difficult sd

nini333May 24, 2010

I have been with my fiance for 6 years now. His youngest is a few months away from eleven. She is very jealous of me and my son and possibly her older sister too. My son doesn't see his birthfather so he is with us all of the time. Sd thinks that just because we live together we all see each other a lot. which isn't the case. We rarely do stuff together because we work a lot. It seems to me that she has an obsession with my fiance. Always has to be by him always has to touch him. If he is playing with my son or older sd she has to make it all about her and she does anything she can do to put the focus on her. She never listens to me either. I will ask her to put the dishes away or do a chore and she ignores my request and sometimes gives me a blank stare or a confused look and stares at me and doesnt answer me and I just have to walk away. As soon as her dad gets home from work she will ask me in front him so he can hear, "Do you want me to do the dishes for you?" I tell her no thank you now where before I would let her do them. That gives him the impression that she is an angel, when he has no idea how terrible she treats me when hes not around. He mentioned to my mom a while back that he knows she does stuff on purpose to get us in fights. He seems to ignore the behavior but still says that shes an angel and doesn't want to believe that she hates me.She never says hi to me when we pick them up and never says bye when they go back to their mom. His oldest and I get along great. We always have. young sd throws temper tantrums, she cries, for no reason. she's so emotional and sensitive. I am truly at a loss with her. I have tried the bonding stuff, taking her shopping. Just the two of us going skiing together. I can't tell you how many times I've tried to bond with her, and she still shows no respect for me. And her obsession with her dad also drives me nuts. I've gotten to the point that I can't even stand to be in the same room. When the other kids go to play she never wants to go, she stays behind and smothers her dad, or if we are watching tv she will lay on the floor and roll around like a two year old putting her feet in the air, she never stops moving around. We ignore it but she doesn't stop. She's very smart and knows how to leave a light on and get us in a fight. So now I tell her when she gives me a dirty look when I ask her to do something that her daddy says not to leave the lights on or your daddy says to do this or not do that. Than its ok. I know this is all jumbled up and random but it's what popped up in my head at the moment. Hope someone can help. I really am at the point where I am going to find a counselor or child psychologist to talk to so I can better understand the behavior in order to deal with it and not let her manipulate anymore. Shes so happy if her dad and I aren't getting along because of her or if she gets her sister or my son in trouble. It's like she gets joy out of him being mad at one of us so she can play angel and get more attention from him.

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how often does she see her dad? i think maybe you can give her and dad some time alone while you spend time with your son. if she only visits, then stuff like watching TV with your fiancee could wait. dad needs to spend quality time with her.

    Bookmark   May 24, 2010 at 11:26PM
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Her and her sister come over very often. He actually does spend a lot of time with her. Everyone goes off to do their own thing, and she is left with him. The kids go outside and play, she chooses to stay inside with her dad. He is very into family time like playing games, going to the zoo, the park. We always do something, and he stresses that it be done as a family. Both girls get special alone time with him, they go to dinner, movies etc. He is a very involved dad and there is just no reason for her actions.

    Bookmark   May 26, 2010 at 2:02AM
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well there always is a reason, I am not saying those are good reasons, but something is there, how does she behave at school and what is her mom saying?

    Bookmark   May 26, 2010 at 6:06AM
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Her mom is great. She supports me in that she feels she should respect and listen to me. As for school, she gets good grades.

    Bookmark   May 30, 2010 at 10:46PM
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I totally hear what you are saying. she might need therapy. such obsession with a parent is unhealthy. I also think she needs to get busy with extracurricular activities.

my niece8 is constantly all over my brother, acts jealous if he talks to anyone else, he can't have 5 minutes by himself or talk to anyone else without her getting upset. and we are talking about intact family here. so such behavior is not unheard of, funny my sister in law thinks it is cute, well it is not. it is embarrassing to watch.

I am not sure why some kids are this way and what needs to be done, one thing maybe get her busy with other things outside the house, and then get her to play with other kids. and she needs to be told that such jealousy and disrespect is unacceptable. she needs to know it is wrong.

