Something or Nothing?

catlettuceMay 11, 2012

I posted this on the marriage forum as well. DH and I have had a lack of intimacy for a while now. I admittedly have pulled back from our sexual life as his delight with my breasts has gotten old. I have cysts in my breasts and it gets painful at times. I have told him to please start elsewhere and get me warmed up first, there is more to me-but to no avail. So it has become a turn off rather than a turn on. I mean when we have sex it's good but this whole boobie thing is tired.

Don't get me wrong I love and am very attracted to him and I'm thrilled my husband still finds me so attractive. But I wonder after going through an abnormal breast workup the last 2 years with all those frightening thoughts-what if I had to have a breast removed. Then what. And our marriage has gotten stronger though we have had a recent rough patch in dealing with a Skid issue-which I will put in another post-not a huge deal though as it had been in the past. All in all we've been better together and things have been good, he treats me well on a day to day basis but we have both pulled back in the intimacy area. I chalked it up to being busy, working, he comes to bed late and frankly we are just getting older.

So here goes what happened yesterday. Your take?

Yesterday I was trying to recall my daughter in laws email and could not find it in my email. Now my husband and I are open with eachother when it comes to passwords and pin codes, so I went into his email to retrieve our daughter in laws email. Much to my surprise there were messages and chat invites from a cheating website. So I followed the trail.

My husband registered using a pretty obvious screenname, and a different city. I easily got into his profile and it does not appear that he has answered any of these messages/chats. Just looks like he registered to look around I am guessing.

I'm not sure what if anything to do with this info. I admit evilly my first thought was to print up the profile and post it on our fridge for him to find but then thought I'll just sit on this for a bit and then make a decision. I don't feel trust for him now for the first time in our lives together. Which REALLY makes me not want to be intimate with him.

I know if he saw that I had done something like that it would be a massive blow-up. My question is, do men sometimes register at these sites just to look or is it typically because they are looking for a fling? Something or nothing? Leave it alone or confront?


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To add, to me it seems like there is plenty of free porn on the Internet if he was just looking. And I don't make a habit of going into his email. But it still seems stupid to set up an account like that using your regular email.

I'm really just stunned and not sure how I am going to confront him about it. We are having a get together tomorrow with his kids so I will not say anything before that, but yea. I am a bit shell shocked.

    Bookmark   May 11, 2012 at 5:46PM
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I'm so sorry.

The fact that he disregards your pain says quite enough to me;
this guy is all about...him.
to the point of being disgusting.

Men who use women's bodies for their own gratification without regard to the pain they cause are dispicable.

& I'd disengage emotionally & physically until he somehow proved to me that he hadn't been doing something that could put my life in jeopardy;
AIDS doesn't come with a do-over.

Rather than dreading a blow-up so much that you feel defensive, put him on the defensive;
he's the one who's done something bad.

If you'd signed up for that site, do you think he'd hesitate demanding to know your "story"?

I am so sorry, & I wish you the best.

    Bookmark   May 11, 2012 at 5:56PM
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Honestly, I think if I had done that he would never forgive me.
It appears as though he hasn't answered any of the messages or sent
any either, but I cannot think of a logical reason to sign up for that type
of siite unless you were thinking about having an affair.

Even though he hasn't done anything yet he's still thinking about it.
I'm so upset over it I am shaking. I just recovered from female surgery and
may have to have a hysterectomy. I feel betrayed that he is thinking of his
"needs" when all this is going on. It's not like we don't have sex and when we do it seems to satisfy him so why?

It is really going to be tough to not confront him before this get together tomorrow, but I am taking your advice Sylvia and going to disengage while I think this through.

Thanks for your response. Your advice is much appreciated.

    Bookmark   May 11, 2012 at 6:19PM
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I'm sorry, Cat. I have no idea on advice, but I send you a cyber hug. I think you really could use one. You've been through so much with this guy.

Only you know what is right for you, but I think it's time you really review your relationship with your husband. My thoughts ran right along with Sylvia...dispicable pig. His treatment of you during your sexual life along with knowing how you've been treated over the years even outside the bedroom through your various postings...I just can't help but wonder why you stay in this relationship.

