Am I being irrational? (vacation ordeals with SO's DD)

finedreamsMay 7, 2009

I am upset over it lately, maybe I am being irrational but it is difficult for me and anxiety producing. If I am being unreasonable let me know, but I honestly do not know anyone who is in the same situation. Here goes wiht the background:

1. SOs DD27 (and I get along with her) spends all of dad's vacation and most of hers with dad (she lives out of state and has a lot of vacation time including summers off), it is 24/7, daily entertaining nonstop, cooking 3 meals a day for her, she has no friends and doesnÂt get along with her mom and sister. Dad has little vacation so for him it 100% of the vacation time. It used to be that she still allowed me and SO to take trips by ourselves when we first dated, but since we got closer she wants to be with us every time she is off work.

2. It is been long since I or SO went on any trips together or even spent any time together when we do not work. DD27 is getting married late July and told her dad she plans on spending July with him and wants him to take her on vacation 4th of July (a week long vacation).

4. He always took her on vacations (with the exception of one winter when she asked to take her to Bahamas). Now mind you it is not like she has no one to go with. She is getting married and has honeymoon trip (long and nice trip) lined up after the wedding. Her fiancee is a nice guy.

5. This year SO said heÂd need to take vacation with me since we didnÂt have one for a long time and frankly it is his only vacation plus we take 5 days to travel for her wedding. Then we had to make a compromise, we go all together, meaning she will go with us.

6. We already spend all of our vacation time with her now we need to go on tips with her. I do take occasional trips with my daughter, those are short few days trip usually when I visit her at college, but neither I nor her spend all of our vacations together. DD (my daughter) also went on short trip with her dad this year, his wife and younger children. But it is one trip, neither I nor X spend ALL of our vacation with DD. DD wouldnÂt want it either.

6. SO told DD27 that I am good with booking, reserving, navigating and finding the best deals when we travel. It is true. DD27 immediately said she wants to be the one to do it. Now she is the one who researches the trips and reserves stuff and plans where to go and what to do three of us.

7. What really bothers me: according to SO, DD27 always went on vacations with him and X (even when relationship between X and him was strained and they tried to mend it DD27 still went with them). Every time they went together ended up in a huge argument and a fight. SO said it started taking toll on his relationship with his wife because he had to take sides.

I asked SO "if trips together were such a trouble and there was always a fight then why DD went with you every time? One fight would be enough for me not to go. If everybody had such a bad time why did she continue going with her parents?" He got quiet, said nothing. I am not suggesting DD27 went to deliberately cause fights but how could she not notice that it wasnÂt working? Now I am terrified that she will cause fights when she goes with us and it would damage our relationship?

Yesterday I asked SO to confirm exact days for a vacation because I need to plan my other stuff around it. He said we cannot confirm because we need confirmations from DD27. My question was why canÂt we set dates and inform her, why do we ALWAYS go by his kids? Why canÂt we ever make plans and inform them, not the other way around? Well he thinks I am being irrational and jealous for no reason.

Do you think this is all normal? Maybe it is, but I wish I know one person who does this at 27!!!! She wants to go on our vacations with us, OK i will put up with it. But now she is the one who plans all of it and negotiates wiht her dad and I just have to follow her lead. like they are a couple and I am their child. tell me if I am being crazy and it is normal.

Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

"tell me if I am being crazy and it is normal. "


You are not crazy.
This is not normal.


    Bookmark   May 7, 2009 at 1:26PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I was laughing out loud reading this!!! My DH LOVES his kids dearly, but if they asked to go on vacation with us I can hear his voice in my head ..... Um, Let me think about that NO...Fine, you have a problem with a man not being able to say NO to a 27 year old!!!

    Bookmark   May 7, 2009 at 1:55PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Hmmm. I think all vacations is a little strange, IMO.

I have had some issues with my dad's SO, though, in regards to these things.

I am 28. My dad's GF is 33. She has two children, ages 11 and 8, a boy and a girl. They do not live together nor do they have any plans to do so. According to BOTH my dad and GF, my dad likes having his space, and GF likes having hers. My dad is 60 and really does not want children living at his home, and GF seems okay with this. They have been together for 5 years.

