Adult stepson moving in

sunnygardenermeMay 12, 2006

I need advise. SS is 20 yrs old and wants to move into our new house that we just build after being gone for 9 months in college. He does have two other options on places to stay. We did design the house for us two (DH and me). He lived with us in our old house for 2 years prior to going off to college, last year. During the two years he lived with us he made things difficult, taking things of mine from the house and not returning, would take dishes, toliet paper, for his mom because she didn't have any or it, changing our answering machine message after I told him no/I liked it because his mom did not like, bringing in a graduation picture of his mom and placing it for all to see, moving my large screen TV into his bedroom when we (DH & I) told him no, he always attempts to get free money from us, ignores me, the list go on and on. Just recently he visited and after he left I noticed all my fishing tackle I had purchased was gone.

We do not have the new house finished. We were able to complete the main floor with one bedroom for DH and I, however the basement with a 2 bedroom option is not finished. We did not plan to finish the basement yet because we need any additional money to finish the outside and yard this time of year when it it nice. My question is, "Is it wrong not to want SS to live with us?" As I said he has other options on places to live. Please give me advise either way. I want to be fair and do the right thing. I am a nervous wreak about him living with us again, taking things, not listening, disrespectful, and even allowing bio mom (the ex) into our house when were gone, etc. Thanks

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I thought I posted a response earlier; but nothing here
How does DH feel about son moving in? If he is excited, can you and he come to an agreement about rules which MUST be followed. If so, will he be willing to enforce rules. And, because ss has somewhere else to go -- make him move out if rules are not followed.
My ss moved in with us about 6 years ago. Moved back to this area and could not afford to buy a house, til his other sold. That was the beginning of the end of our relationship, which had been great til that point. He did not like being treated like an adult. He was 27,28 at the time. Been a bi--- ever since.
Best of luck. If you and DH are not on the same page, it isn't going to work

    Bookmark   May 13, 2006 at 9:20PM
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Thanks connie0929 for your thoughts. As I said I am a nervous reck about this. I have tried to talk about this with DH and to have rules set up before he comes, but I feel DH will not follow through with them. DH says he will talk with ss about the rules, but from previous history I know he often does not follow through with them. So are you and DH still marrried? I just feel that our relationship will fall apart if ss comes to live with us. It is just too hard for a non-bio step mother to live with adult step children. I am scared to death right now and don't know what to do. DH says I need to be compasionate for his son. I just know I have tried in the past and it is very hard. Please let me know how it turned out for you. Thanks,

    Bookmark   May 15, 2006 at 12:33PM
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Is the step-son going back to school in the fall? If so, I would please the husband who wants you to be compassionate to his son. Decide not to be a nervous wreck. You can have all kinds of rules--but I wouldn't--just some rules that are especially important to you. Don't be easily annoyed--you didn't describe a step-son that seems so unbearable--taking stuff to his mom's--that's not bad--now is it? Erasing your answering machine? Maybe so you wouldn't know his mom is calling? I don't know. You just strick me as worrying about too many things that aren't awfully worthy of getting all upset over. See if you can treat this young man with respect and let him know that you want respect too.

    Bookmark   May 16, 2006 at 12:05AM
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Thank you brass tacks for your response. I think about what you said and agree that they appear small, however, when it gets to be so very many it becomes big. It was the actual welcome message on the answering machine that ss erased. It was a welcome message that ss and I put on the machine together. SS sounded so happy and we had fun doing it together. His mom did not like it and asked him to change it. I felt that this over stepped the boundrys. He had asked DH and I if he could change it and we both said no and that we liked it. I only mentioned a few things as I said the list goes on and on. Everyday he is with us it is at least 2 or 3 things. I have treated him with respect only to get disrespect back. His mother will not let him live with her (we let live with us), does not help him with health insurance (he is on my health insurance), does not help him with school finances (DH and I do), does not give him any money (we do). I guess I am confused on how much more does one have to do to be respected? I am always polite and helpful to him. Again thanks for the advise and I will definitely keep it in mind.

    Bookmark   May 16, 2006 at 10:57AM
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The cumulative effect of all the petty theft (yes, taking dishes from your step-mom to give to your mom IS THEFT, as is the fishing tackle going missing) and other behaviors tells me that he doesn't respect either his dad or his step mom.

I'd have him stay elsewhere, and tell him why: he's not ready to live with you as an ADULT.

