?

But that's how it is all the time now. The only time DS gets to spend with his dad is the 30 minute drive from my house to theirs before she gets off work.

And she makes snide comments to DS. Like once he said he liked a song on the radio. She said she hated it and she was going to take away DS' "man-card." This is what DS told me, and he said "Mom, she is just rude. She doesn't care if she hurts people's feelings."

Honestly, though, X is the same way. DS had to have casts on both his legs last summer for two weeks. While walking out to the car from the hospital, DS was trying to walk in them and was getting used to having those heavy things on his legs. I could tell he was embarassed and upset (it would be traumatic for any kid), but X was his usual dousche-bag self and said "You look like sasquatch." and laughed. Poor DS' eyes filled up with tears and then he blinked them back so his dad wouldn't see. Fine time to make jokes, huh?

Nothing I can really do about all of this....just evnting because I havent been able to in a while.

    Bookmark   May 12, 2011 at 9:43AM
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While I agree that breasts can be hard to cover up there is no reason to have them hanging out where people can see them at a kid's baseball game. Buy a t-shirt. Wear it. My SM had DD cups and she never looked inappropriate or like she was swimming in her clothes. She bought appropriate undergarments that fully supported and she shopped carefully for tops that fit. And she wasn't a prude by any means.

There are appropriate outfits for children's activities and inappropriate outfits. Most mothers can tell the difference. There's no reason for a bunch of young boys to see Mrs. So and so's tits.

I'm sorry. But please. I have a very ample derrire and my bust isn't so small either. I can wear "juicy" jeans that cup my buns and flaunt my assets or I can wear more demure cuts. I can wear tank tops and have my breasts hang out the top or I can wear one that is cut higher.

"Low-cut tops" and "tops that should have something under them" aren't appropriate for the situation. I wear a bra under my tank tops. Many women don't. That's fine, but consider your audience...

    Bookmark   May 12, 2011 at 11:03AM
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Mom of 3 that's about the same age difference for us -- I'm 31, ex is 39 and Sm is 48 and she LOVES to tell me, I'm old enough to be your mother, I just want to help you, I have more life experience... BUT I've been a mother longer and I have one more child than she does. Weird. I hate it though when she tries to act superior to me because of our age. I want to tell her, I know you haven't EVER worked in corporate America but let me explain it to you sweet stay at home mom to 1 that's in school full time. Lol

Not basing SAHM's -- just this one...

    Bookmark   May 12, 2011 at 11:47AM
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Well no need to expose oneself for no reason, true...But I wish I had DD cup size, at least they sell this size at a regular store!...LOL I know this thread is not about breasts size....just saying, everything is relative...

hahah myfamp, she is old enough to be your mother, so she is old hag hahah she wants to help you, she is freaking too old to help anyone...Kidding, kidding...

    Bookmark   May 12, 2011 at 1:31PM
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PO1, you're going to get a cyber finger slap if you don't stop calling 50ish old hags and worthless...good thing you're including ha-ha along with your line.

Myfam, maybe I'm remembering incorrectly , but is this not the lady who has a child the same age as your own and it's her only child? So if she did not have a child until her late thirties and has been a mom for no longer than you have...where the heck did she obtain all this worldly experienced knowledge? What exactly is she going to help you with? How to smack people and be refrained from someone's kid? How to make an %ss of yourself in a public mall? Only lesson currently I can tell she might teach you is 'how not to behave when one is indeed my age'.

    Bookmark   May 12, 2011 at 1:54PM
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Justmetoo. Bahahahahaha! I giggled outloud and I rarely do that. Thanks for the support.

You are correct. She would have been 39 when she had her child (they are 7 months apart but different school grades bc of birthdays and cut offs) and yes she is her only child.
She used to give me advice on men (I never had a man problem) she told me if I would fix myself up I could catch me a good man. I was single because my husband divorced me and working more than a fulltime job, at that time, I was NOT interested in dating and she thought I was single because I couldn't find anyone. Then I had put on some weight (healthy weight) I was very happy with my size, she wanted to advise me on exercise and eating healthy. Then... I was having some financial problems (too many expenses) I wasn't doing horrible but was struggling to put gas in a huge suv that exdh stuck me with and the payments were almost what I made in two weeks. I was trying to sell it or trade in but it wasn't their business... So she emailed to give me advice on saving money and budgeting and how to invest and build a portfolio .. I told her once I was too busy trying to find me a new man and fix myself up to worry with investing exDH's child support for my portfolio but I would look in to it soon. Lol she called me a smartass that day -- ya I was .. Lol

