Stepson won't move out.......I'm ready to blow up!

leanzaMay 11, 2007

This situation has been going on for 2 and a half years now and I've had enough. My stepson has been living with us since he was 17. He is now 24. Two years ago him and his girlfriend had a child together. When he told my husband and I about this my husband asked what his plans were going to be regarding getting his own place and providing a home for his child. We also told him that him and his girlfriend created this situation and needed to be responsible about it and that we were not going to be responsible for their decisions. He said he needed a year to save up some money and then he would move out. We said ok. Well, that year came and went. During year 2 him and his girlfriend broke up. She's living with her parents and has no plans on moving out. He told us that since they broke up his plans got messed up and he needed another year to plan on moving out on his own. Again we said ok. Well, that year came and went also. In the meantime, we told him he could have his child here one night during the week and every other weekend, which he said was fine. After a while he wanted more days and we said no. Now instead of getting his own place, he carts the child back and forth most of every week from our house to his Mother's and his Brother's just so he has somewhere to go with his child. When we told him this was not fair to the child, he blamed us because he can't have the child here more. It's gotten to the point where his Brother said he can't come there anymore because it's disrupting his family time with his family. This past February my husband told him he has until June 1st to move out and he's not getting anymore time. My husband and I did some research and found several apartments available in our area that he can afford. My stepson said he looked at a few but for some reason is waiting on one that is still occupied until the end of May. Instead of going for one that is available now he's waiting on this one. I think it's to buy time and then he's going to tell us that something came up at the last minute and he can't get it now and again he will need more time. He has about 2 and a half to 3 weeks left and hasn't even packed anything to be moving in such a short time. I don't think he's planning on moving and I am fed up with the lies and games we've been getting from him and I want him out now. He doesn't even pay rent here, pitch in for groceries, clean up his room, or help around the house. I'm ready to blow!!!! Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated!!!! Thanks!!!!!

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cawfecup

Be thankful your husband supports you in this ...

I would be heading down to Uhaul buying some boxes put them in his room. Give him two choices ... pay room and board or move out.

On my brothers 23rd birthday, My mom picked him up at work with all his "things" in the car (he had lost his license) drove him to an apartment house and said "happy birthday I got you your own apartment within walking distance to work I also paid 3 months rent. Good Luck!!"

    Bookmark   May 11, 2007 at 12:48PM
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leanza

Thanks for your advice cawfecup!
My husband does support me on this issue but he can also be a pushover at times. I'm just hoping he stands his ground this time and doesn't wind up giving his son anymore time.
I can see his son giving him some feel sorry for me story
and my husband giving in. That's when we argue about the situation because I feel he's had plenty of time. We have also argued about him paying rent. My husband says if he goes to school he doesn't have to pay but if he's not going to school he has to pay. Well, my stepson thinks 2 hours a week is going to school and apparently so does my husband.
I don't see it that way. If he was going more than that then I would agree. If it were up to me, I'd put all his stuff on the front lawn and change the locks.

    Bookmark   May 11, 2007 at 1:20PM
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cawfecup

Read Vistaspdf's posts same subject basically.

Adult "child" won't grow up ... and take responsibility for themselves. If you don't help them become independant in their 20's will you still allow them to live with you in their 30's?? 40's??

Some posters think children should never be "forced" out into the real world ....but the real world isn't lining up to help them and it won't.

    Bookmark   May 11, 2007 at 2:08PM
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leanza

I think they should be forced out to learn to make it on their own. How will they survive when Mommy and Daddy aren't around anymore? Even a Momma bird knows to kick the babies out at some point and make them fly.

    Bookmark   May 11, 2007 at 3:47PM
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vistajpdf

Oh, honey. Can't we fix up your SS and my SD and throw them to the curb???

I feel for you, but at least your husband is on your side. I have tried everything in my case and my DH is just burying his head in the sand. W/ us, I was taken advantage of so badly by his son, who lived w/ us for a couple of years at the end of H.S. and for breaks from college. Then, these SDs started crashing in on us during college, always w/ a crowd. Now, this older SD moved in for "3-4" months. It'll be 6 mo. in the end of the month and I'm just sick of it as it's very disruptive to my 3, almost 5, and 7 y.o. boys.

Anyway, your situation stinks. Your SS CHOSE to be an adult when it was convenient for him to be an adult, but when it's easier for him to play the "poor son", he reverts back to being a child. I feel for this poor baby he fathered. I actually commend him for wanting to step up and be a father, but he needs to first recognize himself AS AN ADULT! My parents have had issues w/ my brother. My dad is calm all the time, but once just lost it and asked my mother how she'd have felt if he were in his 40's and still totally relying on his parents for food, money, etc.

I would simply tell him that you're proud of the hands on father he is trying to be, but that the first step is for his child to respect him. Does he want the child to see him as an overgrown teen? (I have huge issues w/ so many of today's adult men who still view themselves as 16 y.o. boys!) Of course he should be able to see his baby whenever possible, but you and his father don't need to go through that stage again. Say you'd love to extend to them a standing invitation for Sunday dinner - tell him to come over early, let you both play w/ the baby, eat, then he can GO HOME! It's time. He's made adult decisions so it's time to be an adult.