    Bookmark   May 16, 2006 at 11:42AM
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SS only lived with us for about 6 months. The relationship really deteriorated from that point. In fact, DH feels so caught between us that we went to family counselor last fall. SS basically said he has no maternal feelings for me and hasn't for over 20 years. DH and I have been married +29 years and ss has been part of my life since he was 4. We could not have children (I wanted a bunch) so I have always loved ss very much. And I was the one he came to with problems even before his mom.
I thought when he told me that, that I could accept it. Realize now I have been depressed since that meeting -- very sad. Poor DH still doesn't know what to do. SS is very selfish and thinks the world revolves around him.
Hopefully if you ss moves in he will get tired of sleeping in an unfinished space and go elsewhere. And it is for only 3 months. Basically I am polite when I see ss now and he is so oblivious to anyone he thinks everything is great now. I am the type of person that I need to sit down and ask him where I stand. He gives me mother's day card and is upset because I don't get all excited.
He is getting married in the fall and future sdil hates stepmothers; so I have got another 20 years or so of this stuff. Thanks heavens, DH loves me very much and is frustrated with his son almost as much as me
I guess I am not much help. Thanks for listening to me.

    Bookmark   May 16, 2006 at 1:06PM
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The cause of disagreement or controversy often can be solved with simple communication. I'm not talking about verbal attacks, intimidation kind of talk, etc. I'm talking about expressing your feelings in a matter-of-fact way--without drama. This kind of communication coming at a time when everyone involved is relaxed (not excited or upset, etc.)

It seems to me that your step-son may not see what he does is disrespectful--perhaps he just feels very comfortable--thinking it's ok if he erased the answering machine message--even if you said he shouldn't.

You mentioned that your husband wanted you to be compassionate with his son. To me, that carries a great deal of weight.

A sister of mine asked me to talk to her daughter--she was at wits end about the daughter not cleaning her room and the dad was getting furious. Well, I told the daughter that when her parents told her to clean her room and she didn't do that--that it meant more than what she realized. She wasn't cleaning her room just because she didn't feel like it. Knowing the cituation--I knew that there was a young girl that was simply lacking in energy and not real happy (depressed). I told the niece that when she didn't do as her parents told her, that her parents translated her disobedience as meaning that she didn't respect her parents. Questions--do you want your parents to be happy with you? Do you want your parents to know that you appreciate what they do for you and your family? The short conversation went on a little longer--but it stayed understanding all the way. The daughter/niece started to clean her room. Always and forever? Probably not. I hope you get my point.

    Bookmark   May 16, 2006 at 6:52PM
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Very similiar situation as you describe. I am stepmom, age 45, married to bio-dad for 9 years. Kids are now 20 and 21. Never really heard a clocking ticking and after I had a few years of step-parenting under my belt never really listened for it. Our kids needed both of our attention so much I knew having our own kids would only create more disfunction for his kids. My theory is you should never have kids to fill emptiness in your life. Kids should be brought into the world to share your life with you when you have it figured out. Their bio-mom was a little off balance needing to replace her mother title with best friend and party partner. Kids had the time of their life being with their mom during the high school years as bio-mom had no rules. Now, bio-mom is living in a small house with no room for kids to visit. Don't ask me how she affords to live, she doesn't work but she is real nice to naive, suckers who give her money. Not really sure if she has had enough of the kids or they have come to senses about her. Problem is I got used to not having them college isn't working out and they are both coming around to the stable enviroment...our house. Unfortunately I'm ready to cut the cord and begin enjoying our life before grandkids come. Our house isn't big enough for 4 adults, especially adults who seem to think daddy-o is full of cash. I know they are still young and they have a lot to learn. Really, because they spent so much time with their mom they are behind the curve in maturity and responsibility. So....I guess its up to the stepmom to have patience of a saint and get us through it. I love the kids, I'm harder on them than their dad or their mom. Now, they don't like it.....Later, when they have their own kids and it matters more I hope to have made the biggest impact to them. For now, I rise above and be the bigger person. The only thing I would have changed would have been speaking up earlier on in our marriage and having the kids have regular chores and repercussions of not completing their chores. Kids need structure and responsibility...they flounder for longer than necessary if it's not provided early on. Unfortunately, divorce creates a lot of guilt in both parents and no one wants to be the bad guy. The loser ends up being the kids as they venture into adulthood.... Stand your ground and communicate openly and honestly. It's your only chance.

    Bookmark   September 10, 2007 at 8:28PM
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