W/o starting WWIII
How does one diplomatically bring up the touchy subject of "We need to discuss things before you make a decision that affects the entire household" to ones spouse or SO?
I am feeling like Poppinggrays with the kitten issue. Last month I had the same situation w/Adult SD bringing home a dog. I found out about it after work one evening as I walked through the door only to have some strange dog bark at me. DH told her she could have it, but he didn't consult me. I was irritated, but didn't say anything because he would have become defensive no matter how nicely I put it. I also know that he would have dug in more stubbornly and defended the right of DD to keep said dog. If he had told her it needed to go, then I would be the wicked SM. It was a no win situation for me. As an aside, he was furious when his other DD brought home several pets w/out asking him first.
Part two: I came home from work on Friday and I was informed that we will watch his other DD's (lives elsewhere w/SO) dog during July while she and SO are on vacation. My fault for not saying anything again, but if I had been asked it would have been fine w/me to babysit this dog.
The problem isn't the SK's or the animals, it's DH. When I moved in w/him, we weren't married, it was his home and one kid was still a minor and I felt that his relationship w/DD's was primary and those were boundaries that I needed to respect and understand.
We are now married and these kids are adults, so the dynamics are now different IMO - they are no longer the same family unit of dad and kids. The SK'd have their own separate adult lives and relationships (I'm guessing the eldest will get married in the not too distant future - now her primary relationship). They will never be our peers or that of any other family elder, but they are no longer young children. I don't think DH totally realizes these naturally evolving changes in his family. I don't expect him to ever disregard the needs of his DD's, but because they have their own lives, I feel that it is time our marriage becomes the primary relationship and it gets treated accordingly.
How does one express this w/out starting WWIII?