15yo SD and hatred for me

unhappysmMay 28, 2010

I have two stepkids, 18 and 16, and a daughter 17. My daughter works and has been working since she was 16. My stepson does not work and lives with his dad and I. He just graduated high school. SD lives with her mother. Husband and I have been together for 12 years, married 9.

Here goes....I have always gotten along with my SD and her mom (shocking I know). Recently, however, I had a big falling out with her mom and now we don't speak. This has apparently affected my SD because now she is acting out. Every other week she is mad at her dad for something or another. We have supported her in every way possible you can think of financially and emotionally. We recently went to one of her soccer games and she completely ignored us as if we weren't even there (actually walked right past us and wouldn't even look at us). We were both like okay? not sure what we did to deserve that. Then she sends her dad a text and tells him she is done with us...that he is controlled by me and he will not fix his son's car but fixes my daughter's car and does not give his kids any money...that they were his kids first and they should come before my daughter and I. I don't disagree with that somewhat. I do believe that all kids need to be treated equally. My daughter does work and pays for her own vehicle. We bought both of the kids their vehicles when they turned 16. His son does not want to work, so his car is broke down and we told him we will not fix it until he gets a job. He is used to everyone taking care of him and doesn't want to do anything for himself. Unfortunately, we don't have much of a relationship with him and he just basically sleeps here it seems. Things are fair and I always make sure of it because I would never want a child to think that any one of the kids is being favored over another.

My husband asked his daughter many times to go to dinner so they could talk. He sent her a text asking her again yesterday morning and she told him no. Then she sent him a text last night because she needed a favor because her mom wouldn't do it for her and like always my husband went running to her basically brushing off everything she said about us.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I am at my end of the rope with his daughter. I feel like she disrespects us and then it gets swept under the rug when she is over her mood because that is the only way her dad can have a relationship with her. I am now uncomfortable around her knowing that she doesn't care for me when I thought we had a good relationship. I have tried and tried with her and now all of a sudden she doesn't speak to me. Again, not even sure what I did to her all of a sudden. I don't know what to do. Please help!!!

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Kids get mad at their parents all the time, especially teen age kids. The timing of the sudden change coupled with the blow-up between the mother and you likely are associated.

Did the blow-up pertain to the kids (them getting jobs, cars, money...that type of thing)? After all these years, why did mom and you find yourselves on different wave lengths?

I'd think, even if the blow-up had nothing to do with kids, it'd be hard for the daughter to be stuck between two women in her life that are suddenly not speaking.

Dad went off last night when daughter called, did the two have a chance to talk things over?

What does stepson intend to do now that he's out of high school? College in the fall? My kids did not get a choice to turn 18 and do nothing...has dad and mom been preparing son for what comes after HS?

As to the car, does the son have means to go job hunting and get to and from work he might find without a vehicle? Can an agreement be worked out to fix the car so he can job hunt if needed ?

Guess I really have no advise from what little has been posted in OP. There has to be a reason for a sudden rebellion, at least from the kids viewpoint. Is it possible things have not really been as fair and equal as you believe they have been?

    Bookmark   May 28, 2010 at 2:54PM
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Are his kids in school, I mean HS or college or any other training? Sorry I am reading in a rush so possibly I missed something. It is not unusual for 17-year-old not to work as long as she is in school. Same with 18-year-old.

I understand you don't speak to their mom, but maybe dad could ask his ex how are kids with her? When DD gave me grief I always asked ex how is she with him so I could see the pattern. SD is difficult and SS has no relationship, just sleeps. Not good, something is fishy.

My first step would be talk to mom because I think mom might know why they are so rebellious with dad.

    Bookmark   May 28, 2010 at 4:35PM
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Teenagers at that age all seem to have some kind of problems even in an intact family. In the attempt to attain independence they will say the strangest, the most unkind messages to the parents, but at the same time they are so nice to their friends. GO figure.

Just hang tight. Don't take the bait and get into a verbal fight. If what they said bother you, then write them a letter explaining your thoughts, then leave it at that.

finally after 3 years of college finally admitted to me one day that she was THANKFUL for my support, once she had had the chance to compare her life to those of her friends.

    Bookmark   May 29, 2010 at 8:03AM
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"finally after 3 years of college finally admitted to me one day that she was THANKFUL for my support, once she had had the chance to compare her life to those of her friends."

my DD said thank you mom for not being crazy like some other moms. LOL well thanks, hahaha

    Bookmark   May 29, 2010 at 11:14PM
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