Have not been around...need prayers/good thoughts

lovehadleyMay 2, 2010

It's been a long few months....heck, it's been a long couple years of marriage...and a long relationship, as DH and I have been together for nearly 7 years.

I feel like I have made an absolute mess of my life, my daughter's life, DH's, SS's...everyone's. I feel like I/we have totally hit our rock bottom and DH and I can either go forward or not.

Long story...most of you know the sordid history...I have never shared on here, but will now---DH cheated on me with BM about 4 years ago. He did not have sex with her, but it was my mother's wedding, and he was supposed to attend with me. He never showed up. I called him, his cell rang and rang, but no answer. I was humiliated and crushed and honestly did NOT suspect BM--I thought he was out drinking with his buddies. (He used to go out a lot and this was an issue in our relationship.) Anyway, after my mom's wedding, I went over to his house and found him passed out, drunk in bed---around 1 aM. I told him it was over, done, and that was that. A couple weeks later, we started talking again, and he told me he knew 100% he loved me, blah blah...we got back together....then a week after THAT, he said he had something really hard to tell me. He'd gone to a wedding (BM's cousin's) that night with BM---had kissed her, and then this all made him realize he wanted to be with ME.

STUPID ME took his @$$ back. I will say---this was a turning point in that he quit going out and drinking, he has a beer now maybe every few weeks---he definitely grew up a lot over the last 4 years. We moved in together, got engaged, and then got married.

But stuff has always lurked below the surface. And while I truly don't feel threatened by BM in that respect anymore, he still has major codependant ties to her that HURT me and bother me immensely. You all know the history there.

Well, over the last year, things have built and built..I've never really dealt with any of the hurt in the past, and I honestly don't feel DH has done enough to show me it's ME he loves and cherishes. I slowly started talking (via facebook) to an old ex of mine--someone I dated in highschool, and again off and on in college. At one point when DD was a baby, we became pretty serious, but the timing was off, as he had been accepted into grad school in CA. We dated knowing he was leaving in 4 months for school. He left----we drifted apart--I met DH. And then the ex got back together with another ex of his and he has now lived with HER for the last 4 years.

With him, it is more of a fantasy than anything--wondering what could have been, what might have happened, etc. We definitely have a connection, but even if it could happen, it couldn't, as his life is in CA and mine is here with my daughter.

Well, we became closer than we should have been, and about tgwo months ago, I wigged out on my DH. He got angry at me and told me that SS was upset b/c BM and I had seen each other at school and SS was afraid BM would go to jail. DH told me I needed to be the bigger person and wave at her or be friendly/say hello, etc. I just mentally lost it. I checked out of my marriage right then and there. I thought to myself "this @$$ doesn't get it, doesn't put me above his ex, never has, never will' and I don't care anymore"

We also had a physical fight around the same time--DH shoved me across the room and another time threw a glass of water in my face.

So I took it to another level with my ex---it went into full blown emotional affair. I knew it was going to wind up getting physical, and last week, I knew I had some serious choices to make about my life, my marriage, etc. I cut ties with my ex b/c it was cloduing my head immensely and I couldn't have that.

My DH found out about the affair...and surprisingly, was NOT mad. He said he had suspected as much b/c my attitude towards him had drastically changed. He was crushed/hurt and came to me with a heartfelt apology. He said he knew he had wronged me so many times, and that he felt terrible for not showing me he loved me, and for pushing me, and for not making me feel safe.

at this point, I really (last week) was ready to walk out on my marriage. Dh begged me for a chance to salvage things. I can sense a sincere change in him I've never seen before. We found a counselor and DH has enrolled in anger management classes. In fairness--not that there is EVER an excuse for physical aggression--but I tend to be an "in your face, somewhat verbally abusive" person when I'm angry. I've def. pushed and pushed at DH until he snaps. NOT an excuse for him, but it is a 2-way street and something we BOTH need to work on.

Anyway, DD and I are living in a furnished condo for 30 days---just to take some time apart--and I feel GREAT about this choice. I need the time and I really need the space. I feel like talking with my ex was a SYMPTOM of problems in my marriagem, certainly not the cause.

I am so thankful for many things right now...namely, that I haven't gotten pregnant. Thanks goes only to GOD for looking out for me and knowing in His infinite wisdom more than I did.

I don't know if we will work it out or not...I feel like I haven't really loved my DH in many years, in some ways, not since he cheated. I have a lot of resentment and hurt built up, and I am sure he has his own set of issues towards me.