I suppose I might have been able to half excuse his 'looking' online out of stupid curiousity and blamed it on perhaps he's struggling and afraid of the medical issues (the surgeries) and doesn't know how to deal with it all, but I just can't. Not after reading the breast comments and total lack of concern for you and your feelings/enjoyment out of it.

You deserve so much better than what this guy has been handing out to you . With him it just seems like it's one thing after another. I'm not necessarily saying the guy does not care for you in his own ignorant way, but it certainly seems this guy is all about him. I don't think he's capable (for whatever reason lurks inside him) to be the man you wish he could/would be. You deserve some happiness and to feel truly loved in your life, Cat. You've given so much and tried so hard, I'm just not sure the guy is worth all your sacrifices and efforts. I think perhaps it's time to worry about Cat and do what's best for her.

    Bookmark   May 12, 2012 at 7:05AM
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I found another one. His profile said: Just seeing whats out there. Sigh..I can't do this, deal with this. I feel like my heart has been ripped out and stomped on. I never ever thought he was a mess around kind of guy.

Thanks Justmetoo. Now time to go put on a happy face for his family.



    Bookmark   May 12, 2012 at 9:30AM
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Catlettuce,I'm so sorry for you.Nothing is worse than having such a breach of trust during a time a spouse should be there to support emotionally and physically during health issues like the ones you are experiencing.It is downright gross and extremely selfish on his part.The intimacy without regard to your feelings or physical pain seems narcissistic(I'm not saying he is a narcissist but his behavior/actions are totally self centered and cruel IMO).

Put your health and self care(along with medical care)First.
Find all the emotional support you can from people who truly care for you since it's obvious he will not be providing any of that support to you.

Quite honestly,I don't think he deserves you.His behavior and actions have nothing to do with you or your health issues.It has everything to do with his lack of good character and lack of empathy.

    Bookmark   May 12, 2012 at 2:43PM
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Cat, I could not be more sorry. I agree that any person who would continue touching another person when they are in obvious pain, especially when it's supposed to be something pleasurable.... is a class A jerk.

Ditch him honey. You're way too good for this. You deserve so much better.

    Bookmark   May 12, 2012 at 4:55PM
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No he doesnt intentionally inflict pain at all just gets a bit over excited he always stops if I tell him I'm tender there. He tries to be gentle but I think he would like a lot more access to my breasts during lovemaking and I sometimes can't tolerate it.

He really has been very supportive with my health issues and we are good otherwise, I mean better than ever which makes this more stunning to me. But obviously something is lacking For him. I don't know how to initiate this conversation with him except to tell him how I stumbled upon it and let the chips fall where they may? He has never been a mess around kind of guy - I thought..I'm so confused, but I obviously need to ask him if he has been unfaithful and get tested if he has.

Just tonight I told him to go ahead and ask the kids if they wanted join us up north for memorial day wkend and he said I thought we were just going the two of us ( my idea originally) and I told him it would be better as he'd have someone to fish with and wouldn't get bored. He said he could never get bored with me.

    Bookmark   May 12, 2012 at 10:00PM
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Jeez I just can't believe this is happening now after all we have been through and and how far we have come. I am praying he has got a really convincing/compelling explanation but I cannot fathom anything I would believe.

My mother thinks I should drop it and all men look at these sites. I agree but all men don't register with cheat sites specifically for hooking up, they just look at free porn.

Thank you all for the support and advice.

    Bookmark   May 12, 2012 at 10:30PM
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IMO, for me, just to drop it, would not be an option. It would eat at me and my imagination could create scenarios that perhaps were over the top and no where near truth. I think I'd rather know the actual truth than go about my day full of uncertainty.

Could be he did not go to porn because some of 'that' could be a bit too much for him? KWIM? Where as the other site he really may have been just having a peek around, maybe a silly attempt to boost his male ego? If the bedroom life has been a bit slower than usual, he might be getting all goofy in the head that somehow he is less desirable. I have no idea how guys really think...I'm a female not a male.

I don't think you could ever again be comfortable in your relationship together if you just dismiss it and not mention you know. For one, finding out something like this would perhaps want you to have even less to do with him, yet him not know the whys and hows it's occurred. I think you have to lay it out, discuss it. It may not be as 'bad' as it looks or it indeed could be. A loss of trust in a relationship without a discussion to tell why it's come about and a chance to deal with the issue could be as harmful to the health of the marriage as if he really is up to something.