My dad travels a lot--some business, some pleasure, some golf-related. He and his GF take about 3-5 trips a year. This past year, they went to Cabo, they went to Palm Springs, and to Jamaica---all of these were just the two of them.

Now--last summer--my dad rented a big house in Michigan and invited all of us up there. Me, my DH, our kids, and GF and her kids. It was fun.

Then this past spring break, my dad bought a week at a house in Destin, FL at my DD's school auction. He again invited ALL of us to go.

GF pitched a fit. She told me (in so many words) that she wanted some "family time" with my dad and her kids. I hit the roof. Seriously, I was TICKED off. I asked my dad about it and he basically told me not to worry, that HE had invited me, and us, and that HE wanted to spend time with his daughter and granddaughter.

That was the last I heard of any of that. We all went on the FL trip and it was fine, but I can just sense that GF would like me to back off. I don't think she has a reason to feel that way because she goes on WAY more trips with my dad than I do! I usually do something in the summer with him, but that's about it.

This summer we are going back to MI and again, my dad rented a house and invited all of us. My brother is coming this year, as well--he is 24, and just finished at the London School of Economics.)

In short--i don't think it is unreasonable at 27 to take family trips with parents. Heck, my grandparents are in their 80s and they bring the WHOLE family, all kids, grandkids, etc. to Colorado every fall and Grand Cayman at spring break.

BUT I do think it is unreasonable to expect your SO to NEVER have any alone, romantic trips with YOU. As a couple, you are entitled to alone trips, espcially if your SO's vacation time is limited.

    Bookmark   May 7, 2009 at 2:01PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I would never invite myself on my mom and dad's yearly get get away form it all vacation. That is their time to enjoy each other. I'm 29 and they are both my bio parents.

I think it's a little presumptious on hubs part to assume you want his adult kid tagging alone on every single trip. EEEWWW. I wouldn't even want an adult Lay Lay tagging along on every trip. Parents need some parent time and once the kids are adults you are suppose to FINALLY get some. I mean GET SOME in more than one way. Hard to be romantic with his kid sleep next door.

I think it's a tad strange his daughter doesn't have more of a life of her own. I love my dad but I certainly don't want to take all my vacations with him. Strange.

    Bookmark   May 7, 2009 at 2:32PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I dont think anyone is "entitled" to anything per se, but I do find the entire situation strange, that if Dad and X got on fights with his DD, he still wants to keep going, and I do find it strange that you take some vacations with just the two of you.

    Bookmark   May 7, 2009 at 2:58PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I think two married adults are more than entitled than some alone time once in awhile. To say otherwise is just ridiculous.

Even adults with young kids need some "adult" time. If the child is an adult it shouldn't even be an issue. It's absurd IMHO.

    Bookmark   May 7, 2009 at 3:13PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Sorry fd, its ot normal. She's 27 and is getitng married.
How about this. Why doesn't she arrange her things with her new hubby and you arrange things with your husband and you guys can overlap vacation but go separately with separate rooms?

I think your hubby is not saying much cause he's so use to her bieng around.
I think its time for him to cut the umbilical cord.

    Bookmark   May 7, 2009 at 3:31PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

oops typo, I meant I find it strange that you dont take some vacations alone (given you're situaiton, no minor children,e tc)

    Bookmark   May 7, 2009 at 3:32PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

could it be that she is wanting to have some final time as "daddy's little girl", now that she's getting married soon? Maybe she wants to squeeze in as much of that as she can before becoming a 'married woman'.

Just a thought.

    Bookmark   May 7, 2009 at 3:38PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Agree with everyone here. It is weird to say the least. She a woman well into her twenties and she still wants to hang with her dad and stepmom?? Wow! She should just try making some friends or spend time with her fiancee. That is crazy!

    Bookmark   May 7, 2009 at 3:52PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

thanks everyone,

I go on trips with my DD21, we went to Paris this April break. And DD went wiht dad's family on a trip during her other break in the winter. In neither case DD forced herself on neither me nor her dad. But both I and X have more vacations that that. It would be normal if his DD would spend SOME of the vacations wiht him, but it is all of the vacation he has.

KKNY DD27 and her mother had fights on travels, during those fights SO was forced to take sides (he took daughter's side), all those fights were bad on a relationship. It almost feels ot me that she was trying to stand between her dad and mom. Of course that's not what caused a divorce but I believe it contributed to it. woudl she stand between me and him?

