Losing my mind as a step mom
Hello everyone, I am new to this and I keep going back and forth about going to counseling, but I get embarassed thinking about sharing in front of people so I would rather ask for your advice on here. So please if you have anything negative to say, I would rather not hear it. I am hard enough on myself about this that I don't need anymore negativity. I would just like to see if anyone else can relate and help me get through this without feeling like the worse person in the worldd.
I will give you a little background informatin then my problem.
My sistuation is a little special.I have been married to my husband for a little over a year now, but we have been together for 7. He has a son that is 9yrs and it has been a fight to see him all 9 of these years. His mom was a piece of work. She is a person who lies, has cried on the court stand, doesn't call back, makes him say mean things to his dad, likes to go out and party and fills his my his head with all kinds of stuff about his dad, me and our daughter. He's spent his whole life over by his brothers father's house instead of by his actual father b/c of the jealousy she had for me and my husband being together and her out of the picture. She has used him against my husband for so long. My husband has been fighting for him for many years. The court dragged up every single thing that has happened btwn them and made my husband out to be this horrible person. she sat on the stand and cried each time so it was a never ending battle. He was at one point out of money (thousands later) and didn't know what else to do so he started to give up everything until he was a little older and could understand. I didn't agree with it 100% at all, but I could see the hurt in his eyes losing each and every time and it was his decision. The court wouldn't let him get visitation, anything he said on the stands didn't matter and she won each time there was a court date b/c she looked like this poor helpless woman and all she did was minipulate everyone. She had an old man as her boyfriend so money wasn't an issue. I didn't care for her at all. I do not like people who use their kids against other people. I didn't like anything she did. She was not a nice person and all she did was ruin her son's opportunity to have a relationship with his dad. She had the old man and the other kids father being called dad.
A year ago she called us saying that my husbands son wants to see him and get to know him and as long as it was on her terms. So he agreed. They spent a little time each weekend together and then it would stop and then she wouldn't answer for their agreed timeslots and then she played games again. So this kept on going for close to a year. Then her old man boyfriend dies. Now her money train is gone and she is very depressed. So 5 months later she kills herself. Now his son lives with us (my husband, myself and our daughter).
So now that you have a little background information on to the problem. This poor boy has had a tough time this past year. Seeing 2 people die and one was the most important, his mother. Not a very good mother, but she was still his mother non the less and I am sure she loved him. Now he lives with us, the people who his mother used against him his whole life basically. My husband is so happy. I thought this would be a great thing for him not realizing how miserable it would be for me. Since his mother sent him out by himself all the time he is used to doing things on his own. She went out partying a ton, spent all her time with the old man and just would rather do her own thing then do the right thing and be there for her kids.
We have been helping him with his homework and doing things with him. He's not a bad kid overall. He is mean to his sister b/c he has it in his mind that she is the reason he hasn't been around all these years. He breaks her toys and tells her he hates her and things like that. She is 6. I'm sure that has a lot to do with his mom feeding him this information, but kids make their own observations anyway so he could just think that too.
My husband and I have been trying to have a baby for about a year now. No luck. The 1st one we had was no problem, this time a little harder. I feel like in some way his son coming to live with us is the reason why. God doesn't give us more than we can handle and having a baby would probably be a bad thing right now especially b/c his son is here and he needs us. What I feel bad about is it's like I am a person who loves kids and I keep seeing everyone around me pregnant or having babies and we can't have one. I only gave myself a timeframe of 2 more years and then I would just give up and not want anymore kids totally. It's been a year and now it's us having to fix all the bad things he is used to doing. I feel like I am going crazy in my mind. I want my other family back, the one without him in it and the one where I see another baby or so by now. I have to help him and constatnly help him change his mind about us not being what his mom said and on and on and on and on.......... It's like a neverending saga. It sounds so mean in my mind when I think this stuff. The poor kid loses his mom and is sad and still grieving and here I am just wanting my family back without him in it. I miss how it used to be. I get so mad at him breaking my daughters stuff. He knows it's wrong and does it anyway and then deny's it. I think sometimes that she made him the way he is and then she kills herself, Why do we have to pick up the pieces? we have to b/c my husband is his dad and he has to step up to the plate now. It's time for him to show that we are not bad people and to care for him. She screws with his head for 9 years and now we have to teach him that homework and veggies important and we have to teach him that he can't run the streets and do whatever he wants. All in the meantime I want another baby so bad it makes me sad and cry. I know he needs us, but sometimes I would rather let my husband deal with everything b/c I resent him being there thinking he is the reason we don't have another kid by now. I feel so selfish and horrible to have these thoughts but they will not leave my head. I feel like I am not happy with him at our house and I can't help it. I don't show it, it's just all in my mind. I would never want him to feel like he doesn't belong there, I just have conflicting thoughts in my head. I feel horrible, but it feels good to get it off my back. This poor kid just needs a hug and a shoulder to cry on I can't even do that. I feel like I don't wanna step over the mom boundaries and I just can't bring myself to do it either. If this was another kid I could do it in a heartbeat, since it's him, I just can't do it. He needs help and all I can think of is me. It's selfish and I know this and I can't help it. This is stuck in my mind and I am not a selfish person AT ALL. I feel like I don't wanna do this anymore. I see myself being mad at my husband too. I don't show that either, but it's in my mind and I don't know why. I love my husband and want to grow old with him so divorce is not an option, but I need some advice. so any advice you can offer is appreciated---BIG TIME. Thanks for listening to my long saga.
(NEGATIVE COMMENTS WILL JUST BE DELETED SO PLEASE KEEP THEM TO YOURSELF)!!!!