BM keeps digging that hole she's in!

lovehadleyMay 19, 2009

So BM called DH yesterday to let him know that she had arranged her alcohol evalutation for this week. She's on state insurance, and it has to be done at a state facility the courts use for these things. She was calling to tell DH that his financial portion is $50. (woohoo for that! We were expecting it to be a few hundred dollars.)

Well today she calls DH in a RAGE. Apparently, the facility called her back and needed to re-schedule the eval. because the GUARDIAN has to speak with them first and he's out of town this week. So they pushed her back to next week.

She is P*SSED! Basically, this proves to us that she had EVERY intention of going in and lying. She was telling DH that she is not going to do it, the deck is "stacked against her" and she has no chance of passing now. Instead, get this---she's decided she is going to refuse the evaluation (haha, even though it is court ordered) and she's going to file a motion to modify residential custody instead.

HAHAHAHA.

She is going to look pretty darn silly filing for more custody/residential custody for schooling purposes in the middle of an alcohol evaluation. And if she refuses to do it---well that is a violation of a court order and I imagine nothing good could come of that.

So DH said he didn't get what the problem is. She is maintaing that she hasn't had anything to drink in 40+ days, she "used to have a problem but doesn't anymore" and there is no need for her to have any kind of treatment.

Hmmm...isn't denial a classic sign of an alcoholic?

As DH pointed out, "ok, if you DON'T have a problem, then what is the big deak?" She claims it's just that she is set up for failure w/this treatment center because the guardian is going to put his slant on everything.

Is it just me or don't the FACTS of what she did kinda speak for themselves? The guardian isn't gonna slant anything!

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imamommy

Sure, the guardian is going to put his slant on it... the TRUTH!

She most likely never intended to do the evaluation... but maybe gave a half hearted agreement for the moment she might have believed she could control this thing and make the evaluator believe her, but as she thinks about it and realizes she is not in control and will be up against an uninterested party (the guardian), it's not going to be so easy... I kinda figured when they court ordered it, she would try to wiggle out of doing it.

I'd love to hear what the court would say if she actually does file for change in custody.... I'd be surprised if she does file, I'd be shocked if the court doesn't admonish her for it if she does.

    Bookmark   May 19, 2009 at 12:42PM
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lovehadley

I do think she intended to do it.

Well--I take that back. I think she intended to do it and skip right through it!

Initially, she and her attorney were adamant that she NOT do it. When DH and his attorney said they would request a hearing to determine if it was necessary, then BM agreed. I think she agreed thinking she is *ok.* I do believe that she hasn't had anything to drink in 40+ days. That means sh*t to me, though.

It is NOT how much you drink or how often you drink, it's how it affects you. Period. When you drive 20+ miles DRUNK after spending the afternoon at a bar and not
picking your kid up from school...and then you punch someone and try to drive off DRUNK with your kid...THAT shows alcohol is affecting you in a bad way. "Normal" people don't do that.

I think BM thinks she is "all better" because she's been on her best behavior (because of the court stuff!) and now she's upset because people are calling her on it. Unless she starts addressing the underlying issues in her life and confronts her alcoholism head on, she is never going to get better. And stince she is still pointing fingers and blaming everyone but herself for what's going on, well, IMO nothing much has changed.

I do think she thought she could waltz into this evaluation and say "oh, I don't drink anymore, I am fine" and pass.

    Bookmark   May 19, 2009 at 12:55PM
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imamommy

My mom hasn't had a drink in years... she's still an alcoholic and if she were evaluated, the evaluator would know in ten minutes (maybe even 5) that she is an alcoholic and needs treatment to change her thinking. So, I agree that 40+ days means nothing.... she is currently a dry drunk. She will relapse and drink again.. unless she gets help. The evaluator will know that and most likely, so does she.

    Bookmark   May 19, 2009 at 1:02PM
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lovehadley

Wanted to add--I guess her psychiatrist told her she has NO CHANCE of passing if the GAL is involved and if it's court-ordered.

Frankly, I could care less if they order her to complete a 90 day treatment program or order her to do 1 2 hour class. As long as SOMETHING is ordered and her alcoholism is on the court record...that is what really matters!

    Bookmark   May 19, 2009 at 1:03PM
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lovehadley

"My mom hasn't had a drink in years... she's still an alcoholic and if she were evaluated, the evaluator would know in ten minutes (maybe even 5) that she is an alcoholic and needs treatment to change her thinking. So, I agree that 40+ days means nothing.... she is currently a dry drunk. She will relapse and drink again.. unless she gets help. The evaluator will know that and most likely, so does she."