It is entirelly possible imamommy that she is trying to do just that, but it's been like this always. the only change is that SO finally stopped going just him and her and now she goes with us (or actually the way it looks like they go two of them and I am dragging along LOL).

KKNY we went on many trips and vacations together but as we got more serious, DD27 wants to be wiht us all the time and since she is always here whenever dad has vacations, we simply cannot go anywhere anymore. i was looking forward to July vacation but now we can't even do that. On few occassions we planned on going somwhere ona trip, but DD changed her plans or alternated them, left earlier than plannned or flew in alter etc. My SO also cancelled his trip to college reunion past winter because DD27 decided to visit the last moment (when she found out he goes to reunion).


    Bookmark   May 7, 2009 at 4:19PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I find it strange that SD 27 doesnt want to spend her last free time before the wedding either planning the wedding or with her friends. Do I not understand the timeline here?

    Bookmark   May 7, 2009 at 4:25PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

her fiancee works a lot so he cannot always take vacations but I think at 27 going wiht girlfriends is a good option. I used to hang out wiht my girlfriends at 27 all the time when I was not busy with DD. I went on trips wiht them or went to visit them wiht DD or without. My DD21 has friends that she spends time with, SO's other DD20 also has friends. DD27 has none. she has no hobbies that she can busy herself wiht when she doesn't work, she is bored.

But I am frustrated wiht it, it is like there are always three of us all holidays or vacations.

    Bookmark   May 7, 2009 at 4:25PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Considering she's getting married soon, I might let it go but I can understand your frustration. It's been the way it's been and she's been catered to so she's used to it.

I would find it super bizarre if it happens AFTER she is married.

and kkny, I agree she should want to hang out with people her own age... who wants to go with parents on trips when they are damn near 30? But, it seems she's used to it and that is what dad has done all her life... so I would not let it cause friction so soon to her going off to be married. LOL, I would have planned my vacation for just after the wedding myself... then the stress of planning a wedding would be out of the way and she'd be off on her honeymoon so there's no chance for an intrusion. But that's just me. I know it doesn't always work out to just plan when we want.

    Bookmark   May 7, 2009 at 4:38PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

KK you understood the time line correctly, wedding is late July. She doesn't have friends. I am not joking. She has one girlfriend whom she doesn't see much and she is the only one she invited to the wedding (she might not even come).

imamommy, i would also plan vacation after the wedding, but SO only gets vacation specific times and days, he has three weeks, one was used in the winter (with DD27 by our side LOL), the other will be used on her wedding (destination), and the last week he would have would be July 4th week and it is also spent wiht her.

Those are long vacations. As about shorter holiday days we also spend all of them with her, memorial day, labor day, easter the whole week, thanksgiving (that's a given), etc etc, there is nothing left. Of course we see each other every day and she doesn't live here but we always work and when we don't work, we have DD27.

Will see what happens when she gets married. I doubt anything will change. Her FDH works a lot of hours and can't have much free time. She has no friends, doesn't get along wiht mom and sister (would be expected to maybe hang out with sister more rather than dad in his 50s), so what is she going to do? Continue keeping us company. LOL

    Bookmark   May 7, 2009 at 6:30PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I agree that it's weird and boundaries are skewed. I think you and SO should invite yourselves along on her honeymoon, although it sounds like she probably won't mind.

Cross your fingers that after she gets married her husband puts his foot down and tells her that he is now the primary man in her life and she needs to cut the cord.

    Bookmark   May 8, 2009 at 12:39AM
Sign Up to comment
More Discussions
how much child support do you pay?
Hi everyone. I have been a non-custodial stepmom for...
My SO suggested that I share a bed with his 11 year-old son!
For the last 3 years, I've been in a relationship with...
husband has new found 21 year old daughter
I am having a lot of trouble coping. Please dont beat...
How to Prevent Adult Children Living with You
If you and your spouse are of retirement age, move...
grown adult stepchildren
I married my husband 2 years ago, his wife had died...
Sponsored Products
Wesco Desk Mover - 272156
$207.95 | Hayneedle
People viewed this after searching for:
© 2015 Houzz Inc. Houzz® The new way to design your home™