And, I'm w/ you - the technicality of being in school is a joke. Come on, being in school means you are taking enough classes that you are prevented from holding down a real job! He needs to grow up!

Good luck, keep posting,
Dana

    Bookmark   May 11, 2007 at 9:25PM
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leanza

Thank you so much for your reply vistajpdf! I feel for you with your situation. You have other children that are young dealing with this also. It must be very hard. How old is your SD? Is she also an adult? I would love to set the two up together. I'm at my wits end with my situation. I have considered leaving this relationship on several occasions because of this issue. I love my husband very much, but cannot deal with the stress of this anymore. I knew when we got married that he had children and I was fine with that knowing the fact after they were grown we would have our privacy and alone time together. So far, that has not happened. It's like his son thinks we are going to provide for his child now and I'm not and won't. I'm sick of the lack of respect my husband and I get from him, even more so because he doesn't even pay rent or lend a hand around here. My husband has been a real pushover at times in the past and his son knows this. I have finally gotten my husband to the point where he is right now with the situation and hope in the end he stands his ground. I have told him that we have been more than fair with his son since he has lived with us and it's time for him to move on. No more Favors!

    Bookmark   May 14, 2007 at 1:26PM
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eandhl

He might be more inclined to go out on his own if he was forced to take adult responsibility. Charge him rent, insist he help.

    Bookmark   May 14, 2007 at 7:57PM
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Jonesy

My friend had the same problem and her husband supported the son. She packed her bags and went to a hotel for a few days. Then got mad at herself for wimping out and went home told the son to leave and this is not a step son. He did. There is no simple solution if the husband wants the kids to stay. I have been a step situation for 33 years. I told my husband no, the first time one of them wanted to move in with their spouses and babies. I told him they need to live with their mother. If they get mad at her they will get over it, but if they get mad at me they won't.

    Bookmark   May 14, 2007 at 8:10PM
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leanza

Thanks to all of you with your advice. I am hoping and praying this is it. Looks like a few boxes are being packed.
Don't know if it's for real or a game so we'll think he's doing something. I am keeping my fingers crossed.
Thanks again!

    Bookmark   May 15, 2007 at 11:38AM
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wendy_sullivan

I am in a similiar situation. This is my first post ever on this forum.

My SS lives with us. Has since he was 11. He is now 19 and does NOTHING. No job, no school, no helping around the house (unless we bribe him with actual cash) What he does do is Play guitar, smoke pot (outside) Play video games, smoke pot, hang out with his girlfriend doing nothing, smoke pot....

He hasn't had a job since last October when he used to work at KFC. Of course he did work for a temp agency for 2 weeks in Feb if you can call that having a job, but they didn't want him back so now he sits and complains about being "laid off"

What do we do? We have two other children 9 and 18 months (our kids together not Step children) and my SS lives in the basement and I want him out. He doens't bother to hide his drug use or his smoking cigarettes. He throws them all over the lawn and driveway...

We want him OUT. We have considered many things to having him pay rent to us (totally unrealistic, he owes us lots of money from the past and we haven't seen a dime in over a year)

He got his GED and has been arrested and in treatment for drug use.
We considered getting him an apt and paying first and last months rent and dumping him off.

Any suggestions?????
Wendy
PS StepSon's mom is not in the picture. Hasn't been since he was 11 and came to live with us so having him live with her is not an option.

    Bookmark   May 20, 2007 at 12:12PM
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vistajpdf

Wendy,

You may want to start a new thread here to get your situation more attention.

I think you must think about your other children and what kind of example this SS is setting for them - not to mention health risks if his smoking of anything is being breathed in by the others.

I think you simply tell him that he has TWO WEEKS - PERIOD! Can he go to a halfway house or anything? He'll never improve having a roof over his head and no bills, meals, and comes and goes as he pleases. I'm sure you both have tried. Just be sure your DH is on board w/ you and set a time limit for him to get out - maybe pay something towards an apt. and drop him off as you mentioned. However, he will probably be back at your doorstep when the free ride at the apt. is over.

There are legal channels you could follow - serving him an eviction notice, etc. But, I'd try giving him a couple of weeks, then change the locks and hopefully be done w/ it. Is there a treatment center he could go to or doesn't he want help?

Dana

    Bookmark   May 20, 2007 at 12:34PM
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wendy_sullivan

Dana
thanks for your message. Two weeks sounds good to me. And yes my husband is on board with me. We probably don't want to do anything legally... yet.? He hasn't been in treatment for a couple years and it was just something the court ordered. A real joke, more of a babysitting service.
He is on "probation" for an arrest last fall. The terms are NO drug use or alcohol use and he has to get a job....
So far all he does is tell the probation officer where he has "applied" for a job this week. A real joke.

I'd rather not bring them into it. He can get in trouble with the law without our help that's for sure. We just want him to get a job, get a life... and do it out of our house.

thanks
Wendy
ps I st arted a new thread.... thanks for the suggestion.

    Bookmark   May 20, 2007 at 12:59PM
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