Amen!

    Bookmark   May 19, 2009 at 1:04PM
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doodleboo

It takes a whole hell of a lot longer than 40 days to be "clean". J has been clean for going on three years. He even quit smoking about four months ago. Even so he STILL has cravings to get high. STILL three years later!

Addictive personalities are never cured. They are controlled and if she actually thinks she is clean after 40 days she is totally delusional. She is probably even actively drinking and just lying. BM did that countless times.

She would tell she had been "clean" for weeks adn then we would find out she had been totally strung the entire time out from other sources. The old saying goes, "How can you tell a junkie is lying? ANswer: Her lips are moving." It isn't funny because it's true!

    Bookmark   May 19, 2009 at 1:55PM
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imamommy

lol, my mom would swear she hasn't drank in five years... she doesn't count the beer here or the beer there... if it's just one beer, it doesn't count. yeah right!

    Bookmark   May 19, 2009 at 3:42PM
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mom2emall

Its obvious she is scared because her actions are finally catching up to her. No more brushing this under the rug. She is digging herself into a hole that will benefit your dh and ss. So sit back and let her. I can not imagine she will get out of a court ordered eval. And while she is refusing the eval I can not imagine that the courts will do anything favorable to her with changing custody. They will probably look at her even worse!

    Bookmark   May 20, 2009 at 12:11PM
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pjb999

Unfortunately any 'benefits' are at best, bitter-sweet. I don't think it does any child good to see their parent self-destruct.

It may well be better for a parent with real negative 'energy' for want of a better word, to be out of a child's life, but it's still a very sad thing, so I guess it behoves us to not take too much satisfaction in it, although the temptation to do so is very understandable.

    Bookmark   May 20, 2009 at 12:50PM
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lovehadley

"so I guess it behoves us to not take too much satisfaction in it, although the temptation to do so is very understandable."

I take EXTREME satisfaction in BM FINALLY having some consequences for her actions that have gone on for the past 6-7 years.

I didn't say ANYTHING about BM being out of SS's life because THAT is NOT what my DH is even trying to accomplish at this point. He did NOT file for full custody and he has NO PLANS to if she addresses her alcoholism. Neither he nor I want to take SS away from his mother and that was the FIRST thing my DH told the guardian. BM loves her son and her son loves her, and what is best for both of them is for BM to get healthy.

My DH has been extraordinarily considerate and lenient with her because he, as do I, recognizes the extreme importance of SS having his HEALTHY mother in his life.

    Bookmark   May 20, 2009 at 1:38PM
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doodleboo

I too take extreme satisfaction in the the thougth of BM sitting her honkus in a jail cell right now. Mainly because maybe since she is facing consequences (FINALLY!) she may try to get her act together. She is totally getting her come up-in's.

Plus I feel in my deepest cavaties of my heart that she is no good to the girls. Any contact would just be counter productive. Would you voluntarily sign your child up to see a train wreck? Give them a front row seat so they can see the carnage close up?

My point exactly.

    Bookmark   May 20, 2009 at 2:00PM
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wild_thing

Plus I feel in my deepest cavaties of my heart that she is no good to the girls. Any contact would just be counter productive. Would you voluntarily sign your child up to see a train wreck? Give them a front row seat so they can see the carnage close up?

That is so true. Good way to put it.

    Bookmark   May 20, 2009 at 4:14PM
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finedreams

why is she on state assistance, she is married and gets child support etc how does she get state assistance? based on what?

    Bookmark   May 21, 2009 at 9:34PM
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lovehadley

"why is she on state assistance, she is married and gets child support etc how does she get state assistance? based on what?"

She only got married this past February--3 months ago.

She has lived with her now-husband for almost 3 years now, and lived with another guy before that.

But she doesn't/didn't tell the welfare office that. She uses her parent's address as her address so the state thinks she lives alone.

She actually collects monetary assitance FOR her baby daughter, but the state garnishes it out of her hubby's paycheck. On casenet, a case has been filed against him. Talk about robbing Peter to pay Paul!

As far as child support, she doesn't really collect any for SS. She gets $277/month from my DH but all of that goes to the state to pay back the benefits she received for 5+ years. Once that "tab" is paid, which will take YEARs, THEN she will start getting the $277/month but not until then.

It is amazing how easy it is to cheat the system.

    Bookmark   May 21, 2009 at 10:08PM
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wild_thing

Well isn't she just a fine classy chic....lol

    Bookmark   May 22, 2009 at 12:39AM
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