    Bookmark   May 31, 2010 at 11:56AM
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I deal with this very same nonsense on a daily basis. Same disrespect when DH is not around, same angelic behavior when he is. She attempts to turn each incident between us around so she looks like the victim. When I want to spend some time alone with DH, she will cry (she's 14 btw), literally cry until DH gives in and lets her go too. At our counselor's appt, she turned on the crocodile tears once again. My SD is a habitual liar as well, and told the counselor that she was upset because I didn't like or trust her. So the counselor tells me what I am doing wrong and how much SD is "hurting". Yet as soon as we leave the office, same stuff starts again. I have tried countless times to bond with this child, doing things with her that I do with my DD...to on avail. I get along with SS pretty well, but this kid will just not give me a break. Their BM lives halfway across the country and the kids are with us full-time. (Yes, there IS a reason they are with their dad) However, they still talk to her enough for her to let them know they don't need to listen or respect me. DH says he is aware of what goes on, but I don't think he completely gets it and often acts as if I am picking on SD. He coddles her and let's her get away with things that SS does not. There are times watching her manipulate him literally makes me sick.

The counselor asked if I wanted to have a session with SD to talk. I declined. I told her that there is nothing I can do or say that will change things. I will be here when she is ready to have a relationship with me, but that will have to be on her own terms. I will no push the issue.

There was one day last week, the first time in months, that SD was actually nice to me without DH being around. I was not so lucky today. So I take one day at a time, and I have disengaged from her as much as I can. I have to just to keep my sanity and hopefully begin to heal the wounds our marriage has suffered due to the stepfamily blues.

I wish I could give you better advice, or more positive examples, but I just can't. It's been 2 years of hell so far, and it doesn't appear to be getting any better. So best advice I can give is disconnect from her and take one day at a time. Good luck to you.

    Bookmark   June 3, 2010 at 6:44PM
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That's my world exactly with my SD. Angel when her father is around, Monster when he is not. She is 24! DH never believes anything I say to him or even my friends about her because he himself doesn't see it. Some people are just mean, and no matter what you do, they will still be mean. Of course not in front of Daddy who spoils her. GRRRR

    Bookmark   June 28, 2010 at 8:41PM
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Nini333, I think your finace needs to understand what is going on and assume his role as your soon-to-be husband and his daughter's father. In some ways, his daughter's behavior is to be expected given her age - 11-year-old girls tend to attach to their fathers at this age. It sounds like his daughter needs reassurance that he still loves her and will be her father in every respect even after you marry him. She sees him as "her territory" and you as moving in on him. To some extent, she is right, but it is up to HIM to manage this. You are doing all the right things. I know you don't want to alienate either one, but you need to get your fiance to tell and to show his daughter that she has nothing to worry about, that she is still every bit as important to him as she always has been. I am a stepfather and I made sure my 7-year-old daughter knew she was still the apple of my eye even after I remarried last year. Things are great with her, and she has never expressed jealousy about my new wife since we had a talk about my getting remarried and she has seen that I still spend lots of time with her, still love her every bit as much, and that she has gained a stepmother, not lost a father.

    Bookmark   June 30, 2010 at 1:10PM
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This situation is familiar, my SD is 7 and is having the standard conflicts:

- loyalty to BM
- jealous of the "new woman" in dad's life replacing BM
- jealous that she doesn't get all dad's attention
- jealous that she no longer gets all of SS10's attention
- conflicted over someone she likes that she's not supposed to like
- conflicted because BM babies her to the point of baby talk and rock-a-bye cuddling, I kid you not, and I do not
- hears from BM that she can and should ignore me and not mind me

SD is actually the part of this realtionship I have the least problem with. For some reason I am able to accept that she's just 7 and that it's harder for her and that I have to be patient. The baby talk and the whining and the daddy manipulation drives me nuts, but I can't get mad at her or resent her. I make sure to remind SO that she needs one on one time with him, because SS demands so much attention from everyone.

Not sure what else to say other than be patient, but if her devotion and attachment to dad makes you uncomfortable, I would suggest counseling. I would also discuss with your SO the fact that no, you are not her mom, but you are going to be his wife, and you deserve to be respected in your own home. If he's a reasonable man, he'll get it.

    Bookmark   April 28, 2011 at 2:28PM
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