Have not been around...need prayers/good thoughts
It's been a long few months....heck, it's been a long couple years of marriage...and a long relationship, as DH and I have been together for nearly 7 years.
I feel like I have made an absolute mess of my life, my daughter's life, DH's, SS's...everyone's. I feel like I/we have totally hit our rock bottom and DH and I can either go forward or not.
Long story...most of you know the sordid history...I have never shared on here, but will now---DH cheated on me with BM about 4 years ago. He did not have sex with her, but it was my mother's wedding, and he was supposed to attend with me. He never showed up. I called him, his cell rang and rang, but no answer. I was humiliated and crushed and honestly did NOT suspect BM--I thought he was out drinking with his buddies. (He used to go out a lot and this was an issue in our relationship.) Anyway, after my mom's wedding, I went over to his house and found him passed out, drunk in bed---around 1 aM. I told him it was over, done, and that was that. A couple weeks later, we started talking again, and he told me he knew 100% he loved me, blah blah...we got back together....then a week after THAT, he said he had something really hard to tell me. He'd gone to a wedding (BM's cousin's) that night with BM---had kissed her, and then this all made him realize he wanted to be with ME.
STUPID ME took his @$$ back. I will say---this was a turning point in that he quit going out and drinking, he has a beer now maybe every few weeks---he definitely grew up a lot over the last 4 years. We moved in together, got engaged, and then got married.
But stuff has always lurked below the surface. And while I truly don't feel threatened by BM in that respect anymore, he still has major codependant ties to her that HURT me and bother me immensely. You all know the history there.
Well, over the last year, things have built and built..I've never really dealt with any of the hurt in the past, and I honestly don't feel DH has done enough to show me it's ME he loves and cherishes. I slowly started talking (via facebook) to an old ex of mine--someone I dated in highschool, and again off and on in college. At one point when DD was a baby, we became pretty serious, but the timing was off, as he had been accepted into grad school in CA. We dated knowing he was leaving in 4 months for school. He left----we drifted apart--I met DH. And then the ex got back together with another ex of his and he has now lived with HER for the last 4 years.
With him, it is more of a fantasy than anything--wondering what could have been, what might have happened, etc. We definitely have a connection, but even if it could happen, it couldn't, as his life is in CA and mine is here with my daughter.
Well, we became closer than we should have been, and about tgwo months ago, I wigged out on my DH. He got angry at me and told me that SS was upset b/c BM and I had seen each other at school and SS was afraid BM would go to jail. DH told me I needed to be the bigger person and wave at her or be friendly/say hello, etc. I just mentally lost it. I checked out of my marriage right then and there. I thought to myself "this @$$ doesn't get it, doesn't put me above his ex, never has, never will' and I don't care anymore"
We also had a physical fight around the same time--DH shoved me across the room and another time threw a glass of water in my face.
So I took it to another level with my ex---it went into full blown emotional affair. I knew it was going to wind up getting physical, and last week, I knew I had some serious choices to make about my life, my marriage, etc. I cut ties with my ex b/c it was cloduing my head immensely and I couldn't have that.
My DH found out about the affair...and surprisingly, was NOT mad. He said he had suspected as much b/c my attitude towards him had drastically changed. He was crushed/hurt and came to me with a heartfelt apology. He said he knew he had wronged me so many times, and that he felt terrible for not showing me he loved me, and for pushing me, and for not making me feel safe.
at this point, I really (last week) was ready to walk out on my marriage. Dh begged me for a chance to salvage things. I can sense a sincere change in him I've never seen before. We found a counselor and DH has enrolled in anger management classes. In fairness--not that there is EVER an excuse for physical aggression--but I tend to be an "in your face, somewhat verbally abusive" person when I'm angry. I've def. pushed and pushed at DH until he snaps. NOT an excuse for him, but it is a 2-way street and something we BOTH need to work on.
Anyway, DD and I are living in a furnished condo for 30 days---just to take some time apart--and I feel GREAT about this choice. I need the time and I really need the space. I feel like talking with my ex was a SYMPTOM of problems in my marriagem, certainly not the cause.
I am so thankful for many things right now...namely, that I haven't gotten pregnant. Thanks goes only to GOD for looking out for me and knowing in His infinite wisdom more than I did.
I don't know if we will work it out or not...I feel like I haven't really loved my DH in many years, in some ways, not since he cheated. I have a lot of resentment and hurt built up, and I am sure he has his own set of issues towards me.
I feel like we owe it to our kids and our marriage to at least try counseling in addition to this separation. Hopefully, time and self-reflection will show us the way to go.
So that's what's up with me!