Another time she emailed to 'let me know' that my daughter would need some new shoes soon that the shoes I bought were just a tad too small and I would need to save up for that. Then she gave me a list of places that I could go buy shoes for cheap. What got her goat that time was how sweet and appreciative I was to her. Lol thank you SOOO much!! Lol

Love it. I don't bash older women at all. 50 is NOT old!! She apparently told dd 'your mom has such pretty skin'. This was just a few weeks ago... And I wanted to send her a thank you note, she made my day -- She finally found something GOOd to say about me

    Bookmark   May 12, 2011 at 2:49PM
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"So she emailed to give me advice on saving money and budgeting and how to invest and build a portfolio .. I told her once I was too busy trying to find me a new man and fix myself up to worry with investing exDH's child support for my portfolio but I would look in to it soon."

Love it! The expression on her face must have been priceless!

    Bookmark   May 12, 2011 at 8:09PM
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Yes Mattie -- priceless. When she makes that face, she shows all her years of unhappiness and misery in the permanent wrinkle in her forehead. I used to cry over Sm looking down on me. I was so very insecure -- I thought she was prettier than me and smarter than me and then all of a sudden I just realized, she doesn't 'make' me feel that way, I let myself feel that way. And now I just feel sorry for the gal. Control of your own emotions is a very powerful tool...

    Bookmark   May 12, 2011 at 8:20PM
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LOL Justmetoo, I am close to that age myself. I don't think it is old. I just imagine answering to SM: "oh you are so old you could be my mother? oops sorry forgot you really are OLD." LOL

    Bookmark   May 12, 2011 at 8:26PM
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"So she emailed to give me advice on saving money and budgeting and how to invest and build a portfolio .. I told her once I was too busy trying to find me a new man and fix myself up to worry with investing exDH's child support for my portfolio but I would look in to it soon."

hahah that is hilarious

    Bookmark   May 12, 2011 at 8:38PM
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myfam, we are totally on the same page here. When my son's sm and bd first got together there was one night I met her to drop off my son. We were chit chatting for a bit and she told me how he was really upset with my buying a new car and a bunch of other stuff he wrongly accused me of.... for a bit, he got over it. BUT... she right then and there told me that she told him "That's what you get for playing with little girls" HA!!!! WTH!!!! BD and I are 3 years apart, she's as much older then him as I am my son. That'd be like me ..... at the time.... going to my son's preschool and picking out a future husband. YUCK!!!! I was like "you are the one playing with a little boy."

Her oldest daughter is from November to January older then me. So my son's step sister is older then his mom. That's just wrong!! My son makes fun of the situation now that he's 15. I just laugh. I do tell him though that he's NOT allowed to date girls my age. That I'll kick some butt. HAHA!!

    Bookmark   May 13, 2011 at 8:19AM
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I just had time to read the first few responses so I apologize if I repeat what's already been said... or if I missed something new.

I'm sure your son, along with the rest of the team(s) notice the 'girls' hanging out. Besides being awkward to ask him, he would probably say he's embarrassed to you but to his friends, he may be their hero... bringing something to look at to the games. (lots of kids that age are plain curious & will look at whatever is there) It's kinda sad that she feels so insecure and threatened to behave that way. (I know that she may not be insecure or feel threatened but everything she does would lead me to believe she is either insecure & feels threatened or she has absolutely no social skills or idea of what is appropriate)

I also agree it could be worse but there's nothing wrong with feeling annoyed by her. She seems to be in your face, marking her territory, and maybe wants you to know she exists. Getting there before you might make her feel she has the upper hand... more like you are on HER turf because she was there first... you are walking into a space she has already gotten comfortable in. I disagree that she must care about SS to drive all that way to be there... she may be driving all that way to get in your face so you know she's there, especially if it's her only opportunity for you to see her. (I kinda see that because SD's BM goes to every practice & game for her BF's kids... even if she is on crutches or sick. She wants BF's exW to see her there, she also gets there before exW & seats herself with all the other mothers & starts up conversation so when exW gets there, she will sit somewhere else... it's not about rooting for the kids at all~ BM also is loud & in your face kinda person... and tries to be the sexy SM, so I relate to that part of your post)

As your title says "probably won't do anything"... that's exactly what you should do... NOTHING. The more you ignore her and be yourself, it will probably drive her crazy. Whatever she is trying to get out of it... if she gets nothing back, it will frustrate her. As for talking to ex about smoking, I would simply mention that SS smells like smoke, the next time he smells like smoke... and instead of saying please don't smoke, say something like "I wonder why DS smells like smoke?" and see if he cops to it & offers to refrain around the child or shrugs an "I don't know". Then I would tell him that "I'd sure hate to see DS become a smoker, it's a nasty habit" I think that will work better than being an exW that comes across telling him what he can or can't do. I think you should have a right to when it comes to your son's well being but it does no good to complain if it's not going to be well received. If you get a dialogue going about concern for your son, then he might get the message. (what kind of parent would say "oh, it's no big deal if he decides to be a smoker"? That would be ridiculous and inappropriate.)