I feel like we owe it to our kids and our marriage to at least try counseling in addition to this separation. Hopefully, time and self-reflection will show us the way to go.

So that's what's up with me!

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My prayers are with you. I hope you and the others find the courage and strength to do the best, especially for all the children.

My two cents, I can understand forgiving an affair, but violence, unless counseling is seeken, would be a bigger stumbling block.

    Bookmark   May 2, 2010 at 3:14PM
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My thoughts are with you, LH.
No matter what turn you take, I hope it is one you can find peace and happiness with.

    Bookmark   May 2, 2010 at 4:33PM
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Please get out of there, & take care of yourself;

You've gotten into the middle of a sick, co-dependent, violent relationship between these 2, & you cannot possibly "win", not ever.

which is a good thing in this situation, since "winning" would mean you'd be getting complete custody of an abusive creep who is guaranteed to attack you with increasing frequency & increasing violence.

When his ex beat you black & blue, he criticized you for, as nearly as I can figure out, not being a good sport & giving her another shot at your face.
Now he's escalated his anger into assault...
but he's dished out "sincere" apologies & "heartfelt" regrets.

You're lucky to be pretty much intact so far, but there *will* be another attack (the "heartfelt" apology & "sincere" remorse represent the "honeymoon" phase of the abusive cycle, which always culminates in another assault);
the attack may come from him, may come from her, may come from both of them, & neither luck nor your guardian angel can protect protect you forever.

Please get yourself away to a safe place, isolate yourself from this couple's co-dependent, messed-up nightmare of a relationship, & please be very careful.

    Bookmark   May 2, 2010 at 5:13PM
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I am so sorry...I am with KKNY on this, maybe affair could be forgiven especially if it was not full blown affair, but I worry about physical violence. You do have a child to protect. I don't have any advice besides try counseling if you are still considering staying...


    Bookmark   May 2, 2010 at 6:22PM
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Hugs to you, Love.

    Bookmark   May 2, 2010 at 7:01PM
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I agree with KKNY and Sylvia. I knew there was something weird about him thinking the whole physical abuse thing with his X was insignificant and you should be the bigger person.

You haven't made much of a mess yet :) Still plenty of time in your life, lots of learning and growing.

When I left my X I thought the same thing... all that wasted time!! What a fool I've been!!! I married him even though in the back of my mind I was thinking... are you sure?... but I did for a myriad of reasons that seem very youthful and silly and sad now. Without that experience I wouldn't be me. I'm grateful that I had that experience and I'm grateful I didn't waste any more time on him. Although in retrospect he doesn't look that bad and sometimes I do miss him. Blech. Emotions are so weird.

I don't have much advice, but I can say TAKE CARE OF YOU!!! If you aren't taken care of your children won't be taken care of. Big big hugs. I don't know what I could possibly do to help, but if I can, let me know.


    Bookmark   May 2, 2010 at 9:50PM
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First, I am so sorry you are going through all of this. I don't think I've read all of your history before. Given what's happening in your marriage, your emotional affair with the ex is easy to understand.

Advice is hard to give on everything you've written about except one thing, the physical violence is unacceptable. Period. What if your DH relapses with his drinking and things escalate again?

Counseling is a great idea, mostly for you. Be careful, take care of yourself and your daughter first.

    Bookmark   May 2, 2010 at 10:18PM
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LH - I'm so sorry you are going through this! But don't give up! If DH is really serious about making things work and remorseful for his ongoing behavior regarding BM, and you are serious about saving your marriage, you can bet a second chance is in the works.

It's strange how you've been going through this right at this time. I'll send you something on SMO and explain :)

Hang in there!

    Bookmark   May 3, 2010 at 2:48PM
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I agree that your emotional affair with your ex was more of an effect than a cause of your marital turmoil.
I do think that while your DH is seeking counselling, in your shoes I would want to see evidence of change before re-comitting to him. Otherwise it's going to be more of the same, him expecting you to "be the bigger doormat, er, person" as regards BM, etc, and you know how unhappy that has made you.

    Bookmark   May 3, 2010 at 9:21PM
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I have been praying for you for months now.... I'm sorry to hear this is happening in your life. Deep down, you know the answers and it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks or says... it's YOUR life. Be happy!

    Bookmark   May 4, 2010 at 12:44AM
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I have been more of a lurker than a contributor on this board the past several months, and several times saw something I wanted to respond to, but was either at work or could barely remember how to log in. But when I saw this, I just wanted to say that I am thinking of you. Take the time and space you need to gain perspective. Things will become clearer and you will make the right decision for you and your daughter. I wish you all the best!