--"I don't know how to initiate this conversation with him except to tell him how I stumbled upon it and let the chips fall where they may? He has never been a mess around kind of guy - I thought..I'm so confused, but I obviously need to ask him if he has been unfaithful and get tested if he has."--

I think straight out and open. Print one out and hand it to him asking simply 'what is this all about'.

Do the profiles give any indication as to when they were created? How long he's been 'looking around'? For me, I think that would also play a part in how I discussed and/or dealt with the issue. For one, if he just suddenly very recently created these it opens the door to discuss 'why' and 'why now' and get an idea as to how things are running along in his male head (both his male heads).

As you noted, he has not answered any of the messages. There is a chance it really is just a 'peek' and that he really could not bring himself to follow through with the peek. If he's peeking and has no intentions of following through ...or at least not yet...why is he peeking? This gives you both a chance to discuss where you two are going in your relationship and what you both need and want out of it. If you two can't both be happy in your relationship, then you both need to decide the relationship is not going to work and go your seperate ways. You can't live life with secrets and one side be untrust worthy. If it's a little problem that can be worked out, then it gives you both a chance to work on those parts.

    Bookmark   May 13, 2012 at 7:42AM
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From a man's perspective, I think, your H perhaps did it out of curiosity. Let's step back a little bit. Sex to women is much more on the psychological level, but to a man, sex is more on the physical level and a much more demonstration of the love and acceptance from his mate. WHy? That is just the way God has created us. So, your refusal to have sex with him for one reason or the other, has sent him a signal that your love to him has waned.

Understanding that difference in men and women will help you solve many problems in your marriage. If you now approach his with the print out of the site, then what outcomes do you expect ?

    Bookmark   May 13, 2012 at 9:06AM
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I did confront him, told him exactly what happened and how I discovered it. I stressed to him if there was something going on just tell me and we could end this peacefully/civilly, because I did not sign up for an open marriage.

And that if he was doing this he should think about changing his password etc instead of just leaving it all open. He said no, he is an open book and he absolutely was not looking to cheat and that he got stuff like that in his email "spam" all the time, but before we married he did sign up for a few sites. I did go back and check his computer and he has not answered even one of these messages as far as I can tell.

Do I believe that he didn't join one of these since we married-um I am not sure. Why would you join a cheat site if you were single? Some parts of it don't make sense to me. He told me why would he even think about it when he had me and that he loved me and was in for the long haul. I so want to believe and trust in him. He really is not a cheater type of guy and when i mentioned this to a close friend she said absolutely not there had to be an explanation..soooo....anyway..that's kinda where it is right now. He did agree to do his best to delete these accounts and believe me I will check and am well verserd on how to hack into a computers history even after it's been deleted. So we shall see. I'm still a bit stunned over all of this.

I feel better that it's out in the open but still wary. I think maybe he thought he could see "more" by joining but I'm totally guessing here. I don't know. At least its out there he knows where I'm coming from and to clarify I'm not turning him down for sex-there are times when one of us is in the mood and the other isn't, it sometimes waxes or wanes but we havn't stopped by any means.

Time will tell I suppose.

    Bookmark   May 13, 2012 at 8:11PM
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"Ditch him honey."

It amazes me around here how often this advice is given, especially in a case like this where the OP even said "we are good otherwise", has been supportive of her recent medical issues, and there really has not been any infidelity. Just curiosity up to this point...not condoning it, but take it from someone who knows, this cannot even approach the pain of having your spouse cheat on you for months without you having a clue.

Clearly there are issues here, as a guy, I agree with the others who are feeling it may be related to his sexual ego being a bit bruised, and having the need to reaffirm his desirability. Plus, probably a little fantasizing too....

But to walk away over this...without attempting to resolve it? Great advice there....

    Bookmark   May 14, 2012 at 10:19AM
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"just gets a bit over excited he always stops if I tell him I'm tender there. He tries to be gentle but I think he would like a lot more access to my breasts during lovemaking and I sometimes can't tolerate it."