    Bookmark   May 14, 2011 at 9:53AM
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In CA, there is a law against smoking while driving with kids in the car. It's even in DH's custody papers that neither party shall smoke around the child.

    Bookmark   May 14, 2011 at 10:13AM
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I think it is dumb to point out anyone's age for no reason. My ex is remarried to a much younger woman, but it would be rude of me to make comments about her age, what difference does it make to me? Especially rude it would be for me to say anything to DD's SM.

As about smoking I would have a huge problem if my ex smoked with DD in the car. I don't think we have rights to demand for exes to quit smoking though, it is unreasonable, but sure we can demand not to smoke around children. My ex and I both used to smoke, never inside and never around kids, we both quit about the same time years after divorce, but we would never demand that from each other.

Ima, not to pick on you but it is completely pointless to tell a smoker "it is nasty habit and kids might become smokers". Smokers know that it is a nasty habit. I mean who doesn't know? You can't make one quit because you tell them it is bad.

But it is reasonable to address second hand smoking and even put it in CO if the other party refuses to comply.

    Bookmark   May 14, 2011 at 10:34AM
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PO1 ~ my point wasn't to get exH to quit. It is to have a conversation about the child and concern for the child picking up on a bad habit & being exposed to smoke. Maybe it is a fantasy, but I might assume if you tell a father that his son is coming home smelling like smoke & that you worry the son will pick up this bad habit (because he is exposed to the smoke and witnessing dad smoke... boys emulate their father usually), then a father might get the message that he should not smoke around the child. Who cares what he does on his own time? But, when an exH gets a call from an exW, telling him not to do something... well if they wanted to listen to the exW, she wouldn't be an exW. Making it about the child is relevant, but not always well received when it comes in the form of the exW appearing to be demanding exH do this or don't do that. It could get the reaction, "I'm not married to you anymore, I don't have to do what you say!" even if he knows she's right.

DH has a CO stating BM isn't to smoke in her vehicle with SD. Heck, she isn't supposed to drive unless she's licensed. She hasn't paid support in a year so she probably doesn't have a valid license & of course SD tells DH she still smokes & drives. The problem is if you demand they do or don't do something & they do it anyway (for whatever reason), then you have to try to enforce the order by going to court... which is expensive & time consuming. Then you have to prove they did what you say they did. It can get ugly. If you have a reasonable father (not necessarily a reasonable exH) and approach it by appealing to his sense of doing what's right for his son instead of coming off like you are dictating how to live his life, using the child as the reason... well, I was just trying to offer another approach that might work better. Only Ashley knows best how her exH would react. We don't know him at all. I just know that DH goes to court with BM on Monday & BM is bringing up the shoes I took away from SD. If anyone can avoid going to court & fighting about nonsense, I'm all for it.

    Bookmark   May 14, 2011 at 7:14PM
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I do agree with having court order prohibiting smoking in the house or in the car is entirely appropriate. I think we are on the same page. Just as a former smoker I found comments about bad habits unproductive. Smokers know that. But i agree on other stuff you are saying

    Bookmark   May 14, 2011 at 11:24PM
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"Just as a former smoker I found comments about bad habits unproductive. Smokers know that."

I just read an article about things to not say to smokers talking about quitting - and that was one of them. They said smokers do indeed know it's a bad habit that they shouldn't do in front of kids so they just find the statement upsetting and then tune it out because it makes them feel guilty. The article said it's better to phrase it in a positive fashion, such as telling them what a great example they will be setting for their kids by quitting.

    Bookmark   May 16, 2011 at 8:58AM
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Right, true about any addiction, people already feel guilty, if you push them, they will misplace their guilt on anger towards you. They will quit when they are ready, of course with positive support. If someone says they'd like to quit, you can offer suggestions how to get help if they are ready.

As about smoking in front of the kids like a second hand smoking, that certainly shouldn't take place and should not be allowed in the household. I would require smokers to go outside and stay away from the kids, but i would never tell anyone to quit, it is pointless.

    Bookmark   May 16, 2011 at 4:14PM
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