    Bookmark   May 4, 2010 at 12:24PM
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I've been thinking about your situation and just wanted to say that my thoughts and good wishes are with you. I know things feel like a great big mess right now, and truth to tell, they are very messy.

Counselling is a great idea. Are you going alone, both going alone, or both together? If you're not currently doing any sessions alone, I'd suggest that you do. Too often, when a couple goes together, the focus is all on HOW to save the marriage to the detriment of IF the marriage merits saving. Your marriage has so many complicating factors (BM, quasi-infidelity, step-kids, physical violence, and destructive fighting tendencies) that the question of IF really deserves some attention.

Like others, I'm also very concerned about the shoving and water-throwing. I get that you were very aggressive and 'in his face', and no doubt, that contributed to the volatility. But it doesn't excuse his actions. I would not go so far as to say decisively that this is a "one strike you're out" thing, like I would with a slightly different set of circumstances. BUT, it's still a big concern, made even more worrisome because of his casual acceptance of BM's physical attack on you, and his lack of understanding of your reaction to it. It seems he regards a certain amount of physical violence in a marriage as normal and acceptable. That worries me -- big time. If he thinks it's OK (not great, certainly, but nothing to 'freak out' about) -- then what incentive does he really have to change? To support you with BM? Why wouldn't his use of violence escalate, as is the pattern?

I hope you can work things through in your own mind, and reach the decision that's right for you.

    Bookmark   May 4, 2010 at 5:30PM
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lovehadley, so sorry you're going through this.

I was having the same thought as sweeby; shoving is disturbing in itself but maybe not necessarily an automatic relationship ender; once. But, put together with his utter lack of comprehension of your position wrt BM attacking you and you refusing to be around her-- that sounds more like someone who just doesn't think a certain level of violence is that a big deal. If you decide to try to work on the marriage, please explore that possibility?

    Bookmark   May 4, 2010 at 8:50PM
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So, let me get this straight? He cheated on you with BM (yuck - at least it could have been with someone better!!) and yet he has never felt that he should be considerate of your feelings when telling you that "you should be the bigger person," etc.? He has always "taken her side" and you have always felt that he valued her feelings over yours. Before I knew about the cheating, I thought the entire situation was stinky but now that I know - how could he seriously say the things he has said when looking into your eyes and knowing that he betrayed you with her and was continuing to betray you?? I am furious on your behalf!!!

    Bookmark   May 4, 2010 at 9:26PM
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Not excusing DH at all, violence is unacceptable under any circumstances, but when it comes to cheating... he cheated when he and lovehadley weren't married, weren't engaged, weren't leaving together and were just dating.

Although it is still disgusting and wrong not to show up and go with BM instead but maybe he was still unsure how serious he is with lovehadley and maybe he did consider getting back together with BM for their child's sake etc. They were not in committed relationship yet.

So I would not be that sure if what happened could be called extramarital affair?

BUT violence is not something that needs to be ever tolerated.

    Bookmark   May 4, 2010 at 10:21PM
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Oh Love - now I've gotta go shopping for a really big lamp.

Know that I am thinking about you and sending you strength. I don't have Sweeby's wise words to offer, but I've always got your back. Take care of you and DD . . . the rest will fall into place. All things for a reason . . .

    Bookmark   May 5, 2010 at 12:35AM
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Thank you for all your kind words, ladies! I haven't had time to respond but I will later today. I appreciate everything you all have said and all the supportive messages. :) (((HUGS)))

    Bookmark   May 5, 2010 at 7:50AM
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LH, I hope you're doing ok and I've worried about you a lot the past year since you've been writing about BM's assault and the reaction of your DH. I was more furious at your husband for his non-reaction and dismissive attitude towards an assault on you, his WIFE.

You're in my thoughts and I hope you find the chance to update soon.

    Bookmark   May 5, 2010 at 11:32PM
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hugs lovehadley

    Bookmark   May 6, 2010 at 6:36AM
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Lovehadley I have been thinking of you a lot since you posted this. I hope you and your dd are doing okay. I just want to tell you that I think you are very strong person for being able to take a step back and reevaluate the whole situation and move out for a while. You need to do what is best for you and your dd. I look forward to hearing an update from you!

    Bookmark   May 6, 2010 at 9:21AM
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Thinking of you Love. I am very proud of you. Stay strong.

    Bookmark   May 6, 2010 at 4:26PM
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Ditto Cat. Keep your chin up Love. Don't let the bastards get you down.

    Bookmark   May 6, 2010 at 9:08PM
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