Grown, mature men don't "get over-excited" to the point that they hurt their partners, & "stops if I tell him I'm tender" means you get hurt.

& no part of your body is a commodity to which anybody is allowed "access" when it isn't pleasurable to *you*.

"Why would you join a cheat site if you were single? Some parts of it don't make sense to me. He told me why would he even think about it when he had me and that he loved me and was in for the long haul. I so want to believe and trust in him. "

It doesn't make sense to you because it doesn't make sense.
& wanting to believe & trust someone is natural...
but not smart & definitely not self-protective.

Stay with your own perspective, & take care of yourself.

    Bookmark   May 14, 2012 at 7:56PM
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Mkropy, I said that after listening to Cat talk about her insensitive jerkwad of a husband for YEARS.

This is just a cherry on top, IMO.

    Bookmark   May 15, 2012 at 4:39PM
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@ Silver & Sylvia (since you both know all the whole sordid details, LOL), you know what kills me the most? Is we have come so far in our relationship, after all of the awfulness we survived, we made it, I got stronger, then we got stronger..Now after all of the struggle, sacrifice and hard work, this?

I better be wrong about this is all I can say.
And yea, Mkroopy, I totally get what you are saying too. I'm not going to react out of anger and pain. I'm going to wait until I am calm, and sure of what or what is not happening. One thing I have learned from this marriage and step-parenting experience is to step back and look at things with a cold clinical eye.


    Bookmark   May 16, 2012 at 1:15AM
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It will come out Cat. Regardless, it will come out. I gave my DH the benefit of the doubt (he didn't realize the dating website had been taking $19.99 out of his credit card for FOUR YEARS) and just watched the internet history. Sure enough, he couldn't resist. In my case it wasn't the cheating, or the porn that eventually surfaced, there were underlying issues that were creating all of the symptoms.

I honestly wish I had known what was under all of that, we may have been able to fix it. So look beneath. There is something causing this. It's not the whole problem, just what is manifesting from whatever is broken inside him.

And I understand Cat. I'm right there with you. All this hard work for....?

But what I think, is I am SO MUCH STRONGER and YOU, CAT, ARE TOO!!! We have learned so much, we've supported one another, we've come so far. That's the benefit. And that's what we're here for anyway. To learn. :)


    Bookmark   May 16, 2012 at 11:01AM
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Thanks Silver & ((Hugs)) back to you too! I hope I am strong enough to get through this, whatever it is.

I do believe he was at least thinking about a liason. There is just no reason to join a cheat site if you're single, which is what he is claiming that he did the profile while still single. That makes no sense. It will all come out in the end, he is a terrbile liar so if he is trying to hide something I have no doubt I'll find it.

I just do not want to live a life of mistrust. If I do become certain he is lying to me about this then I'm done.


    Bookmark   May 18, 2012 at 12:04PM
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And @ Justmet Your post is very insightful as well. I talked with a close friend about this today and she felt it was a possible ego boost thing, her gut feeling was DH was probably just looking around/chatting up online for an ego boost. Of course your online persona can be whatever you want it to be and it's your own fantasy world..She doesn't think he would ever act on it.

I did go into his hard drive today while he was at work and there is no evidence that he has done this since we spoke about it nor tried to delete and or hide anything. So I'm done with checking for now, I need to move past this.

I asked him what is making him unhappy and unfufilled in our relationship that he would like to change but didn't get a response. He says he is satisfied with our life together but I have always and still think he is clinically depressed.

Not sure what else to do at this point. I hope we can work through it. It's disheartening when you think you've made such great strides in your marriage to find yourself in this situation. I feel kind of lost in knowing what to do except wait and see and try to keep communication open.

One point my friend made today is how sometimes one or both partners don't feel validated in a marriage and you sometimes have to work harder to make sure you do validate and appreciate the other and we are probably both a bit guilty of taking each other for granted. I feel like our marriage is such a small compartmentalized part of his life: Work,Kids,Paperwork, Me. I think our life together equals about 1/4 of his whole life when I look at it like that. He overextends with everyone and everything else then there's not much left for us. You really can grow apart when you only drop into bed at 11-12 at night and grunt goodnight to each other.


    Bookmark   May 19, 2012 at 12:41AM
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